Criticism, Nitpickiness and Sensitive Soul - How to cope with the constant assault

[Varzar]

Ok, this sounds very difficult, but also, just to check maybe, are you possibly also negating some positives? Nobody offered you positives, said you are good at something? Do you possibly miss hearing the positives, especially likely if you get a lot of criticism.

Also, are you yourself clear on what are your strengths and talents and skills they are missing? Can you list them? It's understandable if you've fallen down the hole and lost sight of the positives about you, but it's especially important you have these clear in mind with so many haters around.

This is totally something else that happens as regular criticism starts to create PTSD symptoms. Any positive feedback starts being diminished/ignored, while the negative gets amplified.

 

[NB79]

I don't know just a thought:

I think there is something NT perceive that impacts them about people and puts them in place even with some little attitudes facial expressions and some little words they understand each other and can respect a person, but with autistics people perceive that something is missing.

I mean have you seen how a dumb/annoying/ugly/lazy NT can get respect more and connect with other people easily sometimes.

 

[Aspychata]

I find the intensity of intimate relationships so much harder than other social situations (which I find hard), it maybe that your wife is 'good for you' but you need to manage the intensity of the realtionship dynamic, for example get more space away from each other, so your brain can process and reset.

When I was last in a close relationship my mental health was blasted and I became quite ill. It wasn't particularly due to the person it was the emotional overload and trying to understand the other person (which is much more necessary than in a passing social situation) put me in an almost permanent 'meltdown' state...longwinded but find more space to yourself is my advice!

Yes to all this. Passionate relationships can be overwhelming. I have dealt with this. Feeling very passionate but then feeling guilty about it too.

 

[Aspychata]

I find the intensity of intimate relationships so much harder than other social situations (which I find hard), it maybe that your wife is 'good for you' but you need to manage the intensity of the realtionship dynamic, for example get more space away from each other, so your brain can process and reset.

When I was last in a close relationship my mental health was blasted and I became quite ill. It wasn't particularly due to the person it was the emotional overload and trying to understand the other person (which is much more necessary than in a passing social situation) put me in an almost permanent 'meltdown' state...longwinded but find more space to yourself is my advice!

Yes to all this. Passionate relationships can be overwhelming. I have dealt with this. Feeling very passionate but then feeling guilty about it too.

 

[Au Naturel]

If you can, reformat it so that you understand that it's their problem, not yours. Oftentimes people will use fault finding and nitpicking as a way to put another person down, a kind of bullying. Bullies are very careful to pick the vulnerable to do their bullying to. By proclaiming your inferiority they make themselves feel superior. Or in a work environment, they may just want to look superior to management. It can be a tool to control your behavior or even to "keep you in your place."

Only you can know if they are hostile in their criticism because they want to bully you or they are hostile to you for other reasons (like the volume of corrections is irksome or there is a personality clash) and then that colors how the criticism is delivered. Also makes a difference if it is a couple of people or everyone is doing it.

Smile and thank them for their constructive criticism. (That's probably not the response they want.) If it is a valid criticism, learn from it, and if it isn't blow them off. Leave the environment entirely if practical.

It's all right now.
I've learned my lesson well.
If you can't please everyone
You've got to please yourself.
Ricky Nelson - Garden Party

 

[Streetwise]

Evening friends,

I need to rant first and then I would like some suggestions on how to be okay....

I am talking about the constant Criticism, disappointment from others and Nitpicking that occurs on a continual basis - It's not just from my spouse but from everyone I interact with since I was really little. I am always yelled out, criticized, told to "start using your head" and so many people rather they be coworkers, bosses, friends or family. And I tried thinking that it was just the people who I was around..... it's not. I've tried to be with different kinds of people from different walks of life several times in the last 20 years and while some people are certainly nicer than others, sooner or later they claim they get burnt out on constantly looking over what I do. After all these years the conclusion I draw is that not everyone in my life could be wrong. There must be some truth and I will near always illicit the same reaction from others....most people in fact.

The basic feeling I get is not being anywhere near good enough for anyone. I never do anything right it seems. I don't have the right tone of voice....... always something I do ticks someone off. And most of the time I am at a lost as to what it even was. I now connect this everyday occurrence to having ASD and because I have tried EXTENSIVELY for several years to be perfect and to "guess" the right thing to do to no prevail I have given up hoping for things to be different. When I even bring it up to anyone they assure me that they don't over-correct me, but I am no fool. I can clearly see that I am corrected more than others. And it seems like when someone else does do something wrong the correcting person seems so nice and genial about it and yet I get heated anger and disgust. I am crying as I write this.

