Hello everyone. I am a 38-year-old female who moved to NY almost a decade ago on a student visa to pursue my dream of doing a PhD. In my life I have been blessed with two amazing parents who dedicated their lives to their children's education and well-being, but also cursed with the inability to connect to people. I rarely find myself in a relationship, and in every place I tried to work or study people tried to hurt me in one way or another (from trying to make me lose my job, to openly attacking me verbally). This usually happens to my great surprise because I'm always doing my best to be pleasant, discreet, considerate of others, and focus on my work only.
I did self-diagnose with Aspergers but I do not exhibit the traits that would hinder human interaction and communication, such as lack of hygiene or empathy, and I am constantly putting conscious effort into trying to be a better person, defining my plans for the future, looking and behaving decent around others, and so on.
In my personal life, I usually attract narcissistic types who are only interested in superficial gain. My last relationship ended badly with my ex reminding me every day that I am autistic and thus unable to have a family, that I was lucky he wanted to be with me since no one else would, and that I will eventually die alone. He told me very early what others must be thinking of me when they meet me, namely that the only reason I was successful until now was my "pretty face, which is now old", and that I am one of those people who "carry a scar" that makes them different, and under any other circumstances (without my appearance and not being young anymore) they would perish.
After so many years in this great city, I find myself alone with no friends, unable to even find another place to live when my lease expires soon (it's extremely difficult to find somewhere nice and affordable to live without connections and without regular employment). I am struggling to finish my thesis due to the lack of any strong connections to people in my institution who could make this experience more meaningful. I am afraid that I wasted my best years and a good amount of money on a degree that won't secure employment for me in the near future, while also wasting my chances for a good life with someone.
I see my parents growing old together, taking care of each other, having so much to say about their lives, being so proud for everything they have achieved together, and it breaks my heart that I will never be able to offer them a grandchild or at least make them proud through my professional success. I have so much love to give, so much desire for life, but noone to share them with.
I am depressed with the thought that I cannot achieve everything I want because of the way I am, and, even worse, I'm sad watching me lose everything I worked for simply because my disease makes me unlikable. Even when I stop worrying about a future I built on weak foundations, I'm sad with my everyday; I wish I had someone to go for a walk with, talk to, listen to, share my worries or the news, laugh at silly jokes together, take a road trip on the weekend, and so on.
Apologies for the long post, happy to find this forum and to be here,
Thank you for reading.
I did self-diagnose with Aspergers but I do not exhibit the traits that would hinder human interaction and communication, such as lack of hygiene or empathy, and I am constantly putting conscious effort into trying to be a better person, defining my plans for the future, looking and behaving decent around others, and so on.
In my personal life, I usually attract narcissistic types who are only interested in superficial gain. My last relationship ended badly with my ex reminding me every day that I am autistic and thus unable to have a family, that I was lucky he wanted to be with me since no one else would, and that I will eventually die alone. He told me very early what others must be thinking of me when they meet me, namely that the only reason I was successful until now was my "pretty face, which is now old", and that I am one of those people who "carry a scar" that makes them different, and under any other circumstances (without my appearance and not being young anymore) they would perish.
After so many years in this great city, I find myself alone with no friends, unable to even find another place to live when my lease expires soon (it's extremely difficult to find somewhere nice and affordable to live without connections and without regular employment). I am struggling to finish my thesis due to the lack of any strong connections to people in my institution who could make this experience more meaningful. I am afraid that I wasted my best years and a good amount of money on a degree that won't secure employment for me in the near future, while also wasting my chances for a good life with someone.
I see my parents growing old together, taking care of each other, having so much to say about their lives, being so proud for everything they have achieved together, and it breaks my heart that I will never be able to offer them a grandchild or at least make them proud through my professional success. I have so much love to give, so much desire for life, but noone to share them with.
I am depressed with the thought that I cannot achieve everything I want because of the way I am, and, even worse, I'm sad watching me lose everything I worked for simply because my disease makes me unlikable. Even when I stop worrying about a future I built on weak foundations, I'm sad with my everyday; I wish I had someone to go for a walk with, talk to, listen to, share my worries or the news, laugh at silly jokes together, take a road trip on the weekend, and so on.
Apologies for the long post, happy to find this forum and to be here,
Thank you for reading.