How do I help him?

[ISFJSupporter]

Thank you for clarifying NT and the words about deserving more/ support. I feel bad that I have to hear the same thing a million times from a bunch of people to have it stick. A friend of my was saying, "This is what I'm hearing, 'I'm not worth trying to keep in his life, but I'm flattered that he would reach out to me once everything is done.' And, as your friend, even if I was okay with that there is no guarantee he will form the deep emotional connection to you when things are done. And things like this take times, year, to heal."

Not to defend him, it's just again hard to get into it without going over a line. In the first case where he didn't listen to the safe word, it was a scenario in which he couldn't do anything beyond putting me in extreme discomfort. So knowing that, he felt okay pressing and, in truth, I'm glad he did in that one case. It ended up being mutually beneficial. This case was something that legitimately hurt me both in the moments and days later. His big thing is I'm enabling him. I'm too understanding, too empathetic, and so I let him get away with things he shouldn't and he finds himself taking advantage of that. He doesn't like the way he treats me. That's why he wants to be friend; he knows he wouldn't be a good boyfriend to anyone right now and he wants better for me.

I guess the thing that i harp on is rooted in my own insecurity. If he says I'm wonderful and amazing, if he says he wants to be those things for me... why not do it? I have watched him set his mind to goals and achieve them. As I mentioned, it's something we both do well. So why can't I be goal? Why am I not worth keeping in his life? His friends and family are. So why not me? And it's so selfish of me to think that and he gets so MAD when I talk about it.

This part is me venting. I wish my therapist had a more open schedule x.x But on the bright side, I think breaking that 24 hours really helped and I can move on. I went a day and the world kept spinning.

BUT it doesn't matter. He said it himself, "I'm not saying this to hurt you, but so that you will understand. I need to focus on my mental health right now, and I will get better. I have the support I need with my friends and family, and anybody else that does not matter cannot be in my life. I can't worry about your feelings. I can't handle the stress of being in a relationship with you. You don't mean anything to me right now. I'm not even thinking about you right now. You will be the first person I call if and when I deal with this, but I can't have you in my life right now."

I think it's hard for me to let go not just because of my feelings... but we were pregnant. My whole life's goal has been to be a mother. My career, teaching, is the perfect mom's job. I pushed myself to go to a great college and get an MS and work hard so I could work for a nationally recognized district. I'm still devastated that I don't have our baby anymore. I can't even bring myself to throw away the baby journal, the prenatals, the creams, the baby books, the ultrasound picture... But I had him and it made it so much easier because he would sit there and hold me, talk to me, remind me that we could work towards having that future but the right way...

 

[SignOfLazarus]

He is not your child, your future child, your child that could have been. You need to recognize that and embrace that reality.
HE is not worth having in YOUR life.

You ARE making excuses for him.
It does not matter if disregarding a safe word turned out to be beneficial. Safe words are established so that there is a mutual understanding that everyone respects an individual's decision about what is or is not ok in regards to what happens to their body. You disregard safe words, you are disregarding the idea that another individual has the right to say what happens to their body.
What if it didn't turn out mutually beneficial in that first situation? What if he was wrong?
Would it still have been ok?
The fact is that the outcome doesn't matter- he didn't listen to you.

"You don't mean anything to me right now"
He seems to mean more than a potential boyfriend- he is all this hope and planning and what could be: a child a family a cozy house.

You need to look at the reality: He is a jerk. He uses you, and your body to the point where he hurts you. He disregards when you draw a PRE-ESTABLISHED border that is dependent on trust because... Well, i'm not sure why. Is it because he knows you will make excuses for him?

He is not the father of your future child right now. He is not your future boyfriend, fiance, husband.
He is not a future doting and loving mate.

RIGHT NOW, he is a jerk who is putting you aside until he feels like "dealing with you".

If you don't view this situation for what it really is, and deal with the loss of your plans- the child that could have been, the life you wanted with him, you will end up in a very bad situation.

You can move on to a healthier relationship. But you have to mourn this potential one first. You have to take care of yourself. You have to stop making excuses for someone who has no respect for an explicit boundary. To the point where you are injured.

I sound like I am reprimanding you but I am not. I am trying to offer support and encouragement from the other side of this situation. That is, I've been in a similar one and it can be really hard to step back. Try to do it.
Take some time away from where you live, if you can- visit a friend. Doing that really really helped me gain huge perspective in my case.

Hope some of this helps. I really do care about the situation you are facing.

 

[ISFJSupporter]

You don't sound reprimanding at all. You sound right. All of it helped. Thank you.

I do feel like I need to just get away. There's a lot of negativity here that I can't shake, but I'm massively broke atm. So I am stuck here. But luckily here is San Fran Bay Area so I'm sure the dogs and I can find some day cations to take our minds off of things. My school goes on spring break the first week of April. It'll be good to decompress. Or maybe I'll hop in the car and take the dogs to my grandparents in Pasadena and go to Disneyland or something.

