Feeling tired of being a chameleon

[Shamar]

Does anyone else feel like they are exhausted from trying to blend-in and meet the neurotypical expectation of fitting in to make others feel more comfortable? After five years of college, three lost jobs, and now having to face finding another job (going through the whole interview process again makes me want to shriek at this point) after graduating college, I'm feeling resentful, depressed, and tired. I'm sick of doing all this work to blend in when I wasn't created that way. I'm not a trick pony; working to make "normal" people comfortable around me has become more exhausting than I even want to contemplate anymore. It's gotten to the point where I'm thinking of looking for a special needs-oriented therapist and maybe even an emotional-support/service animal. My social anxiety/over-stimulation has been getting increasingly worse despite "exposure therapy." Does anyone have any suggestions? I can't think I'm the only one feeling this way, but I can't seem to express it in a way my family or friends can get what I'm trying to say. Not for lack of trying on their part; I just can't seem to explain this in a way that helps them really grasp how severe this has gotten. I'm feeling really discouraged, and I just need to know that at least I'm not the only one who's had to face this problem.

I have found the best way to stop stress from trying to be someone else is to stop trying to be someone else. It took me a lot of years to learn that. Yes, I lost a number of jobs because I could not fit in. I suffered a lot of humiliation because I could not fit in. I almost didn't graduate from college because could not fit in. I nearly committed suicide because I could not fit in.

The desire to fit in is a powerful one, and that desire conflicting with the need to be yourself results in a lot of stress. It can tear you apart inside. I know because I experienced it. At some point you have to choose between pleasing yourself and pleasing everyone else. I can't help you there.

I don't believe exposure therapy will help much for autism. For social anxiety with a root cause, yes it can help. When the problem is inborn, like autism, it seems to be useless because all it does is attempt to reduce the symptoms in a specific situation. It doesn't transfer well to generalities. I tried it and it did nothing.

Trying to explain to NTs is pretty much useless until they actually want to learn and understand. They have a great deal of difficulty grasping that the ingrained knowledge and social skills they grew up with don't exist in you. Until they do, explaining is a waste of air.

 

[Kirsty]

Maybe you could visit a dog shelter for some time so you can get to know them and to help them get to you know you before taking one back home. <3

 

[Peter Morrison]

If I were an NT, I would probably be less self-conscious. Having had dealings with the NT world, I don't find any purpose behind wanting to be like them. I prefer holding onto the qualities I have come to value whether they are from the Spectrum or from the influences of childhood rearing. I have no idea how to be like an NT. I would find trying to be exhausting, so I can grasp your frustration. All is not lost. Please have faith in who you are and the qualities you bring to yourself and others. If you think about it, even the NT world has many different kinds of people. You don't have to be everyone's friend and you don't have to have a lot in common with others either.

We all understand what you are going through, but I am unsure precisely where this exhausting extra energy goes. I can feel exhausted just going about my own business without trying to be like an NT. Being on the spectrum is enough for me to handle. Give yourself the attention you need to be OK with your own reality. Stress and pressure are horrible enemies. You have a lot of positive support here - the posts show it.

 

[AspieAngel]

Maybe you could visit a dog shelter for some time so you can get to know them and to help them get to you know you before taking one back home. <3

I was researching hypoallergenic breeds because I have massive allergies; my sister has an American Alsatian, and I don't seem to be bothered by him at all, but I need a breed that can handle warmer climates. I was comparing poodles and labradoodles, since they seem to come highly recommended for those needing a service animal but have allergies. If I can't find a service dog that won't make my allergies flare, I was going to look into an ESA instead. The species for ESAs are a little more diverse, although some abusing the system have made it harder for those of us who need one to keep them with us during travel. I just feel the need for a companion that I can cuddle and talk to without feeling the urge to hide things. Animals are more comforting to me at times when I'm so stressed that I just want to sit down right where I'm at and scream until my vocal cords snap. I love my friends and family, but sometimes it's easier just to curl up with someone who will listen without judgment and provide comfort without the awkward attempts at conversation. I used to have a guinea pig that I could curl up with and hold while I cried. She made the cutest little bubble sounds when she knew I was upset. I miss that connection and just really want to find it again. It's a little harder to curl up with a human and pet them on the head. Not to mention really awkward for all involved. XD

 

[Gracey]

Instead of asking Who do I want to be for others?

Just leave the question at ‘Who do I want to be?


What would you like to happen?

 

[OlLiE]

yes,
so i don't, or i do if i have no choice, but as little as possible

i'm also looking for work,
what i've learned is that i have been doing things that i can do
but at a great personal cost to myself
so i have had to accept that i have to retrain
and that i will have to take a serious pay cut
and change the way i live my life

when it comes to discomfort in social interaction:
real friends should understand, you shouldn't need to act
if you do then they are friends with your act and not you
dito for family
there are people that are worth keeping around and there are people that aren't

the cost of forcing myself to fit in outweighs the extra salary

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Hi, I also feel tired. Can I join this thread, but rambling about my story instead? Hope you don't mind, because I need to let it out. If you have any suggestion, it is very kind of you.

I feel like I'm faking at work, but at home, the tired me comes out; not even the true me. I'm sad that I always show my worst face at my partner at home, while at work I put my best mask (but still failing at work). I wish I can stop faking at work, so less stress, thus can put my best attitude for my beloved partner at home. Stop faking doesn't mean that I'll be rude. I hope I can be comfortable in my own skin. Since work = professionals, I feel tired acting like a pro, when i'm not.

Another part of work that makes me sad/demotivated is.. being with colleagues sometimes. Have you ever experience this: you notice that, when you talk one-to-one to your friend, you two seems like to have good conversation; but when s/he talks with other people, you noticed that s/he more comfortable/happier with the other people? I feel like, it's better for him/her if i'm not with him/her, it's better for other people accompany him/her. Although, they didn't even tell me directly about it, but I can see, how happy they are with other people, than with me.

This always make me sad. I know I should hear critiques openly, but now I'll appreciate if anybody can give me nice comments on how I should cope with this. I'm not sure if anybody will read this or reply to this.. but thank you.