Do women with Asperger's have more chance of a relationship than men with Asperger's?

[fadedface]

I'm 28 have Asperger's syndrome and I have never had a girlfriend, been in a relationship or even ever had a friend who was female.

I am unable to socially interact with women because I am socially awkward, have no confidence and am cannot cope in group social situations.

I'd be interested to find out about what others think about the possibility that women with Asperger's syndrome may have more opportunity to go on dating and have a relationship than a man with Asperger's because men are always competing for women and even if the woman has no social skills there is still a chance she will be approached by males.

Men on the other hand are expected to make the first move with women and women generally only notice confident males.

A quiet socially awkward male like me who has Asperger's and no confidence will be condemned to being single and a loner. But women with Asperger's may have more of a chance of being approached by the opposite sex and having a relationship at some point in their lives.

I accept this is a generalisation but it does actually have a basis in truth and I'm just wondering if there is a disparity here between the amount of women with Asperger's who have relationships and the amount of men. I would expect that overall women diagnosed with Asperger's have more success in having relationships than men.

I don't blame women for this it is just a product of evolutionary Darwinism and natural selection that women are approached by men and have a greater choice of potential partners than males.

 

[ChrisKarr]

Re: Do women with Asperger's have more chance of a relationship than men with Asperge

I agree with your stance entirely. That being said, without any confidence your chances drop in having a mate of any nature, whether she have Asperger's or not. Confidence is the number-one factor in a relationship. I know it's hard to hear - or, in this case, read - but it needs to be said.

Also, there's the fact that women are beaten into the shape society wants them in from a young age. Since females are much more discerning with their friend choices, they will likely shun a female aspie who presents too many idiosyncrasies. She will then be forced to adjust her image and her demeanor if she is to have any companionship in her life. This is a huge generalization, but it follows what I have personally seen in my recent school years quite well.

Just my two cents.

 

[kicker]

Re: Do women with Asperger's have more chance of a relationship than men with Asperge

Logically speaking, there is no difference between a quiet socially awkward male and a quiet socially awkward female. Males like confidence and social interactions as much as females. Although you haven't had success in finding someone thus far to claim evolution is the problem is well a little far fetched. If you know the type of person that women want, why not fake it till you feel that way about yourself. It would be far more productive to try than it is to think that it will always be a failure. Try it out with your guy friends first or with someone you trust. (I don't mean date them) Try to be confident by emulating what confidence is. Head up (you don't need to look at anyone for this), walk with a purpose (What I do is plan out where I am heading and aim for my finish line/location and keep thinking about getting there till I am there.) , and say "Hi" as you walk by anyone and catch their eyes looking at you. Be proud of who you are, don't diminish it, and don't allow anyone else to diminish it.

I speak from experience, it's hard, but the more you try the better you will feel about it and the more you will believe it. When ever you think poorly about it just tell yourself that none of it is true, that you are the exact opposite and there is nothing wrong with you. Another way you can do this is find a role model and emulate them. I found that helps too.

 

[King_Oni]

Re: Do women with Asperger's have more chance of a relationship than men with Asperge

To some degree I agree with it all, but there's a few things I like to chip in from my own experience.

But; "A quiet socially awkward male like me who has Asperger's and no confidence will be condemned to being single and a loner."... let's focus on a small part. "... no confidence...". I'm quite sure that a lot of women are fine with a quiet socially awkward male with Asperger's... but having no confidence and feeling "bad" in that regard is something women most likely don't prefer.

Here's an interesting exception to your post/situation/assessment. I'm an aspie and I date an aspie woman. And to add with this, in my entire life I never really ended up taking initiative, though I have... well, not perfect, but fine self-esteem.

So what that means, I've ended up in a few relationships and went on dates even with women. Some with more success than others obviously. I've been in 4 relationships that lasted easily over 6 months (with one of them going for over 8 years even), yet I didn't really "bother" to ask them out. What it probably also means is that I'm not coming across as not confident and probably I come across as interesting enough despite my "shortcomings".

To make it even more interesting, I've dated as well as hang out with more people on the spectrum that "normal" people. I wonder if I just have a radar for the ones that aren't that awkward but are on the spectrum.

 

[fadedface]

Re: Do women with Asperger's have more chance of a relationship than men with Asperge

Logically speaking, there is no difference between a quiet socially awkward male and a quiet socially awkward female.

However in social situations a confident male would be more likely to approach a quiet socially awkward woman and start a conversation whereas a confident female would very rarely approach the quiet socially awkward male like me sitting in the corner.

Males like confidence and social interactions as much as females.

In general though the average male has less choice than the average woman in choosing a partner and males will therefore compete for the attention of the majority of women regardless of whether or not the woman has social skills or not. However the average female has a much wider choice of males from which to choose as a partner so the chance of them ever approaching a quiet socially awkward male such as myself is very low if not non existent.

Although you haven't had success in finding someone thus far to claim evolution is the problem is well a little far fetched.

