How can I avoid my new colleagues hating me?

[healthyp]

I am nuerotypical, except I do suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and possible borderline issues. Getting along with co-workers has therefore been very difficult for me. The only reason I am still in the job I have now is that I show my co-workers that I KNOW I am annoying (and worse) and I am working HARD to change it. (For now let go the fact some of what makes me me can't be changed. My co-workers don't need to know that. They only need to know I can see me from their perspective.)

There is a case for divulging a diagnosis -- if you use the label as one tool in your toolbox to gain the respect of your co-workers. It's tricky, though. You don't want to lean on it too hard or sound whiny or "poor me" because that will annoy people too.

Anyone who is 'different', especially socially, can be seen as weak, and therefore become a target for those who would act out their own distresses and insecurities on you. It sounds like that happened to you before. But, in reality, the only way to deal with a bully is to confront the person. Have the courage to ask "what's your problem with me?" and then listen to what they say. Hopefully they will say something. Go with your gut on how to respond.

Whether or not you disclose, reaching out to your co-workers human to human, is your best way to guarantee respect.

 

[Pinecones]

There's a goofy but accurate saying these days: "haters gonna hate"

Some people are dramatic creatures and can't help but get a bug up their butt about someone else. It's not you, it's them. These kinds of people need no provocation or genuine reason to commit character assassination. If they REALLY want to have a problem with someone, they will make a problem out of nothing. Unfortunately these people are fairly common. Every group, class, workplace, etc. seems to have one.
I'd say your best bet is to keep doing what you're doing; be polite, cordial, and invite no warranted animosity, and also build a very good reputation with your reasonable co-workers. Let them see you're not actually doing anything to foster the problem that the other person is creating.

 

[Sue53]

I have suffered with this problem in two jobs. I managed to keep those jobs, but there always seemed to be one person who had it in for me. I am sorry this happens to you too, but it is comforting to hear that others get the same treatment. There is never a reason this happens and I don't think there is anything you can do about it. Some people are capable of being mean, who have no problem with it. I've tried every way I could think of to break the spell but they are way too good at it and I have no idea what they are reacting to. I did good work, which is what worked in my favor. I don't think you gain anything by telling others about it. They don't know what it is and what it means. Document everything as it unfolds. It may be helpful in the future with your boss or the HR department. Do your work as well as you can, and I think most of us are terrific at what we do. I was usually intellectually overqualified for what I did. I retired on January 12 of this year, so I am done now.
I had an acquaintence at work that I also think is aspie and one at church. I don't like to be with them, find them irritating. I just assume that is the way others see me. Not everyone, but a lot.

 

[Sue53]

Some people just will dislike/hate you no matter what. I wouldn't worry too much about it. You could try confronting her about it by saying, "Did I say or do something to upset you? You sound upset with me." If she then chooses not to tell you and wants to continue to sulk, let her. You're not going to bond with all your coworkers, but you can be polite with them and try to be kind to them.

This is pretty good!

 

[Yucca]

I'm not required to reveal it, but there are advantages in doing so. I can ask for reasonable adjustments - eg if I find myself in a particularly noisy, busy office then I could ask to be moved somewhere quieter. Also it makes me harder to sack, as if the employer was aware of my condition and dismisses me for a reason related to this, then I could claim discrimination.

Maybe... NTs don’t like Aspies to ask for advantages because of their conditions... It’s unfair, I guess, but that is the experience I made. They are sensitive to noise and many other things, too. They have problems, too. And might, therefore, not be pleased if we Aspies ask for special treatment. (I mean, they can’t see into us!) An example: if I say ‘it’s too much noise’ NTs might answer ‘pull yourself together, for me it’s too much noise as well’. When I had a broken leg, what was pretty OBVIOUS, everybody wanted to help me, make me sit down even when I didn’t want to,...
I learned that NTs are often not really good in understanding others special needs if they are not OBVIOUS.

 

[Emmz]

This book may be of interest, as it's written by a union rep (for RMT):
Autism Equality in the Workplace by Janine Booth

Hey, that book looks great - I've ordered my copy. Thanks! I also love her poem, Manifesto Behind the Mask:

 

[Rami]

I start a new job next week for a trade union. I didn't mention my ASD in my application or at interview, but do intend to once I start if I'm given a medical questionnaire to fill in.

