Feeling marginalized

[wanderer03]

Today I am swallowing a bitter pill and headed to downtown Philadelphia to see an attorney about SSDI. I am already on state assistance for food and medical needs. I'm wondering why an intelligent person like myself has to struggle so greatly. I feel marginalized and less than human. I have such trouble getting along in the workplace that it causes me to have to resign or get fired. How can something such as Autism be both wonderful blessing and nightmarish curse at the same time? I desperately wish I could find a workplace that would just let me work and let me be but I've just about given up that ghost. I might try and get on Fiverr again and maybe try and build a business doing freelance writing.

 

[clg114]

Today I am swallowing a bitter pill and headed to downtown Philadelphia to see an attorney about SSDI. I am already on state assistance for food and medical needs. I'm wondering why an intelligent person like myself has to struggle so greatly. I feel marginalized and less than human. I have such trouble getting along in the workplace that it causes me to have to resign or get fired. How can something such as Autism be both wonderful blessing and nightmarish curse at the same time? I desperately wish I could find a workplace that would just let me work and let me be but I've just about given up that ghost. I might try and get on Fiverr again and maybe try and build a business doing freelance writing.

I feel the same way about getting along at the workplace. During my working career, I spent 99% of my time working alone. If you can find a job working alone, it will be much easier to handle. Good luck.

 

[wanderer03]

I feel the same way about getting along at the workplace. During my working career, I spent 99% of my time working alone. If you can find a job working alone, it will be much easier to handle. Good luck.

These days the corporate buzzwords are collaborative, open workspace environment. This is pure hell for me.

 

[King_Oni]

These days the corporate buzzwords are collaborative, open workspace environment. This is pure hell for me.

It's even worse when collaboration means you have to bend over and take one for the team. Collaborative efforts mean everyone chips in an equal part that represents the team... interestingly enough it's always that my (and most likely others such as some individuals on this forum) input is so far out of the box we don't even know where the box is anymore (nor do we care about this box).

It might very well be one of the reasons why I, among others, hate working in a group... we just don't have the mindset required for said assignments and environments, on top of being a bit rigid at times... or some who just don't do well with other people in general.

 

[wanderer03]

It's even worse when collaboration means you have to bend over and take one for the team. Collaborative efforts mean everyone chips in an equal part that represents the team... interestingly enough it's always that my (and most likely others such as some individuals on this forum) input is so far out of the box we don't even know where the box is anymore (nor do we care about this box).

It might very well be one of the reasons why I, among others, hate working in a group... we just don't have the mindset required for said assignments and environments, on top of being a bit rigid at times... or some who just don't do well with other people in general.

Collaborative also means no privacy to think. I cannot, for the life of me, understand the trend towards wall-less workspaces. Hearing others chatter on the phone or tap their pens annoys me incessantly. I feel overwhelmed in those environments.

 

[wanderer03]

I feel the same way about getting along at the workplace. During my working career, I spent 99% of my time working alone. If you can find a job working alone, it will be much easier to handle. Good luck.

I haven't been able to quite find a job as an individual comtributer.

 

[Progster]

I could never work under those working conditions either. Working from home is a lot better.

 

[Robby]

I feel your pain. It's like we know we are plenty intelligent, but are just trapped in our own heads. I too hate working or being around others especially strangers for any length of time. I feel like a foreigner most of the time when I'm around people. I have all this stuff going on in my head, thinking about things I've read, history, whatever, that most laypeople have no clue about. It's just like other people cluck their tongues and just go through the motions & all this annoying fake nonsense but have no clue that the earth is round or that we orbit the sun or whatever. While I enjoy listening to music, I cannot stand hearing other people jabbering or annoying sounds that makes my skin crawl, especially loud voices. I get that some people like being around others, but that doesn't mean we all do. In fact, many of us thrive if left alone. The jobs I know I'm good at, editing, writing, or even answering phones, they don't seem to exist. The only jobs I see for someone with no work experience are these high pressure high contact jobs where I know I'd get fired the first day. I have severe problems with auditory processing. I went to take a data entry test, and while I was very accurate with the info, I failed the having to listen to people talking a mile a minute in my ear. I have to have things written down for me to absorb. It's sad when intelligent people can't find work. I may be resorted to having to be a janitor or something, because at least there I know I'd be able to work and be by myself. I mean I like some interaction, as long as it's minimal, low-intensity, low-pressure. But I don't know if such jobs exist. Another thing is when you work around others, people seem to want to sabotage you or find a mistake then use it against you or just talk about you behind your back, which is stupid and very high school. Try being autistic and gay. Yea, not fun.

