Dealing with extreme loneliness

[Hypnalis]

I just read another post on here where someone was complaining that her boyfriend was trying to change her. This seemed to have upset her and other people on here very much. I am not looking to change anyone. This does not mean I would have a relationship with anyone. But I would never try to change someone.

This is "adaptive deflection": you're navigating around my argument rather than facing it.

It's an indicator that you're more interested in avoiding change than you are in achieving your stated objective.

Your choice of course, but FWIW: it's very hard to escape a prison you created for yourself and entered willingly.

 

[BrianWV39]

This is "adaptive deflection": you're navigating around my argument rather than facing it.

It's an indicator that you're more interested in avoiding change than you are in achieving your stated objective.

Your choice of course, but FWIW: it's very hard to escape a prison you created for yourself and entered willingly.

Thanks like I said right now I am so lonely that I would prefer bad advice to no advice.

Thank you so very much

 

[Wizardry]

I know you said you have never been in a relationship before. I am curious though if you are still trying for a relationship?

I'm not taking proactive steps to look for a relationship at the moment because I don't feel like I'm in a position where making the effort to do so would be likely to get me the results I want.

I put on a lot of weight last year and I'm now the heaviest I've been in my life, so I'm going to probably be moderately to significantly less physically attractive to most women until I start getting some traction with weight loss and changing dietary habits.

I'm also emotionally flat pretty much all the time, and my motivation and ability to experience reward are low, so it's hard to connect with people in general unless the conversation is intellectual, about ideas or current events, or centred around humour and jokes that appeal to my sense of humour. I'm not confident in my ability to emotionally connect with people even under the best of circumstances. I also don't do much in my free time other than browse the net on my phone in bed, which doesn't give me a whole lot to talk about with a date.

My ultimate goal is still to form a romantic relationship with a compatible woman, but I think the better approach is to work on improving the structure of my life such that I'm in a better position overall, and by extension, a better position to date. That means changing dietary habits, at least starting to lose weight, creating more structure in my life and relying on routine rather than motivation to get me out of the house and doing things more.

Once I think I'm in a better position to appeal to women I'd be attracted to, and have mutually enjoyable dates with them, I'll revisit the dating coach content I bought lifetime access to, and from there, I'll start making more proactive efforts to try and meet women. That's the plan anyway.

 

[BrianWV39]

I'm not taking proactive steps to look for a relationship at the moment because I don't feel like I'm in a position where making the effort to do so would be likely to get me the results I want.

I put on a lot of weight last year and I'm now the heaviest I've been in my life, so I'm going to probably be moderately to significantly less physically attractive to most women until I start getting some traction with weight loss and changing dietary habits.

I'm also emotionally flat pretty much all the time, and my motivation and ability to experience reward are low, so it's hard to connect with people in general unless the conversation is intellectual, about ideas or current events, or centred around humour and jokes that appeal to my sense of humour. I'm not confident in my ability to emotionally connect with people even under the best of circumstances. I also don't do much in my free time other than browse the net on my phone in bed, which doesn't give me a whole lot to talk about with a date.

My ultimate goal is still to form a romantic relationship with a compatible woman, but I think the better approach is to work on improving the structure of my life such that I'm in a better position overall, and by extension, a better position to date. That means changing dietary habits, at least starting to lose weight, creating more structure in my life and relying on routine rather than motivation to get me out of the house and doing things more.

Once I think I'm in a better position to appeal to women I'd be attracted to, and have mutually enjoyable dates with them, I'll revisit the dating coach content I bought lifetime access to, and from there, I'll start making more proactive efforts to try and meet women. That's the plan anyway.

 

[Azeth]

I've been doing some thinking about this and I think I owe a major apology, @BrianWV39.

I realize that I may actually understand where you are coming from more than I've allowed myself to think. More so in having profound loneliness. Though I have never understood the obsession with trying to find a relationship and the hardship it ensues. This disconnect is more so my fault, due to my habitual isolationism and self-deprecation.

I can say that I have been profoundly in pain emotionally due to some deep factors. Namely in my idea of not being parentally loved. At least in my perspective. And I acknowledge that this viewpoint is fundamentally flawed. My issues I think stem from ideations of feeling abandoned. That if I don't get a certain kind of attention or make mistakes, I feel abandoned and unwanted.

I think I've never understood relationships, because I never allowed myself to love, not just others, but myself. So my concept of it is... limited. Then add my self-deprecation on top. I tend to believe I don't deserve it and will avoid it at all costs. I don't just mean love from a SO, but also platonic love of friends and family.

So I get how feeling alone and isolated feels. It hurts. It hurts more now that I am learning to face my own issues. I use to be so numb to it all for a good period of time.

I am also working to revive my drive to do anything as a person. Find a job, hobbies, personal experiences. Learn things. I wish I was exaggerating.

