Another problem I have encountered many many times happened to me tonight. I feel like I am not in the room even when I am siting next to him. We went to the movies and as always he was so into the movie that he barely payed any attention to me. He would make jokes and commentary but no affection whatsoever. Sometimes he will rub my neck but I have to lean forward as kindof a "signal" to let him know my back hurts (I have chronic back pain). He doesn't lean over to kiss me randomly or show any kindof interestin being with me just to be with me. He pretty much may as well be by himself in the theater and he would have just as good a time. I on the other hand sit there and stare at him waiting for some kindof of recognition I even lean over and put my arm around him and kiss his neck or ear and he just stays completely zoned out. Then when the movie is over he just talks about the movie and how great it is. I wonder why he is even with me sometimes is perfectly content seeing me like twice a week and having sex once a week if that and I have to initiate. He acts like I am not there but then when I am home and get on the computer and look at facebook he gets upset and goes OK you can do that when I am gone and decides to leave. I just said okay and my eyes started tearing up as I walk him to the door. He acts all surprised as if I don't have any reason to be upset and goes are you ok? I was too upset over the frustration-ridden night that I wanted to explode so I just said I am ok I need to get some sleep. He goes no you're not ok I go Im fine and he is like well ok then and he leaves. I just want to give up.
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Feeling nonexistent
- Thread starter tapian
- Start date
Ereth
Well-Known Member
Hello again, Tapian!
I'm sorry to hear about your trouble. Again, it seems like the best approach to this issue is probably counseling, with a therapist who understands Asperger's. And Aspies can be very literal-minded, so unless you tell him exactly what you're feeling, he may not get that you feel neglected. (He actually noticed you were upset! Please use that opportunity to try to reach out to him next time---instead of denying how you're feeling, which may give him mixed signals, tell him what's on your mind.)
My boyfriend is not on the autism spectrum, but I am, and I swear he is the most patient person in the entire world when it comes to my quirks. I told him a long time ago that he should always be as open as possible about what he's feeling (something I would want regardless of any autism issues), or I may not understand if I upset him, etc. The key to a healthy relationship under any circumstances is communication!
(Another note: perhaps it would be best to condense all your issues into one thread in order to reduce clutter. I'm not a moderator, and none of them have appeared to have a problem with your specific threads, but you'll likely find it easier to peruse advice and answer posts if you focus on one thread about your boyfriend.)
Best wishes.
Moderator Note:
Ereth, while you are correct in saying you are not a mod, we always encourage all members to get involved in making this one of the best and most comfortable places a person on the spectrum can visit, so to answer your suggestion:
While the threads Tapian has started do have a common theme, they are all to do with different aspects of the relationship and therefore can be addressed in separate ways by a member visiting each thread and for that reason will not be merged ; ]
Regards
gomendosi
I'm sorry to hear about your trouble. Again, it seems like the best approach to this issue is probably counseling, with a therapist who understands Asperger's. And Aspies can be very literal-minded, so unless you tell him exactly what you're feeling, he may not get that you feel neglected. (He actually noticed you were upset! Please use that opportunity to try to reach out to him next time---instead of denying how you're feeling, which may give him mixed signals, tell him what's on your mind.)
My boyfriend is not on the autism spectrum, but I am, and I swear he is the most patient person in the entire world when it comes to my quirks. I told him a long time ago that he should always be as open as possible about what he's feeling (something I would want regardless of any autism issues), or I may not understand if I upset him, etc. The key to a healthy relationship under any circumstances is communication!
(Another note: perhaps it would be best to condense all your issues into one thread in order to reduce clutter. I'm not a moderator, and none of them have appeared to have a problem with your specific threads, but you'll likely find it easier to peruse advice and answer posts if you focus on one thread about your boyfriend.)
Best wishes.
Moderator Note:
Ereth, while you are correct in saying you are not a mod, we always encourage all members to get involved in making this one of the best and most comfortable places a person on the spectrum can visit, so to answer your suggestion:
While the threads Tapian has started do have a common theme, they are all to do with different aspects of the relationship and therefore can be addressed in separate ways by a member visiting each thread and for that reason will not be merged ; ]
Regards
gomendosi
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From an aspie perspective your boyfriends behaviour sounds sensible... to me at least.