 

[Beverly]

I can empathize. Now my career suits me well but it wasn't like that starting out. I was the rat at the bottom and, everyone except me had the final say, my needs were largely a case of "deal with it as it is or get out of my band." Now I have the final say and it will be right or it will be re done.

I couldn't spend all day in one of those open offices, the noise would drive me insane - Wal Mart music drives me batty when I shop and, announcements over PA systems are annoying garble to me. I do not filter sounds well so, every sound is equally important and, demanding of my attention in such environments. I would need to work with ear phones that blocked all sound in such an office, and that would likely get me fired for not listening to what I can't sort out form the general din of noises anyway.

 

[Paleoflora]

What sucks for us is that we know where we want to be and how we want to do things. More often than not, we also are pretty adept in the things we want to do. However, we (or at least I) find that certain obstacles are incredibly trivial. In my case, I don't think I need to go to art school to be adept in such a medium that holds onto personal emotions. But the outside world is dominated by forms of qualifications and unfortunately artists don't really brome popular until about 2-300 years after they kick the bucket.

I want to work with a team an create movies, video games and express my fantastic ideas but getting those people to want to work with you is nigh impossible

 

[Naturalist]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I am overwhelmed easily by many things in my workplace. Although I like my job there are still things in the work environment which drain me. I am working with my boss to find arrangements which work for me without taxing everyone else too much. It does help to have a boss who is well thought of who advocates for your abilities, to others who otherwise wouldn't bother to understand. That seems to be hard to come by.

 

[Datura]

Try being autistic and gay. Yea, not fun.

Being super queer, and if not aspie then stil quite odd, I have to agree. Even living in a progessive part of the world, homophobia and transphobia are alive and well. I hate the awkward questions about if I have a husband/boyfriend, and if not then why aren't I looking. When I say I am not interested in that kind of relationship they act like there is something wrong with me. Add to that my other quirks and unusual tastes and things can get a bit awkward. In fact, I have never made a friend at work. Not once.

I couldn't spend all day in one of those open offices, the noise would drive me insane - Wal Mart music drives me batty when I shop and, announcements over PA systems are annoying garble to me. I do not filter sounds well so, every sound is equally important and, demanding of my attention in such environments. I would need to work with ear phones that blocked all sound in such an office, and that would likely get me fired for not listening to what I can't sort out form the general din of noises anyway.

Ugh! Such an environment would just be way too destracting for me. Either that or I would successfully zone into what I was doing, totally block out my surroundings, and render the open concept plan somewhat moot.

Also; when I worked in supermarkets I never heard my name being called over the intercom. I knew they were saying something, but it always took somebody else to draw my attention to it.


And wanderer03 is absolutely correct. There is too much wasted tallent out there. Our society places too much emphesis on soft skills that aren't germain to the actual job. If I'm doing data entry (for example) then judge me on how I do data entry, not how I handel office politics. Short of sexual harasment or open hostility, social skills shouldn't even factor into many vocations.

 

[BlueConundrum]

I'm on SSDI for mental and some physical stuff. I just could not function at the kind of jobs I was eligible to get. I'm in such a bad place right now that I don't think I could work full-time, anyway, but I'm going to try my hand at writing some articles for a friend. Being on SSDI has made me feel a lot worse. Yes, it's a relief to have reliable income without the constant worry about getting fired or having a meltdown at work, but it's isolating and embarrassing. Also, it's just made me feel useless. I agree that there is a lot of wasted potential and society is unfortunately not set up to accommodate the neurodivergent.

 

[wanderer03]

I'm on SSDI for mental and some physical stuff. I just could not function at the kind of jobs I was eligible to get. I'm in such a bad place right now that I don't think I could work full-time, anyway, but I'm going to try my hand at writing some articles for a friend. Being on SSDI has made me feel a lot worse. Yes, it's a relief to have reliable income without the constant worry about getting fired or having a meltdown at work, but it's isolating and embarrassing. Also, it's just made me feel useless. I agree that there is a lot of wasted potential and society is unfortunately not set up to accommodate the neurodivergent.

I met with the attorney and filed for disability yesterday. It wasn't a pleasant feeling but it is what it is. I'm really sick of being told that I don't fit in. I really want to work but I guess in my present state I'm not ready. Hell, I had a job lined up as a Shopping Cart attendant but I've heard nothing in regards to a start date.

Life's tough right now but I have to have a glimmer of hope for improvement. I wish I could go back to IT and find a job without having a meltdown.

 

[Datura]

Being on SSDI has made me feel a lot worse.

Being deemed "unfit to work" is a serious blow to the ego. I am with you. I feel totally useless right now, which is by no means helping my depression.

