Help with communicating

[ksheehan88]

Oh! sorry! well you can still chat with him on these things he may need to learn some of this stuff to do better in life.

No worries, I suppose it did kind of come across that way lol. Just good friends! Hopefully it will help him in the future xx

 

[Maelstrom]

No worries, I suppose it did kind of come across that way lol. Just good friends! Hopefully it will help him in the future xx

No worries, it's my fault we get allot of ladies asking for aspie dating help here.

 

[Judge]

I'd just like to clarify, we are just friends, we aren't dating xx

Ahhh. Understood. Dating was never in the scheme of things in my life. Except for once...the blind date from hell. Needless to say, it didn't go over well.

All my relationships developed from friendships which evolved into something more.

Not that it happened each and every time...but that's the only way I could approach someone I became attracted to. Although from my own observation in this community I appear to be more the exception than the rule.

I just found dating the ultimate social minefield. Had to be friends with them first to break that ice! OK..I'm weird. I've heard that before.

 

[ksheehan88]

Ahhh. Understood. Dating was never in the scheme of things in my life. Except for once...the blind date from hell. Needless to say, it didn't go over well.

All my relationships developed from friendships which evolved into something more.

Not that it happened each and every time...but that's the only way I could approach someone I became attracted to. Although from my own observation in this community I appear to be more the exception than the rule.

I just found dating the ultimate social minefield. Had to be friends with them first to break that ice! OK..I'm weird. I've heard that before.

I'm not really his type lol. I once asked him, just as an observation, if he thought I was pretty... he said, "Well you're not a page 3 stunner, but you have a shining personality" ... Needless to say I was a bit thrown someone would say something so... Honest... But I just let it go over my head lol. In any case, he's not interested in relationships full stop, bad break up xx

 

[Judge]

I'm not really his type lol. I once asked him, just as an observation, if he thought I was pretty... he said, "Well you're not a page 3 stunner, but you have a shining personality" ... Needless to say I was a bit thrown someone would say something so... Honest... But I just let it go over my head lol. In any case, he's not interested in relationships full stop, bad break up xx

Indeed. Yeah, each breakup can make the next relationship that much more difficult. Then consider me, who simply gave up on love in my early 40s.

Not a page 3 stunner? Hmmm. Even I wouldn't have said that. I can be diplomatic at times or terribly blunt. It depends. But then another major tenet of understanding us is to grasp this saying we have:

"If you've seen one Aspie, then you've seen one Aspie". We may or may not share different traits and behaviors, and at varying intensities. So you'll likely discover that while we might appear to have a lot in common, we can also be quite diverse.

Or as I like to consider, that we can be at different parts of the spectrum altogether.

 

[Maelstrom]

Ouch! yes us aspies are way too direct sometimes sorry! Either he is really picky or you were totally thrashed from partying all night....because your picture is quite lovely.
It isn't something I would have said to a lady.

 

[ksheehan88]

Indeed. Yeah, each breakup can make the next relationship that much more difficult.

Not a page 3 stunner? Hmmm. Even I wouldn't have said that. I can be diplomatic at times or terribly blunt. It depends. But then another major tenet of understanding us is to grasp this saying we have:

"If you've seen one Aspie, then you've seen one Aspie". We may or may not share different traits and behaviors, and at varying intensities. So you'll likely discover that while we might appear to have a lot in common, we can also be quite diverse.

Or as I like to consider, that we can be at different parts of the spectrum altogether.

You are so right... Everybody is different, we're all individuals... NTs have lots of traits and behaviours in common, so why would anyone see people on the spectrum and assume they're all the same... I've never understood that way of thinking xx

 

[ksheehan88]

Ouch! yes us aspies are way too direct sometimes sorry! Either he is really picky or you were totally thrashed from partying all night....because your picture is quite lovely.
It isn't something I would have said to a lady.

