I am reading Tony Attwood's Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome. On pages 143-6 he explains that many Aspies express their sadness through anger. I certainly understand that. Especially as a child or teenager, whenever I was sad because I felt lonely, had problems socialising or was teased/bullied, it made me both sad and angry at the same time. Mr Attwood seems to think that Aspies have a poorer range of emotions than neurotypicals, but in my case I would say that the opposite is true.
I don't understand how he wants us to feel either angry OR sad, when the social rejection and associated incomprehension experienced by Aspie kids generally cause a whole spectrum of negative emotions at the same time, like frustration, annoyance, sadness, disappointment, disillusion, irritation, misanthropy, melancholy and anger.
Anger may be the emotion that looks more obvious from the outsider's point of view because it is the one that is the most externalised and therefore the most visible. Aspies may try to conceal other emotions they are feeling so as not to look weak or pathetic. That is at least how I experienced it.
I can of course feel sadness without anger. I such situations I can also cry. But that usually happens when something is beyond my control and affects someone else. If my pet dies, or I watch a sad story on TV, I will feel sad. However, whenever I am sad because of my socialisation problems, which I can't seem to improve to a satisfying level, then it also makes me angry because I feel it is unjust. So it is perfectly normal for an Aspie to associate anger and sadness in such situations.
I don't know why Tony Attwood is making such a big deal about it. Have NTs never experienced anger and sadness at the same time ? I often find it hard to express my emotions not because I don't feel anything, but because I feel too many distinct emotions all at once, and I may be at a loss to find all the adjectives without disentangling and analysing all those emotions first ! I find it easier to express my emotions now that I am older and more experienced in disentangling my emotions. Yet I still feel the same intensity (maybe actually less than when I was a child) which proves that I wasn't feeling empty inside (Attwood's words to describe Aspies) and that I did not have black or white emotions (ditto), but that I was feeling too strong and diverse emotions that couldn't be easily articulated in words without writing a small essay about it.
From my point of views, most people seem to have much simpler emotions that I do. That's why I can't be sure of what they are feeling. If I ask someone how they feel the answer is always remarkably simple. "I feel great". "I am happy". Surely they cannot be feeling just that at any one time ? Aren't they the ones who can't properly express their feelings and oversimplify everything ?
Tony Attwood also mentions that Aspie kids often react to teasing by fast and impulsive retaliations (p. 130) or sudden fits of anger as if they only had an on/off switch button set on maximum volume (p. 131), or as if their emotional reactions were only black or white, without the nuances of grey in between. It is true that impulsive retaliations or fits of anger have often happened to me when teased or bullied, but that is not because of a lack of nuance in my emotions. It only happens when I have been trying to keep my self-control for a lot time and just can't take it any more. It's the drop that overflowed the glass. Neurotypicals may actually have less self-control and regularly vent some of their frustrations and anger. I have tried to do that more often as an adult and it did decrease considerably my impulsive fits of anger. So it proves once again that it's not about having poorer or less nuanced feelings, but just trying to be in control of one's feelings all the time that causes Aspies to react this way, eventually.
I don't understand how he wants us to feel either angry OR sad, when the social rejection and associated incomprehension experienced by Aspie kids generally cause a whole spectrum of negative emotions at the same time, like frustration, annoyance, sadness, disappointment, disillusion, irritation, misanthropy, melancholy and anger.
Anger may be the emotion that looks more obvious from the outsider's point of view because it is the one that is the most externalised and therefore the most visible. Aspies may try to conceal other emotions they are feeling so as not to look weak or pathetic. That is at least how I experienced it.
I can of course feel sadness without anger. I such situations I can also cry. But that usually happens when something is beyond my control and affects someone else. If my pet dies, or I watch a sad story on TV, I will feel sad. However, whenever I am sad because of my socialisation problems, which I can't seem to improve to a satisfying level, then it also makes me angry because I feel it is unjust. So it is perfectly normal for an Aspie to associate anger and sadness in such situations.
I don't know why Tony Attwood is making such a big deal about it. Have NTs never experienced anger and sadness at the same time ? I often find it hard to express my emotions not because I don't feel anything, but because I feel too many distinct emotions all at once, and I may be at a loss to find all the adjectives without disentangling and analysing all those emotions first ! I find it easier to express my emotions now that I am older and more experienced in disentangling my emotions. Yet I still feel the same intensity (maybe actually less than when I was a child) which proves that I wasn't feeling empty inside (Attwood's words to describe Aspies) and that I did not have black or white emotions (ditto), but that I was feeling too strong and diverse emotions that couldn't be easily articulated in words without writing a small essay about it.
From my point of views, most people seem to have much simpler emotions that I do. That's why I can't be sure of what they are feeling. If I ask someone how they feel the answer is always remarkably simple. "I feel great". "I am happy". Surely they cannot be feeling just that at any one time ? Aren't they the ones who can't properly express their feelings and oversimplify everything ?
Tony Attwood also mentions that Aspie kids often react to teasing by fast and impulsive retaliations (p. 130) or sudden fits of anger as if they only had an on/off switch button set on maximum volume (p. 131), or as if their emotional reactions were only black or white, without the nuances of grey in between. It is true that impulsive retaliations or fits of anger have often happened to me when teased or bullied, but that is not because of a lack of nuance in my emotions. It only happens when I have been trying to keep my self-control for a lot time and just can't take it any more. It's the drop that overflowed the glass. Neurotypicals may actually have less self-control and regularly vent some of their frustrations and anger. I have tried to do that more often as an adult and it did decrease considerably my impulsive fits of anger. So it proves once again that it's not about having poorer or less nuanced feelings, but just trying to be in control of one's feelings all the time that causes Aspies to react this way, eventually.
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