Going Nowhere

[Marcipan]

So my friend is in the spectrum, and I try really hard to understand her. I admit that I'm no Saint, I can't understand every aspect of being in the spectrum since I am not one myself. I do not believe that folks in the spectrum are less capable or less compassionate, less anything. I do believe that it makes it hard to communicate with my best friend and we've been friends for 17 years.

There's no way in hell I'm ever going to give up on that. But sometimes... It feels very overwhelming and confusing. Is it because she's in the spectrum? I'd ask myself, or if it's me, who cannot use the right words to communicate with her?
So, my answer? Repeat myself. Sometimes it doesn't work, sometimes it does. But don't get me wrong, it could also be because I live in a family of Asians that constantly repeats until it's drilled to your head. Like I said, I'm not perfect. So I'm working on it.
Let's call this friend Apple for simplicity sake. So when Apple gets frustrated with me and tells me, "listen stop repeating yourself, there's no point talking about this anymore what's done is done." I literally will not say a word until she does.
I do it to everyone, honestly. Because I know what's wrong with me and I know to work on it.
With last night's argument, shall we say, she asked me to stop. And I did. There was even a full 30 seconds of silence.
Then she asked, "you get where I'm coming from, though, right?"
And no, I did not lie. I just repeated what I said earlier. Hey, she asked. So I repeated.
She then said, "fine, I guess I'm just dumb then and I can't do anything right".

She does this. Every. Single. Time. It drives me nuts. On previous arguments that this exact line she says I would tell her, "No I don't think you're dumb," any basis covered? Loads. Any way this conversation went, it went there. And she would not listen. She'd say, "it's all in your tone of voice."
Note I wasn't ever sarcastic with my replies I would actually literally tell her to her face, "I don't think you're dumb, I think we keep misunderstanding each other". And queue, she would repeat herself again. Which is ironic because she's got issues with me repeating myself.
So last night, I didn't even bother. I walked away. The moment she had that condescending voice of, "fine I guess I'm dumb and I can't do anything right" charade, I walked away. And she flipped out and started banging **** and said awful stuff and me, never a Saint traded blows

It's so hard to fix this! I'm getting so frustrated! Whatever I tell her to her face exactly what I'm thinking in my mind, no lie, no ********, she'd say "that's not what you meant it's in the tone of your voice." she literally does not listen. Help! I don't know what to do! Being straightforward doesn't work!

And walking away is fine and all, but the next day when you talk about it, or even the next week, she can't remember what we argued about she can't remember who said what. So what is there to do? We tried chatting online but it is the same equivalent as talking in person as I've described before.
I'm so sorry for ranting. I just think we're really really stuck in a rut and it can't stay like this.

 

[Tom]

I think you both could learn a few things about the communications process. Yes you are both in ruts. I suggest finding a book on it. I would expect you would find it illuminating. If you did and couldn't get her to read it then you could show her by demonstrating it yourself.

 

[Shonda]

I think you may need to explore where the misunderstandings are arising. If one person says, "I don't understand" the other person should ask "well, what part was not clear."

Saying things such as, "I guess I'm just stupid and cannot get it" is a closed form of communication, which does not allow for effective conversations. No points will be made.

 

[Major Tom]

Maybe in times like that try switching subjects and saving what you wanted to say for later, when your friend may be more receptive. I personally hate it when people try to drive their thoughts into my brain like a pole barn spike. When I am in a situation like that I will shutdown, or if I get pushed hard enough I will straight up melt down. Like it seems your friend did when you were mentioning the fist fight you got into. Sometimes with us its better to completely drop the subject rather than seeing us have a violent meltdown.

 

[Marcipan]

Maybe in times like that try switching subjects and saving what you wanted to say for later, when your friend may be more receptive. I personally hate it when people try to drive their thoughts into my brain like a pole barn spike. When I am in a situation like that I will shutdown, or if I get pushed hard enough I will straight up melt down. Like it seems your friend did when you were mentioning the fist fight you got into. Sometimes with us its better to completely drop the subject rather than seeing us have a violent meltdown.

Oh sorry for the misunderstanding I was talking figurately about trading blows, I meant it as a verbal fight. We've never actually physically hurt each other, it was just nasty catty verbal assaults which can be quite hurtful.