Thankyou Maelstrom Ha, direct and to the point! I prefer honesty, even if it hurts! He is rather picky I think, he still carries a torch for his ex too so I imagine he's very much still seeing her as perfection... I would imagine no one else would come close xx

 

[Judge]

You are so right... Everybody is different, we're all individuals... NTs have lots of traits and behaviours in common, so why would anyone see people on the spectrum and assume they're all the same... I've never understood that way of thinking xx

We constitute a social minority. A very small one considering the CDC estimates us at one in every sixty-eight people. So the odds of Neurotypicals having direct contact with someone who is autistic isn't that high.

Before I stumbled onto realizing I was on the spectrum I didn't even have a clear understanding of what autism even was, let alone Aspergers Syndrome. I was only formally aware of having OCD and clinical depression. Never connecting them comorbidly to autism. But then that was just before the medical community formally even acknowledged Aspergers Syndrome.

Bottom line: IMO, on a purely pragmatic level there's no reason for most Neurotypicals to even give us a thought, one way or another. That their most immediate understanding of autism might well be through media, which often portrays us in a stereotyped and stigmatized light. Small wonder we can be easily misunderstood on any number of levels.

One thing that always amuses me is my own hindsight. To realize those few people on the spectrum who were in my orbit at various times of my life. I just didn't have a clue at the time...along with my own autism. I just assumed they were "eccentric", and that I was an "introvert". Oh boy, have I learned since then!

 

[Maelstrom]

Sorry! maybe you should just tell him you like him or ask him out?
Us aspie don't do so well on reading the ladies hints, or asking them out. Sometimes we have to be chased down and run over with a truck to notice a girl.
Ahem! speaking from experience on that one...

 

[ksheehan88]

Sorry! maybe you should just tell him you like him or ask him out?
Us aspie don't do so well on reading the ladies hints, or asking them out. Sometimes we have to be chased down and run over with a truck to notice a girl.
Ahem! speaking from experience on that one...

Sounds painful! Lol. No no no, its not a romantic attraction, I have a boyfriend and kids so I don't imagine he'd be particularly impressed lol. I just care deeply for him xx

 

[Maelstrom]

Sounds painful! Lol. No no no, its not a romantic attraction, I have a boyfriend and kids so I don't imagine he'd be particularly impressed lol. I just care deeply for him xx

okay! I was joking about getting run over, good luck with your friend.

 

[Judge]

Without proper understanding, even as just a friend it's tragically easy for people to walk- or run away from us. Something many of us live with all the time.

And while outwardly it may not seem that it fazes us, it can hurt a lot.

We can be caring and empathetic. However we don't necessarily have the ability to project it in a way meaningful or understandable to NTs.

 

[ksheehan88]

Without proper understanding, even as just a friend it's tragically easy for people to walk- or run away from us. Something many of us live with all the time.

And while outwardly it may not seem that it fazes us, it can hurt a lot.

We can be caring and empathetic. However we don't necessarily have the ability to project it in a way meaningful or understandable to NTs.

He's had a good few people do exactly that, I have no intention whatsoever of abandoning him. Whether he decides to keep me in his life, is not something I can control but hopefully the better I understand him the more likely it is we'll stay friends xx

 

[Judge]

It pains me to understand how I normally appear to keep people at "an arm's length". But it's an aspect of my autism...not to be taken personally.

Then again easier said than done. At times I don't see how people can not take that personally. Catch-22.

But for me, when I do keep people at a distance, it's not that I want to keep them out of my life either. Just another one of those contradictions that make up who and what we are. It's a hard life...I can't really joke about it.

