H0W TO GET BEYOND THESE TYPES OF REPLIES (ONLINE DATING)

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

Ok so here are some of my messages that I’ve sent out to women I’m interested in on POF (plenty of fish) which have had some partial success to a degree (in that I’ve got some thankful responses).
However if you scroll through the messages you’ll see what I sent and what I was replied with (when someone replied, THough one or two aren't included) and I just want to see if there’s any further advice or comments people could offer as that’s as far it’s it’s getting thus far, Thanks

 

[tree]

Looking at these communications strictly as as art form, I'd say they could be improved by simplicity.
A smaller remark can make a bigger effect.
Some hedging & explaining/over-explaining can be clumsy = cute & appealing.
Too much hedging & explaining muddies the look.

I felt negativity in the one dangling the-don't-you-dare-say-the secret-word or 'I will block you.'
If there is a topic she doesn't want put forth, why be a siren about it? She seems to be trying
to tempt people with her provocative remark. That isn't a fun way to play, I think. Insecure, at best.

To invite further correspondence, try using the conversational hook.
Ask a question that requires something beyond a yes or no response.
How difficult would that be?

(lol Yes. That was an example. AND a real question.)

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

A smaller remark can make a bigger effect.
Some hedging & explaining/over-explaining can be clumsy = cute & appealing.
Too much hedging & explaining muddies the look.

felt negativity in the one dangling the-don't-you-dare-say-the secret-word or 'I will block you.'
If there is a topic she doesn't want put forth, why be a siren about it? She seems to be trying
to tempt people with her provocative remark. That isn't a fun way to play, I think. Insecure, at best.

To invite further correspondence, try using the conversational hook.
Ask a question that requires something than a yes or no response.

I get the first couple of sentences.

Ironically the girl with the profile you're talking about is the one I was (up until a few hours ago) talking to a fair bit after originally posting this, she even sent me a voice message. I think it's just that some do or are afraid of creeeps looking for 'sex' etc, which are probably the words she'll block someone for using. Beautiful women (like her) aren't allowed to be wrong you know lol .

Was I not already using conversational hooks anyway lol?

 

[tree]

I don't doubt that the girl who has the secret topic & promises to block is one who was talking. That is her angle. Her talking point. A thing she offers as a point of interest. Hmmm, says a fellow to himself, "I'm not the kind of schmuck that would deliberately offend a girl. I will show that I am a decent sort."

No, I don't know that beautiful women aren't allowed to be wrong.
I do know from studies I have read that people who are considered 'beautiful' are less likely to be thought
guilty of inappropriate behavior than are people of average looks.

"Was I not already using conversational hooks anyway..."
To some extent, yes.
These are good examples.
#6. "How did you get into modeling then?"
#8. "What do you want in life?"
8a. "What kinda films float your boat?"
#7. "Tell me more about what being interested in criminology means to you."

I am imagining myself reading these approaches and noting my reaction to them.
That's what I have. I have myself and my thoughts to draw on.

I would feel put off by a person who tells me I look so beautiful that he doesn't expect a response.
Focusing on my looks or makeup-- that makes me feel that I am being regarded as an object.
I feel uncomfortable about anyone who says there is a "connection." I'd rather hear a concrete example
that shows the idea.

If I were trying to get these girls & women to talk to me, I would ask leading questions
from a sincere wish to know about the things they do, things they are interested in.
Some parallels are good, like sharing that you also have/do the same things, if that is true.

Metaphor & simile can be tricky.
My response to a compliment from one guy was to be repelled when he
artfully described me as a perfect steak dinner(his idea of the world's supreme meal)
and how much he wanted to get involved with that. Not only was his stance to objectify me, but
to consider me prey. No thanks.

Some of the 'what to say' would be pared down, it seems like, if the place you "meet"
focused more clearly on interests, rather than the aim of "meeting" to 'get to know' and
possibly transact socially. Not every dating site does much 'matchmaking' so people
try to do the best they can.

 

[tachyon]

Metaphor & simile can be tricky.
My response to a compliment from one guy was to be repelled when he
artfully described me as a perfect steak dinner(his idea of the world's supreme meal)
and how much he wanted to get involved with that. Not only was his stance to objectify me, but
to consider me prey. No thanks.

Very sad

 

[Slithytoves]

Tree is giving you good pointers. You definitely need to be asking questions that invite full responses. I've noticed that Aspie guys aren't the best at asking questions, even if they're good listeners and are interested to know about someone. Harrison (met here) told me early on that he prefers to just hear what I have to say rather than coming up with something to ask. But questions are essential in this particular type of communication to build rapport and keep things moving.

Keep in mind that women tend to get a lot more attention on dating sites than men do. Men know they're traditionally expected to take the lead, and if a guy joins a dating site, he's usually ready to actively go on the hunt. Women are more likely to join and just wait for good responses. The result is that women get much more mail than men do. Women also have to be more careful, for obvious reasons. They may wait longer than you'd like to feel sure they want to really talk to you. The right questions will not only show them you're genuinely interested in learning about them, but it will also give them early clues that you're one of the good guys.

A general tip: The worst strategy that too many guys use on dating sites is the "clever and flirty" approach. That can come off as obnoxious and trying too hard, and "flirty" isn't really necessary because everyone you write to already knows why you're there. Curious and polite are your best bets to start with, with a little bit of humor mixed in. Another rule of thumb is that your communications should match the way you described yourself in your profile. Women expect men to have overstated the qualities they think will appeal to a female, so a guy who is consistent to his profile is refreshing.

 

[tachyon]

Men know they're traditionally expected to take the lead, and if a guy joins a dating site, he's usually ready to actively go on the hunt.

While I agree with that in the general context, I think that aspie guys (girls ??) have probably been beaten-up a few times in dating situations & tend to be a little cautious (I remember quite a few ).
As for on-line dating, I find it it a bit strange, despite being very computer literate (but a social-media moron). I did try it one time, but found it way too unnatural to continue.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

Harrison (met here) told me early on that he prefers to just hear what I have to say rather than coming up with something to ask. But questions are essential in this particular type of communication to build rapport and keep things moving.

Like so many other aspies (who make me seem like an aspie and them an NT so often) he seems like a sensible kinda guy, but for many years now I've had issues with relying on other people to do anything in regards to communication so I'm always kinda relied on to do this (online dating is no different, actually it's much worse, if I don't talk to the girl then she'll never reply or resume a conversation she allowed to go flat).

Women also have to be more careful, for obvious reasons. They may wait longer than you'd like to feel sure they want to really talk to you. The right questions will not only show them you're genuinely interested in learning about them, but it will also give them early clues that you're one of the good guys.

I'm both releived and annoyed when I hear this (knowing it's probably true) as it inadvertently gives that orginally larger part of me that hated and resented love par for it's cause as to why I had no business relating to a woman if this is what I had to put up with. On the other hand it's the foundation of my difficulties supported further in so many ways by me being me (and having worsened in such ways over the last 8yrs or so).

As for on-line dating, I find it it a bit strange, despite being very computer literate (but a social-media moron). I did try it one time, but found it way too unnatural to continue.

And this'll bring me to next weeks question/thread on how the hell people who have aspergers could've so easily found love (especially withoput online dating without which I'd never have bothered trying, yet I (despite hating/avoiding it until I needed it in recent years) need so much information spoon fed to me. How NT girls can like aspies (or perhaps it's just an american thing) is beyond me.