In short. I don't have the experience, nor the tools, to say anything useful or helpful. But instead. This has gotten me to learn more about where I am lacking, in contrast.

 

[Matthias]

I am not asking anyone else to change for me. I will fully accept someone as they come. I am not a believer in a person improving oneself. I accept people as they come. So I am just looking for the right person

Not wanting to improve yourself if a big problem as it often takes people in your situation years of self-improvement before they are ready/good enough for a relationship. Expect little or no interest and only from others who have major problems.

Is there a reason you don't want to get better? I think most will assume laziness or stubbornness, which are considered quite undesirable in relationships.

I just read another post on here where someone was complaining that her boyfriend was trying to change her. This seemed to have upset her and other people on here very much. I am not looking to change anyone. This does not mean I would have a relationship with anyone. But I would never try to change someone.

The problem was her boyfriend telling her she needed to get rid of her autism, something many people here believe is genetic and part of who they are. That's equivalent to telling someone they need to become a different person, not just improve themselves.

 

[Wizardry]

Not wanting to improve yourself if a big problem as it often takes people in your situation years of self-improvement before they are ready/good enough for a relationship. Expect little or no interest and only from others who have major problems.

Is there a reason you don't want to get better? I think most will assume laziness or stubbornness, which are considered quite undesirable in relationships.

I agree that OP is severely limiting his options with his current approach such that his prospects are poor as things currently stand, but I don't think it necessarily has to take years of self-improvement for OP to become "good enough" for a relationship. Dating outcomes are not meritocratic, they're probabilistic. The more OP has going for him to make himself an appealing romantic prospect, the more opportunities he gives himself to meet women in contexts where he can showcase his attractive qualities, and the better his dating skills are in terms of establishing mutual emotional connections with women, deciphering non-verbal interest cues and proactively escalating interactions towards something romantic, the higher his chances are of achieving dating success.

I'm curious if there's anything specific that you think OP needs to work on that would take years. The way I see it, if OP had a job where he earned enough to sustain himself financially, he was willing to work on his shyness and social skills, he was willing to diversify his approach to make connections and meet women in real-life contexts as well, and he honed his cognitive empathy skills to gain a better view of what is likely to appeal to women and why they tend to choose the partners they choose, his odds of dating success would improve significantly. I don't think this would have to take years.

The problem was her boyfriend telling her she needed to get rid of her autism, something many people here believe is genetic and part of who they are. That's equivalent to telling someone they need to become a different person, not just improve themselves.

Yes, in that case, the woman in question had successfully managed to get into a relationship, but with a partner who wanted her to change in ways that aren't realistic.

Whether we like it or not, there tend to be differences between the standards for succeeding at dating for heterosexual men and heterosexual women. Physical, mental and emotional connection matter for both genders, but men need to be able to take the initiative and escalate as part of the male dating role, as well as generally being able to "pull their own weight" financially and "sell themselves" as an appealing dating prospect. Women tend to need only be at least moderately physically attractive and put themselves out there and some men will be interested in giving them a chance.

Where men may struggle getting any interest at all, women more commonly struggle with getting kinds of interest they don't want or interest from men they aren't interested in rather than no interest at all.

As I'm writing this, it feels sexist, but that's because the reality probably is sexist. If everything about OP was exactly the same except he was a heterosexual woman of an equivalent physical attractiveness level to how he looks as a man, OP probably would have had many more dating opportunities throughout his life and wouldn't be judged as harshly for insisting that a partner accept him as he is.

If I'm wrong about this, I would love to know why.

 

[velociraptor]

I feel like I am in a waiting stage of my life. I am trying to cope with my loneliness long enough to get a girlfriend and try and start building the interests and corners of my life back. I am so very lonely.

You need to get out from behind a screen and do real things with real people in real life. Or you can sit behind a screen lonely until you die. Those are your two realistic choices.

Bow River Float 01

I am terrified of water because I technically drowned and died once in it. I still go paddle boarding on rivers because I am damned if I am going to get pwned by something silly. I can and WILL do things I am afraid of. That also includes meeting people, which I am also averse to.

I joined a Facebook group for local paddle boarders. I went on some river floats. I made some good friends. They are still friends and we still do things together. I have been hit on and asked for dates three times on these outings despite the prominent wedding band in three cases and both the wedding band and my wife being present in one case. This is also despite the fact I look nothing like Fabio.

None of this would have happened if I had not gone out and Done The Things. Time to put down the computer mouse and leave your house, d00d.

 

[BrianWV39]

I've been doing some thinking about this and I think I owe a major apology, @BrianWV39.

I realize that I may actually understand where you are coming from more than I've allowed myself to think. More so in having profound loneliness. Though I have never understood the obsession with trying to find a relationship and the hardship it ensues. This disconnect is more so my fault, due to my habitual isolationism and self-deprecation.