I was actually feeling pretty good right before my brief return to work, but the day I got the call saying they didn't want me back I slid right back into feeling horrible.

To make matters worse I can't get EI right now because I did manage to get a letter saying I was fit to work. This letter did not, however, satisfy my employer. So at the moment I am stuck in the position of being elegible for neither work nor financial support. I'm trying to sort it all out, but am unsure wether I should argue for or against my own compitence. I really want to start working again, but given my moods lately I am not sure if I should.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Best of luck with the SSDI!

My main job is on the edge of my comfort zone, but it's manageable. Still a pain in the butt dealing with the phone several times a day when the season is in. Right now I have to do it once a week for a lady which leaves me pretty jittery afterwards. Not because she's mean or anything, phone calls just really jack up my anxiety.

 

[wanderer03]

I hate jobs that require multitasking which I guess is just about everyone. Why can't people understand that I do one thing at a time well? Multitasking is a stressor. Just because a computer can multitask, doesn't mean that I can.

I'll take all the luck I can get. At the moment the docs have me on 2 meds for anxiety and 1 for depression. All of these have sedative effects and leave me groggy the next day. I couldn't work an IT job now of I wanted to.

 

[Robby]

Exactly my thoughts wanderer03. I can do one thing or even a couple of things at a time very well, provided I know what I am doing & am clear on the task. My brain just explodes if too much is thrown at me at once, I can't handle that. It seems like all the jobs require multi-tasking, multi-tasking, well that is not something someone who is already an adult can learn, some people have it some don't. It doesn't mean we're dumb, quite the opposite, it just means we tend to get very into one thing at a time & what we are focused on. I am for example a huge neat freak I clean constantly, partly ocd, and partly to cope with depression. I clean like nobody's business. I am so focused that I also tend to noticed the details that other's don't. My meds make me the same, groggy and tired, so usually after like 5 cups of coffee, only by around noon do I feel somewhat awake. I don't know how these people get out of bed and go to work at 9am or earlier every day. Maybe I just need a different type of medication, but it's pretty depressing.

 

[wanderer03]

Exactly my thoughts wanderer03. I can do one thing or even a couple of things at a time very well, provided I know what I am doing & am clear on the task. My brain just explodes if too much is thrown at me at once, I can't handle that. It seems like all the jobs require multi-tasking, multi-tasking, well that is not something someone who is already an adult can learn, some people have it some don't. It doesn't mean we're dumb, quite the opposite, it just means we tend to get very into one thing at a time & what we are focused on. I am for example a huge neat freak I clean constantly, partly ocd, and partly to cope with depression. I clean like nobody's business. I am so focused that I also tend to noticed the details that other's don't. My meds make me the same, groggy and tired, so usually after like 5 cups of coffee, only by around noon do I feel somewhat awake. I don't know how these people get out of bed and go to work at 9am or earlier every day. Maybe I just need a different type of medication, but it's pretty depressing.

I don't really know where I am going to go from here. My counselor at the Pennsylvania Office of Vocational Rehabilitation wants me to pursue SAP's autism program. I'm luke warm about it because it sounds like an affirmative action program. Apparently they have some preferential hiring program for people on the spectrum. I would be happy to even get considered for it because I have nowhere else to go. Hopefully it's single-tasking (mindful) work .... but they say you can hope in one hand, sh*t in the other, and see which gets filled faster. LOL

 

[Robby]

I totally know what you mean. I've met with Voc Rehab counselors here too, they tried to get me to do a 95-hour program where I would have been paid like 6.00 an hour and then with no guarantee of permanent employment. It seems like maybe they were just trying to fill some quota or something by pushing that on me. I'm not sure. But when I went there, everyone else was SEVERELY mentally handicapped, it seemed the others there had major mental problems or were just very visibly disabled, so I didn't feel I belonged. I felt it was just beneath me, not to sound harsh. I mean, I am pretty desperate for income, & doing some lame federal program for pennies just doesn't cut it for me. I hate the idea of handouts too, that's against what I want for my life. But yet I feel trapped & don't know how to move forward. There really needs to be a huge effort for more outlets and resources for people with adult autism. Basically since I have mild autism but appear normal, and can interact a minimal amount, most people wouldn't guess there was anything wrong with me. So I don't even fit in amongst the disabled, as bad as that sounds. I don't feel I fit in anywhere, and it's wrecking my mental state. I know I am plenty capable, but I don't have the motivation or tools or a clue about how to go about becoming productive, i.e. getting a job & keeping it. I feel I may need a medication that is a bit more activating because I just feel so lethargic all the time, but then I worry about how I'd get any sleep on it.