Death and Aspergers

[Carnelian]

How do you handle death in your family or death in your friend's family?

When my father died (two years ago), I was called callous and unsympathetic because I got over it really quickly. While my mother still has to take ambien to get to sleep and my sister stresses out and both are still very upset...I feel almost nothing. In my mind, it happened, it's over, and this is how life is now.

I've never been particularly good at comforting people. I'm better at giving them real-talk like advice or kicking their asses in gear or other things that don't require a hefty dose of sugarcoat and tactfulness.

And I wonder if I'm the only one who has this issue and I'm simply an unfeeling monster because I barely think about my father or miss him or am upset he's gone, or if that is normal among some people.

 

[RidingDutchman]

To be honest, so far I am exactly like you.

I have not yet lost anybody that close, but I got the same response when my grandfather, aunt and uncle died. I'm not sad about it because I see it as an essential part of life and being down about it will only make things worse. Downside of this is that, like you said, people will think your some cold asshole.

So no, you aren't alone in this. I get what you mean, and have the same thing.

 

[Carnelian]

To be honest, so far I am exactly like you.

I have not yet lost anybody that close, but I got the same response when my grandfather, aunt and uncle died. I'm not sad about it because I see it as an essential part of life and being down about it will only make things worse. Downside of this is that, like you said, people will think your some cold asshole.

So no, you aren't alone in this. I get what you mean, and have the same thing.

That's a relief.

Like, I would rather my dad be alive, honestly, but...he's not and it's not like crying over it or clinging to what was will do anything helpful.

But yeah, obviously this makes everyone think you're a cold hearted asshole.

 

[RidingDutchman]

That's a relief.

Like, I would rather my dad be alive, honestly, but...he's not and it's not like crying over it or clinging to what was will do anything helpful.

But yeah, obviously this makes everyone think you're a cold hearted asshole.

Desperately clinging on to the past will only make it worse if you ask me. Being sad about it does nothing but make your life worse, add stress and affects other relationships.

I personally think that being sad about it only has downsides, but because everybody does it we just have to conform to it otherwise we are emotionless. Everybody is different and people should start to accept that.

 

[Beverly]

I'm the same, no crying and carrying on, the person is gone, that's that and no matter how much anyone cries, carried on and dwells on it, they are not coming back PERIOD. Get over it, adjust, you're still alive so get living and stop wasting energy on a pointless endeavor.

I get annoyed with people that moan and whine over a dead loved one for months on end - the funeral is over, I'm done with it but, I'll give anyone else a week after the funeral to straighten up, then, I don't want them around me until they do.

People act as if all of that moaning and being depressed and missing someone and wishing they hadn't died is going to bring them back somehow and, to me that's sheer stupidity and a irrational waste of my time and energy.

So yeah, I'm a cold hearted ***** with a capitol B - so be it, I'm not wasting my life moaning over someone I'll never see again, I've got better things to spend my energy doing.

 

[SignOfLazarus]

I'm sorry you lost your father Carnelian.

In the very least, just sitting with your mother or sister, or offering a hug when you don't have the words may help either of them and in turn help you keep any stability you've gotten to afterward. Sometimes people just want the gesture and it can mean a lot if you are able to do it. I also know that sometimes as individuals we aren't able to do that.

 

[The Phantom]

I feel similarly, but to a different extent. My brothers close friend died (along with his entire immediate family), and I cried when I first heard and was deeply saddened. I still am sad of course, my brother lost a friend young and I also thought his friend was very nice and liked him a lot. But for months my parents kept on talking about it, saying how sorry they were for my brother, if the friends name ever came up my parents would be like "It's so sad", every single mention of him led to that phrase one way or another. My problems didn't even matter during that period, and they still talk about it when I'm here with depression and self-esteem issues and no one knows. I can't tell this to any of my friend cause they will hate me and think I'm heartless and selfish, but I'm not. It still makes me sad, but they can't move on, they act like their own relative died. I feel so guilty for saying this, like I said it was horrible and I wish it had never happened because they did not deserve it. But my family seems like they can't stand to just let go, I know it was the death of a young teen, but the way they've gone mourning has only made my feeling more negative. SO you're not the only one who feels that way, even if for different reasons.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I don't cry, or anything. I do think about that person a lot, and for a long time. But no public demonstrations of grief. "Public" means expressed to anyone who is not myself.

