Feeling insignificant and inadequate

[ayoungaspie]

I don't really know where to start with this post, and I may not have posted in the right place so sorry about that. I feel like I am lacking a lot of motivation and almost felt too lazy to think about what exactly I wanted to post (if that makes sense). Part of that is boredom I guess, because I have a lot of spare time and don't make best use of it, which is what I will get into later.

The main thing that bugs me is my height (I posted about it 2 months ago). I am 5ft 4 (and 1/4) inches tall, which I feel is a pathetic height for me. My Dad is 5ft 8.5 and my mum 5ft 3. I was late going through puberty, as I didn't start until 15 and I am now 18. A special doctor said I would reach 5ft 6. I was diagnosed with "constitutional growth delay" at that age, which is just a fancy name for late bloomer. Interesting enough this is quite common for guys on the Autistic spectrum, I believe. I did grow a lot the next couple of years after that but this last year I haven't grown much, less than an inch, and that was at the start of the year. I've read a lot about growth patterns and stuff and I think I may be done growing, whereas last year I thought I was going to grow more.

So now I've gone through all that, I would just like to say that I do realise deep down my worrying is not productive, and that I can't control my height. But this has really become a big fixation and obsession, as currently I spend A LOT of time reading up on growth and height, etc, even the same things over and over. I also measure my height way too much. When I'm busy with other stuff it is still in the back of my mind and I think about how other people are better off than me because they are taller, and how I may or may not grow (or how much). I ask myself what if I stay at the same height, and try to be content either way, but simply telling myself that isn't enough to shake the obsession. The "unknown" factor is just too much, I need the predictability. But at the same time I'm scared of asking the doctor because I don't want the hope removed.

I also have a big head for my height, which I take as a hint that I might "grow into" my head (i.e., grow taller so it is smaller proportionally). But then if I don't then it is just another reason why I am so physically pathetic. I think I don't have much chance in life because of my height (most women won't date a short guy), and I am already at a disadvantage because my Aspergers makes me less likely to find romance.

All the while I feel so insignificant, not just because of my height, but because my obsessions (often in the form of anxiety) and special interests stop me from reaching out and developing friendships. I have some casual friends, but they are becoming more and more just acquaintances than friends because I don't have the capability of maintaining the contact. Because of this I just feel like I don't exist and nobody cares (except family and that, of course). I am doing a painting and decorating course at college, where I get along with some people, but I still struggle with the social cues and stuff like most Aspies do and I am anxious over that as well.

So I guess overall I don't know how I am going to shake my obsession about my height, and also get the motivation to get my head (and by that I of course do not mean the size of my head, but what is going on in my head) in a better place overall and more balance in my life. Even though there are some positives, I can't help but wish I didn't have Aspergers because I wouldn't be struggling so much. Thank you so much for reading this, even if you don't reply. Does anyone have any advice? I feel desperate at this point, I try to talk to my parents but they have worries of their own. And I really don't want to see a counselor yet.

 

[Ste11aeres]

YOu really really need to start doing something, some hobby or something. That can start to take up your attention, and maybe become a new, mentally healthier obsession which can replace your current obsession. For us Aspies, obsessions can't be gotten rid of simply by deciding to stop thinking about them; the only way to get rid of such an obsession is by replacing it with a different obsession.

 

[ayoungaspie]

Thank you for your input. I have a lot of interests/obsessions that I tend to swing between, often they get replaced by something and then come back a little later. I have been trying to reignite some of these but I get bored so easily and still think about my height and also nothing new comes up For example I had a big interest in genealogy and very skilled at finding distant relatives with little records that are available, and you can find an essentially limitless amount of people for your family tree. But I just don't feel that need to put energy into doing that like I used to, if that makes sense.

It just seems like at the moment the thing that matters most to me is how tall I am and how tall I might be, and I know that isn't healthy. Even when watching a film it is in the back of my mind and I am thinking which actors are taller than me, etc. The result of that is I don't truly enjoy the film, like I once would.

 

[Warmheart]

What a brave young man you are to write this. Thank you for taking the time to put this down so eloquently. I think many of us can identify with you.

I think maybe it's time for you to give yourself permission to be you.
Really, I know the obessions hurt, but they're the other side of the coin to your magnificent Aspie qualities that are so positive, such as brilliance, sensitivity, ability to focus, perhaps even logic and/or empathy. For now, just give yourself a "pass," about having those obsessions. Everything that you are is okay. You will, in time, find ways to be gentler to yourself.

You are hardly short! My goodness, I'm 5'1", and most of my gal pals are around my height. You may be noticing tall girls now, but soon you'll begin to notice how many women end up 5'5" or below. How a man carries himself is what's attractive. Remembering what you shine at is what will draw ladies to your confidence. And, your confidence will improve as you mature and gain mastery of what you enjoy.

Here's the only advice I can offer:
Enjoy your favorite interests now. It's okay to have concern about your height, allow yourself a little bit of that. Then, focus on positives about yourself and your life. My brother did this, then had a freaky growth spurt at age 22! Next, find a way to give back. Mentor someone in math or science or foreign language. Help someone with art projects. Mow lawns of senior citizens for free. Pick up groceries for sick neighbors, or volunteer Saturdays at an animal shelter. This will make your self-esteem get a jump up on itself.

