dating someone for about a week now

[paloftoon]

I will be meeting this individual today or tomorrow. We've met two previous days and spent quite a bit of time together- like 7 hours each day.

He's mentioned about getting more serious physically on the first two dates, and I told him I was open to it. It hasn't happened. I don't want to keep hearing about it and it not happening. I don't want to force it either. If I'm waiting like 2 months and nothing has happened, then I will definitely move on.

He seems to be my only option basically. I had a few others, but the communication and meeting in-person isn't there.

I have gotten to kiss him and love his touch a lot too.

There's another guy that I matched with around the same time, and I had a 1.5 hr video chat with him right before my first meeting with this current guy.
I like the video chat guy more, but he changed his name to "taking a break" the day after around the same time I had toggled back and forth with my status being "dating" vs. "single". I spoke to a few friends earlier, and we all agree that I need to leave my status as "single" as it is too early.

 

[kenaij]

I agree to leave your status as 'single'.
You mention not wanting to wait around is he does not make the physical move. Perhaps he is just nervous. There is not rule that says a man should be the one to initiate anything in a relationship. And any that does is a dumb rule.
If he mentions he is willing, and you want it to. You could help him out a little with that first step.

He might be very traditional in his relationships and in the past might have a girl leave when he moved past a certain physical stage. This might make him hesitant to go there with you.

If you know you both want it there is no reason to wait for him. Maybe if you take the next step he is way more comfortable with every step beyond that. What if he feels it as forcing it aswell?

You say you have already kissed him and he has touched you. To me that seems about the right amount of touch for 2 dates. There are many people that have way more dates before they kiss. I went out with my wife for a month (we saw eachother multiple times a week and were often without other people) before we kissed. We then got married after 1,5 or 2 years and had our second child withing 3 years of getting married. So a slow start does not mean slow everything.

 

[paloftoon]

Thank you for your support. The 3rd date, we didn't do much more than kiss. I didn't initiate because I had been initiating a lot, and wanted him to initiate because I knew that I was okay going faster than he was. It did bug me that he talked about wanting to go all the way on the first two dates but then not actually following through. I understand why he didn't want to on the very first date- I told him I was okay with him not doing so but that I would be okay with him doing so as well.
If he didn't talk about a level of physical intensity and that he would be doing it soon, I wouldn't have been thinking about wanting it so soon in particular. But he did go there, so it did frustrate me slightly. If it's like 2 months like this, then I would definitely tell him I can't consider being serious with him at this time.

Another factor for me was that I have more interest in another guy I had a video chat with about the same time I started dating this one. This in-person date mentioned some things in our first two dates that indicated some potential money issues, but I'm not really sure. I didn't ask him in that moment or think about it. So, I have no plans to have a conversation about it unless he brings it up himself first again.

I guess since the 3rd date wasn't so interesting, and Also, since it's been two days so far and he hasn't told me when he is free in reply to when I told him I was free, it makes me feel like I should start looking hard for another person again. He could be just busy or could've missed the text. Time will tell. I'll reach out to him tomorrow or the day after.

I hope to end up with some good friends even if these don't work out to something romantic. Would be nice.

 

[Outdated]

I had toggled back and forth with my status being "dating" vs. "single".

Yes, this will confuse people or make them think you're confused and can't decide what you want.

This in-person date mentioned some things in our first two dates that indicated some potential money issues, but I'm not really sure.

If this shows on a first date then it's probably a red flag.

It did bug me that he talked about wanting to go all the way on the first two dates but then not actually following through.

Also, since it's been two days so far and he hasn't told me when he is free in reply to when I told him I was free, it makes me feel like I should start looking hard for another person again.

He doesn't sound very committed. It doesn't hurt to shop around.

 

[paloftoon]

Yes, this will confuse people or make them think you're confused and can't decide what you want.


If this shows on a first date then it's probably a red flag.




He doesn't sound very committed. It doesn't hurt to shop around.