I've had a lot of jobs up to this point, and, looking back, there has always at least one colleague in every office who takes a strong dislike to me and makes no attempt to hide her feelings (she's always female, I'm sad to say). This always creates problems for me and I'm pretty sure was at least a factor in me getting sacked on two occasions. I'm scared that this pattern is going to repeat itself.
I'm always too scared to confront the person concerned for fear that I will get stressed, cry and humiliate myself.

Therefore my way of "dealing" with the situation is to stay out of my colleague's way and avoid talking to her as much as possible (but be polite and professional when I have to). This seems to make her hate me even more. There have been occasions when I have discussed the problem with a manager, but they seem to take the view that the situation is my fault for not making more effort to be friendly, so I've never found this helpful.

Any tips on how I can handle this inevitable person once I meet her at my new place?

Surely, you need to use your intellect to act like the lesser mortals around you; play the game; act friendly, without becoming family ;-)
chip away at your own asocial issues
ensure you're well paid to make your required extra efforts worthwhile (or go freelance?)

Give 'her' what she gives you but twist it when anything isn't to her favour; just copy it and give it back embellished. She'll want you to like her more than she fakes liking you. She'll want your work to be less efficient than her own so don't share that bit with her etc., however, if you're not paid enough to warrant these extra efforts then again, go freelance

 

[disconnected]

Ride it out, become good at your job than become a foreperson. If your on the spectrum you could have the upper hand in visual jobs.

 

[Mr Allen]

Ride it out, become good at your job than become a foreperson. If your on the spectrum you could have the upper hand in visual jobs.

Indeed, however (and I'm really sorry about this).... Your equals you're

 

[Bella Pines]

Yep, this has happened to me many times.

Can you describe in detail the profile of the last few people who have taken a dislike to you?

I have found that the solution is very much keyed to the specific person in question and there is no one formula that fits all.

For example;

Summary
The last time this happened to me was a few years back with this guy at work. We were working together on the same project. It was pretty obvious that he had a very strong dislike of me from the start. Eventually the project started to go well south and we ended up having a huge argument. We didn't talk to each other for about a year after that.

Details
The reason I ask about profile is because this is always at the root of the problem.

In my last case, the guy who had a strong dislike of me was a completer finisher. He liked to "do" things. He was short term, he liked to take action, he was not a thinker. He was also an emotional type.

During the project, he completely skipped the design phase and started building things without thinking anything through. I began by just asking simple questions like;

• What problem are we trying to solve?
• What are out success criteria? What are we trying to achieve?
• What work packages are there, how long will it take?
• How should the build be structured?

All the obvious things. However, he wanted to get on with something, build something and so started getting frustrated with my approach. I said that if we start building without answering the questions, the project will fail and be pointless (incidentally my predictions came true TO THE LETTER three years later...).

But do you see the problem?

He hated the very essence of who I was because it was so opposite to him. I was beyond his comprehension and people dislike what they don't understand.

So with this particular personality type, the way to handle it (which I learned the hard way) is to mirror them and pretend you want to "get on with things" or "talk things through" even if it is a colossal waste of time. Then find something small and trivial that they can get on with while you do things properly. Let them fail, let them be them, don't think that they will ever see logic because they won't.

So you have to develop a technique with each personality type that hates the aspie way. And there are several and they are unfortunately in the majority!

 

[Aeolienne]

Indeed, however (and I'm really sorry about this).... Your equals you're

Your does not equal you're. One is the second-person possessive adjective and the other is an abbreviation of the phrase "you are".

 

[tree]

Indeed, however (and I'm really sorry about this).... Your equals you're

This isn't the first time you've posted this comment.
Strictly speaking, it's not true.

"Your" does not equal "you're."

The word "your" indicates possession.
The word "you're" is a contraction (shortening/combination) of the two words "you" and "are."
====

You may be trying to make some humorous point,
but saying "Your equals you're" simply is not true to facts of grammar
or spelling.

Grammar Comics #2: Your vs. You're | Kaplan Blog
Your vs You're

 

[Emmz]

Can you describe in detail the profile of the last few people who have taken a dislike to you?

In my last job, it was two women - both very loud and domineering, had both been in the job for years, hated it and loved to moan. Both loved to talk at great length about their families and holidays, which I took zero interest in. One was my team leader at one point and tried to micro-manage me into doing everything her way, whereas I preferred to find my own ways of doing things and prioritise the things I felt were most important.