 

[ksheehan88]

You guys have been so helpful, I wonder if you could help some more... I have not long spoken to my friend on the phone, he sounds really down and angry, I feel so helpless right now. He's "ranting" and talking about how he should just top himself and be done with life because he'll never be able to figure out how to live in the world as it is. He's spoken like this before, and usually within a day or so he's back to himself... but what do I do? I can't physically get to him because I'm an hour away by train and its almost 10pm here. I just want to help him to feel better but its almost impossible to get through to him as he is now, he can't hear me with it all swirling round his head. Do you have any advice? xx

 

[Maelstrom]

You guys have been so helpful, I wonder if you could help some more... I have not long spoken to my friend on the phone, he sounds really down and angry, I feel so helpless right now. He's "ranting" and talking about how he should just top himself and be done with life because he'll never be able to figure out how to live in the world as it is. He's spoken like this before, and usually within a day or so he's back to himself... but what do I do? I can't physically get to him because I'm an hour away by train and its almost 10pm here. I just want to help him to feel better but its almost impossible to get through to him as he is now, he can't hear me with it all swirling round his head. Do you have any advice? xx

pick a subject he is fond of and try to get him thinking on that, basically say something to distract him from that line of thought. That is all that seemed to work with my last girl who liked talking about suicide all the time.

Sometimes the suicide thing is a manipulation.... the Boo Hoo friend me game, my sympathies to you on figuring that out!

You could suggest you dial the suicide line for him, his response may be revealing?

 

[ksheehan88]

pick a subject he is fond of and try to get him thinking on that, basically say something to distract him from that line of thought. That is all that seemed to work with my last girl who liked talking about suicide all the time.

Sometimes the suicide thing is a manipulation.... the Boo Hoo friend me game, my sympathies to you on figuring that out!

You could suggest you dial the suicide line for him, his response may be revealing?

I did wonder whether it was an attempt to make me feel bad for him... He has said it many times before but at the same time I know you should always take threats of suicide seriously. I may try the suicide hotline thing when he does it again, same with the distraction. I txtd him later in the evening just to let him know that I care and I'm here for him, whether he made any sense of it I don't know. Hopefully he's in a better place today. Thankyou xx

 

[Maelstrom]

I did wonder whether it was an attempt to make me feel bad for him... He has said it many times before but at the same time I know you should always take threats of suicide seriously. I may try the suicide hotline thing when he does it again, same with the distraction. I txtd him later in the evening just to let him know that I care and I'm here for him, whether he made any sense of it I don't know. Hopefully he's in a better place today. Thankyou xx

You are welcome, I understand how you feel it is a difficult thing because you would feel terrible if he actually did something.
ksheehan88 I have a lady who has stalked me some who liked to threaten to kill her self when she didn't feel she was getting the attention she wanted from me. I had to finally threaten her with the police to get her to leave me alone. I wanted to be kind to her, but the nicer I was to her the more abusive and controlling she was towards me.
Some people are just wandering raging stars and there is little you can safely do to help them.
You have my sympathies....do whatever you feel is best not just for him but for your own welfare as well.

I am sorry you are caught in such a situation, you were likely picked because you have a soft kind heart.

That is how it is Maelstrom

 

[ksheehan88]

You are welcome, I understand how you feel it is a difficult thing because you would feel terrible if he actually did something.
ksheehan88 I have a lady who has stalked me some who liked to threaten to kill her self when she didn't feel she was getting the attention she wanted from me. I had to finally threaten her with the police to get her to leave me alone. I wanted to be kind to her, but the nicer I was to her the more abusive and controlling she was towards me.
Some people are just wandering raging stars and there is little you can safely do to help them.
You have my sympathies....do whatever you feel is best not just for him but for your own welfare as well.

I am sorry you are caught in such a situation, you were likely picked because you have a soft kind heart.

That is how it is Maelstrom

He is definitely a lost soul my heart breaks for him sometimes. I keep on with it because I can see he's a good person, just confused and misunderstood.

I'd like to think if he can see at least one person in the world isn't against him he'll start to be a bit happier. I'm sorry to hear of your experience, that sounds quite terrifying and I'm glad you managed to resolve it.

I see what you mean about being picked for being soft, it has happened in the past... I tend to see the good in people and sometimes that does end up leading me to being bitten, I'm forever being told I'm too trusting. Its all worth it though if you can make a positive difference to someones life xx