Dating sucks. I have very high standards.

[Supermagnaman]

I was married from 19 to 26, dated well during my late 20's.and was married again at 30. And then again, divorced 6 years later. I had a 2 year relationship that I felt was amazing. But they lies, and betrayal ended that.
3.5 years later , I am still single. Not trusting of women, and guarded. And I have set my standards high.
With my social anxiety and aspergers disorder, it is very hard for me to start a conversation with someone new.
Internet dating is a joke. And I refuse to pay for a dating site. Few friends with no different singles female friends. So. Where do I go?
I feel the most alone, and helpless when I think of being alone forever. I have met girls from Craigslist, pof, oqcupied,and other dating sites. But, not even a Mach. And when I recived messages from female users on the sights. The look like trolls, and just one more attack on my self esteem.

 

[Marmot]

I hate to say this, but even with the divorces and everything: It sounds like you've had it better (ie: more and longer lasting relationships) than most guys on here.......

 

[Myway]

You're fine. Don't be so hard on yourself. Stay your course. You'll be fine is you don't try too many fancy things.

 

[ChrisC1983]

i need to agree with Marmot.. atleast for myself (1 relationship around age 22, lasted 1yr.. nothing since then and nothing before really. 1 girl i dated for about a week when i was 17ish and she was a nut).. i'm 32 now btw

look at it this way.. you had 3 major long term relationships. you found those 3 people somehow.. you'll find them again. take them as learning experiences. i know "just talking to people" can be impossible.. i have no idea how to open a conversation with people to save my life. i could probably talk somebody off of a roof but i don't know what to say after "hi" to your average person in an average public setting. whatever you did before worked 3 times for you... look back on it and try to figure it out. then try to figure out the type of girl you want.. not just " i want a nice girl" (don't we all?) but shared interests.. things you two can do together and stuff you can talk about instantly (i like antiques.. it's tough finding a single girl in her 30's who likes antiques... single 60yr old? no problem lol) so that way you can open a conversation about a topic that interests you (and her) instantly. i can't promise the first girl you meet will be "the one" but just getting back in the loop will give you the confidence to accept her rejection and keep looking for somebody.

nobody should be alone in this world if they don't want to be

 

[shinkansen]

With my social anxiety and aspergers disorder, it is very hard for me to start a conversation with someone new.

Think this is a difficult subject. Conversations are fine. It's just when the conversation moves to chatting-up / making the next move. I can feel my stomach going tense. Clueless.

I feel the most alone, and helpless when I think of being alone forever.

Never been in a relationship *. Couldn't cope with intimacy or shared experiences. So focus on the things which you like doing. You have to make yourself happy first.

* = part from a few weeks about 6 years ago. I couldn't cope and ran off.

 

[midlife aspie]

i need to agree with Marmot.. atleast for myself (1 relationship around age 22, lasted 1yr.. nothing since then and nothing before really. 1 girl i dated for about a week when i was 17ish and she was a nut).. i'm 32 now btw

look at it this way.. you had 3 major long term relationships. you found those 3 people somehow.. you'll find them again. take them as learning experiences. i know "just talking to people" can be impossible.. i have no idea how to open a conversation with people to save my life. i could probably talk somebody off of a roof but i don't know what to say after "hi" to your average person in an average public setting. whatever you did before worked 3 times for you... look back on it and try to figure it out. then try to figure out the type of girl you want.. not just " i want a nice girl" (don't we all?) but shared interests.. things you two can do together and stuff you can talk about instantly (i like antiques.. it's tough finding a single girl in her 30's who likes antiques... single 60yr old? no problem lol) so that way you can open a conversation about a topic that interests you (and her) instantly. i can't promise the first girl you meet will be "the one" but just getting back in the loop will give you the confidence to accept her rejection and keep looking for somebody.

nobody should be alone in this world if they don't want to be

Have you tried looking in flea markets and antique malls? I see very pretty young women all the time at our local 3rd Sunday Market. Many of them are alone or with girlfriends.

 

[ancusmitis]

Sorry, but I can't see the logic in going to places where people are not looking for a relationship and then trying to get into a relationship while you're there. I mean seriously, just because someone is female and in the same spot as you are doesn't mean she's looking for a boyfriend.

 

[eonbus]

high standards doesnt exist for me. i just have trust issues.

