Difficult situation at work

[Leni-Ali]

Hi! I am new, so I am not sure if this is the right topic to post this.

I am not diagnosed with autism but I am quite sure I have it. Recently got my dream job and it is now in jeopardy because of my issues in dealing with social situations.

Dealing with people everyday in the office eroded all my reserves, and I ended into some heated discussions with team members and I've been told I am rude, I am aggressive, why are you smiling now (I didn't realize I was smiling) - I am sure you all are familiar with that.

Now we are dealing with a complex situation between me and one of my co-workers, it is not my fault and the boss is on my side, but he also mentioned that we need to address my issues with communication, because they don't help my cause.

I agree with him, and I appreciate the support. This is a company that welcomes different ways of being, I am in a creative role so me being weird is not an issue.

However, now I feel like I failed again at being normal and I have no clue what I did wrong, either.

I am now in the waiting list to be evaluated for autism - I am over 40 so it has been a long wait already - and hopefully have the right answer and access to the right support.

I told my boss I am open to work on my issues, and I know I have them, but I would like to be able to say "this is why I am different". I am not rude, or aggressive, or crazy, I am just exhausted the whole time because I am speaking a foreign language that I never really learned.

Do you think there is any hope that with the right tools (therapy, coaching, whatever) one can be able to function socially on the long term? I can function socially on a general level but g
find hard to be alert the whole time for social clues I am missing.

I really love this job for many reasons and I don't want to lose it.

Thanks for listening.
Leni

 

[Judge]

I am not rude, or aggressive, or crazy, I am just exhausted the whole time because I am speaking a foreign language that I never really learned.

"Occam's Razor". Sometimes the best answer may be the one that is the most plausible.

It may not be your perceived autism that is so problematic, as is your level of understanding a particular foreign language and culture.

 

[Leni-Ali]

"Occam's Razor". Sometimes the best answer may be the one that is the most plausible.

It may not be your perceived autism that is so problematic, as is your level of understanding a particular foreign language and culture.

I am not sure I understand your comment.
I was not referring to a literal foreign language, but the social neurotypical language of autism social language (or lack of it).
I started using this expression when I realized it was helpful for NT people around me to understand the exhaustion part, and I am fascinated by language too so it is easy to me to use foreign language as a comparison

 

[Judge]

I am not sure I understand your comment.
I was not referring to a literal foreign language, but the social neurotypical language of autism social language (or lack of it).
I started using this expression when I realized it was helpful for NT people around me to understand the exhaustion part, and I am fascinated by language too so it is easy to me to use foreign language as a comparison

LOL...welcome to an autistic community. Where indeed as an international group we're far more prone to take a new poster literally especially without much background information.

Yes, if you're talking only about a perceived difference in dealing with Neurotypicals, there is no real "magic bullet" to miraculously improve your lot in social interactions. You can hone your masking skills over time, but that is really something confined to defensive measures rather than optimally improving socialization skills. For a few, even cognitive behavioral therapy might help in part. However such things don't work for just everyone.

IMO the most significant factor to consider is simply the company you keep. Which remains a "tall order" given most of us cannot control who we must coexist with at work or at leisure. Where some will relate to you more than others, and that the process ebbs and flows with time. A consideration that could equally apply to Neurotypicals as well.

Bearing in mind above all else, that Neurotypicals exist in a vast majority. Where a very few who are aware of your autism will attempt to understand you better and succeed. With more who will attempt to do the same and fail. And the vast majority who will expect or demand that you conform to the will of a social and neurological majority. Without regards to it being arduous or downright impossible for you. Where even admitting that you are or may be on the spectrum of autism can more often than not be risky, fraught with consequences.

 

[Rabscuttle]

First thing's first: you are what you are. Maybe you have autism, maybe you don't; it certainly sounds like you've got some of the traits. Making diagnoses is tricky, but what a doctor says or doesn't say doesn't change what you are. An official diagnosis doesn't mean that you have this condition; it means that you are recognized as having this condition. If you're not seeking specific assistance and resources, and are no longer a child, a formal diagnosis doesn't actually mean that much.

