Holiday

[Starfire]

I'm just wondering if anyone else chooses not to go on holiday with their family? The thought of airports, being crammed into a tight grubby seat surrounded by strangers, the noise, air being recirculated, being stared at by security when you are trying to keep yourself together, it's just not worth it for me. Then once there, the constant worry about being robbed or ripped off, food poisoning, the weather, and general hygiene issues etc, then on top of that the enforced expectations of romance or being tactile which I don't enjoy either.

The reason I ask is because my family will be going on holiday again soon without me, and despite their best intentions to make me feel guilty, or responsible for their happiness, I simply feel neither. I'm happy to pay for it all and hear about it when they return, but to be honest I love the peace and space and solitude, combined with the extra free time to pursue my interests undisturbed. That is my idea of a holiday.

Am I being selfish in not going even if it's blatantly clear it would be highly disturbing and not enjoyable for me, which would then make me the bad guy for spoiling their holiday, again? I don't want to spoil it for them. I'm totally confused about what is the right thing to do in this situation. Regardless of any answers I receive though, I'm still not going.

 

[ksheehan88]

I'm just wondering if anyone else chooses not to go on holiday with their family? The thought of airports, being crammed into a tight grubby seat surrounded by strangers, the noise, air being recirculated, being stared at by security when you are trying to keep yourself together, it's just not worth it for me. Then once there, the constant worry about being robbed or ripped off, food poisoning, the weather, and general hygiene issues etc, then on top of that the enforced expectations of romance or being tactile which I don't enjoy either.

The reason I ask is because my family will be going on holiday again soon without me, and despite their best intentions to make me feel guilty, or responsible for their happiness, I simply feel neither. I'm happy to pay for it all and hear about it when they return, but to be honest I love the peace and space and solitude, combined with the extra free time to pursue my interests undisturbed. That is my idea of a holiday.

Am I being selfish in not going even if it's blatantly clear it would be highly disturbing and not enjoyable for me, which would then make me the bad guy for spoiling their holiday, again? I don't want to spoil it for them. I'm totally confused about what is the right thing to do in this situation. Regardless of any answers I receive though, I'm still not going.

Going to Tesco or into town with my family is stressful enough... no thanks, I don't do holidays... I prefer my home comforts.

I don't like days out or things like that either. I like to stay at home, or go to a friends place and just chill out (thats my "me" times though, not a family thing).

 

[Starfire]

Shopping is a nightmare, my wife usually does that while I hoover or cook etc, we always have an equal division of labour it's just that she's better than me at some things, and vice versa. I like to stay at home too.

 

[ksheehan88]

We have our shopping delivered luckily so usually its just a quick pop in and out... but with the three kids and a possibly busy supermarket, its a nightmare.

I try and do things like going into town or to the shop alone, or I send my partner to the shop instead. Sometimes though its unavoidable

 

[Starfire]

Sometimes it is unavoidable, that's when I would bribe a daughter to come speed shopping. I give them the list and follow behind with the trolley. They know where everything is so I follow behind making a game of it. The faster we get the job done and get out, the better the financial bribe. They know to avoid aisles with lots of people, or I wait while they run down, grab what we need then continue. It's rare when I have to go fir

 

[LittleLemon]

Thankfully, family lives close enough so we can drive, but I'd still rather not. My dream holiday is at home with my husband and kids. Now it's my husband, kids, and inlaws at their houses. I like them and get along with them , but it's really too much for me. I take as many breaks as I can from people. I swallow my discomfort because I know it's important to my husband, and my kids love their extended family. I always require a long recovery time afterwards.

 

[Mr Allen]

I quite like Holidays actually, we haven't had one this year though, maybe next year, I keep saying I want to go to either America or Canada for WWE Wrestle Mania, but it's always too expensive, plus with old man Trump's stance against migrants us Brits ain't welcome anyway.

 

[Starfire]

Hi LittleLemon, I could manage driving but the trouble with the UK being an island, is that unfortunately most vacations or family visits involve flying. My wife's family are from Europe and I don't speak their language so in the past when I went out of a sense of duty for her benefit, I was inevitably left in the corner being smiled at and nodded to from time to time while they caught up on family news. I always felt like a monkey in a cage surrounded by tourists. It was always a very uncomfortable experience for me. As if it wasn't bad enough being out of my routine and comfort zone being an exhibit is too much.

