For Those Dating Aspies and Can't Let Go

[OkRad]

I am sad to see all the people coming in and having such a hard time letting aspies go . I am wondering if we can give tips.

What do we do that is different?

How can we tell the people on here how to maybe move on?

It scares me that we have the potential to hurt people. Is it because they are moving on their own brains, trying to understand us? Is it because we feel deeply and we care??

I know what it feels like on the other end, too because I also dated an aspie and it was impossible to let go because the in /out thing. But I never did that.

Just thought I would throw this out there. I don't want to hurt anyone and don't want to be hurt, either. But I dno't know why NTs have such a trouble moving on.

 

[Elizabeth]

I don't think there are easy answers for that. Every situation is different and, due to my particular situation, I feel like I could write a book on this subject.

Trying my hardest to summarize, and knowingly not giving great responses because of that:

One possibility: finding a relationship that may not be purely based in sexuality is very desirable to many people. Letting go of that and going back to the "meat market" of dating feels horrible.

Another: misinterpreting the "dislike" of loud sounds, common dislike of textures and dislike of awkward social interaction may feel like "fixable" problems that are mutual and could be easily overcome together.

Another may be feeling like not working out "simple problems" is giving up on someone too soon - the vast experience of social anxiety, I believe, is widely confused with actual AS particulars.

There are many reasons...

But desperately clinging to falsely perceived ideals would be my GENERAL best guess.

 

[Ocarina]

I wonder if it's because dating an Aspie is confusing for an NT and full of contradictions. Because communication is by definition an issue, the NT partner can end up feeling confused and as if they need to work things out, clinging to possibilities of change, getting stuck on a rollercoaster which makes it very difficult to walk away.

Aspies are - in my experience, often contradictory - warm and then cold, close and then distant and I think this may produce a push pull dynamic in some situations which again causes the poor bemused partner to hang in longer than perhaps would be wise for them.

It's also possible that people, by the time they get to post here, have invested a huge amount emotionally and timewise on this confusing relationship which may also make it difficult to give up and turn the other cheek.

I tend to be able to cut myself off emotionally quite abruptly if needs be particularly under stressful circumstances - I know this is pretty hurtful and baffling for NTs and I am as a result extremely wary about leading people on.