Chew Magna
Active Member
Hi everyone, I'm Josh, 33 years old, and have strong suspicions that I could be an Aspie.
I've always had difficulty in social interactions, reading people, interacting with them. I went through a lot of grief in my younger years because of this, constant verbal and physical abuse both at home and at school. I thought I was just different. It wasn't until a few years ago that I suspected I might have some form of ASD after realizing an overall decline in my ability to function socially. Before that I thought it might just be anxiety, depression, compulsion disorder, and possibly non-criminal sociopath.
A few weeks ago I was watching a documentary about a child prodigy who was diagnosed with Asperger's. It sounded extremely familiar, so I started doing some reading. Until this point I had never heard of the condition and knew very little about autism in general. I did some research and found that I checked all the boxes. Lack of empathy, little to no social skills, many nervous ticks, sensitivity to sounds and smells, repetitive actions (these are a problem, they get to the point that it drives me crazy sometimes). Tone of voice has also been a huge issue and has created more than a few problems for me. I also tend to bury myself in hobbies to get myself away from having to think too much. I have many, and I'm always picking up more. I have incredible difficulty in going to sleep, it's like my brain is always stuck going 150mph. Sleep aids don't help, I end up fighting them, the only sure way is to wear myself out to the point that I finally pass out. This usually results in a very inconsistent sleep pattern, especially being unemployed right now. There was a point a couple months ago where I was up for several 24+ hour periods within a single week. Another big thing is routine interruptions. If there's anything that sets me off, it's being interrupted when I'm doing something. Eye contact is an issue. People have difficulty understanding, or believing, someone who can't maintain eye contact. I've been accused of lying throughout my life because of this, even though I'm not. I also found that short term memory is an issue, which I also have trouble with.
Over the years most of this has gotten worse. As a kid I had a lot of problems. After high school I went into the Navy, and for a while I was "normal." It was a new beginning and somehow I managed to fit in, even with the "cool people", although that usually took a lot of party beverages to pull off. After the military it's been a constant slide downhill (since '03).
I asked around and learned that there are some preliminary quizzes that can be taken online. I took a few of them and scored well into the area of "most likely." I also found that Asperger's could be genetic, and I learned that I have a cousin who is a Aspie and is unable to function on his own. I wondered why I was never diagnosed as a child, but found that Asperger's wasn't really a thing until '81, which happens to be my birth year, and I grew up in a backwoods where it was probably unheard of.
After finding Asperger's I feel like I have finally found a reason as to why I am the way I am. At the same time I don't think it will solve anything. I've always had problems with relationships and holding jobs. Luckily I finally found the person who accepts me for who I am, no questions asked (and I've been through some absolutely horrible relationships before this one), but holding down a steady job has become a real issue the past 10 years. I've had many issues with employment, mostly revolving around getting along with co-workers and management. It's not that I'm a bad employee, I've always done my job, usually surpassing others in job performance, it's getting along with others that causes problems. I've had jobs where other employees have tried to have me fired, both successfully and unsuccessfully (for no apparent reason), I've been asked to leave more than one job due to misunderstandings between myself and customers (the tone of voice comes into play here). I don't believe I've ever done anything deliberately to warrant this treatment, but I do know that I can't seem to stop myself from pointing things out, usually problems I notice with other people regarding their work quality and ethics. I'm often accused of being a know-it-all, and that I tend to "purposely" talk over people's heads (you'd be surprised the problems you can cause when you use words people aren't familiar with in every day conversation). I have problems finding work because I can't wrap my head around how to properly fill out an application or resume (selling myself), and the fact that the entire concept of the interview and hiring process just scares the piss out of me (meeting new people and unfamiliar places).
So I think I'm reaching out for some help here. I feel I need a professional opinion, but getting that is impossible right now. No work, no money. I don't know how to go about finding work that I can do without having these issues. Being 33 years old and having probably five years of unemployment in the past decade is very embarrassing, I just don't know how to fix it.