I can say that I have been profoundly in pain emotionally due to some deep factors. Namely in my idea of not being parentally loved. At least in my perspective. And I acknowledge that this viewpoint is fundamentally flawed. My issues I think stem from ideations of feeling abandoned. That if I don't get a certain kind of attention or make mistakes, I feel abandoned and unwanted.

I think I've never understood relationships, because I never allowed myself to love, not just others, but myself. So my concept of it is... limited. Then add my self-deprecation on top. I tend to believe I don't deserve it and will avoid it at all costs. I don't just mean love from a SO, but also platonic love of friends and family.

So I get how feeling alone and isolated feels. It hurts. It hurts more now that I am learning to face my own issues. I use to be so numb to it all for a good period of time.

I am also working to revive my drive to do anything as a person. Find a job, hobbies, personal experiences. Learn things. I wish I was exaggerating.

In short. I don't have the experience, nor the tools, to say anything useful or helpful. But instead. This has gotten me to learn more about where I am lacking, in contrast.

You never need to apologize to me. That I can assure you. But thank you so very much for sharing. And I am sorry. Like I said as far as I am concerned, you are more than fine, thank you so very much.

 

[BrianWV39]

Not wanting to improve yourself if a big problem as it often takes people in your situation years of self-improvement before they are ready/good enough for a relationship. Expect little or no interest and only from others who have major problems.

Is there a reason you don't want to get better? I think most will assume laziness or stubbornness, which are considered quite undesirable in relationships.


The problem was her boyfriend telling her she needed to get rid of her autism, something many people here believe is genetic and part of who they are. That's equivalent to telling someone they need to become a different person, not just improve themselves.

I like me

 

[Matthias]

I agree that OP is severely limiting his options with his current approach such that his prospects are poor as things currently stand, but I don't think it necessarily has to take years of self-improvement for OP to become "good enough" for a relationship. Dating outcomes are not meritocratic, they're probabilistic. The more OP has going for him to make himself an appealing romantic prospect, the more opportunities he gives himself to meet women in contexts where he can showcase his attractive qualities, and the better his dating skills are in terms of establishing mutual emotional connections with women, deciphering non-verbal interest cues and proactively escalating interactions towards something romantic, the higher his chances are of achieving dating success.

I'm curious if there's anything specific that you think OP needs to work on that would take years. The way I see it, if OP had a job where he earned enough to sustain himself financially, he was willing to work on his shyness and social skills, he was willing to diversify his approach to make connections and meet women in real-life contexts as well, and he honed his cognitive empathy skills to gain a better view of what is likely to appeal to women and why they tend to choose the partners they choose, his odds of dating success would improve significantly. I don't think this would have to take years.


Yes, in that case, the woman in question had successfully managed to get into a relationship, but with a partner who wanted her to change in ways that aren't realistic.

Whether we like it or not, there tend to be differences between the standards for succeeding at dating for heterosexual men and heterosexual women. Physical, mental and emotional connection matter for both genders, but men need to be able to take the initiative and escalate as part of the male dating role, as well as generally being able to "pull their own weight" financially and "sell themselves" as an appealing dating prospect. Women tend to need only be at least moderately physically attractive and put themselves out there and some men will be interested in giving them a chance.

Where men may struggle getting any interest at all, women more commonly struggle with getting kinds of interest they don't want or interest from men they aren't interested in rather than no interest at all.

As I'm writing this, it feels sexist, but that's because the reality probably is sexist. If everything about OP was exactly the same except he was a heterosexual woman of an equivalent physical attractiveness level to how he looks as a man, OP probably would have had many more dating opportunities throughout his life and wouldn't be judged as harshly for insisting that a partner accept him as he is.

If I'm wrong about this, I would love to know why.

I think it takes everyone years to prepare themselves for a relationship. For many people, this preparation occurred when they were a child. Their parents helped them understand emotions, regulate their emotions, perceive the world accurately, understand why people act a certain way, what others want in relationships, form healthy thinking patterns, and disciplined them to help build their character. For those whose parents took a hands off approach (aka neglect), this work needs to be done when a person becomes an adult, which is more difficult than learning as a child.

Additionally, when people have perceived the world the same way and thought the same way for decades, it can be hard to get them to change their inaccurate beliefs and unhelpful ways of thinking. They tend to interpret everything to make it conform to their existing beliefs, which increases resistance to change. Unfortunately, they also become comfortable with themselves, seeing their flaws as part of who they are, which makes them less willing to work to improve themselves.

I think the biggest issue for @BrianWV39 right now is that he doesn't want to get better.

 

[Tired]

I won't be surprised if Brian finds in the future some narcissist woman who will use and abuse him while being his "savior," seeing how desperate he is.

 

[Hypnalis]

I won't be surprised if Brian finds in the future some narcissist woman who will use and abuse him while being his "savior," seeing how desperate he is.

See the Captain America clip above.

Except it would be "She's out of line, she's wrong, and she's not being polite" /lol.

I think you should remove your post.