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Dating an aspie guy

Re: Hi there

Tapian, There's an author named Rudy Simone. She's got a great book out called: 22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger's Syndrome.
I have read several of her books to help me with my own Aspie issues. She is very well informed and has been helpful to me. You may want to check this one out.
 
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Re: Hi there

Hi thanks all for the heartfelt response. I must say I am rather shocked by some of the lack of sensitivity in the romance department though. To all of you please note that I have had many discussions with him about all my feelings. Even documented them on paper which he very much appreciated and he even acted like a light went on in response to this form of communication but the light flickered and went out shortly following.

KingOni- What drove us together is irrelevant; the fact is we are together and hopelessly in love which makes these obstacles extremely difficult. I am not "in it for the fun moments only," no relationship is 100% fun moments. Every relationship is about giving of yourself because you love the person and I have found the more you give the more you love them and ultimately get. And comparing him with a robot is just about the worst analogy you could have made. He has proven to me that he can indeed make adjustments when he cares to. The fact is his focus is rarely on my needs and that is what I find exasperating.

Soup- I knew he was an aspie before we met. These issues did not arise until later in the relationship, although he rarely ever did anything thoughtful for me-not even on Valentine's Day-speaking of which I found your little anti-romanticism commentary rather unsettling. I found this excerpt to be rather interesting:

While the passionately composed love lyric was an important feature of wooing in olden times, today's men are more inclined to use their mobiles to dash off a text (21%) or an emailed message (11%) to their loved one, according to the Lindt Lindor Code of Modern Chivalry report.

The study found that while the majority of women are regular users of Facebook and Twitter, 56% would feel disappointed to receive a wall message or tweet instead of a traditional greetings card this coming Valentine's weekend.

The study found that 62% of women would like to be complimented on their appearance, while a third (33%) appreciate a partner with good eye contact, regarding this as a sign of devotion.

It also unearthed the behaviour that would-be modern knights should avoid at all costs:

:: If taking one's loved one for dinner, pick up the bill - a third of women (32%) admit they do not expect to 'go Dutch' on Valentine's Day.

:: Focus on the lady one is with - wandering eyes are a major cause of offence for eight in 10 (80%) women.

:: Switch off the phone and Blackberry, or even better, leave them at home. Interrupting the evening with a phone call, text or email would almost unanimously irritate women (98%).

Relationship expert Jenni Trent Hughes said: "We may no longer be knights in shining armour or damsels in distress, but we still want and need romance - it is part of our emotional DNA.

"The beauty of romance in the 21st century is that it is a blank slate.

"Forget about everyone else and make Valentine's Day work for you and the object of your affection.

Dragon's Tooth-Despite what you may believe I am not living in a delusional fantasy world I am fully aware that relationships are not about princes and white stallions and I am sorry that my "blurting out" my shallow concerns and trying to seek some kind of support to help me in my relationship with a man I dearly love may have offended you. We have been together for two years and are well past the infatuation stage. The fact is we never actually had an infatuation stage, apparently that's not his style. I am not seeking a magical answer or a windswept romance, just support. I have already identified the fact that I am in a rut. I wouldn't be on here seeking support if I hadn't.

Nolan- Thank you for the breath of fresh air in proving that just because someone is has AS doens't mean they can't show that they care in what some would stereotypically label as "neurotypical ways"!

Gailt- THANK YOU so much for the reference! Definitely going to check this out! I would love to chat sometime!
 
Re: Hi there

Of course I don't know your circumstances, but the thing that made me pause was your insistence that he get a new place in order to suit your level of comfort. That is a rather big thing to ask of someone. You, yourself, live with your parents; what circumstances are keeping you from getting your own place? It seems like a double standard, asking him to take on the expense and hassle of a new place to live when his current situation apparently fits into his budget and suits him. Again, there is much in your post that is not explained and I do not know the circumstances. There may be perfectly reasonable explanations for this set of circumstances in regard to living quarters, and asking such a big thing of him while not being willing or able to do it yourself may be the most logical option. For what it's worth, I am not in the least bit angry.
 
tapian said:
OK the biggest problems I am facing is the imbalance of need for each other or affection/intimacy. He seems to be in his own world a lot of the time- like we can be watching a movie or be in the most romantic situation and he doesn't take the initiative to show affection or even know I am in the room at times. Also I seem to be much more sexually driven and I was wondering if that is just an individual trait or if it is somehow related to AS.
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I'll be honest: I was largely that guy with my last girlfriend. She broke up with me. It was the best decision she ever made on my behalf. I'm feeling much better now. So is she.

Sometimes what you want isn't what you need. Don't break up just on this message, but realize that it could be an answer.
 
