Hiding it with alcohol?

[Rodafina]

It’s just difficult because it’s more of a prescribed medication than an addiction. Also, it’s part of my routine. Going back to not having relief from the daily noise and stress, and changing a routine, sounds unbearable.

Long before I knew I was Autistic, I thought I was diabetic because I needed to eat every 4 hours or I would get dizzy and feel like I was going to pass out. It was really because it was my ‘routine’ . If I changed it, I would suffer horribly for days. The alcohol thing at 3:00 every day is obviously something very similar. The problem is that 1 cocktail becomes 10. And if I can’t taste the liquor, I’m not scratching the itch.

My problem is a lit more like a problem of changing a routine without losing my mind. Obviously I’m a textbook functioning alcoholic. But it’s soooo much deeper than that.

That’s why they call it self medicating. The medication part is very real. But, every medicine comes with a risks/benefits trade off. To clarify, no judgments from me. I self medicated for over 20 years.

 

[AspieChris]

That’s why they call it self medicating. The medication part is very real. But, every medicine comes with a risks/benefits trade off. To clarify, no judgments from me. I self medicated for over 20 years.

I used to get mad: “I can get oxycodone from a Dr and it makes me a pain patient who is getting good medical treatment. But if I drink alcohol, I’m just a drunk and a horrible person”

I was on oxy, legitimately prescribed, for a couple of years. Really high doses. No odor. Tiny pills that I could hide and carry in my pocket. And a much much more dangerous substance to be driving under the influence of. And withdrawls lasted me almost 2 years. Soooo much worse than alcohol.

Self-medicating can be a good thing, but at least a prescription means there are limits. I understand now that the biggest problem with alcohol isn’t how it damages one’s life (although it destroys lives every day). The problem is that it has limitless availability, anywhere you go. It’s really bad that medicating oneself with something so readily available usually leads to abuse and dependence.

“One is too many and 10 is never enough”
I heard that quote in high school. I didn’t get it back then but I understand it all too well now.

 

[AspieChris]

And I gave in. It hit 3:00, my usual time to pour a drink. At 3:45 I was headed towards a meltdown of epic proportions. I have enough gin in the house to kill a baby elephant. I’ll check in tomorrow and report how it went

 

[Rodafina]

I used to get mad: “I can get oxycodone from a Dr and it makes me a pain patient who is getting good medical treatment. But if I drink alcohol, I’m just a drunk and a horrible person”

I was on oxy, legitimately prescribed, for a couple of years. Really high doses. No odor. Tiny pills that I could hide and carry in my pocket. And a much much more dangerous substance to be driving under the influence of. And withdrawls lasted me almost 2 years. Soooo much worse than alcohol.

Self-medicating can be a good thing, but at least a prescription means there are limits. I understand now that the biggest problem with alcohol isn’t how it damages one’s life (although it destroys lives every day). The problem is that it has limitless availability, anywhere you go. It’s really bad that medicating oneself with something so readily available usually leads to abuse and dependence.

“One is too many and 10 is never enough”
I heard that quote in high school. I didn’t get it back then but I understand it all too well now.

Oof. Resonates so hard.

 

[1ofakind]

And I gave in. It hit 3:00, my usual time to pour a drink. At 3:45 I was headed towards a meltdown of epic proportions. I have enough gin in the house to kill a baby elephant. I’ll check in tomorrow and report how it went

In order to be successful long-term, it seems like it may be important to first figure out some good behaviors such as stress releasing activities to help you cope with the overload/meltdown in a new way. Just read that "research shows that replacing a bad behavior with a good one is MORE EFFECTIVE than stopping the bad behavior alone. The new behavior "interferes" with the old habit and prevents your brain from going into autopilot". Let me know if you want any help trying to figure this part out. Nonetheless, I am rooting for you!

 

[AspieChris]

In order to be successful long-term, it seems like it may be important to first figure out some good behaviors such as stress releasing activities to help you cope with the overload/meltdown in a new way. Just read that "research shows that replacing a bad behavior with a good one is MORE EFFECTIVE than stopping the bad behavior alone. The new behavior "interferes" with the old habit and prevents your brain from going into autopilot". Let me know if you want any help trying to figure this part out. Nonetheless, I am rooting for you!

