• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Do Any Of You have trouble making friends? I know I have problems with making friends.

Personally, always preferred to have a smaller, more personal friend group. I like having a handful of very close friends as opposed to several friends I don’t have much of a connection with
 
Amethystgirl said:
My friend said I will probably make other friends but I don't believe that because I haven't made any new in person friends in a very long time and I only really have 2 in person friends I see (not counting internet friends) and it's not like I see I don't see my 2 in person friends every week. Any of you have troubling believing things people say?
Click to expand...
Sorry, I got delayed replying. It is not that I have trouble making friends, its that I am unable to do so. I have never in my life had a friend, as I understand the concept, despite my fervently wanting yo do so. Apparently, the part of my brain involved in bonding or connecting with people was miswired or never formed. For details, see the About section of my profile.
 
My experience was always that friends found me, I did not find them. That does not mean I kept any for long. Only one has lasted for close to 40 years and our meeting was accidental and uneventful. Don't stop looking, just be yourself and do not despair.
 
Amethystgirl said:
I've had very little success at making friends so I've considered not trying to look for more friends. Is that weird?
Click to expand...
I hope it’s not too weird, because I don’t even think about wanting or making new friends. As is typical of the best times of my life, I have one close friend and a few other people in my life. Having a group of friends is overrated and has been scientifically linked to several infectious diseases.
 
Amethystgirl said:
Is that weird?
Click to expand...
I don't think it makes you weird at all. It makes sense that once our hopes have been dashed enough times, we are hesitant to engage in certain things, like trying to make friends.

So your response is not weird, but if having friends is something that you actually want, then this method won't help you in achieving that.

Sometimes, considering our past experiences and learning from them can be useful. But other times, focusing on what has happened in the past can be detrimental. Like in this situation. Letting our failures keep us from trying to reach our goals is an unhelpful way to treat our past experiences. Maybe your attempt at making friends that did not go anywhere could simply show you that it's time to try different things - unexpected and unconventional ways to make friends.
 
No, I wouldn't say it's weird. I think it's understandable to consider not trying. But I would also say friends are important, it's good to have friends so people shouldn't give up on making friends.
 
When you don't look for them, they show up. When you are actively searching, then it's like water in the desert.
 
Well, making friends is too complicated for me, especially with people that are in real life. (Meaning not online.) So I guess I can do OK with my decision. Not making new friends is not a tragedy. I wish everyone to respect my decision only asked if it's weird. Thank you for you responses everyone.
 
Amethystgirl said:
Well, making friends is too complicated for me, especially with people that are in real life. (Meaning not online.) So I guess I can do OK with my decision. Not making new friends is not a tragedy.
Click to expand...
Maybe it's not something that you need to definitively decide right now.

If you are burnt out and disappointed in trying to make friends (I can understand that), you can not put any effort into that for now. Maybe, in the future, things will feel different. You don't have to decide forever right now.

It sounds like it's a good time to focus on other things - things that make you feel happy and optimistic.

Edit: I just saw your edit in post #8 to "respect your decision," so please don't take my comment here as trying to push you in a direction that you don't want to hear. I respect your decision.
 
I don't think the chances of me making in person friends is real life is too great. I think if I just maybe make friends online it can maybe happen, but in person friends are close to no and I don't think it will change that way in the future. Please respect how I feel.
 
Rodafina said:
Maybe it's not something that you need to definitively decide right now.
Click to expand...

I was thinking that too. It's not really something that needs to be decided and carved into stone. Around here we say "ta det som det kommer", I'm not sure what the best English translation is, but it's something like "take it as it comes". Or deal with it as it comes. Meaning you don't really have to decide or make a decision now and stick to that decision.
 
After some 56-plus years, I've come to the conclusion that we may have experiences with many people over our lives. The better relationships being limited to good acquaintances, and rarely, true friends or spouses. I tend to think of my personality as similar to the typical domestic cat. That is, having that one person whom I am deeply bonded to (my wife), but I don't seem to have the mental energy or tools for more than one. At some level, I love my children. With no hesitation I would put myself in harms way to protect them. At the same time I do not have the type of social bond that I have with my wife. I also have people I genuinely like being around, some are my co-workers, but again, I am incapable of creating a social bond with them that I would call "friendship".

It's been well-documented that many autistics have altered signaling from the hypothalamus-to-posterior pituitary, resulting in less oxytocin and vasopressin, the "love hormones" responsible for initiating and maintaining social relationships. Personally, the only thing I have been able to figure out is that in order to trigger the oxytocin and vasopressin needed for bonding with my wife, it must be through physical contact. Obviously, I am not going to be that "touchy-feely" guy at work in order to create or maintain a friendship, as it's unprofessional and if not interpreted in the correct way, bad things can happen.

In the end, I have calmly settled into the idea that my life will be without friends. There is no distress. It's just the way it is. People around me are just something I have to navigate through and around. Most are not of any importance in my life, and with that, reduces a lot of potential stress. I don't think about people. I do my own thing. I'm too busy thinking about other things.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom