Criticism, Nitpickiness and Sensitive Soul - How to cope with the constant assault

[Danielle Sisco]

Evening friends,

I need to rant first and then I would like some suggestions on how to be okay....

I am talking about the constant Criticism, disappointment from others and Nitpicking that occurs on a continual basis - It's not just from my spouse but from everyone I interact with since I was really little. I am always yelled out, criticized, told to "start using your head" and so many people rather they be coworkers, bosses, friends or family. And I tried thinking that it was just the people who I was around..... it's not. I've tried to be with different kinds of people from different walks of life several times in the last 20 years and while some people are certainly nicer than others, sooner or later they claim they get burnt out on constantly looking over what I do. After all these years the conclusion I draw is that not everyone in my life could be wrong. There must be some truth and I will near always illicit the same reaction from others....most people in fact.

The basic feeling I get is not being anywhere near good enough for anyone. I never do anything right it seems. I don't have the right tone of voice....... always something I do ticks someone off. And most of the time I am at a lost as to what it even was. I now connect this everyday occurrence to having ASD and because I have tried EXTENSIVELY for several years to be perfect and to "guess" the right thing to do to no prevail I have given up hoping for things to be different. When I even bring it up to anyone they assure me that they don't over-correct me, but I am no fool. I can clearly see that I am corrected more than others. And it seems like when someone else does do something wrong the correcting person seems so nice and genial about it and yet I get heated anger and disgust. I am crying as I write this.

So in short, I have a feeling that I am not alone in this. I know that I have work really hard to people please but I have accepted that I will always experience this soul-killing onslaught of nitpicking criticism. Harder yet then accepting this grim fact is that I must somehow learn to not feel the pain that constant re-correction causes and immediately put a smile back on my face so THEY don't feel like a bully. There feelings must be way more important than mine. I am so done feeling like a big failure. I work so hard to not be, but I know it will keep happening. I can expect it. Sooooo......... What can I do to lessen it's impact and still be happy? How do I build a tougher skin? I know I can't stop them from doing it..... I tried, and it made things so much worst.

 

[watersprite]

I dunno. I have come to the exact same conclusions. I got so tired of my family of origin going on about it that I no longer talk to them.
I not only do things wrong but speak/communicate either oddly, with bad timing, or sound too assertive. I don’t think it’s due to a lack of intellect on my part, but definitely some wires missing in the social communication department of my brain. At times I am intensely lonely. Other times, being alone is a balm as is exercise and special interest(s).
Don’t have my spouse anymore but that is a different story.


Welcome to AF.

 

[Aspychata]

This sounds sad to me. Why should you be singled out this way? Can you state where the bulk of the critiques fall? Like what you say? What you do? Etc....

And can you quantify it more by telling us who does the bulk of this? Only friends? Employers?

By breaking it down, maybe you will get a clear picture of what is happening and pinpoint better how to respond.☺

 

[Nairobi]

I will have to think more to write a better post. I need to get ready for bed. But this sounds awful! I think I and many others relate to this, at least to some degree. But the difference is it sounds like I at least had a few friends along the way who accepted me and never asked me to change, and I am very blessed to be married to the one man on earth who isn't annoyed by me and asking me to change.

It is an endless frustration though, to try your absolute hardest all the time, for your whole life, but never be "good enough", and people think they can just ask you to modify this or that. They need to realize that this is YOU. It's not some dress rehearsal or a rough draft that they can edit to improve - this is YOU, they need to learn to adjust to who you are, to understand you. I don't know that they will, probably most people will not - but those who matter most and whom you are keeping in your life really need to do this. They need to learn about ASD and how that shapes and affects you.

This is the kind of stress and strain that leads to chronic illness in people with ASD, I am convinced. The elevated rates of autoimmune disease, heart disease, etc. It's very cruel.

 

[Nairobi]

I will say.....I don't think I have any suggestions for what you can do - you have been the one providing excellent suggestions on this forum already. I think it's more about you learning about them - where they are going wrong for you, rather than where you are going wrong for them. I mean, it might be helpful to a degree to understand if something bothers them, but the way you are describing it, they are really scraping down at the bottom of the barrel - this is getting down the core of you, to the point where you cannot control it, the only way to please them would be to become a different person altogether. It sounds like they are pushing this too far. Next, they really need to learn to understand you - including the ASD part. They need to understand you as a person with ASD - I think accepting that there is a neurotribal difference actually goes a long way to having proper boundaries and bridges between Aspie and NT. The more they keep assuming that actually underneath it all you are actually just like them - they just need to scrape away, modify, bend here, pinch there - how harassed you must feel!

