I'll keep this as brief as i possibly can. 
I am diagnosed as having Aspergers but up to the last few years i've been able to live an NT life surrounded by NT's without anybody suspecting anything. I was able to work, to socialize and to plough on through life until recently i hit the proverbial burnout brick wall that seems to be so common with many people with an ASD.
I believe it has been due to 'masking' for so many years. People generally annoy me simply because most of them i encounter are either obsessed with themselves, their looks or their careers and social status and when not being, they are obsessed with others, how others look and if others have a better jobs, more money and just better 'stuff'.
I have reached the tipping point where i've found it too overwhelming and none of my beliefs, moral and strict behavioural standards (politeness / need to obey rules ) or general outlook on life seems to fit with anyone else's i meet or have met.
It all just seems alien to me. Why is everyone just so competitive, self centred and easily manipulated by others so that those amongst us with the worst of intentions and lowest moral fibre driven by greed and zero humanity prevail at the expense of those who wish a simple life to do good and to help others?
I've spent the last 15 years working in high profile animal rescue shelters in the UK caring and rehabilitating dogs, cats you name it. The reason i chose animal welfare was because in all my jobs up to that point, people were the problem. You could argue that in fact it was ME with the problem if you want to conclude that having an ASD is such.
I worked at a massive B&Q store and we'd have morning 'power meetings' where the bosses would gather us all round like a football manager would his players at half time. They would reel off sales figures / targets and for some bizarre reason they would think i was interested.
I want to tell them that i have no actual interest in how much money B&Q make. I want to do my job (which as an aspie is usually the work of two or three workers and consisting of work to the highest professional standards down the last fine detail). I want to get paid and then i want to go home.
I get an income and they get a extremely productive worker worth to them far more than the £7 an hour they were paying me.
I don't tell them because they will not understand that their company is simply a means to getting an income which is the way i see it. Also it's the way that i would presume 90% of the other staff see it who are all NT except i find it almost if not impossible to hide this deceit. I have to be blunt and honest. All the others can schmooze and go about their working day networking and trying to manipulate situations for their own gain.
Meanwhile i'm happy to talk about rock music and football and just generally have no interest in kissing anybody's arse in order to self promote.
It's like when you go for a job interview and you have to lie through your teeth about how much you love the company etc and embellish your attributes so that you can get a job. All i want to convey is that i do the job bloody well and want to get paid just like the interviewer interviewing me. If i'm genuinely interested in the type of work then that helps and you aren't lying but if it's say McDonalds then so long as you can be productive and go home at the end of the shift then does it really matter?
All of my previous jobs have been like this.
When i got a job working with animals i thought things would be different but the levels of politics, self promotion and hypocrisy amongst many staff and most managers hit me hard and now i've almost given up on humanity.
All i want is for people to do the right thing whether that means at a cost to themselves. I uncovered gross mismanagement practices impacting on animal welfare and also blatant bullying where i worked at the UK's leading canine rehoming charity about 5 years ago. The incidences were just so frequent and against my core principles that i had no choice but to resign. I stood up for doing the right thing for the dog's and the public who donated time, goods, money and trust into this charity and that meant resigning because i was in the minority of one.
As an aspie i always tell the truth and could not lie to myself so gave up an £18k a year job rehoming dogs.
This has made me bitter as i always feel i'm doing the right thing, the logical common sense thing and highlighting issues and injustice yet i'm the one who always loses out. It has led me to withdrawing from society generally and spending most of my time alone or with my partner and kid.
Is there nobody out there who puts themselves second no matter what when faced with a dilemma of doing the right thing?
Basically i just feel so alienated from people now because i judge them all (probably wrongly) of being wired up like this. Like it's a natural NT trait. I have no patience or strength left to continue 'masking', to continue pretending, to continue ignoring / tolerating incessant ignorant behaviour and utterly pointless trivial interests that most people seem to want to display on a regular basis.
However at the same time i know there ARE NT people out there who aren't just one dimensional and obsessed with posting inane photo's of their entire lives online every 5 seconds or obsessing about what some footballer's wife ate as a bushtucker trial on I'm A Celebrity. It's the process of filtering them out that has proven so tiresome and mentally and physically exhausting and i'm unsure if i've got the energy or sanity left to be able to get back out there and put on the 'brave face' once more. Especially as more and more, life and people are just so geared up to wanting more and more, becoming more and more demanding and selfish and more and more disconnected from one another on a human level, despite living in an age of instant communication saturation.
