Help with figuring out if those in my family are 'on the spectrum'

[TooLongGone]

Hello!

Thanks in advance for any help you may be able to give. I hope this is the right place.

I have been seeing a therapist for a year now, concerning my problems with my marriage and my children. It has been helping me a GREAT deal! In the last few month she has said that from everything I have told her it may well be that my wife is very much 'on the spectrum' and that my son may have picked up a lot of that, too. Now she doesn't directly talk to my wife or son (this is my therapy, not 'family therapy') so she warns that this is not a diagnosis - but that if I study up on the issue I may be able to adopt strategies for dealing with my wife and son which could be more successful than the things I've tried in the past.

So I am hoping that if I tell this group, which has a lot of wisdom in this area, some of the indicators you could weigh in on if I should take 'being on the spectrum' seriously in terms of my wife and son. I'll start with my wife and will post about my son after.


Wife:

• Likes to socialize and talk to people - considers herself social and a people person. On the surface this is very true - she is polite, seems interested in other people's stories, etc. But when confronted one level down, with deeper er emotional conversations she is out of her depth
• Likes talking to new people and strangers, sometimes more than she likes to talk with friends
• Has had very few adult friends; other moms met through the kids, etc. Usually she gets into a circle but then it fades quickly and mysteriously. She will often blame the others that they were 'snobs' etc
• Watches lots of historical romantic movies, romcoms. But when discussed she has obviously not understood real motivations or why characters made decisions or seemed forced to do something (or not)
• Poor financial decisions - unable to project long term consequences; surprised by outcomes
• I was her first boyfriend at age 33.
• She had had a Lesbian relationship for a year - she says now she convinced herself of lesbianism but didn't really like the culture or the people in her lovers circle, that she only did it because she loved her. Of course, when anyone in that circle was attracted to HER, then she found them 'interesting'
• HATES having in depth conversations about feelings - hers or mine; will 'overload' and withdraw / get angry / avoid
• When going to marriage counseling she'd think the councilor was siding with me anytime he said something like, 'Do you see how that might make him feel?' She'd feel defensive and attacked by that kind of probing - and in the best case end any of those discussions they ended with her saying 'Well, he shouldn't feel that way.' (Which would usually make the councilor say someth8ing like, 'Well you can't make him feel the way you might in that same situation - and then I could see her really drawing a blank (and/or getting angry again.)
• Many of our marital arguments without the marriage counseling end the same way 'Well since you should not feel that way I am not going to do anything different.' Many times she'd then transfer it back with something like 'You are so controlling wanting me to act some way I don't understand.'
• Loves to do puzzles - jigsaw, crosswords, logic puzzles. Sometimes we'd do them together which was nice but she seems to now really just want to do them herself and never invites me into that anymore.
• Very rigid likes and dislikes about food. To the extent that I cannot even cook some of the food I like for myself if she can't take the smell.
• She likes to cook - but follows the recipe religiously the first ten times. After that she MIGHT vary a quantity or ingredient slightly. HATES it when I come by and suggest an embellishment/change ('this is MY cooking day so butt out' - we alternate cooking chores as we both like to cook.)
• Very rigid about being very traditional in the bedroom (won't wear things try toys etc.) Doesn't believe in spicing things up ('I am not a slut'). Never initiates.
• She doesn't express emotions hardly at all - facially or verbally. Except when pushed. Then she'll turn uglyAngry - she'll explode, say ridiculous things and run away and shut down.
• She gets up ungodly early so she can have a few hours of alone time where she'll sit in semi-dark and do puzzles. If that alone time is disturbed she gets upset.
• She doesn't like it when I work from home - it disturbers her household routing and that upsets her.
• Takes forever to make 'hard' or 'important' decisions. Once made the are black and white and unalterable; not even 'tweakable'

Again thanks for the help and feel free to probe more on these (or other points).

 

[Tom]

Hi,
I see a group of behaviors that might be autism driven (alone time, rigidity, a special interest - puzzles) but the majority of things you mention are not what I associate with it. Or better put, they are things AS and NT can people both do, for other then autistic reasons. There are also a few things on the list that are usually not associated with ASD (like being social). So for me the evidence is inconclusive.

 

[hazybabe]

Hi,
I see a group of behaviors that might be autism driven (alone time, rigidity, a special interest - puzzles) but the majority of things you mention are not what I associate with it. Or better put, they are things AS and NT can people both do, for other then autistic reasons. There are also a few things on the list that are usually not associated with ASD (like being social). So for me the evidence is inconclusive.

I dont think I agree Tom, when I was a young teenager I had a mental list of things which were acceptable to say on first contact. I used this script over and over when meeting new people, the conversation was probably very stuff but I was using the script and chameleon skills in order to fake being NT. I made a point of meeting as many new people as possible to fake it. Maintaining friendships was far more difficult, I no longer had a scripts to go by, I try to improvise but the cracks in the fasad begin to show.

 

[hazybabe]

Hi too long gone, you bring up a lot of different things. They only way to get a diagnosis for your wife would be to have her meet a professional who could evaluate her.
The rigidity can't really be helped, if that's the way she feels comfortable then there's not a lot can be done she is after all an adult. With the food/recipes what you can try doing is writing your own family recipe book, that way you can tinker with original recipes adding embellishments. You can keep adding to the folder. The other option would be to ask her to split the food in 2 and embellish for yourself.
Speaking about deep emotions face to face is incredibly difficult for me, I struggle to understand others feelings and find it frustrating when they don't understand what upset me, if I'm pushed when I'm unable to express myself I end up being a vicious cornered cat (screaming, shouting, crying and saying nasty things). Something I find helps is writing feelings down so what I've done in past relationships is a public diary, if I get upset I can write down how I feel or what's bothering which my partner can read and either write a response or tell me his response. In the same way he writes down if I have done something wrong, that way everything is calm and concise. In emotional situations I'm at a disadvantage first I don't understand what is going on, I've no idea how I've hurt the persons feelings, although I try to understand I often find I give an empty apology still unsure as to the issue.
You mentioned your wife's dislike for spicing up your sexlife, perhaps you could start by focusing on you instead of her (she passed comment on being seen as a slut) perhaps you could bring home massage oils and ask her to massage you?
As for her lesbianism in the past I don't really see how that has anything to do with your life together or anything else really [emoji53].