Has anyone else gone through these "life cycles"

[TCJ]

1. Childhood - trying to fit in, and not. I still had friends, but I was always the crazy one (in an endearing way, but I could never relate and I did have people who just flat out thought I was annoying...**** even my friends thought that.

2. Young adult - genuinely not giving two ***** about what people thought, a bit of an ego problem. Lots of friends, but people thought I was a jerk*** but I made them feel insecure as a role reversal. None of this was intentional.

3. Now (i.e.The mixture) - this is truly the worst. I'm trying to balance being considerate of others so I part playthe chameleon, and I'm quite successful at it with just regular acquaintances, but it is harder with people I know more closely because no one can hold it back that long without an awkward moment or being too direct, plus they know me. Difference is, I'm trying to fit in not out of want, but out of fear that I'll hurt that persons feelings. I'm doing this while still being myself. I guess I feel like I make concessions and they make concessions

 

[Judge]

Difference is, I'm trying to fit in not out of want, but out of fear that I'll hurt that persons feelings. I'm doing this while still being myself. I guess I feel like I make concessions and they make concessions

From my perspective I think you are succeeding if you are making such concessions yet still able to retain a sense of your own "self". Not to mention that they are making concessions as well. What more can you really ask for?

That was usually my downfall in all my failed relationships when I no longer felt I was myself, but rather a person made up of nothing but one-way compromises. Of course at the time I had utterly no idea that I was autistic. Eventually I'd bail or my g/f would bail because I couldn't hide my unhappiness which I always avoided discussing.

 

[TCJ]

I'm not succeeding with my mother. She gives me no breaks. Though it isn't her intention. I'm mostly the fake me around her.

 

[Judge]

I'm not succeeding with my mother. She gives me no breaks. Though it isn't her intention. I'm mostly the fake me around her.

I can fake NT behavior to some degree, but it's always mentally and emotionally draining on me. Requires me to shutdown and recover...

 

[TCJ]

I can fake NT behavior to some degree, but it's always mentally and emotionally draining on me. Requires me to shutdown and recover...

What is NT behavior?

 

[Judge]

What is NT behavior?

Neurotypicals....non-autistic folk. The source of all that "compromise".

 

[GallacticGorilla]

That is interesting. if i had to break it up mine would go something like this.

Stage 1 3-14 years old- Socially akward, felt like an alien, had a hard time understanding formalities. Really short attention span ( mostly because I need things to get to the point) Over a few years I was placed in both the gifted class, and the dumb dumb class ( i dont know what you call it, like special need class or soemthing) I also had some really severe dillusions like i was in the Truman show and everyone was watching me. Some of this was exacerbated by an abusive step father.

Stage 2 14-18 years old. Aloof, but had friends and a social life. I think that i had to try much harder to fight my AS symptoms, and force myself to be normal, and interact with people in a non-awkward way, social interaction was sort of forced, like Im conciously trying here. Its not natural to me to be social like it is for others..

Stage 3 18-23 This was a great time in my life, but i didnt realize it so much at the time. I had some carrer success, I had an interesting rag tag froup of friends, and a couple close good friends,

Stage 4 23-31 Some highs and lows, but really started isolating myself from social interaction. I had a few close friends, but spent alot of time alone. Had some interesting obsessions during this time though.

Stage 5 31- years old- present- finally diagnosed with AS ( i had suspicious I had had it for years, but it seemed too extreme, as I was very high functioning, and I didn't realize that AS can be totally functional in society) Things go a bit smoother now that i understand myself better. I am more mindful about what i need to do to have minimal discomfort with my AS

 

[tlc]

From my perspective I think you are succeeding if you are making such concessions yet still able to retain a sense of your own "self". Not to mention that they are making concessions as well. What more can you really ask for?

That was usually my downfall in all my failed relationships when I no longer felt I was myself, but rather a person made up of nothing but one-way compromises. Of course at the time I had utterly no idea that I was autistic. Eventually I'd bail or my g/f would bail because I couldn't hide my unhappiness which I always avoided discussing.

Yes it's always been that way for me. Except I wouldn't be the one to bail. Things were fine as long as I continually compromised myself, but once I spoke up about anything, she would bail. Yes I had absolutely no idea I might be autistic either until just recently. Many years ago I used to describe myself to others as "mildly autistic", but just to give a general idea based on what I had heard and without doing any actual research on the subject.