The time before that, it was a younger girl who used to wax lyrical about her upcoming wedding, how stressed she was and how bad her mother-in-law-to-be was. She was more senior than me, so used to give me tasks to do, then email me several times a day to see if I'd done them (even though she sat on the desk directly behind me).

So I guess the common factors would be me having no time for self-indulgent people, and my hatred of being micro-managed.

 

[disconnected]

Indeed, however (and I'm really sorry about this).... Your equals you're

I get yelled at about that often! Thank you!

 

[Rob Schlintz]

I've had over 50 jobs lived 1-+ locations even a year in location all the same, since preschool have had dislikes, in my 6 years in army I found friends, and occasional love partners, thought to much , pushed away, point is admitting gives them an excuse to push you away, being yourself your just different, which I have been my whole life still single at 45

 

[Bella Pines]

In my last job, it was two women - both very loud and domineering, had both been in the job for years, hated it and loved to moan. Both loved to talk at great length about their families and holidays, which I took zero interest in. One was my team leader at one point and tried to micro-manage me into doing everything her way, whereas I preferred to find my own ways of doing things and prioritise the things I felt were most important.

The time before that, it was a younger girl who used to wax lyrical about her upcoming wedding, how stressed she was and how bad her mother-in-law-to-be was. She was more senior than me, so used to give me tasks to do, then email me several times a day to see if I'd done them (even though she sat on the desk directly behind me).

So I guess the common factors would be me having no time for self-indulgent people, and my hatred of being micro-managed.

Oh you've totally got this, you know the answer. In the first case, all you needed to do was nod and smile in all the right places. If you asked your team lead about her holiday and put 15 minutes aside to smile and nod after each holiday, they would have accepted you. Not as a close friend, but not as an enemy. They only take holidays 1-2 times a year so schedule a slot where you say "oh lovely, did you get good weather"?

In the second case you say "oh that must be so hard for you". That's a good reply to pathetic first world problems like people whining about their inlaws, or equally mundane things like their dog's barber. Simply reply to the emails with "I'm on it" and reassure her that she is doing an excellent job. In the case of micro managers, (or all managers), it's not you it's them! It's really them. If they micro manage it's usually because they are not confident in their own abilities and are doing stupid things to compensate like looking over people's shoulders. Make a show of obedience and reassure them at regular intervals as dictated by the severity of their neurosis.

Now you know this. But if are not willing to play ball, then yes, it will go south again and there will be the neurotic element who will hate you.

But there's the choice, wear the mask and be accepted, or be us and be excluded. I do often choose the latter, but where necessary I adopt the former.

 

[Emmz]

Now you know this. But if are not willing to play ball, then yes, it will go south again and there will be the neurotic element who will hate you.

But there's the choice, wear the mask and be accepted, or be us and be excluded. I do often choose the latter, but where necessary I adopt the former.

Hey that's great advice - you obviously know what you're talking about here! I'm not sure how easy it would be to out it into action tho, particularly dealing with micro-managers, as that does get me really stressed and riled.
I guess what it comes down to is that the advice you often hear to "Just be yourself" is the worst possible strategy if you're on the spectrum - actually the LAST person you need to be is yourself.

 

[Bella Pines]

Hey that's great advice - you obviously know what you're talking about here! I'm not sure how easy it would be to out it into action tho, particularly dealing with micro-managers, as that does get me really stressed and riled. I guess what it comes down to is that the advice you often hear to "Just be yourself" is the worst possible strategy if you're on the spectrum - actually the LAST person you need to be is yourself.

I never really know what I'm talking about, but I have been in this exact position in new jobs... let's see, 8 times as far as I can remember...

I would LOVE to be myself, it is much more relaxing when I can let go and don't have to filter or force what I say. Now that I'm in my forties I do have a handful of people (including another aspie) who I can just exist around without putting on a song and dance.

Unfortunately, as long as we are in the minority, we can only show brief glimpses of who we are, rationed and gently to those with what I call "neurotypical disorder". Who physically cannot think logically or control their emotions. They should all get professional help really.

So anyway, as distasteful and hard work as it is, practice the tricks. Parrot the phrases "oh what a fabulous hair cut", "oh I'm so sorry to hear that", move your eye brows and force a smile, mirror their behaviour and keep your opinions to yourself and you'll get off to a good start. Then as time goes by, slowly let them see a bit of the real you, piece by piece. A little of us goes a long way

And I read a comedy page a while back that pointed out "in tv shows, everyone's favourite character is the aspie, in real life, not so much"!