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Emotional Risk

Discussion in 'Help and Support' started by 4na11, Jan 7, 2021.

  1. 4na11

    4na11 Active Member

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    Emotional Risk
    The few people I trust, that could help me out if my emotional stability gets compromised are not willing to do so. I am a burden for them and they have expressed they don’t want to be in this position of being my rescuers. If I force them to do so, they usually fail, cancel, don’t show up, don’t take it seriously, make me feel much worse. I realized that, even though they are the only ones I have, they are as good as having no one.

    So, if they call and ask how I am doing, I must learn to answer as neurotypicals do, and just say, ‘fine, thanks!’ Because if I start opening my heart and showing how much in need I am, it only makes me feel more rejected, and they look like narcissistic psychopaths that are unable to feel any kind of empathy.

    The risk I am taking is that I won’t be informing anyone around me of how serious my imbalance is. I mean, besides my psychiatrist, no one will know. So, if things start getting too serious, I will get right to a mental institution without people being aware it was a process.

    This total lack of minimum support frightens me, but it is more a matter of an acceptance than a choice. It is not that I am choosing to be by myself. I am realizing I am. So I need to stop pretending they will be there for me, because they won’t.

    It is time for me to take the emotional risk, it is time for me to be the one to manage my emotional imbalances, and I am in the middle of one of them and not doing so well. Really frightening situation.
     
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  2. Owliet

    Owliet Active Member

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    @4na11

    As someone who seems to have lost a long term friendship over potentially overloading, I know that it’s extremely upsetting and difficult. There’s too much honesty that your “support” doesn’t want when you do give it, despite claiming otherwise. And that feels very hurtful in the rejection.. Unfortunately, not everyone is able to help and support others, even if they think they can. It sadly leaves us feeling like we are burdens and makes us feel isolated and uncertain due to this. I’m still trying to work this out myself. But I’m sorry that you are experiencing this.

    It may not seem like it but you are not entirely on your own. You’re lucky that you do have some support in the form a a psychiatrist because he or she will be able to step in if things become too much and take action if you’re at risk of harming others or yourself. I was unable to continue with my therapist due to finances (Not covered by my insurance) and with covid situations of having a new one has seen a long waiting list because of a high rise of depression and anxiety related to covid and lockdowns... I’m on anti depressants, set by a doctor, that are also functioning for my anxiety. And moods whilst being rocky at times, have been a little bit more manageable..

    Have you been prescribed anything to help you? I ask because in my country for example it’s a psychiatrist who can prescribe medication. And if you’re in the middle of a crisis, have you contacted the psychiatrist for that support? I’m not saying that you can’t manage the emotional balance but if you’re trying to go it aLone when you do have some professional support in place and you’re currently experiencing an emotional balance, I strongly recommend that you utilize the professional support. As it’s there for it. And you have access to it. Rather than try to soldier on alone.
     
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  3. 4na11

    4na11 Active Member

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    Yes, you are right, I must be very grateful. And the most special thing you don't even know. He doesn't charge me. Not only that. He give me free samples of the medicines he prescribes me. He does loves me, he accepts me, admires me, laughs with me, thinks with me. He is a good guy. Sometimes I look at his face, he looks like Eisntein, but I don't think he is autistic, just his looks are like a crazy guy who talks to crazy people every day, all day long. Yes, I must be grateful for having his support. I am 56 and this psychiatrist is helping me since I was 16. I was one of his first patients. Yes, he prescribes me medicines, and we discuss together what would be better, I try to learn and study and suggest, he accepts my suggestions but also informs me more, it is a very participative treatment. I wouldn't be able to go through this hard time without the meds and it took us some years to find the right ones. I have a nice cocktail that works for me. But when times are hard, I don't think drugs can do much. I don't think any therapy can help that much in terms of a immediate healing. They are good for chronic stuff, not acute.
    But here @Owliet you showed us all the best support, the thing we all must be more grateful for. Whenever I read texts like this I think to myself: "Was it I who wrote it?" Because it could have been. And this forum is full of such texts.
    This, @Owliet, is the real support. No family member, no friend, no psychiatrist can give me this sensation you gave me when I read this text. Word by word it was you speaking outside and me reverberating inside. This is priceless. This is something I wasn't expecting when I came to this forum. I came with a more informative mind, but I am receiving this kind of validation. I am finding my equals and it feels good. I was searching where I would never find.
    Neurotypicals can't conceive. It is hard for us to comprehend, why would they?
    But the undeniable similarity in life experiences, in life impressions, this is validation!

    Thank you all for existing!
     
