Disclosing Autism in a dating profile

[Brian0787]

Hi all! It's my first time posting on this part of the autismforum. I am not sure if this has been previously discussed but I wanted to get opinions on disclosing your autism in a dating profile. I recently created a Tinder profile the other day just to try it and one of the prompt questions was "Two truths and a lie". I put on one of them that I was neurodivergent. A part of me feels there is this stigmatism for disclosing and even wondering if it's best not to disclose until you are actually on a physical date. A part of me feels that there's no need to hide it.

My thinking was that the right person would understand. The idea of hiding my autism in some way feels limiting to me. I know after I put it out there it felt kind of freeing. I am curious just to get some other opinions. Ultimately it can be a very private matter for some. I kind of still wish to meet someone the old fashioned way but figured I would try it not expecting much. I appreciate any thoughts!

 

[Judge]

"Need to know" basis only. Something to disclose in the event you establish a relationship.

Not something I'd want to advertise right out the gate....

Most of us feel a certain degree of comfort in attempting to explain the mysteries of who and what we are neurologically. However IMO the odds of most people understanding are very remote. Worse when you find out how many of us have loved ones and family who also just don't understand or don't want to understand.

* There are a very few who will want to understand and succeed.

* A few more who will want to understand and fail.

* Leaving the majority to be indifferent, often defaulting to an expectation and even a demand for us having to adapt to the neurological majority, even if it isn't really possible for us.

 

[Judge]

I had multiple relationships with NT women, but never told them much of anything about who and what I thought I was. Though at the time I really had no idea about my autism, something I didn't discover until around the age 55. And I did choose to conceal my OCD for which I was formally diagnosed.

 

[Luca]

Hi! Really great question!

I personally don't disclose that I'm autistic unless I know someone really well, or feel like it's relevant. I know that this may be unhelpful for breaking the stigma, but I really worry about being bullied, since it continues to happen to me even in adulthood, in certain situations. So I try to protect myself. Sad that people still behave that way well into their 20s and 30s, though... I wish everyone could just be nice!

This may be controversial, but I also don't consider my autism a defining part of who I am. I'm just me, and I come with many flaws, but also some fun or endearing traits that are just what make me the person I am. People can take it or leave it

My partner is also autistic, and he and I met at an organized event catered towards neurodivergent people, so I disclosed it to him right away. I felt like in that situation it was relevant, and kind of necessary.

Everyone is different though. For some people, disclosing an autism diagnosis on a dating profile will probably help weed out potential dates who would discriminate against you or be abusive. But I also understand why some people would want to keep it private until later on in the relationship.

I would just say to do whatever you feel is right for you! I think there are pros and cons to both disclosing it right away, and choosing to do so later on. But I hope you are able to find someone who is a good match for you and will accept you for who you are, you seem like a very nice person!

 

[velociraptor]

Hi all! It's my first time posting on this part of the autismforum. I am not sure if this has been previously discussed but I wanted to get opinions on disclosing your autism in a dating profile.

I had to disclose something worse: Paranoid schizophrenia (in addition to being an Aspie). Didn't put it in my dating profile for obvious reasons, but by week three I told the lady I really liked her and wanted to keep dating her, but I had some skeletons in my closest to share so she could make an informed choice. I wasn't diagnosed as an Aspie at that point so I disclosed my alcoholism (6 years sober then) and my MI. We celebrated our 25th anniversary last year which tells you it wasn't a deal breaker, although we've had rough patches.

Honesty is best, but maybe not right out of the gate.

 

[Luca]

"Need to know" basis only. Something to disclose in the event you establish a relationship.

Not something I'd want to advertise right out the gate....

Most of us feel a certain degree of comfort in attempting to explain the mysteries of who and what we are neurologically. However IMO the odds of most people understanding are very remote. Worse when you find out how many of us have loved ones and family who also just don't understand or don't want to understand.

* There are a very few who will want to understand and succeed.

* A few more who will want to understand and fail.

* Leaving the majority to be indifferent, often defaulting to an expectation and even a demand for us having to adapt to the neurological majority, even if it isn't really possible for us.

Yes, this exactly... I think while a lot of people do mean well, there are plenty who don't, and also plenty who try to understand and just make it more of a mess...

 

[Brian0787]

"Need to know" basis only. Something to disclose in the event you establish a relationship.

Not something I'd want to advertise right out the gate....

