having second thoughts about being engaged to an aspie guy

[tapian]

Hi all I am really struggling right now. Havent been on here in awhile thought my relationship was pretty well in hand for a while and I was on the road to being happy but things have taken a turn for the worse...I have been feeling like I cant trust him lately and I know thats unusual for an aspie to be deceitful but i caught him in two lies to which he confessed to on the same night then today I feel like he lied again but cant prove it...I dont feel like I can trust him....they were all three as some people would call "white lies" but I dont believe there is such a thing. Liars always get caught eventually. I don't want to break up with him over it but I have been really torn because that amongst alot of things are coming up...it's like he thinks he thinks he has me hooked since I said yes so he is getting sloppy...what if he is a compulsive liar? Also the very rare affection that I used to get seems almost nonexistent now that we are engaged....shouldnt it be the opposite? He fell asleep the other night when we hadnt been alone in ages. This happens to me all the time. He is always tired and has no interest in intamcy with me unless I initiate

 

[Ereth]

Hello, Tapian:

I'm honestly stunned you've accepted his proposal since you said you were having so much trouble before. I strongly recommend couples counseling, and with someone who's aware of Asperger's if you can manage it.

 

[Daniel]

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship; I can't see a happy marriage coming out of this. I agree with Ereth--you two need help.

I recently went through a rough stretch in my marriage (appropriately, at the seven-year mark), and it felt like we were growing apart; I had abused my wife's trust in me, and the intimacy dried up... but I've been getting help and working through my issues.

I have been using this self-help website to get my head straight -- Break the Cycle at sfhelp.org. There are sections on relationships specifically, but the whole site is valuable. The aim is to help people heal their psychological wounds so they don't unknowingly pass their issues on to their children. That is probably what would happen if you married this guy, situation as it is, and you two started a family.

The premise of this site--when people are doing bad **** like compulsive lying, it's because they have untreated psychological wounds, and one part of their multifaceted self has to try to protect another wounded part. If he's lying, he's learned that from somewhere as a defense mechanism. It was in response to some sort of hurt, and he's trying to protect himself, even though the original injury is well in the past. He's got wounds, and you've probably got wounds too or else you wouldn't have been attracted to him.

Aspies probably feel emotional pain way more intensely than NTs, even if it doesn't look like that (I have parts of me that still have the emotions of a three-year-old). Personally, I feel like I've been selfish, especially when it comes to considering other people's feelings, but now that I'm helping my wounds heal, I can see that all along, my lack of regard for others was a product of not being able to deal with all the pain I'd been through--which I had never learned how to deal with. As long as I was in "self-defense" mode, I had ZERO ability to control myself, and I had to just shut everybody out and retreat into my head.

"I dont feel like I can trust him....they were all three as some people would call "white lies" but I dont believe there is such a thing. Liars always get caught eventually."

I know you don't want to break up with him over this, but there's a conflict in values here (honesty is very important to you), and it's compromising the trust and communication between you too. Values conflicts are relationship-killers. He's going to keep doing this behavior as long as it's paying off for him in the short-term. He needs to learn how important it is to you for him to (a) be completely truthful and (b) initiate intimacy. If he can't do these things, it will only hurt you to stay with him.

Anyway, I'd encourage you to check out sfhelp.org for yourself, so you can get a better idea of why you are in this relationship, and what's going on under the surface--with both of you.

Best part--it's free! A heck of a lot cheaper than counseling. But if you two can find (and afford) a good counselor to help you communicate better--go for it!

 

[Ste11aeres]

In perfect honesty, you seem to have so many doubts that I wouldn't recommend marriage.
One should get married when one knows with certainty that one wants to spend the rest of one's life with this person.
And the two people should make each other happy more often than they make each other unhappy. There should be more good moments than bad moments. (According to Dr John Gottman, the ration should be 5:1 )

 

[CupcakeQueen]

trust is an important part of a relationship and if you don't feel like you trust someone, i dont see a good marriage ever coming out of it. if you don't want to break up with him just over a few white lies id recommend getting counseling to address his lack of effort in the relationship. it is unacceptable to stop showing love to a partner the second theres a ring on their finger. your feeling that his sloppiness and dishonesty is starting to show now that he thinks he has you hooked could be correct, in which case id prolong the engagement period so you have more time to see his true colors before you actually marry him.

keep in mind....the fact that someone has aspergers shouldnt negate their responsibility to be the best partner they can. if enough time has passed and you still have doubts about trust, thats a good reason to break it off. don't feel bad for breaking up with him since he has asperger's...you've been understanding enough already. i hope you find some peace soon!