So in short, I have a feeling that I am not alone in this. I know that I have work really hard to people please but I have accepted that I will always experience this soul-killing onslaught of nitpicking criticism. Harder yet then accepting this grim fact is that I must somehow learn to not feel the pain that constant re-correction causes and immediately put a smile back on my face so THEY don't feel like a bully. There feelings must be way more important than mine. I am so done feeling like a big failure. I work so hard to not be, but I know it will keep happening. I can expect it. Sooooo......... What can I do to lessen it's impact and still be happy? How do I build a tougher skin? I know I can't stop them from doing it..... I tried, and it made things so much worst.

accept that autism is viewed as a curse if you 're anything apart from autistic and! a! follower! of Yeshua you'll be given basic respect anywhere

 

[watersprite]

accept that autism is viewed as a curse if you 're anything apart from autistic and! a! follower! of Yeshua you'll be given basic respect anywhere

What exactly is this going to do to help?

 

[Badgerfriend]

Just listen to music and think about how great you are and internalize their treatment of you. And then counter that treatment that you should seek to understand. And then take that understanding and identify your weakness & susceptibility to their treatment. You seek to understand their treatment to find your strength. ie 'you cant do anything right' my internalization: yes I can you're just taking it out on me. Find your voice (I can do lots of things right some better than you )underneath their shouts and hold onto it. Sometimes it's not about how tough we are but how we internalize everything. If you find You in the their off puts you gain strength and with strength we can overcome. Thats real toughnesss. the other stuff is used for more physical stuff. Like opening a coconut.

Do you know how to internalize? probably not. ill teach you.

Just think about how a thing, anything, makes you feel. Then gently explore your pain and form counterrealisms (truths that are opposite of something). Remember, its personal, so 'go deep'.

..Did I use that right?


End result : you will no longer care or notice your problem they push on you consciously or subconsciously anymore so you wont care which is the definition of 'tough skinned.' You will develop. You will get what you are raising your head out of need towards.

Are you ok? Wanna be friends?

 

[Nairobi]

I find the intensity of intimate relationships so much harder than other social situations (which I find hard), it maybe that your wife is 'good for you' but you need to manage the intensity of the realtionship dynamic, for example get more space away from each other, so your brain can process and reset.

When I was last in a close relationship my mental health was blasted and I became quite ill. It wasn't particularly due to the person it was the emotional overload and trying to understand the other person (which is much more necessary than in a passing social situation) put me in an almost permanent 'meltdown' state...longwinded but find more space to yourself is my advice!

Yes, my marriage is very positive, but I am still learning to adjust! It was hardest in the beginning, now better - we are both learning my best boundaries, need for alone time, etc.

 

[Running Girl]

I feel you! Internalizing the criticism is a very hard habit to break. Feeling unlikable can throw me into suicidal ideation in a heartbeat! I lean towards self care and being kind to myself as the primary "treatment " for feeling crappy and unloveable. Works until I get lonely or start comparing myself to NT 's and get down again. So I try to mask, or to keep it brief and superficial with the humans, which works until it doesn't. Then I come here and find Identification with you all, and feel better.

 

[Ken]

The basic feeling I get is not being anywhere near good enough for anyone. I never do anything right it seems. I don't have the right tone of voice....... always something I do ticks someone off. And most of the time I am at a lost as to what it even was. I now connect this everyday occurrence to having ASD and because I have tried EXTENSIVELY for several years to be perfect and to "guess" the right thing to do to no prevail I have given up hoping for things to be different. When I even bring it up to anyone they assure me that they don't over-correct me, but I am no fool. I can clearly see that I am corrected more than others. And it seems like when someone else does do something wrong the correcting person seems so nice and genial about it and yet I get heated anger and disgust. I am crying as I write this.

That describes my life, from start to present. It wasn't until I discovered that I was autistic and started studying what that means that I learned what was going on.

I used to be totally mystified when someone I am talking to becomes angry and argumentative when it is clear to me we are in total agreement. I ask what did I say that made them angry and they can never say. I did a test where I transcribed what I said in a letter and let them read it. They were in total agreement.
I learned about this issue from a romantic comedy my wife likes. It is titled, "Hitch". In the movie, “Hitch” has a line that may or may not be truly accurate, but it fits my experiences precisely. In the movie, Hitch is a dating coach. In one scene, Hitch is explaining human interaction to a client. He explains,
“Sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; thirty percent is your tone. So that means that ninety percent of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth.”
My problem is that my ninety percent is uncontrolled or very poorly controlled. I am blind to everything except for that ten percent verbal communication. Not being very good at masking means I cannot trust that ninety percent to fit what I’m saying. The 90% that NT’s gets, dilutes and overrides what I'm actually saying. I also learned that a blank face communicates negativity, dismissiveness, disagreement, etc. It is very hard for me to maintain a "happy" face while talking. I'm just not that skilled in multitasking.