 

[Nisk]

I was there when my grandfather passed away, it really didn't effect me at all his whole body was riddled with cancer and it was an end to his pain. When my roommate was murdered I really only squeezed out a few tears when I was in bed that night. When my friend was hit by a car and killed by my house I just accepted that everyone dies eventually and didn't really have much outward emotion.

 

[Tom]

Death and Aspergers is like Life and Rutabagas.

For me it depends on the depth of the roots mostly, the closer I was the harder the loss. But I can be affected for a short while by the death of a stranger depending on the circumstances.

I think autism leans more toward a disconnected/distant personality, but its far from universal. Other factors are or can be involved. Sometimes the thing can be turned on its head even and an extra sensitive autistic results. Some of it relates to the tendency for self focus.

 

[Beverly]

I agree Tom especially about the self focused. I get more emotional over characters in a story I'm writing than I do over real people. Probably because I know all real people will die or otherwise leave my life sooner or later but the characters in my story won't unless I write them dying. I could just as easily twist the story into one that makes them immortal, I can't do that with real people.

 

[NTgirl4276]

i'm not one to cry much over death, either. i don't fear it for myself, and i find that grief is very exhausting, so i am physically and emotionally incapable of sustaining a state of mourning for very long (at least, so far). but, i do know plenty of people who have been thrust into various states of distress in the aftermath of death, and i think that's okay too. people have all sorts of reasons for their grief, many of which i don't think have much to do with the person who died. possible reasons: 1) sadness for oneself, for what will be missed when the loved one is no longer around (SignOfLazarus's point earlier); 2) the anxiety that results from the reminder that life is rarely, if ever, in our human control; and 3) sadness that results from close association, i.e. feeling sad about someone's death because their death affects someone you love/are close to/are emotionally invested in.

People act as if all of that moaning and being depressed and missing someone and wishing they hadn't died is going to bring them back somehow and, to me that's sheer stupidity and a irrational waste of my time and energy.

i think this is quite the inferential leap to make. in thinking about this topic, i became acutely aware that none of my reasons for sadness regarding death would derive from a belief that mourning a loss would somehow bring someone back. if they did, i would certainly agree that that is irrational. but, i don't think this is necessarily why people mourn.

moreover, i don't think grief and mourning are ever totally rational. i think it's a hard thing to expect someone to be completely logical in the wake of major loss. i think some people certainly can, and that's great, but not all.

Everybody is different and people should start to accept that.

100%. everyone responds differently. as such, someone who does not react to death with endless sobbing should not be dismissed as coldhearted. but i hope the opposite is also true: someone who does respond with public displays of sadness or distress should not be dismissed as illogical or stupid, either.

 

[tree]

NTgirl4276

"...someone who does respond with public displays of sadness or distress should not be dismissed as illogical or stupid, either."

Good.
Because that would be me.
The loss through death
of most anybody I know, 2 legged or
four legged makes me cry.

Reaction to loss of Chickens is to a much lesser degree.
[I don't kill & eat my employees,
but if through mis-management they are harmed, I am unhappy
because they did nothing to deserve a frightening painful demise.]

I used the occasion of my father's mother's death to
write a story. It was a good way to deal with the event and
got published in the [jr col] yearbook. My mother read it &
said to be sure not to let my father read it.

 

[Carnelian]

I think if my cat died I'd probably be more upset than when my dad died.

I had to comfort a friend whose dad is most likely going to die today. I was useless. I am not made for that situation.

 

[Beverly]

I'm definitely not made for comforting anyone in mourning. You're lucky if you get a polite "My sympathies" out of me and, even then I don't mean it. Sympathy implies pity and, I do not pity anyone who had lost a loved one. (and yes I've lost several)

To me, the only reason to do something is to cremate or burry them so their body won't smell up someplace the living want to be when it rots, and if moaning and crying and such isn't going to bring them back, what is it supposed to do other than waste energy and make you dehydrated, and waste time you could spend doing something constructive, like living, working, playing, etc...

