Dealing with Emotionally Balanced People

MyEverChangingMoods · Nov 4, 2021

Apologies in advance for the long post...

So I found out last night that my sister has thyroid cancer. Other than obviously hoping that she doesn't die, this is causing me some stress for the following reasons:

I don't know how to be there for her emotionally. I have said she can come round, leave the kids with me, chat etc if she needs it, because I know these are the sorts of things people say (and I assume want to hear?). And I mean that. But I can only be objective about the situation. I can't relate to it as I've never been in her situation and there's nothing I can do about it, so I can't fully empathise. I don't really feel sadness or happiness generally so I feel like I'm out of place with this scenario. I know it's bad news and I would like to change it, but I don't really 'feel' much.

Tied in with this is that I know people expect me to have a range of emotions about this issue or at least be at a certain emotional level. I was going round my uncle's house tomorrow, and he's just rang me to say it's still on (he knows about the diagnosis). This has really angered me and I am desperate not to go because I can't be at the emotional level they would expect.

I am completely emotionally deadpan apart from bursts of anger. After my sister's diagnosis people are expecting me to react emotionally which I just can't do. This is a bit of a unique situation where I am expected to be social, but also miserable and worried. I don't know how to behave in order for them to accept me.

I didn't feel I could say I wasn't going because I just couldn't find a way to say it without sounding like a %*@!. I mean, in reality, I am what they would call a %*@!. I can't imagine them understanding if I was honest about why I don't want to go and I can't risk making something up without the emotions to back it up.

I wasn't looking forward to it anyway because they don't suspect me as autistic and I don't feel close to them. Like most people I have had to mask with them all my life. But usually, I would just get drunk and try to crack a load of jokes to hide the fact that there is very little going on in terms of human connection for me. But now I've no idea what to do.

Can anyone relate to this, and does anyone have any thoughts about how I might approach this to avoid upsetting anyone or being judged/hated by my family?

Suzette · Nov 4, 2021

I can definately relate. My mistake early in life was try try to make myself appear to be what others expected of me. The better appraoch is to simply not engage fear mongers, nay sayers or anyone one else who wants to drag you into their drama.

And let's be honest here, there are only a few people that this news will affect most deeply. Being the person who does not fall apart or wallow in emotions is a strength. Critics of your emotions who think you *should* express their version of drama are not helpful to you or your sister.

My script for you: "Thank you for your concern. I know my sister will appreciate it. If you have any suggestions to help the family I will gladly pass your ideas on."

The idea here is to not engage. Simply ignore all efforts to drag you into bizarre productions. This answer is gracious, non confrontational and gives the impression (which is probably true) that you are not losing your head and are keeping focused.

Thinx · Nov 4, 2021

Sorry to hear about your sister's illness. Got to be honest and say that after such news, I would give my apologies and not attend a social event. If she was also attending, I would make sure my sister understood that I am OK but obviously upset about her not being well, and can't face a social event just now.

They are very good at treating cancers now, so I hope things will improve for her and that she will be getting effective treatment and help now the cancer has been diagnosed. It is great you offered her help and are supportive, that's good of you, I am sure she appreciates you.

MyEverChangingMoods · Nov 4, 2021

Thanks for your support both. She is facing it head on. To be honest if it was me who was ill I wouldn't want people moping about around me so maybe you are right that it is better for me not get too emotional, I think that's what she wants. She said she wants to be 'normal and deal with it'.

It's just other people I think are looking for me to seem outwardly upset and it's tough to explain to people that you don't have that capability, because they would naturally assume it's because you don't care about other people, which isn't the same thing. I think it's definitely best if I don't see the wider family for a few weeks so yeh I might postpone the thing at my uncles.

Hypnalis · Nov 4, 2021

Some thoughts if you attend:

Are you sure people want an openly emotional reaction from you?
I've described below what I do in these situations.

Your responsibility is only to your sister. What you owe her is something I think you want to give - real sympathy and a genuine offer to help where you can.

This can be delivered with a hug and a sentence or two (which you can prepare if you like).

I suggest you don't treat it as a speech or a performance for the others. Of course this is very culturally dependent, so perhaps it's not something you can do. But if you have a choice I suggest you make it between the two of you.
A close dependent (spouse, adult child) might reasonably expect something personal too, but you can use a version of the same words.

You owe the other people there normal politeness of course, but not a show.

I won't try to give you the words, but content-wise:

You're very sorry to hear about your sister's illness
You'll do whatever you can to help her get through this
- NB: Don't add details to this at the time unless your sister asks. You don't have to discuss it with others

You're not obliged to ask about medical details, but you should listen if they're volunteered.

The same is true with other people. Some people like to discuss serious medical stuff, but plenty of NT people can't do that, so you don't have to.

Yeshuasdaughter · Nov 4, 2021

I might have a unique perspective on this.

It's not the people who weep and make a big show that really make an impact. Although it is so incredible to see people come out of the woodwork, and learning how much they really care.