Unfortunately human behaviour is based on the evolutionary principles of Darwinism even if we don't consciously acknowledge this andnatural selection determines which males women choose as a partner and women are still predominately attracted to strong, outgoing and socially accepted alpha males. You can argue this if you like but based on my own observations alone this is true and I have never seen anything to contravene this viewpoint. The majority of women do not feel comfortable around quiet and socially awkward males such as myself and this is because of thousands of years of evolution.

 

[Flinty]

Re: Do women with Asperger's have more chance of a relationship than men with Asperge

"Being approached by the opposite gender" and "having a relationship" are two very different things.

Yes, more women are approached than are men. The particularly attractive ones have to deal with it constantly, to the point that they get cynical. But that's for another thread.

Approaches aren't relationships. Approaches frequently don't even turn into as much as coffee.

Women with ASD have more opportunities at relationships than do similar men. But simple math makes it apparent that the result isn't necessarily more relationships (speaking heterosexually here). After all, one man in a relationship means one woman in a relationship (or rather, it should...stupid cheaters).

 

[kicker]

Re: Do women with Asperger's have more chance of a relationship than men with Asperge

You're assuming everyone is concerned with evolution when they talk to a person. If that was the case the only males that would ever be sought after would have a perfect body and would have a leadership/alpha position. Yet there are plenty of overweight bald men who work as peons who are happily married.

Maybe your perception of what girls are attracted to is what the issue is. It's a self esteem issue not a evolution issue.

 

[kicker]

Re: Do women with Asperger's have more chance of a relationship than men with Asperge

Maybe I am approaching this wrong for you. What was the reason that you decided to post if you already came to a conclusion and deem it correct? I'm utterly confused as to your intentions now. At first it sounded like you wanted help in knowing how to be more "attractive" to females. Now it sounds like you want to argue why your hypothesis on the subject is flawless.

Just would like clarification.

 

[Aalo]

Re: Do women with Asperger's have more chance of a relationship than men with Asperge

For now I don't feel like writing a really long analysis, but would like to point out something.

This is from a female point of view.
I really don't care whether I'd be dating an NT or someone in a spectrum. People on both may have good qualities or lack some essential ones. AS person might understand many of my patterns better, but there'd also be some risky situations involved with them. And if viewing about being approached, I've never got into anyone who did that in person. So to say, I've "met" all my previous partners online, which is equally good choice for AS people as well as for anyone else. I know it's not what all girls prefer, but I'd like to encourage people being their self and not trying too hard for things that just won't feel good, because a) that won't show anyone in a good light b) more pleasant ways may pay dividends too.

 

[Undiagnosed]

Re: Do women with Asperger's have more chance of a relationship than men with Asperge

I havd the same thought Fadedface. This is the trhread I posted ... http://www.aspiescentral.com/love-relationships-dating/3486-men-women-please-answer.html . I think you are absolutley right. You actually could have taken the words right our of my mouth. All I can say is if I were an aspie male insetead of femail I think I wolud try internet dateing. Only advice I can give as a femaile is ... look at the femail you talk to this way.... they are hopeing/looking for love and companionship as well (assumeing you are talking to 'single and looking' females),. chances are they have insecuriteis and fearn, and issues of their own. She needs you to ask as much as you need her to accept. Really think of them as people like u with all the same needs as you have.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Re: Do women with Asperger's have more chance of a relationship than men with Asperge

Men are always competing for women and even if the woman has no social skills there is still a chance she will be approached by males.

Unfortunately, women with aspergers are more likely than NT women to be sexually abused and raped. Bad males are often the ones approaching women, and women without aspergers are better at distrusting a guy.

Men on the other hand are expected to make the first move with women and women generally only notice confident males.

According to the relationship coach Matthew Hussey, women do better if they learn to take initiative themselves instead of waiting. Women notice other guys too, they just don't always show it.

 

[Undiagnosed]

Re: Do women with Asperger's have more chance of a relationship than men with Asperge

Unfortunately, women with aspergers are more likely than NT women to be sexually abused and raped. Bad males are often the ones approaching women, and women without aspergers are better at distrusting a guy.



According to the relationship coach Matthew Hussey, women do better if they learn to take initiative themselves instead of waiting. Women notice other guys too, they just don't always show it.

I'm not sure about the women with asperger's being more likley seexualy abused or raped. It's not been true to my personal experience. I have asperger's (self proclaimed) and probably do have a hard time knowing who to truse or not trust, but am also extreamley strong headed, stuborn, and independant. I thiink men sence that and that plays into the equasion.

 

[Undiagnosed]

Re: Do women with Asperger's have more chance of a relationship than men with Asperge

"Being approached by the opposite gender" and "having a relationship" are two very different things.

Yes, more women are approached than are men. The particularly attractive ones have to deal with it constantly, to the point that they get cynical. But that's for another thread.

Approaches aren't relationships. Approaches frequently don't even turn into as much as coffee.

Women with ASD have more opportunities at relationships than do similar men. But simple math makes it apparent that the result isn't necessarily more relationships (speaking heterosexually here). After all, one man in a relationship means one woman in a relationship (or rather, it should...stupid cheaters).

aproaches don't mean relationships... True.... but,.. No approaches dose mean No chance of something that could lead to a relationsip. In Every existing relationship Someone had to approach Someone.