Maybe I'm too practical but, I'd hope nobody whines and moans when I die - I'd be highly pissed off if they did.

 

[Madame Catfish]

Same.

I've been called callous repeatedly and am frequently accused of sociopathy by my classmates. In fact, only today an administrator of our school casually commented that I scare the **** out of her.

I see death as beautiful. It makes life clearer. As a kid, I had an odd obsession with the mingling smell of embalming fluid and flowers- the duality of death. If I do cry, it's ironically at the funeral of a very old person- it makes me sad to see the entire world view and experience of a foreign generation just slip away like that. Those that were raised in the 40's grew up in a different world altogether, and it dies with them. Knowledge is lost- information abandoned.

The self-imposed ignorance some people have towards death saddens me far more than death itself. By blatantly repressing the knowledge of mortality, it is as though they are disrespecting death and doing a disservice to life itself through their own cowardice. When they turn distastefully from the funeral casket they forget that that frail little corpse was the only thing that gave the living body any meaning.
It's rude to the deceased almost, to shiver and say "I won't end like that. We're not the same. I won't ever see death."
It's like forgetting humanity.
Death is what every human has in common. It gives that richness and beauty to life- the "this is it". Eternity would be dull, wouldn't it? Death saves us from dullness. It is the saviour and the executioner. It is why we choose to live.

I don't see why we should cry over it.
I will miss some people when they go, and currently miss a few. When they die, though, their individuality is overwhelmed by something much greater, which makes it difficult to mourn.

(I don't mean to sound artsy, that's just how I write without any sleep)

 

[Moore]

I feel a lot like many of you have stated. I have been fortunate to have really only lost one person close to me. I was very upset when I first heard. I felt strange days later when I flew in for the funeral and everyone in my family was still visibly upset. For me it was over. It was a sad loss but it had already taken place. I felt like a heartless bastard to see so many people that wasn't even as close as I was with the deceased crying and mourning days later.

 

[Suzanne]

My grandpa dying, was when I experienced the most dreadful pain and yet, everyone around me, acted normal and hey, I am the one with aspergers lol (didn't know at that time).

When my brother in law died, I experienced a minor fraction of how it felt when grandad died.

When I hear of deaths, I feel cold inside, but try very hard to make my face sympathetic, for I am aware that a cold response can add to the stress and I wouldn't want to do that. Besides, I know what happens after one dies and thus, it cushions the blow! Ecclesiastes 9:5, 6 tells ( I only quote to show what I believe).

I think that my grandad's death, set a pattern in my to show empathy to others suffering.

 

[Suzanne]

I feel similarly, but to a different extent. My brothers close friend died (along with his entire immediate family), and I cried when I first heard and was deeply saddened. I still am sad of course, my brother lost a friend young and I also thought his friend was very nice and liked him a lot. But for months my parents kept on talking about it, saying how sorry they were for my brother, if the friends name ever came up my parents would be like "It's so sad", every single mention of him led to that phrase one way or another. My problems didn't even matter during that period, and they still talk about it when I'm here with depression and self-esteem issues and no one knows. I can't tell this to any of my friend cause they will hate me and think I'm heartless and selfish, but I'm not. It still makes me sad, but they can't move on, they act like their own relative died. I feel so guilty for saying this, like I said it was horrible and I wish it had never happened because they did not deserve it. But my family seems like they can't stand to just let go, I know it was the death of a young teen, but the way they've gone mourning has only made my feeling more negative. SO you're not the only one who feels that way, even if for different reasons.

I suspect is more for show than for genuine reasons ( sorry to say that about your family). We humans tend to react to situations in a way because that is how it is done, than because we are feeling the pain!

I can imagine how you feel, since you are living and their off spring and having huge issues, but perhaps it is called: familiarity and they have something new to concentrate on and thus....!

 

[Progster]

I'm the same way. I don't feel any emotion inside, I feel numb and detached, as though it were all happening somewhere else. I don't cry, but I think about the person a lot. I sometimes wonder whether at funerals people are genuinely crying because they are upset, or whether they are faking it to keep up appearances. I'm not very good at comforting people, and the tension gets to me after a while, makes me feel very tired and I want to be alone.