existential problems

[killakev79]

hey people I'm kev ... 32 yr old undiagnosed aspie from the land of aus ... one of the greatest obsessions/interests/dilemmas of my life is an existential one ... I did my time playing make-believe in the outside world, I did ok at it too, was well liked, got pretty good at wearing my 'I'm just like everyone else' mask ... then some intense stuff happened in my world and I found myself unable and unwilling to exist like that anymore ... for years I'd systematically identified and eradicated all my eccentricities to become a 'normal' person ... in the process stamping out intrinsic parts of who I am ... now I find myself stuck ... or lost ... like many things inside my mind I find there isn't a satisfactory word to describe it ... I find myself incapable of moving forward until I understand where it is I'm supposed to be heading ... it's like being handed a set of blueprints to a building without being taught how to read them ... and being expected to build it by myself ... no one else can help because the instructions are written in a different language.

I feel like I'm wandering around in uncharted territory and all I can see is trees ... if I could just reach higher ground I might be able to discern where I am so I could figure out where to go ...

anyone resonate with this?
any advice or ideas on how one figures out their purpose in a world that's blinded by its own illusions?
is it even necessary for me to live a life in that world? if I'm alone and happy in my own world is that such a bad thing?
I'd be really interested to hear how people have managed to get around their incompatabilities with the world we live in ...

 

[King_Oni]

Hi Kev,

Welcome here ^^

But a bit more on-topic; yes I identify with this issue a lot. However, I pretty much quit "worrying" if I should head in "the right direction"... there is no wrong or right.. I rather just follow the direction I feel most comfortable with. You pretty much said it yourself "purpose in a world that's blinded by it's own illusions". Apart from things like social services, I'd say, try to go to the beat of your own drum. From personal experience I know that not doing that makes one really uncomfortable in the long run and I ended up at a therapist, all while I had best intentions to try and "fit in"... it just didn't work for me. And with that, said therapist even told me "you don't have to fit in".

You should be aware that you can (and to some extent should) have goals in life and pursue those without harming others (direct or indirect). I don't know what your hobbies are, interests, maybe even aspirations, but that seems like a good starting point to rethink the neccesity on how much you need to give in to "living life in that world".

The big issue might be that living in your own world will get you excluded from services which you could actually rely on, sorting out if you need help in any way, and if the general idea of getting support doesn't work for you, minimizing the involvement so you can get on with your life and personal goals, is, again, a really good start I think.

How I manage? By taking things preferably on a pace that works for me and expressing what way I want to take things instead of rushing headlong into them. It's quite a tiresome process, but I just know that I'll get where I want to be at some point... with a lot of hands-on experience of "the real world" I feel that I managed to find ways around it and as such don't need to rely on coping skills, moreso than I rely on my brain to work around it. It's something that keeps me busy.... "how to use the system to my advantage"... but getting to know that requires time and effort... something I gladly made to not end up more problematic then I am now.

 

[Bay]

Welcome kev. I was diagnosed so late in life that separating my outward self from my inward self would have been too difficult. But I do try to honor my Aspie self by allowing my interests a place in my life, and making sure that I put aside time to be alone. Sometimes it is hard to do but if I don't, a serious meltdown will eventually occur. Balance is the key for me.