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  4. Owliet

    Owliet Active Member

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    I am so glad that you have such an excellent and supportive psychiatrist. It really makes worlds of difference. And you’ve known him for a long time, so he’s aware of what can help and what doesn’t. and most importantly, he knows you! So you have a good relationship with him. So I’m even more happy that you have that support. I admit, my own medication hasn’t magically made much better but it hasn’t made anything worse. So I understand what you mean, but they’re good stabilizers from slipping to the extremes. I know that you may not have included yourself in that comment but you’re not crazy. Or we are all a little bit crazy. Who knows. But don’t put yourself down like that. I don’t think there’s much in the way of immediate healing. The therapist who I had been seeing back in October, had her therapy plan as 8 weeks intensive were she took apart everything to fix it again ...or something like that explanation. But even if I had it covered on my insurance I don’t honestly think I could have done that program. My problems aren’t going to be magically fixed in such a short time, and she’d have to refer me to a psychiatrist anyway...so I kinda bypassed that by going to the doctor for the medication. But I get the immediate healing concerns. Wouldn’t it be great if that actually worked?

    I admit, joinIng this forum has been quite a helpful and one of my better decisions. It’s nice to have people who have also experienced similar issues or have the same mindsets without judgement. I know that you’re going through a lot of hurt and sadness, and that you do feel alone. I find sharing my experiences (if they are similar) to convey that you’re not alone. And it’s a nice feeling to have. I really hope that you’re able to find a way out of this emotional difficulty. I know it’s not easy but also know that you’re not alone.
     
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  5. 4na11

    4na11 Active Member

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    I’ve been reading about Autistic Burnout or Autistic Regression and I think that that is exactly what I am going through. Whenever we get overloaded due to some kind of stress, we regress to a childish like state in which we lose lots of our functionability. So, even though I am considered a ‘functional autistic’, I get pretty ‘unfunctional’ when I am burnout, because I regress.
    So, in this state, there is not much one can do. The neurodiverse person is pretty much closed in that universe and is having a hard time to come out, since the environment seems to be so hostile.
    I can understand what I am going through, I read and it makes sense, but when this autistic burnout knocks me out there is not much I can do.
    I don’t think they have found a proper kind of therapy for autistic burnout. And in adults the regression is not that much studied and understood. But definitely these programs neurotypical people created or go through wouldn’t help us much. We will be helping each other as we find our ways along the way.
     
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  6. Mary Terry

    Mary Terry Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    There is a lot of emotional realism, strength and wisdom in what you said. Please do keep talking to the psychiatrist as he/she is a good support for you. You are not alone here, either. :)
     
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  7. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    8 weekly sessions is definitely not enough to take apart and fix. The trouble is, some of these manual using 'therapists' aren't sufficiently trained to realise that. 8 weeks could be useful to do some work or to get support, but taking apart and fixing yourself takes longer. Lucky escape there, I'd say.
     
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  8. Owliet

    Owliet Active Member

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    I’d say so. Considering it was for 160 per session. I also told her that I couldn’t do the sessions every week on the raw scale of going deep with long buried situations. She didn’t seem to get that I couldn’t work like that.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2021
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  9. Owliet

    Owliet Active Member

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    Yes, it seems like that is true. I really don’t handle a built up of stress that well, and tend to revert to something that I think is safe. It just doesn’t fix or solve any issues, because technically by doing this for me, I run away from situations instead of trying to work through them. I’m also of the belief that whilst there’s more support for kids with ASD or for those who are on the lower end of the spectrum, there’s not much support for adults who are high functioning— or at least there’s an institute near me that I have been to but they were not helpful for what I needed because they focused more on lower spectrum. It would be really nice to have proper access to support that doesn’t run out once you hit a certain age or depend on how you function.
     
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  10. 4na11

    4na11 Active Member

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    People may think that if we have survived so far it means we are fine. They don't know how many times we were close to die, to not accept this world as a place fit to our existence, or our existence possible in this place.
    I tried to talk to my neurotypical brother yesterday, I told him how difficult it was for me to have people knocking at my door all the time, and all the things I am going through since I've moved, and he said: "this experience will make you stronger". As if I could learn something from being exposed to this hostile environment.
    In my experience, this is similar to an albino being put under the hot midday sunlight. Who can say he will leave this experience feeling stronger? He may die from this horrible experience!
    I don't think it is possible to learn and become stronger after this.
    This would be the time for some kind of science, of therapy to come to help us. I have no idea how to deal with this situation and I see neurotypical people keep thinking I am lazy or something like that.
    I am in a very uncomfortable situation, and don't know how to handle.
     
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  11. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    Good points.