I have explained the condition to my wife (in writing) and that it is quite common with autism. The "fix" has been to write anything that needs to be discussed on paper and let her read it while I am sitting there. Just as long as she cannot see me at the same time. So, far, that has worked every time.

 

[Streetwise]

What exactly is this going to do to hekp?

Reality!

 

[LadyS]

Sounds a lot like my life. Constant nitpicking all through life. In fairness though, it seems to be a personality flaw when it comes to my husband and mom. They nitpick pretty much everything and anything. Never satisfied. And my husband just to stir the pot sometimes when bored.

When it comes to the family criticizing, it still stings because most of the time you really can't say anything back, so I try to shift the attention elsewhere or change the conversation by bringing up another topic which helps (oh look over there!!).

Same with my husband, and now I just ignore him, brush it off and continue going about my business. Once they realize they can't get a rise out of you, it may help. Also when I found the source of this flaw (genetic inheritance, he gets it from his dad who does the same.) I breathed a bit easier knowing it wasn't just me.

 

[watersprite]

Reality!

Your reality, your yardstick as it were, does apply to you with all validity. It doesn't apply to me and this thread is about, in part, other people forcing their yardstick, their judgements on others.
That is not going to be seen as valid by me, not now, or ever.

 

[Au Naturel]

Reality!

Reality probably exists. Our senses probably give us a close approximation to reality because those whose senses didn't accurately match reality died. Science and math have given us a better appreciation of reality by extending our senses far beyond their natural abilities. It gives us access to levels of reality that don't matter to a caveperson's survival. But that's all external reality, the physical world.

Lots of stuff goes in inside people's heads that can neither be proven nor disproven. Emotions, obsessions, subjective opinions, faith, and more. It is when people start to argue about whose internal reality is "correct" that things can get bloody.

The only way to coexist peacefully is to accept that your internal reality may be true for you but that truth does not extend beyond your own mind. You have the choice of agreeing to disagree but too many feel it necessary to force their truth onto another person.

 

[DogzSpirit]

I was raised in a family absent of criticisms. That said, I was not prepared for the endless stream of nitpicking and critiquing that was to come.

My mother viewed such behavior as rudeness, akin to looking in another persons plate and commenting on how much they eat or do not eat. True justification of such behavior (nitpicking etc) is rare. It's truly a sickness to behave as such, and is a mere attempt to point at another, ignoring our own shortcomings. Often the pointing out of such areas, is not done with a well meaning attitude.

I simply say, you are not perfect. Look in the mirror. When you have that 'fixed', then look outward at others.

I do not have the time or the desire to modify someone else. If I see something off, that will do harm to myself or another whom I love, I call them out on it in the most loving way possible. Much thought goes into such words before I speak.

We do not think the way NTs think. We do not respond in tone, as many of them do. But to be truthful, they do not always have a nice 'tone' to their voice either. There is no such thing as perfect, and you cannot hide your own imperfections by pointing out others imperfections! These people that nitpick are not well. They may not be ND but they have their own challenges. Shame on them.

 

[Au Naturel]

I was raised in a family absent of criticisms. That said, I was not prepared for the endless stream of nitpicking and critiquing that was to come.

My mother viewed such behavior as rudeness, akin to looking in another persons plate and commenting on how much they eat or do not eat. True justification of such behavior (nitpicking etc) is rare. It's truly a sickness to behave as such, and is a mere attempt to point at another, ignoring our own shortcomings. Often the pointing out of such areas, is not done with a well meaning attitude.

I simply say, you are not perfect. Look in the mirror. When you have that 'fixed', then look outward at others.

I do not have the time or the desire to modify someone else. If I see something off, that will do harm to myself or another whom I love, I call them out on it in the most loving way possible. Much thought goes into such words before I speak.

We do not think the way NTs think. We do not respond in tone, as many of them do. But to be truthful, they do not always have a nice 'tone' to their voice either. There is no such thing as perfect, and you cannot hide your own imperfections by pointing out others imperfections! These people that nitpick are not well. They may not be ND but they have their own challenges. Shame on them.

I was raised in a family that was nothing but criticism. It did not help.

