NCC
New Member
Hello,
I've always had a screwed up life, everyone seems to hate me. I've always known I'm an introvert and have social anxiety. I knew there was something else going on, but what? So, I finally took one of those online autism spectrum tests, just to see if it possibly could be that.
Well, I scored a 35 on it. I studied what AS is and it was me. It explained everything in my life, since childhood. It brought out a lot of mixed emotions. Some relief, to finally know why everything has always been misery to me. Then there's some anger. Because nobody ever suspected it. I've been told I'm standoffish and odd. I've always preferred my dreamworld over reality, which makes it tough to concentrate on the current task at hand. I feel very uncomfortable with eye contact. And I'm very socially awkward. I'm just awful at reading body language.
Even though, I have all the right things in my head to say, I come off wrong. People dismiss me as odd and feel a need to harass me. I've challenged probably half the shift I work at to step outside because of it. I realize this is a big overreaction to general teasing, which everyone seems endure. Normal people seem to relish this and laugh with one another. Me, I take it wrong and rage. I can't help it, I take everything so personal. I wish I didn't. I try to work at it. I seem to be doing better, then bam, I rage and want a fight. I wish I wasn't so screwed up.
All autism has done for me is to make me learn to hate. I prefer to be alone. With that said. I would trade every dollar I've ever made and all my possessions to be normal, to have a family and have some friends. That's not happening, my fate is sealed, my only escape is death. However, I'm not ready for that.
I've always had a screwed up life, everyone seems to hate me. I've always known I'm an introvert and have social anxiety. I knew there was something else going on, but what? So, I finally took one of those online autism spectrum tests, just to see if it possibly could be that.
Well, I scored a 35 on it. I studied what AS is and it was me. It explained everything in my life, since childhood. It brought out a lot of mixed emotions. Some relief, to finally know why everything has always been misery to me. Then there's some anger. Because nobody ever suspected it. I've been told I'm standoffish and odd. I've always preferred my dreamworld over reality, which makes it tough to concentrate on the current task at hand. I feel very uncomfortable with eye contact. And I'm very socially awkward. I'm just awful at reading body language.
Even though, I have all the right things in my head to say, I come off wrong. People dismiss me as odd and feel a need to harass me. I've challenged probably half the shift I work at to step outside because of it. I realize this is a big overreaction to general teasing, which everyone seems endure. Normal people seem to relish this and laugh with one another. Me, I take it wrong and rage. I can't help it, I take everything so personal. I wish I didn't. I try to work at it. I seem to be doing better, then bam, I rage and want a fight. I wish I wasn't so screwed up.
All autism has done for me is to make me learn to hate. I prefer to be alone. With that said. I would trade every dollar I've ever made and all my possessions to be normal, to have a family and have some friends. That's not happening, my fate is sealed, my only escape is death. However, I'm not ready for that.
