Thoughts for long time just for the thread topic and ended with something cliche, sorry about that. Actually, I do have trouble saying sorry out loud verbally even if I am sorry as it makes me feel vulnerable. Anyone having same issue?
Okay, now let me introduce myself. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome with depression in 2020, and in the same year received a final, formal medical report diagnosing me with Major Depressive Disorder. The me, back then, accepted that as possible early misdiagnosis and never thought about it later on and continued with prescribed antidepressants medications for years in the follow-up psychiatric clinic, joined university, suffered from the side effects of medications, suffered socially and academically in the university. Then, I decided to quit the medications which the doctors were against of (and the funny part about this is that in the medical report, it was written that I was having good mood, regular sleep ALL THANKS to the medications despite me lamenting about the meds affecting my sleep at night and make me sleep sleepy and tired all the time). Ok, enough lamenting about the failed, tone-deaf mental healthcare, I am a soon-to-be 25-year-old (will be in 2 weeks) and possibly a neurodivergent person, despite a diagnosis of Asperger's, not fully understanding what is going on wrong with me. To add on, I am currently, supposedly a fourth-year undergraduate Electronic Engineering student who just finished? internship (I put a question mark there because I was told to leave politely by the company when I was obviously, visibly struggling there and reached my limit and a lot happened which would take a long time and energy for me to write but it was during that time that I re-considered and realised the "misdiagnosis" that I thought might be true and that I was in a state of autistic burnout. I tried several approaches, changing environment, brown noise, black noise, white noise but maybe I was too late to realise and I ended up failing miserably and was the only intern there among the team to fail.
Anyways, I returned home, only to hear tobe-deaf comments from parents which frustrated me and ended up with me running to my university for my final year but school was not the same and I could not resume my academic, hence asked for advice for Academic Advisor and Faculty for the semester deferment which was ignored and I was just wasting away my life in the university hostel until my final year project coordinator contacted me over my absence of progress and only then my plea was escalated to the office and somehow I got the deferment but the process was not smooth and I had burnout right after that and eventually with the surrounding unbearable noise I finally decided to take my life with overdose but I attempted a multidrug overdose with the antidepressants that I was recently prescribed with which had a side effects of vomiting and nausea and that the antidepressants alone are less likely to be fatal and hence, most of the medications I ingested with the antidepressants were vomited out, ending my first suicide attempt with failure. I was discharged after being observed for 2 days and apparently there were no complications. It has been one week since then. At first, I had optimism to fix things but soon I was back to usual and started to contemplate suicide and today for some reason I had some energy so I immediately grab my laptop to do something and I have no idea why I am even here and why I am posting this but I just wanted to do something. No idea how my future will go from now on or if I even have one. So, hello to everyone out there.
PS: I believe using AI like LLM is harmful to me (not sure if other neurodivergent people feel the same) but I just feel that group assignments just became soulless, brainless copy-paste from ChatGPT and even some "higher-ups" which I used and this is part od reasons why I reached burnout during my internship since LLMs are very good at making convincible, reasonable-sounding statements with "flowery" words (like the politicians before they come to power) which a lot of times are incorrect and I often get misled and confused by them. From now on, I stand by the traditional approach of searching and reading multiple resources like how it was for my work if I continue to live. Honestly, I feel like I am living in an era and world not fit for, I hoped I was born in the 20th century (not the war time but somewhere suitable).
Okay, now let me introduce myself. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome with depression in 2020, and in the same year received a final, formal medical report diagnosing me with Major Depressive Disorder. The me, back then, accepted that as possible early misdiagnosis and never thought about it later on and continued with prescribed antidepressants medications for years in the follow-up psychiatric clinic, joined university, suffered from the side effects of medications, suffered socially and academically in the university. Then, I decided to quit the medications which the doctors were against of (and the funny part about this is that in the medical report, it was written that I was having good mood, regular sleep ALL THANKS to the medications despite me lamenting about the meds affecting my sleep at night and make me sleep sleepy and tired all the time). Ok, enough lamenting about the failed, tone-deaf mental healthcare, I am a soon-to-be 25-year-old (will be in 2 weeks) and possibly a neurodivergent person, despite a diagnosis of Asperger's, not fully understanding what is going on wrong with me. To add on, I am currently, supposedly a fourth-year undergraduate Electronic Engineering student who just finished? internship (I put a question mark there because I was told to leave politely by the company when I was obviously, visibly struggling there and reached my limit and a lot happened which would take a long time and energy for me to write but it was during that time that I re-considered and realised the "misdiagnosis" that I thought might be true and that I was in a state of autistic burnout. I tried several approaches, changing environment, brown noise, black noise, white noise but maybe I was too late to realise and I ended up failing miserably and was the only intern there among the team to fail.
Anyways, I returned home, only to hear tobe-deaf comments from parents which frustrated me and ended up with me running to my university for my final year but school was not the same and I could not resume my academic, hence asked for advice for Academic Advisor and Faculty for the semester deferment which was ignored and I was just wasting away my life in the university hostel until my final year project coordinator contacted me over my absence of progress and only then my plea was escalated to the office and somehow I got the deferment but the process was not smooth and I had burnout right after that and eventually with the surrounding unbearable noise I finally decided to take my life with overdose but I attempted a multidrug overdose with the antidepressants that I was recently prescribed with which had a side effects of vomiting and nausea and that the antidepressants alone are less likely to be fatal and hence, most of the medications I ingested with the antidepressants were vomited out, ending my first suicide attempt with failure. I was discharged after being observed for 2 days and apparently there were no complications. It has been one week since then. At first, I had optimism to fix things but soon I was back to usual and started to contemplate suicide and today for some reason I had some energy so I immediately grab my laptop to do something and I have no idea why I am even here and why I am posting this but I just wanted to do something. No idea how my future will go from now on or if I even have one. So, hello to everyone out there.
PS: I believe using AI like LLM is harmful to me (not sure if other neurodivergent people feel the same) but I just feel that group assignments just became soulless, brainless copy-paste from ChatGPT and even some "higher-ups" which I used and this is part od reasons why I reached burnout during my internship since LLMs are very good at making convincible, reasonable-sounding statements with "flowery" words (like the politicians before they come to power) which a lot of times are incorrect and I often get misled and confused by them. From now on, I stand by the traditional approach of searching and reading multiple resources like how it was for my work if I continue to live. Honestly, I feel like I am living in an era and world not fit for, I hoped I was born in the 20th century (not the war time but somewhere suitable).