 

[Varzar]

I just had an argument with my wife today that revolved around tone.
For me, it was a discussion for which I had a strong viewpoint. So, to me, my tone was certainly "with conviction", but my words are what make it a discussion, in that I will use words like, "I think", or "I feel".

She apparently took my "with conviction" tone to mean it was not a discussion, and I was dictating.
Fortunately, she has been really good about being understanding since we realized I'm AS. After she realized we were having an AS/NT moment, she reinterpreted what I was saying without taking my tone into account.

Anyways, doesn't really provide you with any solutions to your problem I suppose.. But you're certainly not alone in your struggles.

One thing to watch out for though is if you've been the subject of constant criticism/nitpicking for any prolonged length of time, you may also develop PTSD. After which even the most constructive and gently delivered criticisms can cause a giant trigger effect. Essentially, you can get to a state where your body goes into full fight/flight mode at the slightest hint of critique, sending you back into a pit of despair/depression.

 

[Suzanne]

The bane of not looking different, but being different!

I have experienced similar. You are too loud. You are too quiet. You speak too much; you don't speak enough. And so forth, to the extent, that I became a shadow of who I am, because I could not quite grasp who I am and when ever asked: what are you about? (very rare occasions, I might add), I would have a blank mind.

Sometimes, I gain courage and talk, but most times, I am afraid to talk, because I expect instand reproach.

As a child - and I know I am not unique in this area - told: grow up or how dare you act an adult. I wanted to say: which one should I behave as? But, fearful of the come back, so it sunk deep inside me and I guess, resulted in anger; oh, I mean tons of strange contradicting statements, as I grew up.

Perhaps 30 years of marriage as helped me to stand up tall and not be pummled by my husband's words.

He takes great pleasure in teasing me and to this day, I have no idea if he is and it has resulted in terrible arguments and just the other day, I said that if he knows I cannot read when he teases, ought he not to tease? His response: why should I? Why can't you learn to read when I am teasing? So, amazing, I was able to come back with: that is fine, however, remember that a lot of your teasing causes agression between us, so is that a good thing? He actually looked slightly less arrogant and was quiet, so I knew he got the point. But, no doubt, it won't stop, because it is part of his personality, to tease people.

You can private message me, if you would like, if it helps to off load that ball of deep anger?

 

[unperson]

You get over-scrutinized, over-supervised with autism, they see us as 'loose cannons' who have to be constantly watched. We make so many social errors it's a rich vein for them to mine. Error mining.

 

[Wulven]

Advice. Sure. One start just being silent around such people. You don't speak they can't criticize you or pick up negativity from your tone. Text instead. Quite letting there words bother you. Literally go numb to it. Don't feel anything. You can train yourself to do this. Though you may come across as cold and unfeeling to others. You won't really care. That's my advice.

 

[Suzette]

One thing I know to be true, the more personally I take others comments, the more my self esteem suffers and I act like a whipped dog and door mat. The more I act like a whipped dog, the more people seem to want to criticize, demean and denigrate me.
There seems to be something about feeling low that brings out agression in people.

What I have discovered is that it's not my job to make other people feel good about me. In fact, their opinion about me is none of my business. Their opinon about me is their personal problem.

Let me illistrate what I mean this way: If someone is walking around, their head and heart filled with all kinds of foul thoughts about me, if they don't tell me these things, their opinion affects my life not at all. I just continue on my way oblivious to the other persons hatred. Meanwhile, they are stewing in their own foul thoughts but they are the only person living inside their head, not me! I am probably at home eating chocolate and watching a scifi flick having a lovely evening.

Some people aren't very rational about the opinions that they form. If they slept poorly the night before an important event, and the first person they see is "too happy" for their foul mood, they will always associate that person with their foul mood and irrationally conclude that person is the cause of their foul mood and so, that person is just "unlikeable". That is just a random example to illustrate how irrational humans can be.

It can be really difficult to ignore the haters but that is exactly what you have to do. You have to stop trying to please them (they will never be pleased) and just ignore them. All those petty complaints "too loud", "too quiet", "wrong tone" etc can just be met with "o.k." . Then just do exactly as you need to do to be yourself anyway. Because every person is going to have an opinion about you, and those opinions will contradict one another. If you try to please everyone you just go crazy and feel worse about yourself because, those opinions are not your problem!

