Dealing with extreme loneliness

[Hypnalis]

I just read another post on here where someone was complaining that her boyfriend was trying to change her. This seemed to have upset her and other people on here very much. I am not looking to change anyone. This does not mean I would have a relationship with anyone. But I would never try to change someone.

This is "adaptive deflection": you're navigating around my argument rather than facing it.

It's an indicator that you're more interested in avoiding change than you are in achieving your stated objective.

Your choice of course, but FWIW: it's very hard to escape a prison you created for yourself and entered willingly.

 

[BrianWV39]

This is "adaptive deflection": you're navigating around my argument rather than facing it.

It's an indicator that you're more interested in avoiding change than you are in achieving your stated objective.

Your choice of course, but FWIW: it's very hard to escape a prison you created for yourself and entered willingly.

Thanks like I said right now I am so lonely that I would prefer bad advice to no advice.

Thank you so very much

 

[Wizardry]

I know you said you have never been in a relationship before. I am curious though if you are still trying for a relationship?

I'm not taking proactive steps to look for a relationship at the moment because I don't feel like I'm in a position where making the effort to do so would be likely to get me the results I want.

I put on a lot of weight last year and I'm now the heaviest I've been in my life, so I'm going to probably be moderately to significantly less physically attractive to most women until I start getting some traction with weight loss and changing dietary habits.

I'm also emotionally flat pretty much all the time, and my motivation and ability to experience reward are low, so it's hard to connect with people in general unless the conversation is intellectual, about ideas or current events, or centred around humour and jokes that appeal to my sense of humour. I'm not confident in my ability to emotionally connect with people even under the best of circumstances. I also don't do much in my free time other than browse the net on my phone in bed, which doesn't give me a whole lot to talk about with a date.

My ultimate goal is still to form a romantic relationship with a compatible woman, but I think the better approach is to work on improving the structure of my life such that I'm in a better position overall, and by extension, a better position to date. That means changing dietary habits, at least starting to lose weight, creating more structure in my life and relying on routine rather than motivation to get me out of the house and doing things more.

Once I think I'm in a better position to appeal to women I'd be attracted to, and have mutually enjoyable dates with them, I'll revisit the dating coach content I bought lifetime access to, and from there, I'll start making more proactive efforts to try and meet women. That's the plan anyway.

 

[BrianWV39]

I'm not taking proactive steps to look for a relationship at the moment because I don't feel like I'm in a position where making the effort to do so would be likely to get me the results I want.

I put on a lot of weight last year and I'm now the heaviest I've been in my life, so I'm going to probably be moderately to significantly less physically attractive to most women until I start getting some traction with weight loss and changing dietary habits.

I'm also emotionally flat pretty much all the time, and my motivation and ability to experience reward are low, so it's hard to connect with people in general unless the conversation is intellectual, about ideas or current events, or centred around humour and jokes that appeal to my sense of humour. I'm not confident in my ability to emotionally connect with people even under the best of circumstances. I also don't do much in my free time other than browse the net on my phone in bed, which doesn't give me a whole lot to talk about with a date.

My ultimate goal is still to form a romantic relationship with a compatible woman, but I think the better approach is to work on improving the structure of my life such that I'm in a better position overall, and by extension, a better position to date. That means changing dietary habits, at least starting to lose weight, creating more structure in my life and relying on routine rather than motivation to get me out of the house and doing things more.

Once I think I'm in a better position to appeal to women I'd be attracted to, and have mutually enjoyable dates with them, I'll revisit the dating coach content I bought lifetime access to, and from there, I'll start making more proactive efforts to try and meet women. That's the plan anyway.

 

[Azeth]

I've been doing some thinking about this and I think I owe a major apology, @BrianWV39.

I realize that I may actually understand where you are coming from more than I've allowed myself to think. More so in having profound loneliness. Though I have never understood the obsession with trying to find a relationship and the hardship it ensues. This disconnect is more so my fault, due to my habitual isolationism and self-deprecation.

I can say that I have been profoundly in pain emotionally due to some deep factors. Namely in my idea of not being parentally loved. At least in my perspective. And I acknowledge that this viewpoint is fundamentally flawed. My issues I think stem from ideations of feeling abandoned. That if I don't get a certain kind of attention or make mistakes, I feel abandoned and unwanted.

I think I've never understood relationships, because I never allowed myself to love, not just others, but myself. So my concept of it is... limited. Then add my self-deprecation on top. I tend to believe I don't deserve it and will avoid it at all costs. I don't just mean love from a SO, but also platonic love of friends and family.

So I get how feeling alone and isolated feels. It hurts. It hurts more now that I am learning to face my own issues. I use to be so numb to it all for a good period of time.

I am also working to revive my drive to do anything as a person. Find a job, hobbies, personal experiences. Learn things. I wish I was exaggerating.

In short. I don't have the experience, nor the tools, to say anything useful or helpful. But instead. This has gotten me to learn more about where I am lacking, in contrast.

 

[Matthias]

I am not asking anyone else to change for me. I will fully accept someone as they come. I am not a believer in a person improving oneself. I accept people as they come. So I am just looking for the right person

Not wanting to improve yourself if a big problem as it often takes people in your situation years of self-improvement before they are ready/good enough for a relationship. Expect little or no interest and only from others who have major problems.

Is there a reason you don't want to get better? I think most will assume laziness or stubbornness, which are considered quite undesirable in relationships.

I just read another post on here where someone was complaining that her boyfriend was trying to change her. This seemed to have upset her and other people on here very much. I am not looking to change anyone. This does not mean I would have a relationship with anyone. But I would never try to change someone.

The problem was her boyfriend telling her she needed to get rid of her autism, something many people here believe is genetic and part of who they are. That's equivalent to telling someone they need to become a different person, not just improve themselves.