Voltaic
Darth Binks is real.
Weird title right? Well over the past three or four weeks I have been really anxious about having a meltdown then a relapse. I have had good periods before this, and all up until this point have relapsed back into sever depression. God, the amount of times that I thought, I think I got a grip on things now, when I didn't drove my fear of relapse into my core. Sometimes I can have meltdowns that are caused by the anxiety of having a meltdown. Got to love you, brain, you messed but beautiful piece of... Anyways, I was thinking about where I am mentally right at that moment, in a up-cycle. I came to the conclusion that my up cycles where just a less sever forum of depression. I still struggle day to day, still isolate myself, still have little motivation, and all the other bad stuff. Down cycles are just complete shutdown mode. Thinking about depression made me more depressed, who could have guessed.
My thoughts spiraled downwards, and I was pretty much in full relapse mode. Around two weeks ago this would have escalated far downwards. Suicide was in the plans. The thing is, after an hour, i was more or less back to normal levels.
This is huge for me. These relapses that I was scared half to death about, passed over like nothing. Where a few weeks ago it would have crippled me, but now it affects me almost like nothing comparatively. Maybe things are getting better, faster than I thought. I don't have to be so scared of every little stress that used to make me relapse. I am cautiously optimistic. I don't think I am at the point where I can take on the world, but in terms of rehabilitation, this is a huge step.
The original reason why I went 'reactor four' in the first place was becuase of a problem that i put into light. It is still a big scary concept, that at first seemed unformidiable, now is just more knowledge in my arsonal to progress the regime of self improvement.
This day went from okay, to kinda crappy, to 'exstance is pain, then finally to a comfortable night with some hot chocolate on the couch, filled with hope. I hope your day reached a similar conclusion without the backbreaking emotional rollercoaster.
My thoughts spiraled downwards, and I was pretty much in full relapse mode. Around two weeks ago this would have escalated far downwards. Suicide was in the plans. The thing is, after an hour, i was more or less back to normal levels.
This is huge for me. These relapses that I was scared half to death about, passed over like nothing. Where a few weeks ago it would have crippled me, but now it affects me almost like nothing comparatively. Maybe things are getting better, faster than I thought. I don't have to be so scared of every little stress that used to make me relapse. I am cautiously optimistic. I don't think I am at the point where I can take on the world, but in terms of rehabilitation, this is a huge step.
The original reason why I went 'reactor four' in the first place was becuase of a problem that i put into light. It is still a big scary concept, that at first seemed unformidiable, now is just more knowledge in my arsonal to progress the regime of self improvement.
This day went from okay, to kinda crappy, to 'exstance is pain, then finally to a comfortable night with some hot chocolate on the couch, filled with hope. I hope your day reached a similar conclusion without the backbreaking emotional rollercoaster.
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