One area though you might want to look at, is your job a good fit for you? Is the work something you can do well? Do you like it? If you can answer yes to these questions but you still get a lot of criticism on the job, the problem might be your boss. The thing to do there is try to transfer to a different department or find a new company to work for. Bosses are just people and yours might be a bad boss or just a bad fit for you.

 

[Thinx]

Ok, this sounds very difficult, but also, just to check maybe, are you possibly also negating some positives? Nobody offered you positives, said you are good at something? Do you possibly miss hearing the positives, especially likely if you get a lot of criticism.

Also, are you yourself clear on what are your strengths and talents and skills they are missing? Can you list them? It's understandable if you've fallen down the hole and lost sight of the positives about you, but it's especially important you have these clear in mind with so many haters around.

 

[James45]

Just avoid people. So much less stressful.

I think if you interact with people you have to acknowledge it will demand a larger amount of energy usage/processing than for 'most' people. Conciously decide you want that before engaging in the interaction.

Embrace solitude and your own company.

Embrace your 'special interests'.

Revel in your exceptional talents of which I am sure you have some.

Nobody really has a clue what they are on about anyway, 99.9% of the time what they say, it isn't personal to you, it is to do with them and their own perceptions and projections...this applies to positive communication too.

Why waste energy trying to understand it? I spent so many years trying to understand, only once I gave up and realised my brain wasn't likely to be able to understand the social/communication aspect of life did I find a new freedom and dived into my own wonderful and peculiar brain wiring.

I am sorry for you that you have had these upsetting experiences, but they are the best, the experiences which are challenging and repetitive are the richest, for they offer the best opportunity for growth and development and freedom.

The 'norm' is not normal. Nearly everything in reality is upside down from what we are taught to believe.

 

[Nairobi]

One thing I know to be true, the more personally I take others comments, the more my self esteem suffers and I act like a whipped dog and door mat. The more I act like a whipped dog, the more people seem to want to criticize, demean and denigrate me.
There seems to be something about feeling low that brings out agression in people.

What I have discovered is that it's not my job to make other people feel good about me. In fact, their opinion about me is none of my business. Their opinon about me is their personal problem.

Let me illistrate what I mean this way: If someone is walking around, their head and heart filled with all kinds of foul thoughts about me, if they don't tell me these things, their opinion affects my life not at all. I just continue on my way oblivious to the other persons hatred. Meanwhile, they are stewing in their own foul thoughts but they are the only person living inside their head, not me! I am probably at home eating chocolate and watching a scifi flick having a lovely evening.

Some people aren't very rational about the opinions that they form. If they slept poorly the night before an important event, and the first person they see is "too happy" for their foul mood, they will always associate that person with their foul mood and irrationally conclude that person is the cause of their foul mood and so, that person is just "unlikeable". That is just a ranfom example to illustrate how irrational humans can be.

It can be really difficult to ignore the haters but that is exactly what you have to do. You have to stop trying to please them (they will never be pleased) and just ignore them. All those petty complaints "too loud", "too quiet", "wrong tone" etc can just be met with "o.k." . Then just do exactly as you need to do to ge yourself anyway. Because every person is going to have an opinion about you, and those opinions will contradict one another. If you try to please everyone you just go crazy and feel worse about yourself because, those opinions are not your problem!

One area though you might want to look at, is your job a good fit for you? Is the work something you can do well? Do you like it? If you can answer yes to these questions but you still get a lot of criticism on the job, the problem might be your boss. The thing to do there is try to transfer to a different department or find a new company to eork for. Bosses are just people and yours might be a bad boss or just a bad fit for you.

I have automatically, since childhood, thought of others as the standard in a way - like, they are normal, I am weird - they don't like me because I am weird, I like being weird - but they are, after all, just normal. It is helpful to remember, actually, they are NOT. They have all kinds of problems and issues. And in many ways, they are more convoluted than I am - and their reactions to me can have more to do with what is going on within themselves. Of course they have issues - all of those self-help books and inner journeys and whatnot - they themselves often sense they need help of some sort. The way you have described it is very helpful for me to remember, because I take comments from others very sincerely, and I work very hard to not project my own weird stuff onto people, and I assume that others are trying to do the same for me, but that is not always the case. Why on earth should I have my feathers ruffled over their own hidden problems? Thanks for this reminder!

