Does my dad have asperger's?

[PumpkinDream]

Hi guys! I wonder if you could help me. I have been wondering this for some time. I am 31, and I think my dad, and possibly myself may both have asperger's. I'll describe my dad first.

• He wasn't around much when we were young. He would be at work or out on long walks. He would sometimes take us on long walks with him. He was nice to me when I was young, he would read me stories, but when I became a teenager and started to have my own opinions, he became nasty and shouted at me a lot if I disagreed with him. He was also rude to my friends, if they called round the house for me during his dinner time, he swore at them.
• My mum left him when I was 15. I think it was because he was distant with her too, and he wasn't around much.
• He has set routines, for example, he has the same food almost every day. He always listens to the radio, to talk shows or news, during meal times, and doesn't like to be prevented from listening by conversation. As a teenager I tried to have conversations at meal times with my dad and little brother, but this resulted in him getting angry and yelling at me. In the end, I made my own food and ate in my room, for the last 3 years I lived with him.
• He did well in his profession, which was pharmacy. So he has a good memory. He was always interested in birds and kept notebooks with the birds he has spotted written down in. He would stop the car to write down a bird he had seen and date and time it. To me it seems an obsession.
• He is not very practical. Since my mum left, he let his house go to ruin. He only fixes things when absolutely necessary. For example, the roof had been leaking for 3 or 4 years before he finally got it fixed. The lounge furniture has holes in. A draw broke in the kitchen so he just moved everything into a different draw and left the cabinet with a draw shaped hole. He doesn't see it as important. He is not short of cash either as he retired early and goes on several holidays a year.
• He has weird mannorisms and habits such has humming to himself all the time. I think he does it to avoid the awkward silence or rather than make conversation. He has particular ways of doing things an if I used the wrong mug or use a knife from the draw rather than the draining board, he yells at me, and acts as if I should know this already even if I have no idea what he is mad about. He talks to the cat about me when I am there, ie he'll say "what is Bonnie doing eh kitty?" I'm like, I'm right here, you can ask me haha!
• He is very hard to talk to. When I initiate conversations he reacts as if I am asking stupid questions or being a nuisance. If I ask him about things he knows about though, like geography or his family history, he will talk about it. I know he cares about me, and will help me financially if I need it. But I don't feel emotionally supported by him. It's like he doesn't know how to relate to me, or doesn't realise he is supposed to try to relate to me. I've asked advice before when I have been going through hard times and got nothing, no sympathy or suggestions, so now I just don't really tell him stuff, only the major things. I have pretty poor self esteem and I wonder if him being emotionally distant has something to with this.
• I feel sorry for him sometimes because he doesn't have much of a relationship with his kids, his wife left him and now he lives alone in a house that is depressing to live in. But at the same time, he has to make the choice to seek help if he is unhappy. Maybe he is happy living on his own, and maybe he just doesn't care that much about getting to know his kids.
• I have spoken to my mum about this and she said, well he has gone through life fine , so there is no need to speak to him about it. I told her I am concerned I may have it too, because I struggle with extreme shyness and anxiety. My mum said not to rush to get a diagnosis because of prejudice, I guess. But I kind of feel, I would rather know, rather than continuing to struggle through life trying to pretend to be normal. I feel like I have to act normal in social situations with people who aren't friends. I can do it sometimes, but other times I can't and I end up being socially isolated if I can't make friends because I am too shy or people think I am weird.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

 

[On the Inside]

Welcome to the forum, this is a small group of regulars, but there is a lot of insight, care, and helpfulness here.

A lot of what you describe sounds much like me, though not the nastiness and yelling all the time. I do get frustrated in some situations and lose my cool, so could be different sides of the same coin. I tend to shut down and go quiet, try to flee. I am in my late forties, and was diagnosed only a couple of years ago.

I'm sorry to hear that it has affected you so, and I see cautions in your story (I have a 9 year old). It might be difficult to get him to see it in himself. He has lost much, there have been some very negative consequences, yet he continues on as if there is nothing amiss, and as long as he is able to function on a superficial level (maintaining isolation, I'm guessing he has few if any friends, and if he did he doesn't have them over) he will likely go on thinking all's well. From other stories of people, especially men diagnosed in middle age, the lifelong effort to pretend to be normal as you say, can develop a strong denial as a way of coping. I think it's not exactly denial, but a true cluelessness about how far we diverge from the norm. But it is good that you recognize it, and see some traits in yourself. If it is becoming a problem for you, you should consider the possibility.

I used to think that I was just very shy, and thought for a long time that there was no other problem. Once I got established in adulthood, things would be better. I ignored my high levels of anxiety and sleeplessness, I dismissed them as just a high level of energy and tried to wear myself out with almost obsessive exercise and lots of reading. The social isolation and strain started to cause other problems, I wasn't keeping up with my peers, but was deluding myself thinking that I'd figure it all out. But eventually things started to unravel.

I hope you can find the help and peace you need. I'm still knee deep in my own consequences, but I have some clarity and hope, and I know that I'm making progress. There is hope for you, too. It may just be shyness and anxiety, start with that. Those are the symptoms you can do something about. Once I started treating the anxiety, things started to get better for me. Still socially awkward and shy, but compared to three years ago, I'm much better.

Good luck and I hope you find some answers to help guide you.

 

[Karin]

It does sound a lot like Aspergers. The point is what you can do about it.

My parents suffered from depressions and abuse of perscription medicine and my dad particularly was quite unfit to be a father. I learned in my 20'ies that whatever they left me with was mine to sort out. And I did. It made life a lot easier for me when they died 14 years ago and by now I have long since forgiven them for the problems they caused me and learned to appriciate the good things they passed on to me.

What I've also learned is that unless people ask you specifically for help, you can't help them. But you can help yourself! Aspergers and other varieties of the autism spectrum is often passed on. For your own sake, it makes sense to discover if your brain is wired like that. If it is, you might be able to tell your dad about your self-discovery and he might be able to relate to it but don't count on it But while the focus should be yourself and whether or not you are on the spectrum, you are bound to learn more about your dad as well and understand your heretage better, regardless of what you find.