Violette88
Active Member
I know how important I am to my friends, but I always doubt it, and we always end up having discussions about it. How can I stop doubting the friendships? and worrying that I am doing things wrong?
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Doubt my friendships.
- Thread starter Violette88
- Start date
Catlover614
Love Conquers
One way to stop doubting is to start trusting. Believe me, it's alot easier said than done, but if you'll begin with small actions of trust (tell a friend something personal and notice their response), then you'll be more able to stop the doubting. My problem is self doubt. I second guess myself very often.
It's ok to have such doubts initially about someone new in your orbit. I'm inclined to believe it goes with our neurology and all the social rejection that often goes with it. However the challenge IMO is not to project such doubt, let alone discuss it. It just strikes me as a gamble to do so.
People may suddenly perceive you as being too needy...which can potentially be a turn-off for people in general, whatever their neurology may be. While they might have liked you before on one level, you may have given them cause to think otherwise on another level. Ouch. Honesty can be a really tricky thing at times with any burgeoning friendships.
And then there's the subject of adulthood itself, reflecting any number of circumstances that may be often beyond our control to maintain friendships. The older I got, the more difficult it became to maintain friendships, usually given the dynamics of work and family. Things that had nothing to do with me, no matter how good a friend I was to them.
People may suddenly perceive you as being too needy...which can potentially be a turn-off for people in general, whatever their neurology may be. While they might have liked you before on one level, you may have given them cause to think otherwise on another level. Ouch. Honesty can be a really tricky thing at times with any burgeoning friendships.
And then there's the subject of adulthood itself, reflecting any number of circumstances that may be often beyond our control to maintain friendships. The older I got, the more difficult it became to maintain friendships, usually given the dynamics of work and family. Things that had nothing to do with me, no matter how good a friend I was to them.
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Maelstrom
Magical Pattern Auspie
It is normal Violette88 for autistic person to feel that in my opinion because people turn against us so often over differences. The exception is the good day when it doesn't happen.
I was beginning to think that I might as well give up on the notion of trying to have friends, since those who I thought were, well, are really just associates.
Then, out of no where; well ok, the phone rang lol and for once, I picked it up ( hate phones and usually always advertising) and the next minute, found it to be a woman who I used to get on with, but after getting her together with this guy, I was shocked when she chose to not invite us to her wedding ( it was the concept, because I hate weddings). I am afraid I lost respect for her. If that is friendship, I do not wish to know. I did not know then, about aspergers.
She is French ( I do seem to be accepted by French females) and moved to England with her husband, but has returned to France and seen her once in a while and she ALWAYS comes to me! But because I feel bitten, I do not do what I would usually and get exhuberant. So, she phones me up to see if I am going to a function, that she is attending and says that the reason she does not let go, so to speak is the fact that she finds me very likable and this is me who does not put a mask on ie feel myself with her!
Then, I get a text from another woman, who is from Germany, but lives in France, with her English husband. She said that she looks really forward to seeing me and finds me lovely.
So, it seems that I am not completely obhorrant to others!
Just a small tip on finding out if "friends" truly do like you. Say in a joking way. Well, got to go now, but I know it is hard for you all, because after all, I am such a delightful person! When I have said that, instead of: do you like me? I get a lot of humour back and so far, been told: right you are, Suzanne, how really enjoying your company and so, voila achieved my goal.
Oh and I have formed a friendship with another female aspie on here. She seems to accept my longwinded typing lol
Then, out of no where; well ok, the phone rang lol and for once, I picked it up ( hate phones and usually always advertising) and the next minute, found it to be a woman who I used to get on with, but after getting her together with this guy, I was shocked when she chose to not invite us to her wedding ( it was the concept, because I hate weddings). I am afraid I lost respect for her. If that is friendship, I do not wish to know. I did not know then, about aspergers.
She is French ( I do seem to be accepted by French females) and moved to England with her husband, but has returned to France and seen her once in a while and she ALWAYS comes to me! But because I feel bitten, I do not do what I would usually and get exhuberant. So, she phones me up to see if I am going to a function, that she is attending and says that the reason she does not let go, so to speak is the fact that she finds me very likable and this is me who does not put a mask on ie feel myself with her!
Then, I get a text from another woman, who is from Germany, but lives in France, with her English husband. She said that she looks really forward to seeing me and finds me lovely.
