Hard Time Refusing People

[KevinMao133]

Life is going great but there is one problem

Scratch that, life is mediocre and there is one problem…

I do not know how to talk to people. Rather, I do not know how to say no

Even though my mind already made up results and have answers already, I flat out do not know how to say it out loud

Like I know I’m going to answer with a no but if someone comes ask me, I’m afraid to say no. I worry about it

 

[Raggamuffin]

I'm a "yes man" too. It's hard to say no, and when I do - I feel a lot of guilt.

Stems back to childhood. Gaslighting from parents whenever I tried to stand up for myself. Happens to this day with them. Same goes for a lot of people I dated.

Also - people pleasing and being the helpful person. I realised this was a way to fit in. People like the person who helps. But you can end up giving so much you take from yourself.

Then you run the risk of feeling empty, used, or burnt out.

Saying no is attached to self-worth and confidence I suppose. The less certain we feel in ourselves, perhaps the more likely we will be to people please in order to prevent friction/conflict.

Look up the Fawn Response - see if it rings true to you.

Practice makes perfect I guess. I'm happy to say "no" to people I'm comfortable around. Gaslighting or not, at least I tell those closest to me when I'm not willing to do something. But for the general public and acquaintances - I seem to pander to these people.

Ed

 

[Judge]

It depends. People I know and am familiar with can be both easier or more difficult to deal with as opposed to complete strangers. Around the age of 18 I resolved not to allow anyone to "put me on the spot" if I could help it. At times it can be uncomfortable, but whatever remorse I may have is much more fleeting than allowing someone to take something from me based on greed or false pretenses.

Recently I had someone approach me for something before I could even completely exit my car. A very weird experience in that it instantly made me very angry, and I gruffly replied to the person in an uncommon language to "go away". She walked away.

 

[clg114]

I am not good at saying no ether. I have been a equipment service tech my whole life. Over the years, I have been asked to work on stuff that I am not qualified to work on (Ask that wierd, old, smart guy. He will fix it.) These are the times that I should say no, but these projects always sound interesting, so I almost always give them a shot. They are almost always very time consuming, so I get behind on my regular work. Now that I am retired, it is better.

 

[SusanLR]

It's always been hard for me to say No.
Not so much out of eagerness to help, but, rather the feeling it might start a conflict.
Sometimes it is just because I want to fit in.
It is an uncomfortable feeling of being put on the spot. Unless I am in a bad mood.
Then I might not care.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Life is going great but there is one problem

Scratch that, life is mediocre and there is one problem…

I do not know how to talk to people. Rather, I do not know how to say no

Even though my mind already made up results and have answers already, I flat out do not know how to say it out loud

Like I know I’m going to answer with a no but if someone comes ask me, I’m afraid to say no. I worry about it

I find it hard to say "no"
I find it hard to find responses to people quick enough.
It's about personal boundaries and I lacked the clarity, insight and awareness to know, when someone was behaving wrongly, for example, at 21 I had to ask someone else if it was ok for my mother to come in my bedroom without knocking, as she had a go at me for asking her to knock.
Of course my Dad knocked, being a male, not wanting to see his daughter half dressed would have embarrassed him.
Look up information on personal boundaries, and have some readymade responses.

 

[Matthias]

It's hard to say "no" at first but the more you do it the easier it gets.