 

[Streetwise]

Reality probably exists. Our senses probably give us a close approximation to reality because those whose senses didn't accurately match reality died. Science and math have given us a better appreciation of reality by extending our senses far beyond their natural abilities. It gives us access to levels of reality that don't matter to a caveperson's survival. But that's all external reality, the physical world.

Lots of stuff goes in inside people's heads that can neither be proven nor disproven. Emotions, obsessions, subjective opinions, faith, and more. It is when people start to argue about whose internal reality is "correct" that things can get bloody.

The only way to coexist peacefully is to accept that your internal reality may be true for you but that truth does not extend beyond your own mind. You have the choice of agreeing to disagree but too many feel it necessary to force their truth onto another person.

I think the autistic man who was murdered in London might disagree ,I know full well the reaction you get from autistic atheist people! when you say autistic and a follower of Yeshua!so no I didn't imagine it !!!!!

 

[DogzSpirit]

You know what this comes down to? There is truth in that nitpicking, but it has nothing to do with you!!! It is a central challenge and it belongs to them. It is that invisible element in every room. Many of us deal with it, but those who spout such negativity, have a more severe case of it.

Here is the truth in a nutshell:

You should not buy into their view of yourself. They barely know themselves, let alone another.

They cannot deal with the truth! And it is so much easier to look at others, than turn that attention on themselves.

Furthermore: Their challenge is there, constantly humming in the back of their mind, as they try to avoid it. You may see someone picking to excess at someone such as ourselves, or something material (newly delivered furniture etc), or even a meal delivered to their table in a restaurant. Sometimes that discontent turns to a convenient person, for that is the most distracting of responses, as we tend to respond and escalate this amazingly well. Yes, We who are on the spectrum or who otherwise draw in their attention, are perfect for that.

Most whom are bullied or critiqued do not realize WHY others focus is so heavily on others, such as @Danielle Sisco, your quirks, your ways, and what they view as shortcomings. It's a distraction for them, so they do not have to look at their own shortcomings and mortality. Furthermore, people focus on these things for they must stay distracted and stay away from what is constantly pressing at the back of their mind? YES, none of this matters Danielle. It's not about what you are or what you are doing 'wrong', it's more that you make a nice distraction, so they do not have to face up with what really is the issue for the heart of their discontent in life. IT'S ABOUT THEIR SHORTCOMINGS AND MORTALITY, and their INABILITY to deal with that.

I am talking about the constant Criticism, disappointment from others and Nitpicking that occurs on a continual basis - It's not just from my spouse but from everyone I interact with since I was really little. I am always yelled out, criticized, told to "start using your head" and so many people rather they be coworkers, bosses, friends or family. And I tried thinking that it was just the people who I was around..... it's not. I've tried to be with different kinds of people from different walks of life several times in the last 20 years and while some people are certainly nicer than others, sooner or later they claim they get burnt out on constantly looking over what I do. After all these years the conclusion I draw is that not everyone in my life could be wrong. There must be some truth and I will near always illicit the same reaction from others....most people in fact.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

You know what this comes down to? There is truth in that nitpicking, but it has nothing to do with you!!! It is a central challenge and it belongs to them. It is that invisible element in every room. Many of us deal with it, but those who spout such negativity, have a more severe case of it.

Here is the truth in a nutshell:

You should not buy into their view of yourself. They barely know themselves, let alone another.

They cannot deal with the truth! And it is so much easier to look at others, than turn that attention on themselves.

Furthermore: Their challenge is there, constantly humming in the back of their mind, as they try to avoid it. You may see someone picking to excess at someone such as ourselves, or something material (newly delivered furniture etc), or even a meal delivered to their table in a restaurant. Sometimes that discontent turns to a convenient person, for that is the most distracting of responses, as we tend to respond and escalate this amazingly well. Yes, We who are on the spectrum or who otherwise draw in their attention, are perfect for that.

Most whom are bullied or critiqued do not realize WHY others focus is so heavily on others, such as @Danielle Sisco, your quirks, your ways, and what they view as shortcomings. It's a distraction for them, so they do not have to look at their own shortcomings and mortality. Furthermore, people focus on these things for they must stay distracted and stay away from what is constantly pressing at the back of their mind? YES, none of this matters Danielle. It's not about what you are or what you are doing 'wrong', it's more that you make a nice distraction, so they do not have to face up with what really is the issue for the heart of their discontent in life. IT'S ABOUT THEIR SHORTCOMINGS AND MORTALITY, and their INABILITY to deal with that.

My mantra nowadays is "Embrace Imperfection". The people you describe are certainly not self aware enough to do that, and only posess animalistic instincts. You are right that everything they say should be discounted as coming from a wounded animal.