I’ve had a half-liter of gin at this point.

I believe the problem is that I’m terrified of change. Life is difficult, have a drink. Next I’m just drinking because that’s what do at 3:00. Then I can’t stop because it’s a routine. And breaking a routine is unbelievably difficult. But the routine is killing me.

 

[AspieChris]

For the record, I’m not in any sort of crisis. It’s just nice to not to feel ‘scrambled’ and I have again created a solution that becomes a huge problem.

The issue here is more about ‘social burnout’ than ‘alcoholism’, although the burnout causes less long-term problems than the drinking.

My biggest problem is getting from the middle of the day when I’m completely fried, to the end of the day when I can shut down. N.T’s would say it’s not a big deal and I’m just a drunk but I’m going to guess that I’m not alone in this situation.

 

[Rodafina]

I’m going to guess that I’m not alone in this situation

Some of us have been there, some of us are there right now, some of us will be there one day. You are surely not alone.

 

[MNAus]

For the record, I’m not in any sort of crisis. It’s just nice to not to feel ‘scrambled’ and I have again created a solution that becomes a huge problem.

The issue here is more about ‘social burnout’ than ‘alcoholism’, although the burnout causes less long-term problems than the drinking.

My biggest problem is getting from the middle of the day when I’m completely fried, to the end of the day when I can shut down. N.T’s would say it’s not a big deal and I’m just a drunk but I’m going to guess that I’m not alone in this situation.

You're not alone. I would put money on there being a LOT of ASD folk, undiagnosed, who found it difficult to survive the pressure and turned to drink.

I believe the problem is that I’m terrified of change. Life is difficult, have a drink. Next I’m just drinking because that’s what do at 3:00. Then I can’t stop because it’s a routine. And breaking a routine is unbelievably difficult. But the routine is killing me.

I'm sure you've excelled a million times during change and stress. In fact I'd be highly surprised if you WEREN'T someone who is excellent at adapting and surviving, given the things you've had to tackle as ASD in a NT world. Personally I'm not scared of change, I just want to avoid the mental load of it. Personally I'm already running, mentally, at 110% processing detail even when there's not much going on, so the idea of change is like adding another million mice to wheels in my head. Like "not more detail". That's highly unpleasant. And yeah, sending those mice off to sleep with a lazy drink is going to be appealing.

So yeah, you're probably priming those nerves to be sensitive by drinking the night before, and life happens, people are people, society presses, so I can imagine that the idea of fuzziness and a lack of detail is appealing at 3pm. And once it becomes a feeling of the thumbscrews being released, I can see how it becomes quite important. That's not a solution and it's likely making things worse because the next day you have theose jagged nerves again.

Clearly you need to stop drinking like this, but I really recommend you get some help on your thought patterns that lead you to being so stressed at the same time. Some of it is ASD, I would assume, and will take a bit of conscious thought to put back in its cage, but a lot of it is likely just how you approached life and how you made it this far. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong, but there are probably better way of seeing the world. THe good thing is you CAN learn that. It's takes practice, but you CAN learn other ways of understanding situations, and how you react to them, and that will affect how you feel.

 

[AspieChris]

You're not alone. I would put money on there being a LOT of ASD folk, undiagnosed, who found it difficult to survive the pressure and turned to drink.



I'm sure you've excelled a million times during change and stress. In fact I'd be highly surprised if you WEREN'T someone who is excellent at adapting and surviving, given the things you've had to tackle as ASD in a NT world. Personally I'm not scared of change, I just want to avoid the mental load of it. Personally I'm already running, mentally, at 110% processing detail even when there's not much going on, so the idea of change is like adding another million mice to wheels in my head. Like "fuuuuuck, not more detail". That's highly unpleasant. And yeah, sending those mice off to sleep with a lazy drink is going to be appealing.

So yeah, you're probably priming those nerves to be sensitive by drinking the night before, and life happens, people are people, society presses, so I can imagine that the idea of fuzziness and a lack of detail is appealing at 3pm. And once it becomes a feeling of the thumbscrews being released, I can see how it becomes quite important. That's not a solution and it's likely making things worse because the next day you have theose jagged nerves again.