    For many of us, even that which may seem benign to others can remain a lifelong struggle no matter how often we have to face them. Where repetition is more likely to hurt than help.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2021
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  12. 4na11

    4na11 Active Member

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    I think it all also depends on how well we are at a specific moment. If we are balanced, in a good period of our life, being able to explore our marvelous skills, then, being exposed to these hostiles situations is not something that harmful. It is like a price you have to pay to keep being in society.
    But when you are already lost and trying to figure out your place in the world, when your world is being rebuilt, then, it is definitely not the time to be exposed. Even neurotypical people would avoid being exposed when they are not sure of themselves.
    I believe neurodiverse people have many existential crises, so for us it is common not to feel ready to be exposed. I had many existential crisis in my life and I consider myself someone who lives life in full, with depth. I have grown in my understanding of life in each crises. But during them it is hard to be exposed because everything is in the process of being understood. Generally, after going through the crises, I help people with the understanding I got from it. But it would be like showing a picture before having finishing painting it if I let them see me before I had gone through it completely.
    I am not ready yet to be exposed, and this social pressure I feel here is killing me.
    I am also regressing to that childlike state, where I feel the need to be helped, but can't find support from those that could physically help me. I feel rejected and lonely and this sadness blinds me. This sadness makes me weak and unable to be strong to do what I have to do and face life without that support.
    I can't access that strong me. She is completely gone. I was taken by this childlike creature inside of me that only knows how to cry and not accept the present situation. I am confused and scared. I still can use my intelligence to understand things. It brought me here, to the understanding I am autistic, and to this forum, but the child keeps crying and she is hard to control. It is a part of me that surfaces sometimes and takes over.
    So, at this point, with this child in command, for sure it is hard as hell to be able to endure this hostile situations. It is torture!
    Hopefully the grown up me comes back soon so I can survive. Otherwise, I don't think mind and body will be able to resist.
    From my experience in past situations, it will be a process, child leaves, grown up takes charge, health betters and I survive.
    But right now, from where I stand, I don't see it. I know things can be that good because of my previous accomplishments. But I don't see how now I can make things good.
     
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  13. 4na11

    4na11 Active Member

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    Still no answer

    Guys, I still need you to help me out with one of the main points of this thread:

    How to respond when someone asks you how you are doing?

    I know how to respond to this question if the person who asks it is a stranger. But in this case I am asking you guys to help me out in this process of cutting my emotional connection with these people close to me who already said they won’t help. So, what the point of asking me how I am doing? They want me to answer as I would to a stranger. But I was used to answer the truth to these people, how I really feel. But then they start making me feel worse.

    I can’t simply lie and pretend I am fine. I really don’t know what to say, and yesterday I ended up telling the truth, telling my neurotypical brother how I felt and as always it made me feel even worse.

    My ex-husband, who is also my business partner, is coming back from his holidays and will be soon contacting me. Same thing. He could be here helping me a lot, but chose not to. Both of them, him and my brother are allergic to me. They have more connection to each other than to myself.

    Anyway, he will be back and will ask how I like living in the suburb, how I like this community, and I can’t lie, he will see in my eyes that I have a panic attack face. But if I open my heart, the response invalidates me, makes me feel guilty for being who I am, makes me want not to be.

    So, what to say to this kind of people, our close family, when they ask us how we are doing and we are actually not doing well? How you guys usually respond?
     
  14. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I tend to cope. When I was less able to do so, I went to therapy and therapy groups rather than family, I felt more independent doing it that way I suppose, and honestly my family members probably weren't the best at helping. It was a win win.

    It sounds difficult for you that their negative opinions hurt you so much, could you decide to feel less affected by their misguided impressions? That's what I have done over the years. Family are sometimes doing their best to understand, but often they may not be able to. This doesn't invalidate me, it's about them not me. This is why a well chosen therapist or friendly therapy group are more useful as support.

    Families aren't all we need, and to be fair, if we are having extended struggles, it can be tough for them too. I like to spread the load, and I feel like I am helping myself more by getting more constructive and objective help.
     
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  15. 4na11

    4na11 Active Member

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    Yes, family used to be a safe place, a place where I used to be loved and protected. I had a brother who died 10 years ago, he most likely was in the spectrum, he was my best friend, he loved me no matter what. My mom died 3 years ago, and even though she never understood my 'weaknesses' she was always there if I needed in any sense, I mean, specially materially speaking.
    Now I don't feel either loved or protected. And family is not anymore a safe place, and it used to be the only safe place, because society was where I made my performances, my classes, my shows, and then retrieved. Now I have to retrieve to a lonely place full of strangers, and I feel I am exposed not being able to retrieve, as if I were on stage 24/7. I need some break, some kind of intimate place, a womb, a bed, a place to rest. I am exhausted, tense, sad and overwhelmed.
    I know that right now sadness is my worst enemy. It is making me weak. But I can't help it.
    And then family members approach and I can't ask for help?! My mind doesn't adjust to that fact.
     
