Depression with anxiety

[Grayman]

my mood has hit a low , my doc wants me to start olanzapine and citalopram again , nut citalopram raises me too high and olanzapine too low . I hate my brain at times , I've been ill with flu and I'm just hopeing when the flu goes my mood will rise because I was doing so well Med free. My social anxiety has went of the chart again too where I'm not going out . I don't even know why I'm writing this , maybe just to communicate and vent . Ah that's better .

 

[watersprite]

I was just about to do sort of a similar communication on my profile and saw this thread. Here is what happens ever morning between 3 and 4 or so. Me, 4a.m., startled into waking, by fear and sadness. Oh, hello fear and sadness. No answer. Do you want to tell me what's going on? No answer. So, I'm supposed to just lie here afraid and bummed out, as usual for my whole life? No answer.
Then, I turn on the computer.

Hope you get over the flu and feel much better Grayman.

 

[tree]

As superficial as it sounds, most of my 'bonjour tristesse' experiences, including the early wakefulness, can be
traced to ineffective management on my part. When I eat the wrong thing or am exposed to stuff I am allergic to,
then I suffer. The way I feel (all is hopeless, nothing is good, nothing ever will be good, nothing really matters because
everything I do is stupid.....) during those times ---if I didn't keep track, on paper, of what I eat & where I go, I would be
lost.

I notice there is a difference between sorrow over a loss and the wretchedness
that overwhelms me from allergies. Real sorrow results from loss of joy, but bone deep misery from substances
attacking my brain is an addition of pain without previous delight.

I hope that doesn't sound like "I don't like it when I get hay fever because my eyes run and I have to blow my nose."
That is not what I mean at all.

 

[Judge]

Waking up prematurely has been an issue for me as of late. I remain in bed, but for all intents and purposes I'm still losing that amount of sleep I need. Especially in having gotten older.

And of course when I wake, I'm like a computer booting up....where all the trials and tribulations at the moment come flooding back into my brain. Ugh.

 

[DogwoodTree]

And of course when I wake, I'm like a computer booting up....where all the trials of tribulations at the moment come flooding back into my brain. Ugh.

I experience this as well...I've wondered if maybe I'm just a different kind of person in my dreams, and then when I wake up, I'm shifting over to something else. And I've wondered if maybe I could perhaps just keep being that other person in my dreams, the one that doesn't feel so bad. But that person is pretty clueless, too, so not sure it would be a step in the right direction.

But yes, every morning, go through the process again, where all the stuff slowly boots up in my brain and I'm reminded again of how messed up that brain is. Sometimes I'm able to find a place in all of it where I feel somewhat centered anyway, and feel like I can do this...I can make it through this. And other times it just settles in like a really heavy, weighted fog, almost like snow sitting on top of a roof to where it might collapse the roof.

 

[Aster]

Vent away sir!

In fact, reading other members' vents and rants have helped me feel not so alone in my daily existence.

 

[Grayman]

I've somewhat improved since writing this , depressive mood is still their but I can feel a small ease (that might not make sence to you) I had to move out my house for a week and I hate change so I just kept going out Doing stuff and keep active . Now Im a bit struggling for sleep but im sure I'll get thought it ! Happy Monday people x