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How do you deal with death?

A

alyssa_j_c

Well-Known Member
Just wondering how others with AS deal with a death, paricularly that of someone close or at least familiar to you.

Do you tend to get as emotional as NTs or do they seem to be overly emotional in comparison?

Do you feel worse than what you're portraying, do you look more upset than what you are, or do your emotions match your demeanor?

Do you get depressed, angry, confused, complacent, unaffected, etc.?
 
i'm i have only had it happen once with a family member and i was very openly upset by it, and i got physically ill. the other times had been pets and i seem to get very sad i cry and thing like that and after a short grieving period i am over it, i will rember and get sad a couple of times after but not really openly sad.
 
Pretty much unaffected. People think I bottle it up but there's hardly anything to bottle...obviously I wish it hadn't happened, but it happens...
 
chinaberry said:
Pretty much unaffected. People think I bottle it up but there's hardly anything to bottle...obviously I wish it hadn't happened, but it happens...
Click to expand...

I guess that's why I asked the question originally. My grandpa died a few months ago, and of course I was sad and I'm going to miss him, but I felt like I had to exaggerate my emotions, putting on a show for everyone, so that they wouldn't think I was being cold or uncaring. I did genuinely cry the first time I saw my grandma after he had passed. Other than that (at the viewing, at the funeral, etc.) I didn't feel the need to cry. I understand that everyone deals with loss differently, so I am by no means saying that people shouldn't cry or express their pain however they need to. I just wonder if I should feel like I'm 'supposed' to cry. I guess it is kind of hard to explain, but like China said, "it happens."
 
Major delayed reaction is how i'd call it.

At the funeral I'd general feel ok and wouldn't really understand what was going on, even when someone explained it to me.

Three months later: the realization kinda hits and then I greave like everyone else did many months before.

When I was younger I didn't understand where they wen't - just sort of thought they went on holiday and that they were coming back sometime soon.
 
chinaberry said:
Pretty much unaffected. People think I bottle it up but there's hardly anything to bottle...obviously I wish it hadn't happened, but it happens...
Click to expand...

This sums up what happens for me. As you get old people start dying all around you, much like when you're young everyone is getting married. On Christmas eve my friend lost her brother, I knew what I needed to say, which I did, and I knew to ask a few days later about how she was dealing with it. Emotionally for me there was nothing, even though I knew him.
 
I think for me having a lot of pets when I was a kid and having them die in all sorts of ways as pets do, taught me about death. We always took time too to give them a proper burial, and it always would involve a short grieving period. (Actually, I would bury dead animals all the time, and we'd visit a lot of old graveyards on holidays, so death was never some far away thing.)

So when actual people started to die during my teens and early twenties, I was prepared in a way, even when it came unexpected. My grandparents passed away, my godmother, who I really looked up to a lot, hung herself, my own mother had a bit of a rock'n'roll death... None of it left me cold, far from that, but it also never turned me into a mess of grief and sorrow. (I already was a mess.) Actually, there was some suicidal threatening going on in the family too when I was a wee lad, so that probably made me keep some distance too.

Maybe it's partly a way to deal with any abandonments issues I might have, but I tend to be aware that anyone who's in my life today, could be gone tomorrow (I am dialing back on that thought though.) Death is part of life, and realizing that makes me appreciate it more. Life that is. A few years ago I was feeling quite sickly and it made me think a lot about what would happen if I died at that moment and then someone would find me. It became a huge motivation in a way. I didn't want to die with my dick in my hand, I wanted to die with my guitar in hand, typing away or making something. Or at least with my dick in someone else's hands, although that wouldn't be very nice to that person, so let's scrap that one.

I guess, to keep it short, I do my grieving beforehand; I'm just that melancholic. Maybe it'll be different when a close friend passes away, I don't know. I just hope it won't happen anytime soon.
 
A third person I knew has died this year. Just found out only two days ago. Still stunned...haven't really reacted to it yet.
 
The person has to be close to me and I usually end up losing it when I'm by myself. I don't know what's going to happen to me when immediate family is gone. I don't want to know.


This is so interesting! Don't the ones of you that don't "grieve" know that you will never see that person again? Or maybe you believe you will?
 
Thing is, I've never lost anyone close unexpectedly. I've been able to pre-grieve for everyone. If it happens, we'll see.
 
Thanks Ste11aeres and Grumpy Cat. I'm still trying to understand it all. My friend's sister just complained of feeling ill, went into the hospital and had congestive heart failure and then went brain-dead. She died when taken off life support, a decision my friend had to make.
 
I've tried to pre-grieve however I am now constantly afraid. It's a double edge.
 
Grumpy Cat said:
How does one pre-grieve? And you stop all grieving afterwards?
Click to expand...

It helps to be naturally melancholy in the first place. It helps by spreading the grief over a longer period of time. It's just the Boy Scout motto taken to the extreme.

It also helps that there are few in my inner circle, and those who have passed are those who were suffering beforehand anyway.
 
This is a very touchy subject for me. I've always felt a little guilty for not feeling more emotional in these situations. I don't know why I'm like that. I feel bad about deaths and other really bad situations, but it seems like I should feel worse. Maybe I'm comparing how I feel to how others around me seem to feel. At my age, people are dying around me and this is a issue that I have to deal with more often. It just seems to me that I'm not as emotional as I should be.
 
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