For me, maybe 1-6 I was a techhead but still innocently happy. 7-18 was always a struggle to fit in but I managed to get by and just resorted to my little hole all the time. 19-22 was my dark time of depression, finally giving up that I'd ever fit in, fueled by the fact that I was too old for teen stuff but too young for adult stuff that always involved the alcohol I didn't want anyway. 22- say 32 I moved a good distance away, got the house and job I have now, and had the hopes for a happy family but wouldn't know what to do if I had it anyway. About 33 I gave up and let the 2nd marriage run its course till she left. 36-? I'm completely burned out, no more. Been 11 years since splitting with my daughter's mom, 5 more till she's 18. So 43-? I'm seriously considering moving far away where nobody can find me unless I want them to.

 

[Turk]

I can fake NT behavior to some degree, but it's always mentally and emotionally draining on me. Requires me to shutdown and recover...

Being married for as long as I have, Ive managed to fake being an NT longer than most. Sometimes I wonder if the cost doesnt outweigh the prize. And that comes in the form of lost identify, of which I have lost much.

 

[Spinning Compass]

I totally get it about the fakery and having to recover. It can be very emotionally and physically draining. Especially when you are bombarded with messages to "be yourself." "Why do you feel you have to fake?" is a question that gets asked all the time. People just don't get it. They don't understand that when we do let the mask slip (break character as they say in theater) we experience all kinds of "microaggressions" and other slights.

It's like saying to someone who is gay that they can come out of the closet and be accepted, except that they can't display any gay behavior, they can't express emotion towards someone of the same sex. And when they complain they are accused of pushing their agenda on the world.

I have learned in my nearly 60 years of life that some beliefs and views are just too hot to handle and can spark open hostility. People can say the meanest, most hurtful things about others if they think that everyone around them shares their views. They don't realize (or maybe they do) that they are sending up signals that that kind of person is not welcome here.

 

[Spinosaurus kin]

My stages

Up to 5 -> no noticeable differences. I am sure I watched a huge amount of child's TV and tried to interact with people in that way.

5-11 -> I was the "gifted" child in my school. They hated that. I had a problem with authority, even at that age, and was the only atheist in a strong Christian school. But my weirdness was written off as quirky purely because I was clever.

11-13 -> SEVERE psychological bullying from the kids in my grammar school. I was now on a level playing field of intelligence, and so my weirdness started to really show, and my lack of social skills meant I was unable to deal with the bullying, even to the extent to that my "friends" started to join in. I had several meltdowns that were written off as a reaction to the bullying, and I got in a few free punches in the process. I wonder if the teachers suspected...

13-15 -> Did not give a flying **** about what anybody said or did. My skin had been thickened by the bullying. Not in a good way either. I was angry, had little care for anyone and just tried to do what I came to school to do, learn. I made a friend though, who I found had AS, and informally diagnosed me a long time before I actually knew what it was.

15-16 -> due to my communication issues, my GCSE exam build-up was by no means painless. I was screamed at by my parents, and even locked out of the house at times. I went into a stage of clinical depression, of which my uncaring parents just wrote off as being a lazy teenager. I became irritable, I hated everything and thought about suicide way too much. High doses of painkillers were at an arm's reach, but luckily i didn't know the lethal dosage and so decided it probably wouldn't have worked.

16-now -> I have kind of grown up, emotionally and intellectually. I have self-diagnosed in that time, and now seriously want to convince my mother to let me go further down the road.
I can be really insensitive and irritable at times, and deadly tired. My attention span has always been bad, but I am finding it harder and harder to keep focus. School is getting difficult at times as well, with the need for explanation so detrimental to most exams and now, seven weeks away from my AS, I am probably going to completely ruin my prospects of getting into any university, or any form of higher education because I can't concentrate on the lessons or explain anything in an exam.
Keeping myself just above the metaphorical water of depression. Lacking desire for fun at times, and general attention span and energy decreasing. Medicating energy levels with sugar and caffeine. Not as effective as I would like.

 

[GallacticGorilla]

I can only focus on things i give a crap about, just like I will only give respect to authority figures that talk to me respectfully, if they talk down to me, i will not engage them. You sound a little like me.

