Feeling down

[Robby]

Feeling depressed today kind of need to get some things out, so here goes, hope you'll bear with me. I have things to be thankful for, got a job, it's hard at times, but I'm doing my best. I am struggling with isolation though. I like my alone time, but at the same time, I wish I had friends to hang out with. Some people at work are nice to me, but not sure if it's appropriate to be too friendly at work or not? I see people at work hanging out in the break room, but as always I seem to be the outlier. A couple girls there talk to me and see me as the gay guy which I am that they can talk to, and both of them brighten up my day.But I have no male gay friends that I can talk to or hang with, I have nobody to talk to. I mean I could call up my therapist but something about talking to someone being paid to listen to you doesn't do it for me. I'm just feeling very lonely. Gay pride is coming up, and as usual I have nobody to go with. I'm not sure what it is, but people just don't seem to want to get to know me. I'm friendly enough, and talk to people at work, but nobody ever asks if I want to hang out or something. Maybe they just don't know me well enough yet. I don't really have any friends. I'm dreading pride because everyone will be going and having fun but I am stuck at home as usual. I just feel like because I am somewhat effeminate that guys just don't like me. I feel sad. I've always wanted male friends to talk to about things but can't seem to find any. On the chats, they always say "be masc", "no fems", etc, I don't get hit up much if at all. Sorry I am just not a jock and not into sports I can't help that. Just feeling sad and down this weekend, sorry.I kind of feel like sometimes people are nice to my face but then laugh or snicker behind my back..eh who knows I always overthink things. But it would be nice if I could make an actual friend sometime, like a male friend who I can talk to about male things if that makes any sense. Thanks for listening.

 

[wanderer03]

We live in a society that is still very judgmental about people living lifestyles that differ from what mainstream society deems normative. I feel for your situation - I really do. Have you thought about just going to pride and striking up a conversation with a random stranger there? Sometimes I find anonymous socialization to be actually easier. You don't know the person, the other person does not know you, and you either hit it off or don't. If you don't hit it off, you just move on. Pride is a huge event of inclusion, so my guess is, you would be welcomed with open arms. It's been my experience that gay community centers have been extremely welcoming. I have a gay friend and when he does an art show, I go to the local gay community center to support him. He's a talented photographer. This community center welcomes anyone in their doors. They have a motto: "Walk in and ye shall not be judged."

 

[Robby]

I'm just always feeling awkward in large crowded situations. I am always analyzing people and wondering their motives. I don't even feel I fit in with gays because most of them seem to be the gym rat types or hyper masculine and I am not like that, but nor am I into the drag scene, not sure what scene I am into if any. I went to gay pride once alone, and it sucked. I just walked around aimlessly and nobody talked to me. Wouldn't want to go alone again, it sucked. When I went, I walked around and went to the booths and stuff but nobody talked to me and I ended up sitting on a water fountain by myself and people walking by just like I wasn't there. Pretty typical of me though. Sorry not wanting to seem like such a debbie downer I know there are many way worse problems in the world than my own trivial ones but just feeling really down and sad today. I just feel alone and like nobody cares.

 

[Robby]

It's been a terrible weekend have been very depressed and upset and tonight sitting here crying just feeling completely alone and isolated. This sucks.

 

[wanderer03]

I feel kind of out of sorts myself. I'm facing a large and difficult choice ahead that could have serious ramifications on my future. It is all about career and whether or not I can make it. Do I have the fortitude to do what I am about to do or will I crash and burn? Am I grasping at straws?

You aren't alone. This weekend has been kind of crappy. Pretty much from now until September it will be a personal struggle to keep from spiraling into a serious depression. I hate the summer: the glare, the intense heat, the long days. I don't sleep well. What I do is simply concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. Pure stoicism - I'm not ready to give up and I know if you're sharing than neither are you.

This too shall pass.

 

[Warmheart]

Robby, you are amazing. Look how far you have come to not only have a job, but be firmly determined to stick it out through the tough times. That takes maturity, strength, and wisdom. You've got that!

To be honest, I can bet it is NOT being gay or effeminate that makes people hold back. The gay male friends I have who are effeminate tend to have a horde of friends of both genders. People do however avoid those who act differently (the whole spectrum-y thing) because they do not feel competent in interacting with us.
I don't know how yo set their minds at ease. My solution, instead, is to engage with those who happily accept me with all my quirks.

When you feel up to it, you might want to join a club for your special interests. You'll go in with some confidence right off the bat, and that can draw people to you.

I am sending you good thoughts for today.

 

[Robby]

Thanks. What brought this all on was the orlando mess, it was extremely upsetting. All these years later, I am still very upset and angry still about 9/11.I was home from college that day and watched it all live on tv. I can't get those horrible images out of my head no matter how hard I try. I sat there and watched the plane hit the tower and saw people jumping It was a nightmare. I still have bad dreams about it. Everytime a terrorist attack happens like orlando it brings 9/11 back I just wish I could block it out but I can't. How do you forget it? Work and other mundane stuff can get overwhelming for me too at times but I handle that fairly well overall, but just have bouts of pretty bad depression sometimes this whole orlando thing really triggered it. I just want to forget about 9/11 and the terrible things I saw that day but everytime there's bad news it comes back. I wish it had never happened

 

[Robby]

I'm having severe depression right now if anyone even cares. I'm just feeling alone. I have no friends and noone to talk to. People at work say "oh I'll text you and we can hang out" but they never do when the time comes. My self confidence is very low. I have a bad secret too, I started seeing a psychiatrist a year ago, and he prescribed me anti depressants but I just couldn't bring myself to take them because I was scared. I always feel out of sorts and socially anxious and have to take xanax to let me function but I still feel very socially awkward. I always over analyze and worry about what people are thinking too. Right now I am very depressed because gay pride is today and I have noone to go with as usual so will probably just stay home.

I've been crying a lot the past few days because I just feel completely alone and isolated. It seems like nobody lets me into their circle of friends and I am always the odd person out. How can I make this stop? I can't even tell my doctor that I wouldn't take the anti depressants because it's been so long now that I've been telling him I've been taking them but really haven't that I'd feel stupid if I told him.

 

[Robby]

I've always been lonely but I have no brothers or sisters (I'm an only child) and as I've gotten older it's much worse, not having anyone to talk to. I so wish I wasn't an only child. It's very lonely.

 

[hiraeth]

I've always been naturally androgynous. Personality wise, appearance wise, everything. Not masculine, not feminine, can't fit anywhere. And have a lot of insecurity around it, but just can't be anything different. Sometimes I get really depressed over it but it's been so many years now that I've start to learn to just accept it or dwell on it less. I'm not sure if I would ever be able to... see it as a positive thing? Intellectually I do, I think the androgynous personality is the most balanced and healthy one, but then emotionally I'm still stuck at thinking that's somehow "wrong" you know. Anyways if you want to have a male friend to talk to about whatever, feel free to hit me up, dude.