But it is the people who treat love like the verb it is, and they come visit, or do the dishes, maybe take my daughter out, wash the laundry, bring a meal, give rides places, the ones who sat with me and watched the nurse put the IV for the chemo in, and even stayed there when I was passed out for hours.

Ask her if she needs anything. She will probably say no and that she's fine. Go over to her house. Take a look at the pile of dishes in the sink. Check the fridge. Look at the carpet. Be the pragmatic one that can be mind over matter, and really makes a difference. That's what she'll remember most.

Love is something you do. Don't worry about whether or not you can outwardly express the feelings inside. Don't worry about being there for your relatives. They're fine. Be there for your sissy.

Fino · Nov 4, 2021

I can't tell what the problem is. And how do you know about all these expectations? They sound imaginary. Maybe there's more you didn't get a chance to say, but just from this it sounds like there is no issue here. Just keep being alive. Are you sure anyone cares about your reactions and other silly things? Are they really that obsessed with you?

Yeshuasdaughter · Nov 5, 2021

Here is something you can do for your sister. Refer her to Cleaning for a Reason. They send in professional maids to clean the person's house while they're in cancer treatment. I don't remember how many times, but it was several. Cleaning for a Reason – Free house cleaning for cancer patients

Progster · Nov 5, 2021

MyEverChangingMoods said:
I don't know how to be there for her emotionally. I have said she can come round, leave the kids with me, chat etc if she needs it, because I know these are the sorts of things people say (and I assume want to hear?). And I mean that.

That is helpful. I had a cancer diagnosis about 5 years ago, and what helped me was people offering practical help and distractions from the situation. Emotional displays - especially fake ones - are just awkward and aren't helpful to the cancer patient.

SDRSpark · Nov 5, 2021

I totally relate. I have been there in other situations (expected to feel or react a certain way and couldn't) and felt like an alien or a monster because of it.

For example I tend to avoid funerals because I just can't do it. I'm not on the same level they are, and to me the whole ordeal is just an exercise in obligatory histrionics. (It doesn't help that some of my relatives really ARE into histrionics.)

On the other hand, friends who know and accept this about me actually seek me out when they want/need actual practical advice on things (like when a friend of mine needed spine surgery - rather than all the "toxic positive" nonsense everyone else was telling her, I launched into a spiel about the various surgical techniques and advancements lol).

Aneka · Nov 5, 2021

MyEverChangingMoods said:
Apologies in advance for the long post...

So I found out last night that my sister has thyroid cancer. Other than obviously hoping that she doesn't die, this is causing me some stress for the following reasons:

I don't know how to be there for her emotionally. I have said she can come round, leave the kids with me, chat etc if she needs it, because I know these are the sorts of things people say (and I assume want to hear?). And I mean that. But I can only be objective about the situation. I can't relate to it as I've never been in her situation and there's nothing I can do about it, so I can't fully empathise. I don't really feel sadness or happiness generally so I feel like I'm out of place with this scenario. I know it's bad news and I would like to change it, but I don't really 'feel' much.

Tied in with this is that I know people expect me to have a range of emotions about this issue or at least be at a certain emotional level. I was going round my uncle's house tomorrow, and he's just rang me to say it's still on (he knows about the diagnosis). This has really angered me and I am desperate not to go because I can't be at the emotional level they would expect.

I am completely emotionally deadpan apart from bursts of anger. After my sister's diagnosis people are expecting me to react emotionally which I just can't do. This is a bit of a unique situation where I am expected to be social, but also miserable and worried. I don't know how to behave in order for them to accept me.

I didn't feel I could say I wasn't going because I just couldn't find a way to say it without sounding like a %*@!. I mean, in reality, I am what they would call a %*@!. I can't imagine them understanding if I was honest about why I don't want to go and I can't risk making something up without the emotions to back it up.

I wasn't looking forward to it anyway because they don't suspect me as autistic and I don't feel close to them. Like most people I have had to mask with them all my life. But usually, I would just get drunk and try to crack a load of jokes to hide the fact that there is very little going on in terms of human connection for me. But now I've no idea what to do.

Can anyone relate to this, and does anyone have any thoughts about how I might approach this to avoid upsetting anyone or being judged/hated by my family?

Actually, questioning emotional responses and thinking about appropriate behaviour makes you a very empathic person.
Many people just avoid someone who's sick simply because they don't know how to deal with it- and some people just don't want to be near 'misery'.

You're kind, you're thoughtful, you have offered to babysit, you've done the right thing. Be proud of yourself and stop questioning yourself.

Just be the shoulder to lean on for your sister and be sure to maintain regular face-to-face contact. It will help her pull through.

Pieceofmind · Nov 5, 2021

I would just decline to go respectfully and make up something that is actually true but isn't the reason they won't understand because I'm the same way with things like this. I just don't have much to express in the way they would find acceptable. I'm just not able to do that song and dance the way everyone is expected to and if I went I would end up offending people even more just by being me. It's a lose/lose really. I like the suggestion of being there for the person up there and not the family, that makes a lot more sense.

Aspychata · Nov 6, 2021