I noticed you said you "swallowed your discomfort because I know it's important to my husband" In a way I guess I was questioning whether people thought it was selfish of me because I don't feel able to swallow my discomfort. I also don't feel any guilt about that although I've been told I should. I don't want to spoil their fun in any way, I just don't feel I want to be part of it.

 

[Starfire]

Hi Rich, I think you should be ok going to America. The UK has a special relationship with the USA and a long history together. As for Canada same again as far as I'm aware, our nations are great friends. I agree it would be expensive to get there though and as for wrestling, too many people and too much testosterone for me!

 

[LittleLemon]

I noticed you said you "swallowed your discomfort because I know it's important to my husband" In a way I guess I was questioning whether people thought it was selfish of me because I don't feel able to swallow my discomfort. I also don't feel any guilt about that although I've been told I should. I don't want to spoil their fun in any way, I just don't feel I want to be part of it.

I was debating whether or not to say that because it does come off sounding simplistic when it's not and I don't think it's selfish of you *at all.* Going to another country and being gawked at like an animal (I felt that way every time we traveled to my mom's country of Thailand) is not an easy feat. I swallow it because in the past it's easier to go along with it than deal with my husband's disappointment in the future and also the crushing guilt I feel. I kind of have to weigh the consequences. My tears and scary tantrums have kept us from going in the past and while it does lessen the strain of actually having to go, I've found it's the worse option *for me.* I can't speak for anyone else and I can certainly understand how you feel. There have been times where I've had to compromise and I stay home with one child and my husband takes 2. Family obligations are tough.You could also plan ahead of time methods and ways to cope. I'm not sure what they would be for you, but for me, it would be times where I can be alone for a long period of time. Don't beat yourself up though. I might had missed this, but does your wife understand? My husband is understanding which is why he's been going to his parents several times throughout the year and I stay except for Christmas coming up.

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

Why should you feel guilty? The old "ought" work, eugh! If you were just being selfish and insisting on everybody doing what you want to do, they might have a point; but you've got a condition, for Goodness sake! You've evidently made the effort in the past, and it hasn't worked. You're actually taking responsibility for their happiness by not going. I don't know your family of course, so I'm not going to make snap judgements; we all have different ideas of what makes a good holiday and what doesn't, and it seems your family's idea of a good time is your worst nightmare. Unless you can come to some sort of compromise, where you agree to take part in certain things in exchange for being allowed to opt out of others; or you spend part of the holiday doing what your family likes, and the other part doing what you like, you're probably better off staying at home, or taking a separate holiday on your own, doing what suits you.

 

[Starfire]

I don't think it sounds simplistic LittleLemon, I think it's quite succinct and I understand what you're saying. Wow it sounds like our situations are quite similar. I also went along with it in the past for the same reason as you of not wanting to disappoint my wife. I don't now however feel any guilt because as far I'm concerned, I've discharged my obligation by traveling to meet her family on several occasions in the past, despite having nothing in common with them and being totally unable to communicate with them. I became overwhelmed on one trip and had a meltdown in front of her family which embarrassed her, I was past caring and had simply had enough. I was unable to cope with everyone and everything and got angry then tearful. I just wanted to go home and be by myself. Family obligations are as you said, tough. My wife does understand to some degree but I'm now forever hearing about how she feels like a widow having to attend events, take holidays, go to parties etc without me because I can't handle all of that. I think a lot of the things that she found endearing about me in the beginning, have become annoying, irritating and tedious.

Thank you Katherine, for recognising that it is precisely because of their happiness foremost that I don't go. I want them to be able to be spontaneous and not to follow my itinerary. To eat where they like without me checking reviews online first, to go to the beach or swim in a pool of which I would do neither, instead of being dragged to a museum or place of historical interest. I know they find me annoying, difficult and tiresome and to some degree it probably does them good to get a break from me, while giving me a chance to rejuvenate on my own. I think that is a good compromise that everyone benefits from.

Thank you everyone for your comments, thoughts and observations , I have found them very helpful