I can hang onto the fact that both of my best mates are NT and although they have traits that i find undesirable, these traits aren't that difficult to overlook and the sense of humour we share and the positive honesty and happiness in being our complete selves at all times makes it work.
I know that if i withdraw and become more isolated then the co-morbid mental health symptoms i've developed due to becoming overwhelmed by stress over time such as anxiety, panic attacks etc these will worsen. On top of that i will find life less stimulating.
I do like social company but on my terms and only then if the people i'm with aren't either total arseholes or don't have the intelligence of a bag of cement. Other than that i'm a friendly bloke who has been able to hold his own in an NT world despite it coming at huge health costs.
If i can somehow find a way of managing better the social landscape of the world and my inevitable feelings in a way that i can better tolerate the people that i instantly dislike then i might be able to get some confidence back and see a point to making all that effort again.
If i can't then i have to face a life of solitude, isolation, apathy and loneliness and that in itself seems as much as appealing as having to deal with the obnoxious work colleague who is forever going on about how many women he's been with and who spends about 6 weeks locked in the bathroom with various male grooming products.
In saying all of this i am fully aware that i have been fortunate enough to be able to live a life where i have been able to fit in and that isn't the case for many people with ASD and so i'm just putting my story across to you, i don't wish to appear selfish or insensitive to others by doing so.
I guess i'm at a crossroads as to which way i would like my life to go. I'm not happy around people and i'm not happy on my own so it's really difficult to decide. I guess the easy option is to do nothing and i'll be spending most of the time on my own by default but that doesn't feel right somehow.
Maybe i've answered my own question after all that.
Hey, if you're still reading then thanks for that. I know it was a long post and for some reason most people nowadays feel compelled to communicate in less than two sentences so thanks for hanging in there.
I did say i'd try and keep it short. What can i say? Other than i failed.
Thanks again for reading!
I am diagnosed as having Aspergers but up to the last few years i've been able to live an NT life surrounded by NT's without anybody suspecting anything. I was able to work, to socialize and to plough on through life until recently i hit the proverbial burnout brick wall that seems to be so common with many people with an ASD.
I believe it has been due to 'masking' for so many years. People generally annoy me simply because most of them i encounter are either obsessed with themselves, their looks or their careers and social status and when not being, they are obsessed with others, how others look and if others have a better jobs, more money and just better 'stuff'.
I have reached the tipping point where i've found it too overwhelming and none of my beliefs, moral and strict behavioural standards (politeness / need to obey rules ) or general outlook on life seems to fit with anyone else's i meet or have met.
It all just seems alien to me. Why is everyone just so competitive, self centred and easily manipulated by others so that those amongst us with the worst of intentions and lowest moral fibre driven by greed and zero humanity prevail at the expense of those who wish a simple life to do good and to help others?
I've spent the last 15 years working in high profile animal rescue shelters in the UK caring and rehabilitating dogs, cats you name it. The reason i chose animal welfare was because in all my jobs up to that point, people were the problem. You could argue that in fact it was ME with the problem if you want to conclude that having an ASD is such.
I worked at a massive B&Q store and we'd have morning 'power meetings' where the bosses would gather us all round like a football manager would his players at half time. They would reel off sales figures / targets and for some bizarre reason they would think i was interested.
I want to tell them that i have no actual interest in how much money B&Q make. I want to do my job (which as an aspie is usually the work of two or three workers and consisting of work to the highest professional standards down the last fine detail). I want to get paid and then i want to go home.
I get an income and they get a extremely productive worker worth to them far more than the £7 an hour they were paying me.
I don't tell them because they will not understand that their company is simply a means to getting an income which is the way i see it. Also it's the way that i would presume 90% of the other staff see it who are all NT except i find it almost if not impossible to hide this deceit. I have to be blunt and honest. All the others can schmooze and go about their working day networking and trying to manipulate situations for their own gain.
