How do I approach this?

[4gottenLoreKali]

So as some of you may recall, I had a huge crush on this girl I go to college with. I was obsessed with her to the point that all I thought about was her, it ruined most of my days. Well, now that's beginning to subside and I find that it doesn't bother me as much it used to. She has a boyfriend now, and while it's sad, I realized I have no control over the situation and it's in the past. I can't think about that too much or else I'll probably incur a heart attack brought upon by my own self-inflicted despondency.

I'm a part of this Facebook group devoted to brutal death metal. We have a blast in there, we joke about all sorts of stuff and have enriching discussions most of the time. And now for the crux of my post: one of the members is from my home state, and he added me. I went to go check out his profile, and I found out that he was interested in dudes as well as females. (He's pretty adorable too.)

As some of you may know, I'm bisexual as well. So if you haven't gathered by now, I'm entertaining the possibility of initiating conversation with him, and hopefully something much more. I wouldn't have even begun to think these thoughts if I hadn't known he was bi; LGBT people in the metal community are kinda few and far between.

So what should I say to him to initiate conversation? I can't just say to him "you're cute"; that wouldn't earn me any brownie points. Maybe I could propose that we go to a concert together some time, I don't know.

 

[Beverly]

You know as well as I that in that world, semi direct usually works best. Something like "Hey, wanna hook up for a concert or drinks or something and see what happens?" Not blunt but, clearly letting him know you are interested and, not opposed to more than just a concert or drinks.

That would get me to go out with a guy, even if I wasn't really interested. I'd at least go along and see a bit of what the guy was about. (assuming I knew him form a Facebook group or some such at the least.)

 

[Slithytoves]

Glad to hear you're slowing recovering from your crush on that girl. It's not easy, I know.

To new business: Does your own profile indicate that you're bi?

I like a lot of what Beverly said about asking him if he'd like to go hang, just casually, though I'd leave off the part about "see[ing] what happens". A concert at a club would make sense, given the obvious shared interest. You may want to try chatting with him for a while first, though -- for maybe a month or so -- before making that move, just to get a better feel for what he might be thinking. You can't know at this point why he added you, exactly.

My biggest concern is that if you misread him somehow, and things end up weird between you, it might affect your enjoyment of the facebook group. If it's an outlet you really enjoy, you don't want to risk screwing yourself out of that.

Keep it low and slow, NI. But yeah, check it out. Good relationships can start in very novel ways.

 

[4gottenLoreKali]

To new business: Does your own profile indicate that you're bi?

If you're referring to my Facebook profile, then god no! Only certain people in my family know (whether I wanted them to or not), and even that has gotten me enough sh*t as it is.

Thank you for the advice and all. I want to be friends with this dude first, and I was very pleasantly surprised that he had the courage to display his sexual orientation for all his friends to see. I've already had a petty, shallow conversation with him, and that went well enough I guess. I find that (sometimes) once I'm on the spot and engaged in a conversation I instantly forget what I was going to say and the it kind of "fizzles out" awkwardly.

How do I keep him engaged? I've been told that you ask people about themselves (because who doesn't like to talk about themself?); so what would get him going?

 

[tree]

... I instantly forget what I was going to say and the it kind of "fizzles out" awkwardly.

How do I keep him engaged? I've been told that you ask people about themselves (because who doesn't like to talk about themself?); so what would get him going?

How useful would it be to consider what sort of gambits would interest YOU?
And work toward him from that direction? Because he is not going to be a
total opposite of you. [Meaning, for instance, he probably isn't a huge country western fan.]

Think about what would get your attention and hold it.
Extrapolate from there.

 

[Beverly]

I would ask him what he's into as far as hobbies got, what music he likes and, if he has siblings. Somewhere in his replies, you should find some common ground to keep the conversation going. He gets to talk about himself and, you get to learn what interests you share and, what aspects of family you might share then, you get to talk about yourself as it relates to things you two have in common. Viola, you are both engaged in the conversation happily.

If you discover that you have absolutely nothing beyond your sexuality in common, pursing anything beyond being casual friends probably isn't a good idea but, you can still be casual friends.

 

[Slithytoves]

Thank you for the advice and all.

How do I keep him engaged? I've been told that you ask people about themselves (because who doesn't like to talk about themself?); so what would get him going?

You're welcome.

I'm liking what tree and Beverly said. Maybe start with the stuff you already know you have in common, getting into more detail than you might on the open page, then explore what else he's into. You can best do this with a combination of questions and self-disclosures. Questions are great, and they definitely demonstrate interest, but offering information about your own interests, etc., will give him something to grab onto and run with. Self-disclosure always carries a little risk, in that the other person might read what you have to say about yourself and decide you're not as interesting/compatible as they may have thought, but you need to know that anyway because you don't want to get involved with someone who doesn't share enough with you to work with. The fact that you met on an interest board is a big advantage.

The hard part for me in these situations has always been figuring out how to pace the exploration process. You don't want to seem too eager, but you also don't want to seem too aloof. It can be a tough happy medium to find. I'd take things one subject at a time and keep messages fairly concise at first. Try not to respond so quickly that it seems like you're waiting like a dog at your computer for his messages. Once you get an idea what the basic landscape looks like between you, you can start looking around for events that you can invite him to naturally. I'd wait for a very good fit so it really does seem like an organic, sensible invitation. Good idea to go in with the intention of starting as friends, as you said. Then you won't be giving off any weird vibe he may not feel comfortable with.

I'm excited to hear how things progress!