So, it seems that I am not completely obhorrant to others!
Just a small tip on finding out if "friends" truly do like you. Say in a joking way. Well, got to go now, but I know it is hard for you all, because after all, I am such a delightful person! When I have said that, instead of: do you like me? I get a lot of humour back and so far, been told: right you are, Suzanne, how really enjoying your company and so, voila achieved my goal.
Oh and I have formed a friendship with another female aspie on here. She seems to accept my longwinded typing lol
The first sentence seems contradictory.
How do you know "how important" you are to other people?
What is it that they do that lets you know?
When you discuss your importance to them,
it sounds to me that you are seeking reassurance.
It is not so much that you doubt the friendships, but
more that you doubt yourself. You don't really
believe that anyone could seriously value you as a friend.
That's how it sounds to me.
So is having a love/hate perspective of humanity in general. Yet many of us seem to experience just that.
It may be contradictory, but it may also amount to compulsive behavior not easily controlled, let alone rationalized. We can strive to be logical, but there's no guarantee that logic prevails when it comes to how we relate to others.
I agree, that words can matter. However it's a dichotomy.
Not everyone has the inherent ability to accurately or comprehensively express their thoughts through words alone. Humans can still be highly contradictory no matter how well-or not they express themselves.
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I just think it's important to emphasize that such contradictions often define us whether we want it or not. To both love people and be repelled by them- or equally be unsure or even confident of a friend's sincerity in a relatively similar time and space.
In itself, it may not make much sense, especially to NTs. However it may reflect our strong defense and coping mechanisms that permeate so many of our social interactions born out of past, negative experiences. And that sometimes they may cause more problems than solutions. It's just what makes us who we are.
That while we can't simply make such feelings go away, but that there might be ways to temper them.
In itself, it may not make much sense, especially to NTs. However it may reflect our strong defense and coping mechanisms that permeate so many of our social interactions born out of past, negative experiences. And that sometimes they may cause more problems than solutions. It's just what makes us who we are.
That while we can't simply make such feelings go away, but that there might be ways to temper them.
23andaspie
aspie ordinary
Several years ago, I had gotten in a relationship with a girl I had liked for several months, and when I had finally found that that liking was mutual, we got together, but I could not stop doubting that her feelings for me. One thing she told me was this. People don't waste time with people they don't care about. In the moment, the statement didn't have much power over how I was feeling, since we eventually broke up because of my own insecurity, but it is something I now realize and have incorporated into my way of thinking about my present-day relationships.
From a different perspective, one thing I read in a book about the neurobiology of happiness and suffering is that it is natural to feel bad, say, after a friend goes home after you hang out (or alternatively, whenever you don't feel completely connected -- emotional connection functions as a equivalent driver for us humans). But such feelings are natural and the biological implementation human caring and connection. If we didn't have such feelings, then there would be little biological means of re-enforcing us to want to spend time again, or in another way feel connected with our friends, family, or lovers.
Being more secure in our relationships isn't something you can change overnight, but you can take gradual steps to strive to be more secure in your interpersonal relationships, which can be as simple as the mere intention to be more secure. It is much like art that will unfold when it is ready.
Security and attachment is a paradigm that manifests in every single person on varying degrees, but I also believe that the way autism typically interfaces it results in us being more self-doubting that the average person, which is entirely reason to not be as self-doubting.
From a different perspective, one thing I read in a book about the neurobiology of happiness and suffering is that it is natural to feel bad, say, after a friend goes home after you hang out (or alternatively, whenever you don't feel completely connected -- emotional connection functions as a equivalent driver for us humans). But such feelings are natural and the biological implementation human caring and connection. If we didn't have such feelings, then there would be little biological means of re-enforcing us to want to spend time again, or in another way feel connected with our friends, family, or lovers.
Being more secure in our relationships isn't something you can change overnight, but you can take gradual steps to strive to be more secure in your interpersonal relationships, which can be as simple as the mere intention to be more secure. It is much like art that will unfold when it is ready.
Security and attachment is a paradigm that manifests in every single person on varying degrees, but I also believe that the way autism typically interfaces it results in us being more self-doubting that the average person, which is entirely reason to not be as self-doubting.
Violette88
Active Member
I know because they tell me. Yet, I still doubt it anyway. Yes, I believe you may be right, thank you that is helpful.
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