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

That is sad. I remember feeling judged for things I did when I was in elementary school. Some nights I remember crying and wishing I was a different person. This developed into paralyzing social anxiety and an isolation that haunts me today, 6 decades later.

 

[Danielle Sisco]

I will say.....I don't think I have any suggestions for what you can do - you have been the one providing excellent suggestions on this forum already. I think it's more about you learning about them - where they are going wrong for you, rather than where you are going wrong for them. I mean, it might be helpful to a degree to understand if something bothers them, but the way you are describing it, they are really scraping down at the bottom of the barrel - this is getting down the core of you, to the point where you cannot control it, the only way to please them would be to become a different person altogether. It sounds like they are pushing this too far. Next, they really need to learn to understand you - including the ASD part. They need to understand you as a person with ASD - I think accepting that there is a neurotribal difference actually goes a long way to having proper boundaries and bridges between Aspie and NT. The more they keep assuming that actually underneath it all you are actually just like them - they just need to scrape away, modify, bend here, pinch there - how harassed you must feel!

The sad thing is that only my wife knows about my autism. I really feel like I cannot come out to my coworkers, parents and extended family. Coming out as queer was, by comparison, was easy but still it was not without some social chaos. Plus before my ASD awareness I was in and out of psychiatric treatments with various diagnosis that never fit and because of this I am already labeled as "crazy" by the family. Throwing in ASD is not going to change a thing for me and I doubt I would be believable. I cannot change people. I can only change myself and frankly, I'm exhausted of what seems like a never-ending makeover. I really just want to be myself.

And in reality, it's mostly my wife that does this to me. I just don't want to admit that my wife may not be good for me. She does a lot for me. She shields me from my mistakes when out in public and she does all my phone calling and does the communication with my family. My family definitely does not like me. Love, maybe, but does not like me. She get's just as exhausted at protected us from the mistakes I made like I feel with myself. Most mistakes are related to executive functioning defects and my lack of emotional perception with the feelings she's feeling. Like last night, which prompted my post, she was quiet and her demeaner I read as "hostile". I fell into default mode which is to take responsibility for whatever caused it. I pushed her to talk to me about it. I asked her If I did something to make her mad. She said no. But her demeaner went unchanged. I asked her again if she was angry with me. She said, "no, did you do something I should be angry about." Well, this tipped the domino effect toward a meltdown. Clearly she was angry about something, right? When I get this way I spiral down and I get stuck on repeat. I asked 20 times because certainly I had and she wasn't telling me. Finally she blew up at the constant annoyance and said, "Can't you tell that I'm just tired. It's 9pm and we've been playing all day." Then I got mad at her for not being direct and telling me that earlier. She said, "I shouldn't have too." Well, I hate to tell her but SHE HAS TOO. If she only realized sooner that she should just say that, I would have understood. I can't read her feelings. She has to be upfront with them for me. Otherwise, I make mistakes. These are the worst mistakes for me. That and getting so lost in my own thoughts that I don't pay attention and cause literally messes, or scare her while I'm driving and start veering.... All things that would tick me off if she made them all the time so I don't know.

 

[James45]

I find the intensity of intimate relationships so much harder than other social situations (which I find hard), it maybe that your wife is 'good for you' but you need to manage the intensity of the realtionship dynamic, for example get more space away from each other, so your brain can process and reset.

When I was last in a close relationship my mental health was blasted and I became quite ill. It wasn't particularly due to the person it was the emotional overload and trying to understand the other person (which is much more necessary than in a passing social situation) put me in an almost permanent 'meltdown' state...longwinded but find more space to yourself is my advice!

 

[James45]

....and worse is the time spent analysing after what happened to try and understand why it happened and you can't get anywhere, just makes you feel bad...what a relief to recognise this as a neurological difference and you don't need to understand...just manage your environment/time carefully

 

[QuestJan]

The basic feeling I get is not being anywhere near good enough for anyone. I never do anything right it seems. I don't have the right tone of voice....... always something I do ticks someone off. And most of the time I am at a lost as to what it even was. I now connect this everyday occurrence to having ASD and because I have tried EXTENSIVELY for several years to be perfect and to "guess" the right thing to do to no prevail I have given up hoping for things to be different.

I can so relate to that!! You describe my experience. I counteracted this by becoming my own BFF.