Now, can you learn to walk in the allistic world? Sure. But you'll find it tiring and draining. And that world is not much inclined to accommodate us. But individuals are a different story. Everyone (who interacts with other people on a regular basis) has to make some minor behavioral adjustments; everyone (full stop) has their eccentricities. If you're routinely dealing with the same people over and over again, that can help, as they'll gradually adjust to you, and you to them. If not, it's a bit dicier.

Where it gets a bit counter-intuitive is that people are, from what I've seen, more likely to be sympathetic and make adjustments if they think you're just odd than if they're told you're autistic. This is probably mostly due to misunderstanding of what autism is, but I'd be careful throwing the word around.

I'd suggest trying to pin down the specific issues you're having and asking for a few concessions from your coworkers; a problem prevented is better than a problem cured. Good luck!

 

[Thinx]

I think one can definitely function, but what do you mean by function exactly? For me, my feeling is I won't ever fit in with neurotypical social norms, because they are unintelligible to me, and unimportant in my way of viewing the world, so my observance of them is to try to show respect and often to try to access an interest and others who have that interest, plus to pursue my work and get paid.

I strongly agree that people will be far likelier to accept us in the workplace as being odd but familiar and in some ways interesting, than as autistic, also as noted, because they don't know what autism is, plus because it puts us in a special category, and takes over their thinking of who we are, we become just autistic to them, and wholly different from them therefore, who are not. If you see what I mean...

It's rarely ok to be outspoken in disagreement with others at work. People don't like it. It doesn't matter if it's true or if you are right, or if you had stress and a bad day, it still has to be battened down at work, and it is me who will suffer if I don't. I've always needed the money too much to say all of what I want to!

 

[menander]

First thing's first: you are what you are. Maybe you have autism, maybe you don't; it certainly sounds like you've got some of the traits. Making diagnoses is tricky, but what a doctor says or doesn't say doesn't change what you are. An official diagnosis doesn't mean that you have this condition; it means that you are recognized as having this condition. If you're not seeking specific assistance and resources, and are no longer a child, a formal diagnosis doesn't actually mean that much.

Now, can you learn to walk in the allistic world? Sure. But you'll find it tiring and draining. And that world is not much inclined to accommodate us. But individuals are a different story. Everyone (who interacts with other people on a regular basis) has to make some minor behavioral adjustments; everyone (full stop) has their eccentricities. If you're routinely dealing with the same people over and over again, that can help, as they'll gradually adjust to you, and you to them. If not, it's a bit dicier.

Where it gets a bit counter-intuitive is that people are, from what I've seen, more likely to be sympathetic and make adjustments if they think you're just odd than if they're told you're autistic. This is probably mostly due to misunderstanding of what autism is, but I'd be careful throwing the word around.

I'd suggest trying to pin down the specific issues you're having and asking for a few concessions from your coworkers; a problem prevented is better than a problem cured. Good luck!

I think it depends on where you are coming from. It won't make any difference if you know who you are, etc. But I know too many people who were told they were schizophrenic or mentally ill and went through hell. Knowing they are actually autistic has been a life saver (literally) for many.

Again, they way people respond may be dependent on how much they think they already know you. Telling someone you are autistic when they think you are borderline will draw an upturned lip and rolling of eyes! But if someone cares about you it might be different..............

 

[Matthias]

Do you think there is any hope that with the right tools (therapy, coaching, whatever) one can be able to function socially on the long term?

Absolutely! I used to have major problems related to being autistic and was able to overcome most of them. It took a lot of research to figure everything out but I've improved to the point where I hardly have any social impairments. I used the blog feature on this forum to create a guide to share what I learned that helped me: How I overcame problems associated with autism

If you don't like clicking on links, you can click on BLOGS on the top left of this forum to access it.

 

[Kevin1968]

It looks like you have a supportive boss, and you do say it wasn't your fault (I'm guessing you didn't cause the initial problem but better communication might have resolved the issue quicker?)

Perhaps your boss might facilitate you with more time working alone so you don't burn out?

 

[Leni-Ali]

Thanks for all the replies! I am sorry I got sidetracked by other things happening and I had no time to answer sooner.

It is very important to me to get different point of views, because I know my own is usually a bit skewed.