Before meeting me, we spoke online and he asked me some relatively heavy serious questions early on. In response, I told him I was okay with answering, but not in an online format. That we'd have to do a video chat or meet in-person to start. We were local, and we did a video chat first, and then met in-person afterward. He talked a lot on our first two dates, and I was okay with that even though it did kind of wear on me for him to be talking almost constantly 2 hours straight. He was definitely looking for committed and could see that I was trying for the same too.

The money stuff came out a bit on the 2nd date rather than the first, but yeah it was concerning. He says it's not a problem anymore. I don't know if he has loans and credit card bills to still pay off and such, and I'm nowhere close to asking him that unless he brings it up specifically himself.

 

[Outdated]

What basically happened is that there was gambling with cards at a casino with an expensive entrance fee, and he didn't realize how much he was losing that year until a good friend of his helped him see that. He also sold a home he lived in and owned and now lives with a roommate. Says he prefers living with a roommate, but it sounds like a good way to save some face.

Serious red flags. See if you can find some people that have been married to gamblers to talk to, they are worse than heroin addicts. The will beg, lie, cheat and steal from you all the while telling you how much you mean to them.

I'd continue talking to him just to see where it goes but seriously keep an eye on those flags, and in the meantime have a look around and see if you can't find someone better.

 

[Luca]

Serious red flags. See if you can find some people that have been married to gamblers to talk to, they are worse than heroin addicts. The will beg, lie, cheat and steal from you all the while telling you how much you mean to them.

I'd continue talking to him just to see where it goes but seriously keep an eye on those flags, and in the meantime have a look around and see if you can't find someone better.

I agree.

I had a former friend who had a gambling addiction. One time I gave him some money for gas, because he was supposed to pick me up somewhere that was a bit of a distance away.
He went to a casino and lost the money, and not only that, but he never came to pick me up. I was furious.

I would have normally forgiven someone for something like this if it was like a one-off thing, but this was not by any means the first time it had happened, and leaving me stranded far away while gambling away my money was the nail in the coffin.

And this was just a friendship, I can imagine it would be way worse in a relationship.

I have had too many ex-friends take advantage of me financially, now I see things like this as a red flag as well.

 

[paloftoon]

I did have a friend once who used to have a gambling problem. He didn't tell me outright. It came up after we stopped dating but stayed as decent friends (and benefits too), but not until months after. He would still regularly meetup with other former gamblers at anonymous meetings and he had the support of his family. I was glad to see that he was definitely taking care of himself. He just doesn't gamble at all now. I never saw this with my own eyes, but I took his word for it and never had a reason to not believe him otherwise.



I'm no longer friends with him because he said if I wanted to keep his friendship with him, I would have to start being okay to hang out with his best friend. His best friend was being physically inappropriate with me on several occasions and I stopped wanting to be around him after too much back and forth explanation.

 

[paloftoon]

Serious red flags. See if you can find some people that have been married to gamblers to talk to, they are worse than heroin addicts. The will beg, lie, cheat and steal from you all the while telling you how much you mean to them.

I'd continue talking to him just to see where it goes but seriously keep an eye on those flags, and in the meantime have a look around and see if you can't find someone better.

Since Sunday morning (I sent him a phone text initially after he left), I haven't received an answer to meet again. I asked him over a different format if he receive my message (messenger) and I saw he was logged in a few times. I figure, I can give him a few more days (until Thursday or later), but it seems I'm being ghosted :/ Guess I need to find better, but at least I enjoyed most of the time I did spend with him.

 

[paloftoon]

I got a response from him last night. He says he has been busy with preparing for school, but still no discussion about meeting. So, sounds like I've been friend zoned. I don't think I want to initiate anything unless weeks have passed and it's a group thing where it doesn't matter if he shows up or not. I didn't expect him to even respond. So, I guess that's something. I'd rather he "define the relationship" because it's more honest and not confusing. The fact that I even have to consider being slightly confused like this is not fun, but at least I've probably "dodged a bullet" for myself.

 

[paloftoon]

I wonder if I should just delete Chef guy's contact info. Like unfriend from social media and take his phone number off my phone. I feel awkward contacting him. I don't want to waste my time.
Like I wouldn't be blocking him, but it let's him initiate.