 

[midlife aspie]

Sorry, but I can't see the logic in going to places where people are not looking for a relationship and then trying to get into a relationship while you're there. I mean seriously, just because someone is female and in the same spot as you are doesn't mean she's looking for a boyfriend.

Where would people 'looking' for a relationship go specifically? From what I have seen and heard, relationships are rarely actively sought, but are the result of the right mix of circumstances and 'chemistry'. Naturally,few people of either sex go out and openly advertise that they want a relationship. To meet and make acquaintances with people should be the first goal, and that can happen anywhere, anytime. The problem with us Aspies is our lack of ability to connect. Picking up on the VERY subtle signals that a woman might be interested in a relationship are difficult even for 'normal' people.

 

[ChrisC1983]

Have you tried looking in flea markets and antique malls? I see very pretty young women all the time at our local 3rd Sunday Market. Many of them are alone or with girlfriends.

i'll talk to anybody who talks to me.. usually even if it's just a busy isle i'll atleast say something like "sorry" and have a little giggle as i try to get around them.. but that's my extent of interaction without more on their part. also around here most girls go with their boyfriends or a group of friends (and any group will keep me away)... or they're my parents age. not that i wouldn't mind just having a friend but ultimately i know the rest of my life as it stands now. i take care of dad until he dies (which at this point won't be more than a few years or less).. then mom and my aunt (not sure which will go first, guessing mom).. and i'll probably be helping dads (by then ex cuz he's dead) girlfriend because she's the youngest but is starting on a few problems and she doesn't have the money to fix her house or the knowledge/time to do it herself and she's just as stubborn as dad sometimes........ and with any luck i'll die soon after that because i'll be into my 60s or atleast late 50s and had been alone for 30ish years with no real work (can't work when people who should be in a hospital are not... my head won't let me. even if i left the house right now all i'd be thinking about is how to stay close by incase dad calls and i'd rush over no matter what he called for.. it's a circle..). i can float away and cut all communication and come back whenever... but i can't have any communication at all from anybody because then i'll just stay worried. but that means i can't live near any family, can't answer my phone, can't use facebook.. and it would still be a little while for me to be OK with floating off like that

Sorry, but I can't see the logic in going to places where people are not looking for a relationship and then trying to get into a relationship while you're there. I mean seriously, just because someone is female and in the same spot as you are doesn't mean she's looking for a boyfriend.

extend the idea a bit (for logic reasons)... a relationship could just be a friend thing. but eitherway if you want to even be friends with somebody, it's easiest to have a topic of conversation when surrounded by a mutual interest. so the place itself is the interest. like how some guys actually enjoy ballet and dancing for example.. a coffee shop isn't the best place to open a conversation about how he enjoys ballet. but, a ballet class? fantastic place to talk about it. especially since that guy is probably the only guys in the room lol. so it's an instant conversation which may or may not build into something more, but i can bet he doesn't have a lot of friends who enjoy ballet. not trying to sway anything just explaining logic

 

[ancusmitis]

extend the idea a bit (for logic reasons)... a relationship could just be a friend thing. but eitherway if you want to even be friends with somebody, it's easiest to have a topic of conversation when surrounded by a mutual interest. so the place itself is the interest. like how some guys actually enjoy ballet and dancing for example.. a coffee shop isn't the best place to open a conversation about how he enjoys ballet. but, a ballet class? fantastic place to talk about it. especially since that guy is probably the only guys in the room lol. so it's an instant conversation which may or may not build into something more, but i can bet he doesn't have a lot of friends who enjoy ballet. not trying to sway anything just explaining logic

Yes, you can certainly find someone to start a conversation with, and that's a worthwhile goal. I should clarify, I don't think that you should not be on the lookout for relationship potential, and maybe you will even meet someone who has it. But it's important to understand that most of those interactions are not going to result in any long-term relationships, and that's okay. In fact, those that do might not be dating or at least shouldn't be. You might work better as friends. You could meet someone and become good friends with them, and they might even be your preferred gender, but there's any of a million other potential incompatibilities. And even if it's not someone you would like to sleep with, they're still worth talking to, but if you start dissing people on the basis of you wouldn't want to sleep with them or they wouldn't sleep with you, that can be a turn off even for people who would ordinarily be interested. So go there for a nice chat, yes. Go there to get nooky, no.

 

[eonbus]

there is no such thing as high standards. we maybe have our thinking programmed that way. but otherwise it doesnt exist.