 

[Undiagnosed]

Re: Do women with Asperger's have more chance of a relationship than men with Asperge

there is only one statement you make that I would have to change the wording a little if I were to say it......

"A quiet socially awkward male like me who has Asperger's and no confidence will be condemned to being single and a loner."

How about..." A quiet socially awkward male who has Asperger's and no confidence will have more obsticles to overcome in regards to relateing to females than a more outgoing confidant male would"

 

[Undiagnosed]

Re: Do women with Asperger's have more chance of a relationship than men with Asperge

You're assuming everyone is concerned with evolution when they talk to a person. If that was the case the only males that would ever be sought after would have a perfect body and would have a leadership/alpha position. Yet there are plenty of overweight bald men who work as peons who are happily married.

Maybe your perception of what girls are attracted to is what the issue is. It's a self esteem issue not a evolution issue.

Nope, nope,, gotta disagree. Evolution is in us although we arn't always conciousley awair of it. Dosn't mean it has to rule us but it dose factor into the equasion.

 

[kicker]

Re: Do women with Asperger's have more chance of a relationship than men with Asperge

Ok my definition of evolution is totally different from most of the posters I believe. Evolution is the theory how over time the genetic traits that are the strongest and useful for the survival of a species are passed on while the weaker genetic traits are over time weeded out on a cellular level. Which is the effect. Natural selection is what causes evolution or extinction.

And we are talking about behavior. As in conscience acknowledgement. He clearly says several times that it is his perception from a single point of view, his own. He never says that he has tested or quantified this theory. He repeats over and over again "I". As well as take it personal that evolution has it in for him.

Why on gods green earth we are arguing this is beyond me. It's not about a theory it's about his insecurities. There is no theory as least not in a science point of view. Sorry if that offends anyone, but I just don't get it.

 

[ChrisKarr]

Re: Do women with Asperger's have more chance of a relationship than men with Asperge

Kicker, I believe the idea in the topic of 'evolution' of this thread, is that we, as humans, are designed to pick out an evolutionary advantageous mate. Since this is true, and since females are - by cultural standard - the mate *choosers* (while males are the mate-with-anything-that-moves-ers), it stands to reason that - using strictly this argument - an aspie female could have any man she chooses and an aspie man can only be chosen by a female whose perception of healthy includes symptoms of Asperger's syndrome.

 

[kicker]

Re: Do women with Asperger's have more chance of a relationship than men with Asperge

Well fine then explain to me how we are having this conversation from an evolutionary stand point. Evolution as you put it controls behavior. What happens in nature when an offspring is born deficient? Does the lizard mother take care of it? For that matter does the monkey's mother care for it? The answer is no that they kill it.

If we are able to not kill our young and expend resources and energy to help another survive how does that fit into elvolution?

Just because your personal experiences have been such a way doesn't mean that evolution is at play. If evolution meant for every "aspie" guy who is shy to not have a mate then ALL of them wouldn't. Not just select ones.

There have been a few posters that have said they are in relationships. Since there are slightly more men in the world than woman there are bound to be a few that never get dates. That doesn't make it specific to "aspies". That makes it specific to everyone.

Hey if you all want to believe its some Devine force that has singled you out more power to you. But at least acknowledge your bias to a very specific view. If you want to say some shy men in the world are left dateless because of their lack of putting the effort forth and part of the reasons they are like that is from their experiences while dealing with a genetic disorder that was caused by evolution then that would be more accurate.

Then it's a matter of what are you going to do about it rather than a hopeless cause, because otherwise you have to explain why a whole lot of "aspie" males have mates using evolution. If aspergers is such a bad thing evolutionary speaking of course.

Plus I am willing to bet if this whole theory was repeatedly tested by everyone who believes its an evolutionary thing they would find out its not true. A theory has to stand up to repeated and unbiased testing. You would have to try it as shy and confident and everything in between to say for certain it's evolution.

Thankfully there are enough people in the world that prove that a confident male isn't always the winner. The nice guy gets the girl, the jerk gets the girl, the player gets the girl, the nerd gets the girl, etc.

What is confidence. It's the belief (not gene) in yourself.

So tell me how a belief plays into evolution as well. Can't have beliefs on a cellular level we don't have genetic memories outside of fight or flight. You learn beliefs by experiences.

I think I am going to bow out now, just stop taking what I said as a personal insult. I truly haven't had enough exposure to any of you to be insulting any of you, I don't care enough. I thought this discussion would be entirely different. I'm actually upset its not as I envisioned it to be. I'm a little more strict on the definitions of things and the use of them that's all.

 

[ChrisKarr]

Re: Do women with Asperger's have more chance of a relationship than men with Asperge

Kicker, if you come back in, I'd like you to take into consideration that the figures I pointed out were assuming that the only factors which came into play were how evolution effects peoples' choices and the roles which males and females play in society. If you take other factors into account, you get a big mess, but if you separate all the factors, then you can begin to form an actual all-encompassing view. We're building from the ground up. Perhaps you anticipated for Rome to be built in a day, but that's not how science works.