 

[Arashi222]

I agree with what most people are saying here that if you don't trust him then you either need to get couples counseling to work through it or break up with him. I know its hard but like Cupcake queen said just because he has Autism doesn't mean he gets a free pass however that also doesn't mean that it shouldn't be taken in to consideration when having a relationship. It seems that you have been having doubts for a while it might be time to talk to him about these doubts too find out where he is as well.

 

[Ereth]

A few things that I neglected to mention earlier:

Marriage will not "fix him." If that idea's in your head (and I'm not saying it is; just being cautious here), you need to get rid of it right now.

TALK TO HIM. With or without a counselor, you need to do this. He has to sit down with you and sort out all these issues. If he cares about you at all, he'll at least want to try, even if he's scared or unsure how to go about it.

I don't particularly like lying either, but there are some occasions where it's preferable to lie than to hurt someone's feelings. While it's possible to misuse "white lies," there is also such a thing as being too honest sometimes.

 

[nowwhat]

I've read and replied to your "foreplay" thread. (I'll click on thread titles like that every time), and I'm going to butt in and say that this whole thing sounds like a bad idea and you should cut and run. You were having the same sorts of issues with him previously, and there seems not only to be no progress, but a loss of yardage! Once a relationship is going in circles like this, it means you're near the drain. There is always bad stuff, but there should overwhelmingly be good things, especially in the beginning. Something that starts this badly and unsatisfactorily for you will be something you'll regret if you commit to it, I think. Much easier to get out of now, than later. Think hard about it. Sorry to be so biased, but there are others here to offer countering advice, and you should consider all you receive here, and elsewhere.

 

[Michael]

If you are already uncomfortable with the idea of marriage, before the marriage, I would at least put it on hold at a minimum. If it were me, I'd break it off completely. I have absolutely no tolerance for lies of any kind. I would never marry someone I couldn't trust.

Disclaimer: I am only saying what I would do. I don't like suggesting to people what to do, or giving advice though, because I don't want to feel responsible if someone follows what I say and it was the wrong decision.

 

[ZaphodsCloset]

I disagree with the others' advice that "you two" need help. I'd like to see *you* get support for understanding that you deserve *so* much better, and having faith that it's out there.

Clicked over to your foreplay thread, on ok_so_now_what's tip. This sounds like more than AS, to me. Whatever it is, it sounds soul-crushing for you. You're describing my ex husband, who was not on the spectrum. I hate myself for the years I wasted with him. PM me if you like.

 

[Ereth]

Just so you know, I'm not asking Tapian to be self-effacing, and I doubt anybody else is either. If she feels that this relationship won't go anywhere (and it really seems that way to me), then by all means, she should exit stage left. But if the two of them mean anything to each other at all, they should consider every option in seeking help together.

 

[Daniel]

I disagree with the others' advice that "you two" need help. I'd like to see *you* get support for understanding that you deserve *so* much better, and having faith that it's out there.

Clicked over to your foreplay thread, on ok_so_now_what's tip. This sounds like more than AS, to me. Whatever it is, it sounds soul-crushing for you. You're describing my ex husband, who was not on the spectrum. I hate myself for the years I wasted with him. PM me if you like.

I'd agree with the notion that *YOU* is the place to start!

Because:

Inside of us = within our control = where there are problems that we can address
Outside of us = not in our control = other people who aren't typically aren't even in control of themselves, and have to want to change for themselves and not for you

 

[ZaphodsCloset]

And part of what you can control/change about yourself is your choices in who you spend time with, share yourself with, give yourself to. And accepting that many people will never want to change, grow, behave any differently than whatever's easiest for them in this immediate moment.