Re: Hi there

Hi Bay you ask a good question. There are many factors keeping me here. My dad hasn't been in the best of health and has been out of work for half a year and my mom is trying to support four other children living at home. I am the only able bodied person living here who can help support the family besides my sister who is too busy with school to take on a job and help out. I couldn't justify moving out and spending such a significant amount of money when I am needed in a lot of ways. My boyfriend has a great job and makes good money with great benefits. The reason I put such emphasis on him getting out of that situation is more than just my comfort. He is living in a very inappropriate situation. I witnessed his brother's gf parading around their poolhouse in the nude one night and these are the same people who share his bathroom and come and go as they please. Also he found drug paraphernalia underneath the bathroom sink that was hidden there by his dad. My bf used to be an addict. So you can see my concern and frustration. That is just to name a couple things. I have severe asthma attacks around cats to name another. He has made it clear that his cats are more important to him than seeing me at his place. Anyway I hope that clarifies some things. Thanks for the response.
 
So you're saying you were the same in the sexual sense or all of what i described? I see your post was in response to the affection/sexual bit.
 
tapian said:
So you're saying you were the same in the sexual sense or all of what i described? I see your post was in response to the affection/sexual bit.
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The affection/sexual sense. The other stuff doesn't apply.
 
Re: Hi there

Hi tapian, hope you dont mind me adding my thoughts on this. I'm NT female with and AS bf, so I cant advise or add anything to the AS side of things but I can relate perhaps to your bf in the pet department.
I have pets of my own and they will always be a part of my life until they (or I) die. I made a comitment to them when I homed them and that will never change. Any partner etc coming into my life has to either be willing to accept that or there's no point in continuing the relationship. They dont have to "like" them, just accept them. I realise that your allergy is physical and genuine, but I'm not sure what you expect your bf to do about that. Even if he does get his own place to live, presumably the cats will go with him so you will still have a problem.
 
Re: Hi there

I dont ask that he get rid of the cats, just put them outside. If he cares for me enough this shouldnt be a deal breaker. Cats are happier in their natural environment anyway. Thanks for the post
 
Re: Hi there

tapian said:
Hi Bay you ask a good question. There are many factors keeping me here. My dad hasn't been in the best of health and has been out of work for half a year and my mom is trying to support four other children living at home. I am the only able bodied person living here who can help support the family besides my sister who is too busy with school to take on a job and help out. I couldn't justify moving out and spending such a significant amount of money when I am needed in a lot of ways. My boyfriend has a great job and makes good money with great benefits. The reason I put such emphasis on him getting out of that situation is more than just my comfort. He is living in a very inappropriate situation. I witnessed his brother's gf parading around their poolhouse in the nude one night and these are the same people who share his bathroom and come and go as they please. Also he found drug paraphernalia underneath the bathroom sink that was hidden there by his dad. My bf used to be an addict. So you can see my concern and frustration. That is just to name a couple things. I have severe asthma attacks around cats to name another. He has made it clear that his cats are more important to him than seeing me at his place. Anyway I hope that clarifies some things. Thanks for the response.
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I've just noticed this post... Anyway... :) in relationships both parties have to be willing to compromise otherwise it all comes to one partner... sort of... sacrificing personal needs for the sake of another. Have an honest conversation with your boyfriend. Don't tell him what you want him to do, tell him what you want in general. Ask him: how he sees your relationships, what he wants. If none of you are willing to compromise, then there's no point in staying together. Unless you want to have a constant struggle, but then the struggle should be considered as a part of relationships, not an obstacle (that's the way I see it, anyway). I believe, in many cases if a person on a spectrum really wants to achieve something, he/she will persevere, even though it might take some time. Ask him what he wants. Asperger's or no Asperger's, if a person really wants to be with someone, he/she will agree to compromise. With Asperger's it might be a little bit different, because a lot of us (IMO) don't really NEED company, we can be perfectly fine alone (even though some people will complain about being lonely). Appeal to logic not emotions. How does he see your future together, what is reasonable and what is comfortable?
 
Re: Hi there

I realize that relationships are about compromise. Fact is this is a pretty major deal. I can't be around the cats because of asthma so he has basically prioritized his cats over having any privacy with me which causes me to question his sex drive and or attraction to me. And when we do have privacy on rare occasion he doesnt make any advances toward me sexually. I always have to initiate. Its more than just the cats there are alot of issues im having but the cats are a big deal. He also wasnt willing to look for a place to live together when I was desperately needing his help. What bf wouldnt want to live with his gf? Especially when they go on about how crazy they are about you and how much they love you? Finances are not a problem for him but if his AS and fear of change is so strong that it prevents him from being supportive of me or recognizing my needs then I don't think I can deal with it. He is very self centered. I have always believed in showing your love not just saying it. My point is he isnt exactly the man I need him to be. I feel like he is a big kid. Very immature. Very childlike and wrapped up in his routine that he doesnt plan ahead or see the big picture. He talks about marriage but I honestly can't see him popping the question in the near future and we are in our mid twenties. I need to see that he truly loves me and is serious about our relationship. Sorry for the rant.....thanks for reading
 
Re: Hi there

I think you would like the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is about the different ways of expressing love that different individuals have. Very helpful.
I understand your frustration over his living situation. Could it be that he is so used to this dysfunctional innappropriate atmosphere that he doesn't really notice it? This is the family he grew up in, so this atmosphere is what feels normal to him emotionally, (whether or not intellectually he recognises it's incorrectness.) People from dysfunctional families will be used to anything Sadly.
Yes, the cats are a problem, and I don't know what to tell you about that.
 
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