Meanwhile i'm happy to talk about rock music and football and just generally have no interest in kissing anybody's arse in order to self promote.
It's like when you go for a job interview and you have to lie through your teeth about how much you love the company etc and embellish your attributes so that you can get a job. All i want to convey is that i do the job bloody well and want to get paid just like the interviewer interviewing me. If i'm genuinely interested in the type of work then that helps and you aren't lying but if it's say McDonalds then so long as you can be productive and go home at the end of the shift then does it really matter?
All of my previous jobs have been like this.
When i got a job working with animals i thought things would be different but the levels of politics, self promotion and hypocrisy amongst many staff and most managers hit me hard and now i've almost given up on humanity.
All i want is for people to do the right thing whether that means at a cost to themselves. I uncovered gross mismanagement practices impacting on animal welfare and also blatant bullying where i worked at the UK's leading canine rehoming charity about 5 years ago. The incidences were just so frequent and against my core principles that i had no choice but to resign. I stood up for doing the right thing for the dog's and the public who donated time, goods, money and trust into this charity and that meant resigning because i was in the minority of one.
As an aspie i always tell the truth and could not lie to myself so gave up an £18k a year job rehoming dogs.
This has made me bitter as i always feel i'm doing the right thing, the logical common sense thing and highlighting issues and injustice yet i'm the one who always loses out. It has led me to withdrawing from society generally and spending most of my time alone or with my partner and kid.
Is there nobody out there who puts themselves second no matter what when faced with a dilemma of doing the right thing?
Basically i just feel so alienated from people now because i judge them all (probably wrongly) of being wired up like this. Like it's a natural NT trait. I have no patience or strength left to continue 'masking', to continue pretending, to continue ignoring / tolerating incessant ignorant behaviour and utterly pointless trivial interests that most people seem to want to display on a regular basis.
However at the same time i know there ARE NT people out there who aren't just one dimensional and obsessed with posting inane photo's of their entire lives online every 5 seconds or obsessing about what some footballer's wife ate as a bushtucker trial on I'm A Celebrity. It's the process of filtering them out that has proven so tiresome and mentally and physically exhausting and i'm unsure if i've got the energy or sanity left to be able to get back out there and put on the 'brave face' once more. Especially as more and more, life and people are just so geared up to wanting more and more, becoming more and more demanding and selfish and more and more disconnected from one another on a human level, despite living in an age of instant communication saturation.
I can hang onto the fact that both of my best mates are NT and although they have traits that i find undesirable, these traits aren't that difficult to overlook and the sense of humour we share and the positive honesty and happiness in being our complete selves at all times makes it work.
I know that if i withdraw and become more isolated then the co-morbid mental health symptoms i've developed due to becoming overwhelmed by stress over time such as anxiety, panic attacks etc these will worsen. On top of that i will find life less stimulating.
I do like social company but on my terms and only then if the people i'm with aren't either total arseholes or don't have the intelligence of a bag of cement. Other than that i'm a friendly bloke who has been able to hold his own in an NT world despite it coming at huge health costs.
If i can somehow find a way of managing better the social landscape of the world and my inevitable feelings in a way that i can better tolerate the people that i instantly dislike then i might be able to get some confidence back and see a point to making all that effort again.
If i can't then i have to face a life of solitude, isolation, apathy and loneliness and that in itself seems as much as appealing as having to deal with the obnoxious work colleague who is forever going on about how many women he's been with and who spends about 6 weeks locked in the bathroom with various male grooming products.
In saying all of this i am fully aware that i have been fortunate enough to be able to live a life where i have been able to fit in and that isn't the case for many people with ASD and so i'm just putting my story across to you, i don't wish to appear selfish or insensitive to others by doing so.
I guess i'm at a crossroads as to which way i would like my life to go. I'm not happy around people and i'm not happy on my own so it's really difficult to decide. I guess the easy option is to do nothing and i'll be spending most of the time on my own by default but that doesn't feel right somehow.
Maybe i've answered my own question after all that.
Hey, if you're still reading then thanks for that. I know it was a long post and for some reason most people nowadays feel compelled to communicate in less than two sentences so thanks for hanging in there.
I did say i'd try and keep it short. What can i say? Other than i failed.
Thanks again for reading!
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