As I've said earlier when we save things for later, the details are gone from her. She doesn't remember what was said and done, and any form of conversation and points that needs to be repaired wouldn't hold water. She couldn't remember what I've said and vice versa, to a point she won't even believe me. I had people who were there (we have room mates), tell her that backed up what I said. And she'd reply with, "I don't remember the reason why I said that." So it goes nowhere.
I tried to walk away when she became condescending, and like I said, she kept on going. I honestly had tried different things; from trying to talk to her calmly during, or talking to her after, and the most recent, walking away. I just have no clue how to solve this.

 

[Marcipan]

Bump. Are there any suggestions out there? If I don't get a reply within a week I won't be bumping again as to avoid being a pain lol. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

 

[tree]

Bump. Are there any suggestions out there? If I don't get a reply within a week I won't be bumping again as to avoid being a pain lol. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

I think you misunderstand the attention span of this forum.
It's not necessary to say "bump" when you want to post
and there have been no replies for a few days, or weeks,
or for that matter, months.

This thread is less than a week old.

You mention that your friend says it's not so much what you say,
as how you say it/the tone of your voice.

Can she demonstrate/mimic the tone that bothers her?
Have you asked her to do that?
Or to describe the tone she hears?

 

[Marcipan]

I think you misunderstand the attention span of this forum.
It's not necessary to say "bump" when you want to post
and there have been no replies for a few days, or weeks,
or for that matter, months.

This thread is less than a week old.

You mention that your friend says it's not so much what you say,
as how you say it/the tone of your voice.

Can she demonstrate/mimic the tone that bothers her?
Have you asked her to do that?
Or to describe the tone she hears?

She does describe what tone she is taking from what I've said, and I would actually tell her to her face that "I do not feel that way, I feel sad/angry/annoyed". Not necessarily those emotions, but those are just examples. I would actually tell her what I'm feeling, and she would say, "no it's not, because your tone of voice doesn't sound like it."

Which makes absolutely no sense, she is asking me to clarify how I feel, and I literally tell her verbally, as straight as I can without beating around the bush.

And it makes a HUGE problem when, on the flip side of a coin, when she gets confused, I ask her why, she asks, "I don't understand, because I'm not very good at reading people."

So then I get confused and wonder... If she's not good at reading people... Then how come she insists that she knows how to read my tone of voice...? Regardless what I say to her very plainly how I feel, she insists on it. Even though it's already known from previous experience that she's not good at reading people to begin with? So why? I just don't understand and it's feeling really one way between the two of us.

Basically, I feel like I'm trying to meet her halfway but she wants me to go to her all the way through. It's getting way too confusing. I'm sorry for babbling.

 

[Gracey]

You're not babbling

You both sound frustrated with each other.

Take some space and go over what happened in your mind, what you would like to happen next and how you would hope to achieve it.

How do you think you and your friend can move forward?

 

[Marcipan]

You're not babbling

You both sound frustrated with each other.

Take some space and go over what happened in your mind, what you would like to happen next and how you would hope to achieve it.

How do you think you and your friend can move forward?

We've been friends for 16 years and these patterns are consistent to a point that I have no clue how to solve it. I've tried walking away, leaving it on the table to discuss later, discussing it then and there. Several different patterns.

What I'm hoping for is that she tries to understand where I'm coming from as well. Because i have tried so hard to understand her, and I always acknowledged that she has a hard time understanding interactions like others do. So as a result I am always direct with her, because from what I can understand being direct and precise is the best way to communicate. But it isn't working. If being direct and being subtle doesn't work, then what does?

I would like her to try and understand as much as I have been trying hard to understand. I want to be met halfway. I know aspergers can make it really tough to communicate and use the right words. But there are two people in a friendship it cannot always just go one way. I guess that's what I want from her, instead of her insisting what I'm thinking and feeling.

Oh and also, when I tell her I want space she gets upset even if I explain to her that I just need the space on my own time. And then she said maybe she should move out so we can spend more time together when she leaves. I don't even know.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Have you tried expressing your issues with her in writing? Not blaming her, that will only make her more defensive , but asking her what do you need to do differently for her to accept your feelings as you describe them?

 

[Marcipan]

Yes, we have tried chatting online. The results are... Not so good. I type too fast... And she reads only the last sentence I send.