You cant focus because your focus is in the clouds, analyzing and thinking about random little obsessive things and the like. Your brain wants to pick apart the answers to questions about life, not algebra.

This might be awful advice, as head shrinking pills have pros and cons and it is not a decision to take lightly, but....BUT, Some pills have helped as far as having AS and being kinda spacey and aloof, and not being able to focus on the crap you NEED to get done to succeed in life.

I used to hate them because they kind of flatten my personality and they do kind of stop my random intellectual thought wondering, but that doesn't matter as much any more, because sometimes in life you need to "DO WORK". Trust me, if you see the world differently than everyone else, that can have its advantages. If you have the intillectual wherewithal to be successful, and it sounds like you do. Go for it dude.

 

[GallacticGorilla]

My stages

Up to 5 -> no noticeable differences. I am sure I watched a huge amount of child's TV and tried to interact with people in that way.

5-11 -> I was the "gifted" child in my school. They hated that. I had a problem with authority, even at that age, and was the only atheist in a strong Christian school. But my weirdness was written off as quirky purely because I was clever.

11-13 -> SEVERE psychological bullying from the kids in my grammar school. I was now on a level playing field of intelligence, and so my weirdness started to really show, and my lack of social skills meant I was unable to deal with the bullying, even to the extent to that my "friends" started to join in. I had several meltdowns that were written off as a reaction to the bullying, and I got in a few free punches in the process. I wonder if the teachers suspected...

13-15 -> Did not give a flying **** about what anybody said or did. My skin had been thickened by the bullying. Not in a good way either. I was angry, had little care for anyone and just tried to do what I came to school to do, learn. I made a friend though, who I found had AS, and informally diagnosed me a long time before I actually knew what it was.

15-16 -> due to my communication issues, my GCSE exam build-up was by no means painless. I was screamed at by my parents, and even locked out of the house at times. I went into a stage of clinical depression, of which my uncaring parents just wrote off as being a lazy teenager. I became irritable, I hated everything and thought about suicide way too much. High doses of painkillers were at an arm's reach, but luckily i didn't know the lethal dosage and so decided it probably wouldn't have worked.

16-now -> I have kind of grown up, emotionally and intellectually. I have self-diagnosed in that time, and now seriously want to convince my mother to let me go further down the road.
I can be really insensitive and irritable at times, and deadly tired. My attention span has always been bad, but I am finding it harder and harder to keep focus. School is getting difficult at times as well, with the need for explanation so detrimental to most exams and now, seven weeks away from my AS, I am probably going to completely ruin my prospects of getting into any university, or any form of higher education because I can't concentrate on the lessons or explain anything in an exam.
Keeping myself just above the metaphorical water of depression. Lacking desire for fun at times, and general attention span and energy decreasing. Medicating energy levels with sugar and caffeine. Not as effective as I would like.

 

[Spinosaurus kin]

I can only focus on things i give a crap about, just like I will only give respect to authority figures that talk to me respectfully, if they talk down to me, i will not engage them. You sound a little like me.

You cant focus because your focus is in the clouds, analyzing and thinking about random little obsessive things and the like. Your brain wants to pick apart the answers to questions about life, not algebra.

This might be awful advice, as head shrinking pills have pros and cons and it is not a decision to take lightly, but....BUT, Some pills have helped as far as having AS and being kinda spacey and aloof, and not being able to focus on the crap you NEED to get done to succeed in life.

I used to hate them because they kind of flatten my personality and they do kind of stop my random intellectual thought wondering, but that doesn't matter as much any more, because sometimes in life you need to "DO WORK". Trust me, if you see the world differently than everyone else, that can have its advantages. If you have the intillectual wherewithal to be successful, and it sounds like you do. Go for it dude.

Oh I can do algebra. Child's play when I can just get given some mathematical equations and just focus on the process. That is when I am in complete bliss.
My problem lies in the fact that I can't get to that pure mechanical problem solving awesomeness when I am tired. I start to make mistakes and stuff. But I am not sure if drugs are the best option. My family has had a... colourful reaction to antidepressants and the like, so that route scares me deeply.
If you'd seen my mother on antidepressants, you would know why I am scared to touch them.
If you are talking about mind flattening drugs though, I am not sure if that would help. My mind is the only thing I really have, and I am not sure if it would just fill one problem with another.