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Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Alan tm, Nov 19, 2017.

  1. SnailPie

    SnailPie Member

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    Yeah...we tend to ramble a bit! ;) But you know, "The Devil is in the details!"

    My BF agrees with you on the hug thing. Unfortunately, it's sometimes necessary for me to feel better, not him. He doesn't have to understand it, nor agree with it. He's not the one who's hurting.
    When he is hurting, he can freely ask me for whatever it is I can give him that will make him feel better/loved. Mostly that's leaving him alone to work things out.

    This is one of the arguments we get into; he "disagrees with" things I say I want or need because they don't make sense to him. But they make sense to me, and there is no "proof" or right/wrong answer. I know myself better than he does, and I know enough to ask for what I need.

    All he needs to do is figure out whether or not he can give it to me. Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Then it's my job to understand that he loves me just the same.
    Sometimes he might be upset with me, or feeling very sensitive, and a hug is just something he can't do. It's not fake if he hugs me even if he doesn't "feel it" deep down at the moment; he does care for me.
    (It would be "fake" if he hugged me while really hating my guts and pretending to care, though!)

    But for him to say: "No, I won't hug you when you ask me to because it doesn't make sense to me that you need it" or just refuses to do it because he can't be interrupted from what fun things he's doing at the moment, that would really be detrimental to our relationship.

    Because if he's withholding something he is capable of doing simply because he thinks "knows better", that's destructive.

    That said, I would never ask him, or anyone, to do something that goes against their ethics or moral code. But if hugging me, someone he loves, is something so horrible that he will be harmed by doing it, then we're both with the wrong people...
     
  2. Alan tm

    Alan tm Well-Known Member

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    "The Devil is in the details!"

    She says that as well
     
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  3. Sid Delicious

    Sid Delicious Balloon animal safety control

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    "Being a female Aspie, I used to get in trouble for making practical suggestions as well. People tend to expect a woman to intuitively grasp when emotional support is asked, an intuition I lack."

    Yes! I have this issue constantly with people. They will explain something that is upsetting them and then when I try to offer a practical solution they either ignore it and continue telling me about the problem or they get annoyed and tell me I'm being insensitive or similar.

    Then on the rare occasion that I am annoyed or upset, it is always because I have a problem that I cannot find a solution to and need help. But no one will ever respond with practical advice. People just try to sympathise or tell you 'not to worry', which drives me absolutely nuts. So I tend not to ask anyone I know for advice these days.

    Humans are weird!
     
  4. Alan tm

    Alan tm Well-Known Member

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    I never have anyone able to help me with my problems.
    I tend to fix everyone else's
     
  5. Sid Delicious

    Sid Delicious Balloon animal safety control

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    We should start a Q&A area on the forum for practical help without any emotional input! :D
     
  6. Tobs

    Tobs Member

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    I was gonna say that. A cross road would allow for the option to keep going the way they are and resulting in no change. Analogies must fit!
     
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