 

[ISFJSupporter]

UGH so I had coffee with him the other day because we agreed that if we are ever going to break things off it should be done face to face and not over the phone. I was surprised he even agreed to meet me, but I guess he was having a bad day at work and needed a break. I asked him how he was and usually I just get ok or fine, but he went on this venting spree of how he hates his new medication and was being so vulnerable. I just couldn't end it. He kept asking me why I was hanging around. It was weird. It wasn't in a mean, putting me down way. It almost sounded like he was insecure and wanted a valid reason for why I was sticking around. When we said goodbye, he told me he didn't know where we were supposed to go from there. I didn't know what to tell him either. He just sounded so sad.

I told a few close people about it. Most are in the same boat of "why is he letting a label define him" because he, as a person, has not changed. They don't think it justifies him being so insensitive to me, but they are biased because they are my friends/ my therapist. This might be not pc to ask, but for those who have been diagnosed what sort of emotions and thoughts did you go through? For him, this is something that was highly suspected his entire life and in his family so it's not like it was something that cropped out of nowhere. I did have one close family friend say she admired that I wasn't running away from the situation. She said most people would just cut their losses and bail, so she was really proud of me for not judging him and trying to support him. She used to be a high school psychologist.

I need a hobby.

 

[watersprite]

UGH so I had coffee with him the other day because we agreed that if we are ever going to break things off it should be done face to face and not over the phone. I was surprised he even agreed to meet me, but I guess he was having a bad day at work and needed a break. I asked him how he was and usually I just get ok or fine, but he went on this venting spree of how he hates his new medication and was being so vulnerable. I just couldn't end it. He kept asking me why I was hanging around. It was weird. It wasn't in a mean, putting me down way. It almost sounded like he was insecure and wanted a valid reason for why I was sticking around. When we said goodbye, he told me he didn't know where we were supposed to go from there. I didn't know what to tell him either. He just sounded so sad.

I told a few close people about it. Most are in the same boat of "why is he letting a label define him" because he, as a person, has not changed. They don't think it justifies him being so insensitive to me, but they are biased because they are my friends/ my therapist. This might be not pc to ask, but for those who have been diagnosed what sort of emotions and thoughts did you go through? For him, this is something that was highly suspected his entire life and in his family so it's not like it was something that cropped out of nowhere. I did have one close family friend say she admired that I wasn't running away from the situation. She said most people would just cut their losses and bail, so she was really proud of me for not judging him and trying to support him. She used to be a high school psychologist.

I need a hobby.

Perhaps this emotional/relationship/rollercoaster has been your hobby, and you need as you said above, a new hobby? Choose well. It sounds like you've learned a lot and are more mature than you were at the beginning of your thread. Just don't go down the same street again, as the saying goes. Best of luck.

 

[ISFJSupporter]

I just don't even know what I want to do. I want to do something physical, but my shoulder is still hurting me. Then, I read this article that cardio actually makes you gain fat rather than burn it. I want to do something with my dogs, like get them into agility (I have a Sheltie and an Australian Shep/ Rottie mix so they would both do well in agility sports), but it's so expensive. I don't have the patience to read or knit or any of that. BUT this kind of OT. <333 to you all

 

[Tia Maria]

I just don't even know what I want to do. I want to do something physical, but my shoulder is still hurting me. Then, I read this article that cardio actually makes you gain fat rather than burn it. I want to do something with my dogs, like get them into agility (I have a Sheltie and an Australian Shep/ Rottie mix so they would both do well in agility sports), but it's so expensive. I don't have the patience to read or knit or any of that. BUT this kind of OT. <333 to you all

Cardio does not make you gain fat.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I just don't even know what I want to do. I want to do something physical, but my shoulder is still hurting me. Then, I read this article that cardio actually makes you gain fat rather than burn it. I want to do something with my dogs, like get them into agility (I have a Sheltie and an Australian Shep/ Rottie mix so they would both do well in agility sports), but it's so expensive. I don't have the patience to read or knit or any of that. BUT this kind of OT. <333 to you all

That's just proof that one can find any weird idea on the internet.

 

[ISFJSupporter]

I firmly believe you can find evidence for any argument on the internet, but not being a scientist and using my own personal experience with cardio and strength training (because common core loves using personal experience as evidence [/sarcasm] haha). I'm inclined to buy into this idea.

Does cardio make you fat? Study says yes - Colorado Fit
"This is because when you do cardio, your body reacts to the stress by suppressing a very important hormone that is produced by the thyroid to burn fat. When this hormone, called T3, is suppressed, your body starts gaining and storing fat immediately." ... "cardio increases your appetite. This is a physical as well as an emotional response. Your body craves it, and you believe you earned it…which isn’t true. In fact, most folks end up eating an average of 100 calories more than they just burned off."

5 Cardio Myths You Need to Stop Believing | Women's Health Magazine
""You may lose weight faster doing cardio only, but unfortunately it's the wrong kind of weight," says Kansas City-based personal trainer Greg Justice. Cardio alone burns away both fat andmuscle. For a lasting change, you have to integrate strength workouts into your routine. "Weight training builds lean muscle mass, which elevates your metabolism and burns more fat, even when you're not exercising," says Justice."

