Ending an uncomfortable + potentially volatile "friendship"

[Licorice]

I made an online friend on a different forum who contacted me because I mentioned Asperger's, and he believes he may be undiagnosed. We've been chatting for two months, but his behavior has been increasingly disturbing.

Some points include:

• Saying that he thinks he knows me better than most, after we had one long exchange about Asperger's (our only serious conversation so far)
  
• Remembering what I post and bringing it up to me in conversation
• Asking me if things I post are about him, either as a compliment or a sign that I'm angry
• Becoming offended and hurt if I tell him that his demands (such as giving him my full attention while chatting and not wandering away from the computer for a few minutes) are unreasonable

To be honest, it makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and entrapped so I'm trying to figure out the quickest, most efficient way to cut off the "friendship" now that flirty comments have started. I'm worried about a volatile reaction, though, since I know that intense personalities tend to be intense in more than one area and I don't really trust his intentions/stability. I want to still be able to post on that forum and I'm worried he might try to gain access to personal information (he doesn't have my real name, Facebook, etc) or stalk me online if I cut contact.

Advice? Experiences?

 

[Vanilla]

My experience with this sort of behaviour, is that it's not a healthy relationship; for either party.

He's clearly already made up his mind about you, and nothing anyone says will change his mind. It will be hard for him, but I would recommend ending it, if possible. The longer you two continue to talk, the more dependant he will become on you, and if he can't have you, it will destroy him.

It seems harsh, but if he's in the frame of mind where he feels the needs to stalk you; or worse, blackmail you; you need to realise that he could potentially bring you down. Just a fair warning; these individuals go out of their way to find people who are nice to them, and will usually use their kindness against them. You will learn to spot many of these types of desperately clingy individuals; keep clear from them; do not fall in to the trap of allowing them to guilt you in to a relationship you aren't comfortable with.

Apparently this seems to be a common issue for Aspie women; attracting these sorts. Any girls having similar issues with 'bad' relationships; friendships, or otherwise, may be interested in this book: Aspergirls: Empowering Females With Asperger Syndrome | AspiesCentral.com

 

[Judge]

I want to still be able to post on that forum and I'm worried he might try to gain access to personal information (he doesn't have my real name, Facebook, etc) or stalk me online if I cut contact.

I suspect that's probably your greatest challenge. Being able to continue on the same forum as if nothing had happened. With needy individuals like this it's likely to get messy.

In the most practical sense, I suspect your best bet may depend on whatever mechanisms that forum has of ignoring this person, and to alert their mods about it in the event this person openly violates the forum's terms of service. But there are no guarantees as to whether or not you get the help from them which you may need.

In the event of a worst-case scenario, know your legal rights before you need to: 609.749, 2013 Minnesota Statutes

 

[nowwhat]

I would avoid this person from now on. He does not sound healthy. And might be dangerous or at least toxic. Cut it before it gets any weirder.

As far as continuing to use that forum, that might be the price you have to pay to avoid the potential danger here. Or, if you're up to it, you might become less interesting, become extremely boring, or continue to chat with him, but just prattle on about your special interest, or some subject chosen for its extreme inanity. Ignore his protests and continue on undeterred. In other words, get him to avoid you and lose all interest. Do not engage him on directly on any real level from now on, though.

Oh, and it's a bummer you have to deal with this sort of crap just because you were being a normal decent human being online. But, that's the internet.

 

[Ereth]

To be honest, it makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and entrapped so I'm trying to figure out the quickest, most efficient way to cut off the "friendship" now that flirty comments have started. I'm worried about a volatile reaction, though, since I know that intense personalities tend to be intense in more than one area and I don't really trust his intentions/stability. I want to still be able to post on that forum and I'm worried he might try to gain access to personal information (he doesn't have my real name, Facebook, etc) or stalk me online if I cut contact.

Advice? Experiences?

You need to cut him off as soon as possible. If you feel entrapped, that is a huge warning sign. He appears to be trying to isolate you and make you feel worthless without him. He also sounds codependent, and that's bad. To echo what Judge said, if this person begins to harass you for your decision, I would immediately contact forum administrators, as this sort of conduct violates the terms of service for any website.

 

[paloftoon]

I would not suggest being more boring for the purpose to try to scare someone away. Being fake is generally not a good idea, because people will see right through. It's best to stand firm, and to "nip it in the bud" before it gets real bad.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I'm trying to keep an open mind here whether you decide to cut it off or just leave it alone for awhile. With the things you listed, I don't like #1 because I think it is too early for him to really know you (he doesn't even know your name yet). #2 I have done myself since the person I'm talking to wrote it and it's a good way to start a conversation. #3 I don't like. Everything you post is not all about him. I'd like to know what some of the things say that he posts. #4 I can understand some as being Miss Etiquette, whenever I talk to someone I try to give them my full attention - especially with texting and IM. I know with texting if someone I talk to goes and does something else, I'm still sitting there waiting for them to answer. If I'm going to be doing something else for a little bit, I like to tell them that I will be gone for a short period of time so I don't leave them hanging. With your situation, I think I would just tell him the truth - that you feel like things are moving too fast and you need to take a break for awhile. It lets him know that he's doing something wrong (which he may learn from), but in a way that you may feel a little more comfortable still staying on the forum. If he doesn't respect your wishes, then proceed to contact the higher ups.