And I don't plan to think about him anymore (if communication is going to be awkward) because maybe I shouldn't?

 

[Outdated]

I've been going through the same "not fun" myself for more than the past month. It's only at the beginning of this week that I finally cut things properly. I've been sleeping a lot better since then.

In my case we were using whatsapp, the conversation has been archived, notifications have been muted and she can no longer see when I was last online or checked messages. She can still phone or email if she wants but I'm hoping she doesn't, I don't need the headaches.

 

[paloftoon]

I've been going through the same "not fun" myself for more than the past month. It's only at the beginning of this week that I finally cut things properly. I've been sleeping a lot better since then.

In my case we were using whatsapp, the conversation has been archived, notifications have been muted and she can no longer see when I was last online or checked messages. She can still phone or email if she wants but I'm hoping she doesn't, I don't need the headaches.

Well, I do "want" the messages in my case, But, only if they continue to result in us meeting in-person and spending time hanging out or doing physically fun stuff.

 

[Outdated]

In my case I'm still incredibly attracted to the lady but logically I know it's only ever going to end in tears. We're both high function and empaths but we also have very different natures.

 

[paloftoon]

If both of you happen to be into casual, then this could work out for that.

 

[Outdated]

If both of you happen to be into casual, then this could work out for that.

Unfortunately we live in different countries, otherwise that would already be happening I think.

 

[paloftoon]

Update: I got contacted by the chef date today and he explained that he was really busy getting ready for school and how his phone calls and being able to call about school issue logistics tied to his limited time after his full time job was really tight. He did definitely seem to understand why I would feel ignored.

It's like I'm still interested, but I'm definitely going to be looking around more presently.

 

[paloftoon]

Still dating this person, but he keeps being avoidant of if he'll do another activity with me and wouldn't tell me his schedule more specifically. I feel like I'm trying to hard and it's making me uncomfortable. I spoke to a few friends and they suggest things to keep the peace and not try to "define the relationship" all at once with "tit for tat". 'Tit for tat" can be more okay spread out rather than all in a day.

It's not a good feeling for me to feel insecure about myself when I am around this person.
Also, people can say it's "only been 3 weeks" and "only been 4 dates" so "it's not supposed to be all that serious". So, I don't know.

 

[Rodafina]

I’m a bit surprised. I had interpreted your last comment as you guys possibly having more space between each other. For me, feeling secure with someone that I am interested in is one of the most important things. When I am feeling insecure, I make decisions and do things that feel pretend and I begin to break down. Authenticity is my most valuable asset that I can offer to a partner.

I guess it all depends on what you’re looking for. Hopefully anyone that you are dating makes you feel good and especially excited in the beginning, because that is when the infatuation gets to happen. Further down the road, things get more complicated. When things start out complicated, sometimes I worry.

 

[paloftoon]

I’m a bit surprised. I had interpreted your last comment as you guys possibly having more space between each other. For me, feeling secure with someone that I am interested in is one of the most important things. When I am feeling insecure, I make decisions and do things that feel pretend and I begin to break down. Authenticity is my most valuable asset that I can offer to a partner.

I guess it all depends on what you’re looking for. Hopefully anyone that you are dating makes you feel good and especially excited in the beginning, because that is when the infatuation gets to happen. Further down the road, things get more complicated. When things start out complicated, sometimes I worry.

Well, I wouldn't say that I am trying to be unauthentic at all. I'm trying to feel him out more to see if maybe he's just busy and a bad communicator. When I talked with other friends, they told me that I need to feel it out more and that it's been a long time since I've been able to date some people. They are telling me that I'm possibly pre-judging too soon.

It seems like I do have a choice at this point to continue or not to continue, and both choices are okay right now.

However, you said something else another person said on another forum- there's a slight leaning more that I need to move on.
I feel like if I move on, I need to be indirect about it at first since that is how he is being with me. And if it drags on, then be direct with him afterward.