Clearly you need to stop drinking like this, but I really recommend you get some help on your thought patterns that lead you to being so stressed at the same time. Some of it is ASD, I would assume, and will take a bit of conscious thought to put back in its cage, but a lot of it is likely just how you approached life and how you made it this far. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong, but there are probably better way of seeing the world. THe good thing is you CAN learn that. It's takes practice, but you CAN learn other ways of understanding situations, and how you react to them, and that will affect how you feel.

I’m going to read this again tomorrow….. assuming I remember that I wanted to.

I’m setting an alarm for 12 hours from now. I’m certain it’s good advice that I’d love remember.

 

[MNAus]

I’m certain it’s good advice that I’d love remember.

Don't bank on it

 

[AspieChris]

Don't bank on it

Believe it or not, I remember most of the evening and I feel mostly fine this morning.

Everything you said is spot on exactly correct. It’s time for me to make some real changes.

 

[AspieChris]

In order to be successful long-term, it seems like it may be important to first figure out some good behaviors such as stress releasing activities to help you cope with the overload/meltdown in a new way. Just read that "research shows that replacing a bad behavior with a good one is MORE EFFECTIVE than stopping the bad behavior alone. The new behavior "interferes" with the old habit and prevents your brain from going into autopilot". Let me know if you want any help trying to figure this part out. Nonetheless, I am rooting for you!

I knew that already. But I must admit that I didn’t even consider the possibility that anyone else had come to that conclusion. I’ve gotten so used to solving all kinds of problems nobody else can even begin to comprehend, that I have become too arrogant and I rarely consider someone else could have answered the question first.

I’m going to try and change my habit of sitting down and drinking something into getting up and doing something.

 

[AspieChris]

I'm sure you've excelled a million times during change and stress. In fact I'd be highly surprised if you WEREN'T someone who is excellent at adapting and surviving

I have held onto my sanity and hid my stress until I could get somewhere safe and meltdown plenty of times. I’m sure that I appear to excell in front of everyone around me. But the majority of those stressful times were made possible with alcohol.

Mostly, my stress has always been a one-time-thing. Usually a one-day-event, like a birthday party or training at work. But I’m raising a child who’s 15 now, and considering retirement (which I can’t afford because of my child). The stress has been non-stop lately. Soooo many decisions to make that seem to have no clear answers. And my son has ASD also. I’m perpetually worried about his future. It’s killing me inside and I’m forced to hide it all…. or lose it all.

 

[AspieChris]

It’s 5 o’clock. Do you know where your liver is?

I do… and it’s drowning in gin. My wife had what looked like a quiet meltdown this morning over something really small. I spent probably 8 hours quietly getting her back to ‘normal’. I’m fried. It was 3pm. I’m not doing any better today.

 

[Rodafina]

Maybe tomorrow could be 3:15pm.

 

[AspieChris]

Maybe tomorrow could be 3:15pm.

Baby steps. Right?

 

[AspieChris]

Ok…. Now for a new direction on this topic.

I just realized that I’m hiding my fear of failure by doing something that ’masks’ my problems (alcohol) and being very awesome for my wife in this moment, when she seems to be in a kind of ‘stressful crisis’. For the record: It could have been a a flat tire but it wasn’t.

I don’t know how to be the same ‘Superman’ that my friends, family, boss, son, and WIFE, know, without something to slow down time.

I know I’m not alone here. But losing everything and starting over without losing an amazing wife, 30+ year career, 15 year old son(also ASD), home, etc…. It’s simply not an option. I’ll be dead before I endure that.

Any thoughts? I’m open to ideas, but it’s feeling like, although I’m not alone, it’s an unusual situation.

 

[AspieChris]

I started this thread. So I don’t feel bad about taking control ol of it every day. It took me at least 20 minutes to type it and make sure the punctuation and grammar were correct.

Tomorrow should be interesting.

 

[AspieChris]

Clearly I need help. But the help may not be something y’all can provide in due time.

I absolutely appreciate anything that y’all can offer though.