I was talking (obsessively as usual!) today to my husband about how I feel this immense guilt for everything, because my first reaction is always "it is my fault because I am weird".
The task of adapting is always on me, and I often fail to adapt to a successful degree, so it is my fault right?
It is difficult to accept that others could also adapt to me, for a change.

My husband is incredibly supportive, and he kept saying that yes, my communication can be lacking, but the biggest part of the issue has been caused by my boss who made mistakes in setting the work environment, and my colleague who is behaving in a very bad way.

Today I received a message, where the boss told me they want to take a step back, and talk to each of us in the team individually and in person (as all those conversations have been happening on the phone or video call that are not the best way - plus I hate phone conversations). Tomorrow I have this meeting with them, and I am thinking: Can I disclose my suspect of being autistic and my steps in getting support?

Keep in mind this company works with and for autistic people, and have a very diverse team, some of them with disabilities. None on the spectrum in the team, but still... If there is a place where autism could be accepted, this is it. I also clearly stated that I am different, and my mind works differently, and this is one of the reasons I got the job.

On one side, I think they suspect it, and talking about the topic openly would maybe help them understand where I come from. It will also help in defining what I can and cannot change, what works for me and what doesn't.

I usually go to one extreme to the other, from trying to completely adapt to the environment and act as normal as possible, to feeling completely drained from all the faking, get angry and assume a "This is me, I am not going to change!" attitude. Not very useful.

To me, there are different levels:
1. Stuff I cannot really learn: understand and navigate complex social dynamics, use diplomacy, translate other people's intentions and act accordingly, and so on.
2. Stuff I can improve: how to better communicate with my teammates, what form of communication works best for each of them, how I can address issues without creating conflicts, what adaptations I can ask for to make my life less stressful and minimize meltdowns...
3. Stuff I don't want to change: I think I should tell my coworkers when they make a mistake, I should correct and guide the people in my team (I am in a leading position) to do better, I should not accept to be called offensive names...

I'd like to tell them something on the lines of:
"I suspect I am autistic. I have a lot of traits that would put me on the spectrum, and I am trying to learn more and adapt. But there are some things that will always be out of my reach. There are also amazing things that are unique to me *because* I am different (and that you hired me for). How can we work together so that we can maximize my potential, and minimize my difficulties?"

But again... Some of you suggested this could be a mistake as people will treat me differently.
So I am a bit lost. I find hard to lie, or hide part of the truth, and I would like to put all on the table in the conversation. But I don't want to jeopardize this job because I truly love it.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Hi! I am new, so I am not sure if this is the right topic to post this.

I am not diagnosed with autism but I am quite sure I have it. Recently got my dream job and it is now in jeopardy because of my issues in dealing with social situations.

Dealing with people everyday in the office eroded all my reserves, and I ended into some heated discussions with team members and I've been told I am rude, I am aggressive, why are you smiling now (I didn't realize I was smiling) - I am sure you all are familiar with that.

Now we are dealing with a complex situation between me and one of my co-workers, it is not my fault and the boss is on my side, but he also mentioned that we need to address my issues with communication, because they don't help my cause.

I agree with him, and I appreciate the support. This is a company that welcomes different ways of being, I am in a creative role so me being weird is not an issue.

However, now I feel like I failed again at being normal and I have no clue what I did wrong, either.

I am now in the waiting list to be evaluated for autism - I am over 40 so it has been a long wait already - and hopefully have the right answer and access to the right support.

I told my boss I am open to work on my issues, and I know I have them, but I would like to be able to say "this is why I am different". I am not rude, or aggressive, or crazy, I am just exhausted the whole time because I am speaking a foreign language that I never really learned.

Do you think there is any hope that with the right tools (therapy, coaching, whatever) one can be able to function socially on the long term? I can function socially on a general level but g
find hard to be alert the whole time for social clues I am missing.

I really love this job for many reasons and I don't want to lose it.

Thanks for listening.
Leni

I would research communication difficulties in autism and tell your boss you are awaiting evaluation for it, also letting your boss know the specific difficulties autistics face.
If your boss is not sympathetic, waste no more time in this job, it is not right for you, there will be a job that is right for you, a good piece of advice is to find a job doing something you enjoy, too many people end up in cubicles in corporate jobs going stale and not even realising it.