my guess is, my former friends mental illness, whatever mental health crisis he is going through, he is incapable of rational thoughts at the moment. But yeah, since he dissapeared from my life again, i've rightfully so been depressed and in a bad mood and bitter and resentful a lot, he was a great friend.
If it is just mental health that is causing the distance between you, then maybe he is still a good friend...
You maybe should try to talk to him (or talk to him more) about this if you reconnect again. Maybe try to get a better understanding of how he is feeling; Of what is actually happening for him when he disappears?
Of course you would be sad, and upset, and angry; because you miss him so much, and it hurts so much being out of touch; It sucks for you that this is happening...it sounds truly heartbreaking.
But you seem to be taking his silence extremely personally....like he is doing this to you on purpose.
If it is truly just mental illness keeping him away from you...it may not actually be his fault, not something he can change...Meaning he isn't actually abandoning or neglecting you. Meaning he cannot help it.
For myself, understanding the pain of someone who has or is hurting me can counteract or even erase a lot of my own pain and bad feelings about or towards that person and/or whatever they have done/are doing that hurts me...my own personal aggrieved feelings get replaced partly or entirely by loving compassionate feelings and tender concern for the other person.
This may not work, and that is okay, it is just a suggestion and you are absolutely entitled to reject it.
But if you want to (and are able to also - I assume nothing; I am not you) try it, a further idea along these lines:
Can you maybe try to think about it the same way as you might if he was, say, in a coma from physical illness?
A coma you knew would end at some point..just you would not know when. And that, when it ended, you both knew might happen again, no matter what anyone does to prevent its reccurance?
Ultimately brains are part of the body...emotions and thoughts have physiological mechanisms. It would not be unreasonable to think about it exactly the same way you might think of a physical illness or injury causing a coma, or maybe just chronic exhaustion meaning he slept all the time -- or pain so severe he couldnt focus on anything ever and could barely speak let alone socialize...
I have had physical pain that bad btw...I spoke to almost nobody for about a year while that pain was out of control...I could barely speak when I had to call the doctor from time to time..I had never imagined pain could be so severe (and prior
to that pain, I had had major surgery, many broken and dislocated bones, and severe chronic migraines since childhood - some lasting months without a second of reprieve....so its not like I was a stranger to severe pain...); It was a previously unimagineable level of agony -- a person has to experience it personally to understand it...All I could do was try to not move except to go to the bathroom or take medicines, try to stay calm as I could, while mostly just silently weeping involuntary uncontrollable tears (not even from sadness or despair most of the time, I just shut down emotionally as an automatic survival mechanism -- I cried purely from pain, it was that extreme) and eventually wishing
every second I could just die...At one point my doctor told me [because I asked him about it...he was not keen on the idea but was honest] that I might qualify for medically assisted death because of that pain...Socializing was just out of the question - not possible.
I suspect there are types of mental/emotional pain that are equally severe to that physical pain I had. I haven't experienced them (at least ..not for long..very close maybe but not for so long, not with literally not even a second of relief/reprieve for such a long time, so I dont think ever quite that extreme), but my eyes are open now to just how much I don't know and never will unless I experience it...So it is not hard for me to believe such unimagineably severe and disabling psychological suffering could exist.
So...
If your friend actually was in a coma (or suffering an unimagineably painful and disabling physical illness) that you knew would probably end, but might recur....or even that you had no idea if it would ever end...would you feel exactly the same as you do now about the loss of social connection with him? Would you still feel as abandoned, would you blame him and/or still be mad at him?
There is no right or wrong answer. My questions are not rhetorical and you don't have any obligation to tell me your answers (or to think of answers at all).
I ask you this and make this suggestion not because I am judging your feelings as wrong or bad, not because I am saying you should or should not feel or think or believe any specific thing; Just suggesting a sort of thought experiment, in case looking at this differently might help you feel better....
I don't think it would make you miss him less of course, it would not make the hurt -- the feelings of loss and sadness, of grief really -- go away; But maybe it would take away the anger and bitterness and resentment? Those are very intense, awful feelings on top of the grief-feelings...I say this because I have felt them on top of grief myself (not in this particular kind of situation you have, but still interpersonal situations)...and for me, pure grief was easier (still awful but not as awful as grief plus anger, resentment and bitterness).
Maybe it would not change how you feel at all -- maybe everything I said just confuses you -- and that is okay. (Often when people suggest to me I could try to think about something differently I dont understand them at all and cannot even begin to try -- so again: no judgement towards you from me.)
Some validation for you, if thinking about your situation with your friend as I suggested is something you already do/have tried, or just would make no difference, or is impossible and I haven't made any sense:
It is a pretty normal thing for people to be angry at loved ones who have died...when nobody could have prevented the death, and everything was done to keep them alive, when the deceased person hung on as long as they could.
Please believe me that I am not trying to say your feelings are wrong. I am just sort of grasping at straws trying to think of any way to help you to feel better.
I hope your pain eases soon.
And I hope that the way it eases is by restoration of your friendship to something like it used to be...but whatever happens, I hope you can feel better and that your heart can heal. I am sorry you are suffering so much.
Also if I have just wildly, horribly misunderstood how you feel: I very sincerely apologize, and hope even if you cant forgive me that you can forget my message and just dismiss it as stupid and ignorant. (Seriously, you don't need some misjudging person coming along and making everything worse -- so if I am such a person, I really truly am sorry and hope you can dismiss me as an idiot who doesnt know what he is talking about.)