I've always had difficulty in social interactions, reading people, interacting with them. I went through a lot of grief in my younger years because of this, constant verbal and physical abuse both at home and at school. I thought I was just different. It wasn't until a few years ago that I suspected I might have some form of ASD after realizing an overall decline in my ability to function socially. Before that I thought it might just be anxiety, depression, compulsion disorder, and possibly non-criminal sociopath.
A few weeks ago I was watching a documentary about a child prodigy who was diagnosed with Asperger's. It sounded extremely familiar, so I started doing some reading. Until this point I had never heard of the condition and knew very little about autism in general. I did some research and found that I checked all the boxes. Lack of empathy, little to no social skills, many nervous ticks, sensitivity to sounds and smells, repetitive actions (these are a problem, they get to the point that it drives me crazy sometimes). Tone of voice has also been a huge issue and has created more than a few problems for me. I also tend to bury myself in hobbies to get myself away from having to think too much. I have many, and I'm always picking up more. I have incredible difficulty in going to sleep, it's like my brain is always stuck going 150mph. Sleep aids don't help, I end up fighting them, the only sure way is to wear myself out to the point that I finally pass out. This usually results in a very inconsistent sleep pattern, especially being unemployed right now. There was a point a couple months ago where I was up for several 24+ hour periods within a single week. Another big thing is routine interruptions. If there's anything that sets me off, it's being interrupted when I'm doing something. Eye contact is an issue. People have difficulty understanding, or believing, someone who can't maintain eye contact. I've been accused of lying throughout my life because of this, even though I'm not. I also found that short term memory is an issue, which I also have trouble with.
Over the years most of this has gotten worse. As a kid I had a lot of problems. After high school I went into the Navy, and for a while I was "normal." It was a new beginning and somehow I managed to fit in, even with the "cool people", although that usually took a lot of party beverages to pull off. After the military it's been a constant slide downhill (since '03).
I asked around and learned that there are some preliminary quizzes that can be taken online. I took a few of them and scored well into the area of "most likely." I also found that Asperger's could be genetic, and I learned that I have a cousin who is a Aspie and is unable to function on his own. I wondered why I was never diagnosed as a child, but found that Asperger's wasn't really a thing until '81, which happens to be my birth year, and I grew up in a backwoods where it was probably unheard of.
After finding Asperger's I feel like I have finally found a reason as to why I am the way I am. At the same time I don't think it will solve anything. I've always had problems with relationships and holding jobs. Luckily I finally found the person who accepts me for who I am, no questions asked (and I've been through some absolutely horrible relationships before this one), but holding down a steady job has become a real issue the past 10 years. I've had many issues with employment, mostly revolving around getting along with co-workers and management. It's not that I'm a bad employee, I've always done my job, usually surpassing others in job performance, it's getting along with others that causes problems. I've had jobs where other employees have tried to have me fired, both successfully and unsuccessfully (for no apparent reason), I've been asked to leave more than one job due to misunderstandings between myself and customers (the tone of voice comes into play here). I don't believe I've ever done anything deliberately to warrant this treatment, but I do know that I can't seem to stop myself from pointing things out, usually problems I notice with other people regarding their work quality and ethics. I'm often accused of being a know-it-all, and that I tend to "purposely" talk over people's heads (you'd be surprised the problems you can cause when you use words people aren't familiar with in every day conversation). I have problems finding work because I can't wrap my head around how to properly fill out an application or resume (selling myself), and the fact that the entire concept of the interview and hiring process just scares the piss out of me (meeting new people and unfamiliar places).
So I think I'm reaching out for some help here. I feel I need a professional opinion, but getting that is impossible right now. No work, no money. I don't know how to go about finding work that I can do without having these issues. Being 33 years old and having probably five years of unemployment in the past decade is very embarrassing, I just don't know how to fix it.
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