  16. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Sorry to hear of your losses, that's very sad. It's not surprising you feel things have changed, when you have lost two people who were close and were there for you. But in terms of what we can expect from others, your current situation sounds difficult, and I would suggest finding support, through therapy, or other support groups, and here of course.

    The child part of you needs this, and although you can give this to her yourself, you would probably feel more confident in parenting her if you had back up. Maybe try some relaxing meditations to calm her? Or other comforting things she likes?
     
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  17. 4na11

    4na11 Active Member

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    Thank you @Thinx for saying it as it is. I have to face these facts. It doesn't matter how sad or how much I didn't want things to be this way, but not only I need to accept this is a fact, but also that this is a difficult fact and that I must find help, and support to go through this difficult time. And of course, the help I am getting from this forum is surprisingly amazing. I am already feeling the benefits of finding people from same nature. I am very grateful you exist.
    I can only live in full if I have a proper routine that would include it all, meditation, yoga exercises, nutrition, relaxation, a whole group of measures that would keep me in peace. In this peaceful environment I am funny, artistically creative, intellectually creative, and so many other qualities that I myself get amazed. But when I lack the chance to live in this kind of environment, then I start losing all my talents and everything makes me nervous.
    I know the way back to myself is meditation, breathing, observing.
    I am not giving myself peace. I am too identified with the little girl to tell her to breath. If I tell her to breath I am not her anymore, and I will be already observing beyond the breathing.
    But yes, I humbly must put this annoying little girl to cry while seating in a meditation position. Eventually she will stop.
     
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  18. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Perhaps she would like to hear some soothing music to help her sleep, while you meditate? She sounds like she is grieving. Perhaps she would like to have a walk in the park tomorrow, if there is one near you? Or other activities she enjoys. It's quite limiting at the moment, in lockdown or with concerns about covid, but I hope you can find some ways to comfort her, and yourself.
     
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  19. 4na11

    4na11 Active Member

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    I was reading this article on dating yourself and it kind of gives this idea. I was also thinking some of these activities I could ask other people to go with me. And that is the socializing part.
    But either by myself or with other people, this moment seems very slow. I will also have to be very patient. They will be literally baby steps. My first accomplishments will be by myself, being able to meditate in my house. Then walking outside in the park we have in the community, then go out with "friends".
    Today I was invited by some musicians I am going to work with to go out at night. Even when I am at my best I never do this kind of socialization. Right now it would be impossible. I had to pass.
    But there are other people who might invite me for things I would like to go, in the future, or I myself can suggest more suitable places.
    I just must go slowly.

    Just heard that my ex is back, didn't even ask how I am, just informed he is back from his trip. Don't get me wrong, we don't have a romantic connection for decades, he is like a brother, a really bad brother. Anyhow, he is back and useless as always. I must be strong, because pretty soon he will offer some help then will fail to do what promised. I myself need things that are at his place and depend on him, but he is not reliable and this makes my inner child feel more insecure.
    Tough emotional weekend ahead.
    I wish I could present myself strong, but I don't know how to lie.
     
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  20. WolfSpirit

    WolfSpirit Not a dictionary. Or a search engine

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    Yes!! This is what my first autism specialist drilled into my head, and what I mean when I say autism + stress = loss of functioning. And it's not a bad thing in the judgemental way we get from so many people. It sucks, and is awful to deal with, but it does not make us terrible people for experiencing it. It's just the nature of our nervous systems.

    That said, learning coping skills for such things, and figuring out sensory integration stuff that helps, and the right medications are all essential pieces of the puzzle in terms of figuring out how to cope. Figuring out basic (and more advanced) self care strategies is vital too. Things like what makes us happy? What helps us relax? What helps right our world again? Learning how to access, and how to use a support system is important too, as is learning how to be a support system for other people, including those we lean on for support, so they don't burn out on helping us.

    I'm starting to put together all the things I learned about these things without realizing it during the first 20+ years of my diagnosis and adulthood, when my lufe was so chaotic and constantly so extreme.

    I remember before my diagnosis, and my first accessing of individual support, how difficult it was to always try and talk the one friend I had, who was willing to help, and had some clue, and having to wait until she could fit me into her schedule. And I couldn't pay her, so... it caused problems. And the relationship wasn't that old, which didn't help much either. Even after my diagnosis, before that first paid support person. It wasn't until I wound up in a mental health care home that I finally found my "in" with "the system", that allowed me to live independently again, (and even that was essentially through a loophole) that things finally got better. Well, sort of. As I said, things went haywire for a long time afterward, but at least there was something.

    Of course, part of it was I refused to give up. I kept insisting on proper assistance, and had awesome back up when needed.
     
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