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Does anyone find it impossible to break up with someone?

Knit Hat

Knit Hat

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I just started this relationship, and I can tell it's not going to go anywhere. There's absolutely no attraction from my end, and I wish I could just crawl under a rock. We don't have a matching personality either, yet I can't seem to bring myself to break it off. It's like a block, and I keep trying to devise complicated scenarios for a good opportunity. Is this problem unique to me, or are there others like this? Also, any advice would definitely be welcomed!
 
When i was younger it was impossible for me to break up too. I would drag and drag the relationship until my boyfriend would dump me. Because of that i ended enduring some abusive relationships. What helped me is that i shifted the focus from the relationship to myself. What was the reason that was making me behave like this?
After much research i realized for the first time that the reason was that i was raised from a malignant narcissistic mother. For as long as i can remember she would repeat to me ''you are fat and ugly and you will die alone, i am so worried for you,if only you were normal''. I internalized that and it caused me great fear that if i break up i will indeed die alone forever. Also i was re-enacting the trauma by dating narcissistic men who also told me i will die alone if i leave them. By discovering those beliefs and making effort to battle them and negate them i took control back. The first time i was the one initiating the break up my ex told me ''you were lucky to find me with this quirk personality'' and it didn't affect me.
So my advice is: get to know yourself with compassion, like a good friend. I am sure there are reasons behind this behavior and you will find them and liberate yourself. It requires analytical thought process and when it comes to that who is better than us?
 
Thank you, for the advice, it helped quite a bit. I'm also in constant fear of dying alone; and figure I have to put up with all sorts of unappealing and offputing behaviors. I can't say I had parents who put the idea in my head, but it definitely stems from siblings, but I think they think they're trying to help, but all it's really doing is adding stress and aggravation. We're pretty close, and I know they wouldn't be doing it maliciously, but it's not helping.
 
Knit Hat said:
I just started this relationship, and I can tell it's not going to go anywhere. There's absolutely no attraction from my end, and I wish I could just crawl under a rock. We don't have a matching personality either, yet I can't seem to bring myself to break it off. It's like a block, and I keep trying to devise complicated scenarios for a good opportunity. Is this problem unique to me, or are there others like this? Also, any advice would definitely be welcomed!
Click to expand...

I was married for 23 years to an emotionally abusive partner who broke up with me in the end for someone else, kept the house and everything I'd worked for all my life.
I'd known after the first 2-3 years that there were problems, which were getting worse.. she wouldn't talk about them and I realised I should break it off, but there was this 'block' as you say.. I just couldn't imagine hurting her feelings, maybe, even though I was hurting so much.
I was recently told by an NT friend that you just have to say "It's not working, it's over.".. there's never a good time and you have no reason to feel guilty!
Wish someone'd told me that 20 years ago..
 
Spiller said:
I was married for 23 years to an emotionally abusive partner who broke up with me in the end for someone else, kept the house and everything I'd worked for all my life.
I'd known after the first 2-3 years that there were problems, which were getting worse.. she wouldn't talk about them and I realised I should break it off, but there was this 'block' as you say.. I just couldn't imagine hurting her feelings, maybe, even though I was hurting so much.
I was recently told by an NT friend that you just have to say "It's not working, it's over.".. there's never a good time and you have no reason to feel guilty!
Wish someone'd told me that 20 years ago..
Click to expand...

Have the t-shirt also in that game.

Your advice is spot on, and yes, wish I'd been able to do that too.
 
Spiller said:
I was married for 23 years to an emotionally abusive partner who broke up with me in the end for someone else, kept the house and everything I'd worked for all my life.
I'd known after the first 2-3 years that there were problems, which were getting worse.. she wouldn't talk about them and I realised I should break it off, but there was this 'block' as you say.. I just couldn't imagine hurting her feelings, maybe, even though I was hurting so much.
I was recently told by an NT friend that you just have to say "It's not working, it's over.".. there's never a good time and you have no reason to feel guilty!
Wish someone'd told me that 20 years ago..
Click to expand...
That's another huge problem of mine, is that I'm so afraid of hurting feelings, and I spend copious amounts of time trying to figure out if I'm being fair or not; and the more time spent doing all this, the more complicated everything becomes.
 
Spiller said:
If we're supposed to be more intelligent than the average bear, why do I feel so stupid? :confused::D
Click to expand...

Me too Spiller, I have a I.Q. that can slice and stack and rack things almost perfectly, but with love, Sigh! blind as a bat. I spent a endless amount of time kicking my self, why didn't you see that stupid, why didn't you just walk away idiot, I don't know maybe love is the antidote for analytical brains. Perhaps God did that so we don't all take one look at all the risks of marriage, and run screaming :eek: into the woods leaving the human race to die out.

Knit Hat, I don't want tell you what to do. I've been there on the it's not working thing, the deeper you get in the more it's going to hurt both of you on the way out, but its your life, your gamble on whether you can make it work. Best wishes to you: Mael : love is hard.:confused: good luck:fourleaf:
 
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