Unless I'm doing an actual, active activity with my girlfriend I don't really "bother" with her. And she's like me, both being an aspie and not bothering (about) me. Yes, you can wonder why we even meet up then... but I guess that's why I don't value meeting up twice a week either. Granted I'm in a long distance relationship right now, thus coming over is a bit trickier... I'm perfectly fine with seeing her once every two to three weeks. This makes me wonder if your boyfriend even has this desire to see you twice a week. Perhaps he'll be fine with a few hours once every 2 weeks. And yes, I can understand that this might not be what you want... but again, like I said in another thread; cut your losses and leave. You cannot expect him to dance to the beat of your drum. It might be adjustable a bit, but the more and more I read into the topics you post, the more I wonder if you're expecting a full 180.
From the example of being at the movies, I relate to you boyfriend a lot more. I'm paying to see a movie, not to engage in other activities in the cinema. On the other hand; that's why I often don't even ask people to come along, unless I know they want to see the movie as well. Which clearly makes discussing the movie and how good/bad it was better given we've both seen the movie at the same time. That's the more logical and perhaps more aspie side to "seeing a movie" and this might just as well apply to him.
Unless I'm doing an actual, active activity with my girlfriend I don't really "bother" with her. And she's like me, both being an aspie and not bothering (about) me. Yes, you can wonder why we even meet up then... but I guess that's why I don't value meeting up twice a week either. Granted I'm in a long distance relationship right now, thus coming over is a bit trickier... I'm perfectly fine with seeing her once every two to three weeks. This makes me wonder if your boyfriend even has this desire to see you twice a week. Perhaps he'll be fine with a few hours once every 2 weeks. And yes, I can understand that this might not be what you want... but again, like I said in another thread; cut your losses and leave. You cannot expect him to dance to the beat of your drum. It might be adjustable a bit, but the more and more I read into the topics you post, the more I wonder if you're expecting a full 180.
From the example of being at the movies, I relate to you boyfriend a lot more. I'm paying to see a movie, not to engage in other activities in the cinema. On the other hand; that's why I often don't even ask people to come along, unless I know they want to see the movie as well. Which clearly makes discussing the movie and how good/bad it was better given we've both seen the movie at the same time. That's the more logical and perhaps more aspie side to "seeing a movie" and this might just as well apply to him.
I'd just like to say to the last three posters how valuable this place has become to me. To the original poster, it brings back so many profound memories of a situation I failed miserably to pick up on as an Aspie male with a Neurotypical girlfriend.
To Ereth, how much I wish I had a "wingman" back in the 80s to help me socially navigate issues I was totally unaware of.
And to King Oni for reflecting exactly what was going on in my own head at the time, which I totally relate to.
I lost my girlfriend over such issues. A personal tragedy I think about a lot, twenty-seven years later. I really did care for her...but just didn't know how to show it and had no idea why. Could I have adjusted to accommodate her emotional needs? I honestly don't know. But had I known about my own situation I probably would have tried.
To Ereth, how much I wish I had a "wingman" back in the 80s to help me socially navigate issues I was totally unaware of.
And to King Oni for reflecting exactly what was going on in my own head at the time, which I totally relate to.
I lost my girlfriend over such issues. A personal tragedy I think about a lot, twenty-seven years later. I really did care for her...but just didn't know how to show it and had no idea why. Could I have adjusted to accommodate her emotional needs? I honestly don't know. But had I known about my own situation I probably would have tried.
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Ste11aeres
Well-Known Member
Part of the issue seems to be that physical touching is very important to you, but not to him. This is something that varies from person to person. Including among NTs, including among Aspies.
I think you really need to talk to him, very explicitly. If you simply act hurt, he is not going to get it.
I think you really need to talk to him, very explicitly. If you simply act hurt, he is not going to get it.
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Amen. I sure didn't get it at the time. When it comes to us Aspies, one thing you cannot count on are Neurotypical queues. We can't necessarily parse them as they can.
Food for thought...
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