You are worthy of kindness. Please be extra good to yourself right now.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Also, imho, any women who refuses to date a guy just because of his height (assuming that there aren't also other reasons for her not dating him, and assuming that if he was taller, she would have dated him) is probably very very shallow. Maybe you are better off not dating someone who would reject people on such superficial reasons.

Also, don't fall into the mistake of assuming that all future romantic failures are based on your height. Things go wrong in that area of life for everybody.

 

[ayoungaspie]

Thank you both.

I pretty much agree with everything except maybe not being short I'm pretty much 5 inches below average for a male, maybe even 6 for my generation.

I think it's important I get out of this mindset about height defining a person. I know I'm saying this which makes it sound like I have accepted it, but I'm still struggling with the idea in my mind. I came across a guy who was about 5ft 2 (and that is generous estimate) recently and I kind of felt better than him because he has it a little bit "worse" than me, and I know that it is wrong to think like that.

The thing that's mostly keeping the obsession going is the "unknown" factor, like I said. Obviously most Aspies want consistency and predictability, so this is what makes it tough. There are reasons to be optimistic about how I may grow more, but then there are reasons to think I may be done. Saying that, I look so much younger than I am, maybe 14 because of my height/proportions and 15 or 16 development-wise. This bugs me aswell and I even see guys as short as me but look more "mature".

 

[AdamR]

I'm a 58-years-old male of short stature, with horrible posture that has taken another two inches off what would have been my adult height. I spent much of my youth feeling inadequate for not being as tall as my peers, and my romantic future seemed terribly grim. What I've found, over time, is that being shorter has not at all been a disadvantage. It's true that short men tend to be underestimated, but that gives you the opportunity to choose to lay low (no pun intended) or to surprise, a feature that many men of greater height have told me they envy. I've also found that being shorter helps me stand out for my other qualities as well. People may first notice me for my size, but they remember me for my skills, knowledge, intelligence, kindness, etc., sometimes more so because I'm visually different. I stick in the mind, and I use that--personally and professionally. In some ways, this has actually made me more confident than many of my taller contemporaries.

As for finding a partner--I am now with a man, but I used to date women and was married for over twenty years. I had no trouble at all finding female partners my height or shorter, and curiously, there seems to be an almost disproportionate number of very bright, interesting women 5'4" and under--perhaps in part because they felt a need to distinguish themselves from a young age as well. Many shorter women don't like to date tall men, actually, because it can be physically awkward. On the other hand, my ex-wife is two inches taller than me, yet it didn't discourage her, and I seriously dated a couple of other girls who were taller than me as well. Especially from my second year of university onwards, once I had gained some general self-confidence, I never once had what I would call an unusually hard time finding companionship. For all I worried about this at the outset, it proved to be a needless concern. And again, standing out a bit for being shorter can help you stand out for other qualities--with women, too. Warmheart is absolutely right, that what really matters is how you carry yourself. People are often surprised to hear my height, as they say I seem taller. That impression comes from my having learned to be comfortable with who I am. You can't control where your height will level off, but you can choose how you decide to feel about what's inside the package. The rest will follow. It truly will.

It's okay that this bothers you right now. Every lad expects they'll grow up to be tall, and I know from experience that it's a disappointment not to. Ste11aeres has it right, though, about replacing that obsession with another. Try something that builds you up inside, like the things Warmheart suggested. Soon enough, you'll feel all right.

Don't worry if your head is a bit large, by the way. Take a good look at most celebrities, especially actors and newscasters, and you'll see that many of them have larger heads. It actually makes them more photo-/telegenic. My partner works in television, and his head is larger than average. Not to mention that both your heads hold amazing Aspie brains, with impressive abilities. You use that little bit of extra space.

 

[Harrison]

Being short is not going to stop you from dating, the insecurity from thinking about it will. I'm 5' 7" and have never had a problem even when girlfriends were way taller. As Adam said, your persona is what carries you through.

Go and search on 'short and famous' and you'll see how many succesful people there are under 5' 8".

As for looking younger. By the time you are 30 you will appreciate it, at 50 you will revel in it and by the time you are my age you will smile as you watch your peer group crinkle up under the pressure of time

 

[ayoungaspie]

Thanks for your kind words trust me they help

 

[ayoungaspie]

Well, I do now kind of get that not everything is based on height.

The thing that's bugging me most at the moment is because of my Aspergers, I don't seem able to maintain friendships. When I think of people I am losing contact with because I struggle to reach out and communicate, I feel depressed and frustrated. I almost feel jealous of others who have that sense of 'belonging' with a nice circle of friends. This just feeds that same insignificant/worthless feeling.

I guess at this point I may sound selfish coming on here and expecting all the answers just like that. I didn't really know communities like this existed. Maybe I should visit more often and converse with people who understand what I'm going through

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Speaking as a somewhat social aspie female, I can assure you that girls interested in dating notice every guy who walks into the room. The most insecure ones will pass you by. That's a good thing. The most perceptive ones will think about what they see. That's a good thing.

Find something to value about yourself and obsess on that: it will affect the atmosphere you create.