Is Cardio Or Weights Better For Burning Fat? (I am also predisposed to agree with most things I read on HP haha) which directed me to this study done at Harvard (also inclined to believe most things that come from the Ivy Leagues)
Using weights to target belly fat | Harvard Gazette
" The Harvard School of Public Health study found that men who completed 20 minutes of weight training each day saw a smaller increase in belly fat than men who spent the same amount of time on a cardio workout. And the men who added both strength trainingand cardio to their daily routines fared even better. Yet so many of us still believe that the only way to really slim down is by sweating it out for hours on the treadmill."
and
“To maintain a healthy weight and waistline, it is critical to incorporate weight training with aerobic exercise.”

This is me fixating. That seems like it's an issue. Is it really okay to fixate as long as I am fixated on productive or things that do not hurt myself or other people? Question to ask my therapist next time I chat with her.

Sorry for going off topic!

 

[Tia Maria]

Cardio for the sake of burning calories is not the same as doing cardio for overall fitness. People need to do cardio exercise AND weight lifting or resistance exercises to get fit which results in weight loss plus muscle toning & strengthening. Of course weight loss also requires healthy eating & ideally one should even incorporate stretching &/or yoga or Pilates to achieve overall fitness & build core strength.

If you need to get fit or lose weight I'd recommend you study up on nutrition & also pick up the following book, "Fit or Fat" by Covert Bailey.

Take care ISFJ Supporter & good luck to you.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I firmly believe you can find evidence for any argument on the internet, but not being a scientist and using my own personal experience with cardio and strength training (because common core loves using personal experience as evidence [/sarcasm] haha). I'm inclined to buy into this idea.

Does cardio make you fat? Study says yes - Colorado Fit
"This is because when you do cardio, your body reacts to the stress by suppressing a very important hormone that is produced by the thyroid to burn fat. When this hormone, called T3, is suppressed, your body starts gaining and storing fat immediately." ... "cardio increases your appetite. This is a physical as well as an emotional response. Your body craves it, and you believe you earned it…which isn’t true. In fact, most folks end up eating an average of 100 calories more than they just burned off."

5 Cardio Myths You Need to Stop Believing | Women's Health Magazine
""You may lose weight faster doing cardio only, but unfortunately it's the wrong kind of weight," says Kansas City-based personal trainer Greg Justice. Cardio alone burns away both fat andmuscle. For a lasting change, you have to integrate strength workouts into your routine. "Weight training builds lean muscle mass, which elevates your metabolism and burns more fat, even when you're not exercising," says Justice."

Is Cardio Or Weights Better For Burning Fat? (I am also predisposed to agree with most things I read on HP haha) which directed me to this study done at Harvard (also inclined to believe most things that come from the Ivy Leagues)
Using weights to target belly fat | Harvard Gazette
" The Harvard School of Public Health study found that men who completed 20 minutes of weight training each day saw a smaller increase in belly fat than men who spent the same amount of time on a cardio workout. And the men who added both strength trainingand cardio to their daily routines fared even better. Yet so many of us still believe that the only way to really slim down is by sweating it out for hours on the treadmill."
and
“To maintain a healthy weight and waistline, it is critical to incorporate weight training with aerobic exercise.”

This is me fixating. That seems like it's an issue. Is it really okay to fixate as long as I am fixated on productive or things that do not hurt myself or other people? Question to ask my therapist next time I chat with her.

Sorry for going off topic!

This is why it's important to combine cardio with good eating habits. People who are trying to lose weight, and trying to do it through cardio alone, without any focus on their diet, will fail.
For weight loss, one's eating habits are key.

Now for health, it is necessary to have exercise of various types, including cardio, and to eat healthily.
Health is not the same thing as weight loss. In my opinion, health is more important.

 

[ISFJSupporter]

Love it. I just can't do strength training though so I'm not sure if cardio alone is better or worse. I don't need to lose weight, but I really liked how toned krav maga made my body and I really miss it. I'm definitely in the use it or lose it phase right now after 3 months of no krav.

As for my aspie, I was supposed to see him to tonight to tell him why I need to remove myself from his life. My friend posted this great article about soul equalss versus soul mates There is Something Better than Finding a Soulmate. | elephant journal and one line really spoke to me, "When the sh*t hits the fan, Soul Equals do not run, hide or blame—instead, they pause, reflect and talk. They support each other in the process of peeling away their layers. We achieve our deepest levels of intimacy from this type of partnership." That's what I want, that's what I give. That's what a partnership is to me. And, through no fault of his own (or maybe it is or partially is) he can't or won't give that to me. And I really want that. I'm pretty sure I deserve that. On the flip side, the not equals speaks to me. I do that. I sleep with my phone sound on because one night he texted me and I didn't respond to him, and I was fearful if it's not me then who will he go to. I didn't sleep for 3 nights after that because every beep or vibration caused a mini panic attack.

I found something fun to fixate on today. I'm doing a deep cleaning of my house and moving my furniture around. It's so strange how re-arranging a room can totally switch up the energy from negative to positive. Plus, it means the cats and dogs have free reign over the house and when they together it's massively adorable.