Most of us feel a certain degree of comfort in attempting to explain the mysteries of who and what we are neurologically. However IMO the odds of most people understanding are very remote.

* There are a very few who will want to understand and succeed.

* A few more who will want to understand and fail.

* Leaving the majority to be indifferent, often defaulting to an expectation and even a demand for us having to adapt to the neurological majority, even if it isn't really possible for us.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts! It makes sense to keep it on a "need to know" basis as very few would maybe understand unless that individual is on the autism spectrum themselves.

 

[Brian0787]

Hi! Really great question!

I personally don't disclose that I'm autistic unless I know someone really well, or feel like it's relevant. I know that this may be unhelpful for breaking the stigma, but I really worry about being bullied, since it continues to happen to me even in adulthood, in certain situations. So I try to protect myself. Sad that people still behave that way well into their 20s and 30s, though... I wish everyone could just be nice!

This may be controversial, but I also don't consider my autism a defining part of who I am. I'm just me, and I come with many flaws, but also some fun or endearing traits that are just what make me the person I am. People can take it or leave it

My partner is also autistic, and he and I met at an organized event catered towards neurodivergent people, so I disclosed it to him right away. I felt like in that situation it was relevant, and kind of necessary.

Everyone is different though. For some people, disclosing an autism diagnosis on a dating profile will probably help weed out potential dates who would discriminate against you or be abusive. But I also understand why some people would want to keep it private until later on in the relationship.

I would just say to do whatever you feel is right for you! I think there are pros and cons to both disclosing it right away, and choosing to do so later on. But I hope you are able to find someone who is a good match for you and will accept you for who you are, you seem like a very nice person!

Thank you for sharing! There is unfortunately still that stigmatism about it. I like what you mentioned though that "People can take it or leave it" . That lines up with what my thinking has been. That's neat that you met your partner at an organized event! That's a great way to meet others. I will have to look into finding some events in my area like that. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and thank you so much for your kind words!

 

[Brian0787]

I had to disclose something worse: Paranoid schizophrenia (in addition to being an Aspie). Didn't put it in my dating profile for obvious reasons, but by week three I told the lady I really liked her and wanted to keep dating her, but I had some skeletons in my closest to share so she could make an informed choice. I wasn't diagnosed as an Aspie at that point so I disclosed my alcoholism (6 years sober then) and my MI. We celebrated our 25th anniversary last year which tells you it wasn't a deal breaker, although we've had rough patches.

Honesty is best, but maybe not right out of the gate.

Thank you for sharing your experience! I imagine that had to be hard to disclose. I am glad everything worked out and congratulations on your 25th anniversary! That's awesome!

 

[Crabcore]

At this point in my life, I'd probably just have it out there. I think the stigma is kind of going away, slowly (at least in the states), and it's far better to weed out the ignorance in one fell swoop. The quicker you can weed out people who can't accept you for who you are, IMO, the better.

 

[Luca]

At this point in my life, I'd probably just have it out there. I think the stigma is kind of going away, slowly (at least in the states), and it's far better to weed out the ignorance in one fell swoop. The quicker you can weed out people who can't accept you for who you are, IMO, the better.

I live in the Northeast US, and the stigma is still going strong here, unfortunately, which is why I usually prefer not to disclose. But I'm really glad you've had a more positive experience!

Thankfully as I've matured I've gotten really good at weeding out people who aren't accepting. My friends in the past were really awful, and I have much better ones now, who not only accept me being odd, but are pretty eccentric themselves! We have a lot of fun.

 

[Crabcore]

I live in the Northeast US, and the stigma is still going strong here, unfortunately, which is why I usually prefer not to disclose. But I'm really glad you've had a more positive experience!

I've been seeing a bit of a shift over the past few years (which is weird, because I live in a really poor pocket in the south), as older people have to contend with family members being diagnosed, and the reality of ASD (especially the high-functioning variety) getting too hard to ignore. I also think it's pretty cool to have the pleasure of knowing more people on the spectrum than any other time in my life; before, it just felt like I was the only one in my neck of the woods, and as it turns out, I'm in good company. I really wish everyone had this experience, too.

Obviously this new acknowledgement can lead some down some interesting origin theories as to 'why' we have ASD in the first place (the ones we've all heard a million times before), but to me that still feels like an acknowledgement. It's nice to at least feel like the denial isn't as strong as it used to be, and that's sort of my marker for progress.