Help! Need opinions/ideas.

[Vix05119]

Hi everybody, my 8 yr old son has recently been diagnosed with adhd and aspergers. We have been researching and working on techniques that work for him. However, he has an 8 yr old nt brother who I'm am having trouble explaining things to about his brother and why we have to do things so differently for him. Is there any ideas or opinions as to how to explain things to him better and help him understand. It seems like he thinks I'm spoiling his brother and it's unfair and that I like his brother better. [emoji17]

 

[Judge]

I don't think there's a lot you can accomplish in getting an 8 year old NT boy to explicitly understand what's happening here. I suspect most of us can tell you that the dynamics you speak of often apply to adults, let alone 8 year old children. That being on the spectrum is a very difficult thing to understand, let alone convey to others what it is.

Compounding it all for us Aspies is that there are traits and behaviors we *might* be able to improve upon or mimic to some degree. Equally there are traits and behaviors that we are simply unable to overcome. And that we aren't all cookie-cutter versions of each other. So there can be an enormous variety of differences between one Aspie and another.

And compounding it all for Neurotypicals is that they constitute an overwhelming social/neurological majority to the point where they default to an expectation that everyone should think and communicate as they do. In most cases they don't have a frame of reference to even ponder the possibility that others can be so different from themselves.

Perhaps the most constructive thing you could tell your 8 year old NT son is to think about the occasional times in his life in which he will be either hurt and/or intensely frustrated when someone doesn't understand his words and/or actions. That he will likely never experience the hurt and frustration of being neurologically different with the frequency and intensity his brother could encounter.

In other words, appeal to his compassion if it is within him.

Unlike the complexities of autism, you can always appeal to one's compassion, whether they are 8 or 80 if it's really there. There's no method or mechanics to successfully explaining autism to a Neurotypical. They either get it, or they don't, or in many cases they simply don't want to bother because they default to a logic of themselves existing in a social/neurological majority.

 

[icesyckel]

I agree with Judge but would add that you could do special things with just the NT child as well, to make him feel "special."

I think parents are sometimes given the false idea that ASD means a child cannot be taught to behave. Those on the spectrum have varying abilities, granted, but only in the most extreme cases of autism is someone completely unable to learn tolerable behavior. They may still struggle in school, but learning not to hit classmates, for example, is usually possible. Learning fixed/static rules is easier than learning contextual social norms.

So, coming to my point: are you showing your child with ASD preferential treatment? If so, then is that best for either child?