Death and Aspergers

[King_Oni]

I guess I deal with it pretty "ok" for lack of a better word.

Suppose I look at the positives and the change the passing of someone brings rather than mope around. But then again, I've blogged and posted about my mom's imminent passing a while ago and it's probably a rational take on it, the way I deal with it.

Perhaps I'm a bit cold in that regard, but if someone is not of direct use to me, I detach myself from them and I dont feel emotionally involved with whatever they have going on. Seeing as my mom was very ill anyway (and with no prospect to improve), I kinda struggled to find something worthwhile about her being around. I kinda rationalize that if I talk about her passing... perhaps worded a bit less harsh.

Whenever I attend a funeral or so, I feel so detached from anyone attending. It feels more like I'm there, just because it's what you're supposed to do (but then again, I only attend funerals of close family) but I probably just keep a pokerface to not make people uncomfortable by showing some kind of emotion people think is misplaced at such an event.

I also have a front row seat seeing what grief does to others. My dad struggles with it a lot still, but I suppose, he's been with my mom a lot more and has a different bond with her than me. I mean, I'm merely close to her because it's my mom (which is pretty much the same philosophy I have when it comes to dealing with family vs. dealing with friends. Friends you choose... family, you just end up with). And no matter how much I talk to him and try to rationalize it, he struggles to sleep properly and such...

 

[S0093679]

I think there's nothing wrong with the way it happened for you. If you moved on quickly then so be it. Perhaps it is better for you in the long term - it's certainly better than being tormented by grief and loss for years afterwards imo.

In regards to being called callous and cold, it's easy to judge other people, and people who are hurting inside tend to make quick, harsh judgements. It is more of a reflection of their feelings rather than how you are. Don't take it to heart. The relationship your mother had with your father may have been a very strong emotional bond, which leaves her still in a state of grief. It might stay that way for years yet to come. However, your relationship with your father would be very different and you couldn't be expected to feel the same way about him as your mother does.

For me, I tend to forget very quickly. I cannot retain images of faces etc and once a person is gone, Im afraid they are truly gone and there's nothing I can do about it. If I felt closely attached to the person in an emotional way, then I miss them and in the times that I miss them I feel very sore emotionally. That is closest I could describe grief for me. However, for anyone else, I don't have much of a response when they have died.

When my grandad died it took me years to get over it. It was just pure pain inside, but I think perhaps that was regret that I never said goodbye. When I finally forgave myself and managed to say goodbye retrospectively, the pain stopped.

I don't think you're a monster of any kind.

 

[The Phantom]

I suspect is more for show than for genuine reasons ( sorry to say that about your family). We humans tend to react to situations in a way because that is how it is done, than because we are feeling the pain!

I can imagine how you feel, since you are living and their off spring and having huge issues, but perhaps it is called: familiarity and they have something new to concentrate on and thus....!

The whole 'for show' thing seems like an interesting and plausible theory, but I really think it's genuine. Because while they say that stuff with our friends, they always say it in just immediate family conversations, or even just my parents and my brother. Adt I think they know it bothers me, so I think they would probably say something or stop doing it if it was for show. But what you said is still possible.

As for the other thing you said, you are probably right. I always pester them with tiny issues, so they probably finally found something really big to focus on I would have a reason to not bother them!

 

[Questella]

When my moms dad died I laughed (I was pretty young maybe 6th grade) it wasn't intentional at all, it's not like there was a string of thoughts in my head going, "haha that old dumb dudes dead," actually there was no verbal thoughts what so ever and I wasn't close to the dude at all, my mom's mom had like 20 kids and they all have 3-5 kids each so they didn't get any time with some of the grandkids, though I know they spent lots of time with some I just didn't make the cut I suppose. (I still don't understand why myself couldn't of just continued to stand quietly, maybe it was because they were staring at me so hard waiting for any kind of reaction...)

Now I have a uncle dying from cancer and most of the family has been spending all their time down at his cabin in southren KY (we're south ohio) and of course I haven't been included in anything. Though my mom did bring us some food I guess he was cleaning out his cabinets. I've been fighting being pissed off that I'm not ever included, I don't know if I'm even really mad or just always being left out is eating at me... I'm really conflicted about if I get invited to the funeral, it seems stupid to go to a funeral for somebody that didn't want you around when they were still alive...

Dude says if I don't go then though it'll just make the family hate me more and that we (him me and our son) will all go together as a family... so at least that helps.

Am I horrible?

I've been thinking for some time that my son is the only reason I haven't been "kicked out" of the family all together... :/

 

[Questella]

When my best friend died (suicide) I never cried. Although I was the only one to stay by her casket until the funeral home had to remove me. And every year at the same time I hole up and just want to be left alone.

All her other "friends" (I say friends because I don't believe at least half of them really cared about her, they just wanted to be included in the group) so anyways all the other "friends" started going out to bars a lot to "remember" her. I never understood people wanted to go "party" after a funeral or death.

I knew she was dead before anybody found her, they a spent couple days looking for her. When I got the phone call, "We found ___" the only thing I could say was, "she's dead, isn't she?" of course this pissed off the caller then I got hung up on and got no further information until I got back into town. I had been out of town working for a week, and it'll always screw me up because I'll always think if I had been in town she would of just come to my house instead of being alone and running to a motel.

The first time I actually legitimately cried for her was the first year anniversary...

I made this video though,

, nobody else made a video or had a video made, so yeah, if they want to "remove me" from her friends (which they actually did on Myspace) I still have this <3


(that was just supposed to be a link, nobody get mad please)

 

[NiceCupOfTea]

And aspies wonder why NTs think they don't have empathy! You know, folks, some people actually miss people after they die and they're sad that they're no longer around. Even I get that... hell.

My mum's friend's husband is dying of cancer. His death will affect my mum a lot more than it will me, because she talked to this guy so much more than I did: they would have long convos about the 2nd World War, or whatever. I last saw him on Sunday and in just 2 weeks he had massively deteriorated - he can barely talk or walk anymore, soon he'll be bedbound. And not long after that, dead I imagine. Yeah I felt for him. He doesn't want to die. And he doesn't deserve the sh*tty, lingering, painful, undignified-in-the-extreme ending that he's getting. What particularly got to me is that even his beloved dog is now giving him a wide berth. This dog has always spent lots of time lying on this guy's lap, but on Sunday he didn't go near him. That, more than anything, else got to me.

Aspie dog, maybe. (Joke.)

 

[Slothra]

Whoever said grief is exhausting had it right on the mark, it really is difficult to stay mourning for however long NTs think is average. Kinda don't think they'd want you to be so sad for so long if they were that important to you, though, so that's what I choose to believe. I accept death, and carry on, with the good memories of that person (or pet) in my mind. Just no good reason to be sad.