I speak to myself with compassion & respect and forgive myself for mistakes; It's a good friend who is gentle yet honest. I refuse to be weaponized against myself by others. So many people go around telling themselves the hurtful words that come from others - others who do not accept us. Who consider us a disease to be eradicated. STOP THAT RIGHT NOW

I love autism. I love the ADHD, OCD, and the intense curiosity. I communicate poorly in person and that sure doesn't help either. 68.2% don't like these traits and are always getting upset. Since they are not "mistakes", the NTs scapegoat minor mistakes to ease their irritation or just make shite up. This is gaslighting. It is confusing. I was just fired as a result of gaslighting. Call it what it is and do not join them in breaking yourself.

But this is the game.

Who would want to play a video game in which one simply has a pleasant walk from "start" to "end"?

We have all made it to the challenging "Autism" level.

Only the best racehorses are assigned handicaps; the better the horse, the heavier the handicap. This is our fate. We have no control over this.

Our destiny is how we play it.

We have to hone our skills to beat the game. Each time we are killed, we get back in the game. Each time we play we get more skillful. The 68.2% can be just Fawful.

But it's all part of the game. I take breaks as needed to isolate myself, maybe watch some bad TV. I'll even throw myself a pity party if it gets too bad.

But then I'm BACK! Smarter & stronger

At autismforums.com we can find camaraderie and game tips.

 

[Suzette]

The sad thing is that only my wife knows about my autism. I really feel like I cannot come out to my coworkers, parents and extended family. Coming out as queer was, by comparison, was easy but still it was not without some social chaos. Plus before my ASD awareness I was in and out of psychiatric treatments with various diagnosis that never fit and because of this I am already labeled as "crazy" by the family. Throwing in ASD is not going to change a thing for me and I doubt I would be believable. I cannot change people. I can only change myself and frankly, I'm exhausted of what seems like a never-ending makeover. I really just want to be myself.

And in reality, it's mostly my wife that does this to me. I just don't want to admit that my wife may not be good for me. She does a lot for me. She shields me from my mistakes when out in public and she does all my phone calling and does the communication with my family. My family definitely does not like me. Love, maybe, but does not like me. She get's just as exhausted at protected us from the mistakes I made like I feel with myself. Most mistakes are related to executive functioning defects and my lack of emotional perception with the feelings she's feeling. Like last night, which prompted my post, she was quiet and her demeaner I read as "hostile". I fell into default mode which is to take responsibility for whatever caused it. I pushed her to talk to me about it. I asked her If I did something to make her mad. She said no. But her demeaner went unchanged. I asked her again if she was angry with me. She said, "no, did you do something I should be angry about." Well, this tipped the domino effect toward a meltdown. Clearly she was angry about something, right? When I get this way I spiral down and I get stuck on repeat. I asked 20 times because certainly I had and she wasn't telling me. Finally she blew up at the constant annoyance and said, "Can't you tell that I'm just tired. It's 9pm and we've been playing all day." Then I got mad at her for not being direct and telling me that earlier. She said, "I shouldn't have too." Well, I hate to tell her but SHE HAS TOO. If she only realized sooner that she should just say that, I would have understood. I can't read her feelings. She has to be upfront with them for me. Otherwise, I make mistakes. These are the worst mistakes for me. That and getting so lost in my own thoughts that I don't pay attention and cause literally messes, or scare her while I'm driving and start veering.... All things that would tick me off if she made them all the time so I don't know.

I am sorry, that is so hard!

There isn't anything I can tell you to make your wife understand. That part is really on her. You really are already doing what you can. Please, please let yourself off the hook.

Is she willing to see a marital counselor? I know that can be hard with autisim. Maybe a therapist specalizing in autisim issues can be a help?

One thing to keep in mind is that NTs shutdown too. They might be tired or thinking through difficult issues, but just like you, sometimes they need a little space. When your wife is being quiet try to understand and let her rest a while. It is hard to do I know. Our brains think there is a problem and we want to fix it, preferably NOW. That isn't always possible though. The best we can do is wait it out.

Other suggestions: let her drive when you are together. Of course you are capable but letting her do the driving gives her a sense of security and you get peace knowing she won't complain about your driving.

 

[Martha Ferris]

I have had very similar experiences. There is always at least one person who has to find fault with me and often over really stupid things that don't even freaking matter. For instance my sister once laughed at and pointed out to my mother the way I put my earrings in. Seriously????? People always seem to be looking for things about me to point fingers at. It says a lot about their character.

For the things that don't matter I just let them go because people are being stupid and it's just their own opinion anyway which doesn't count for much and any esteem I have for them suffers because of it. They lose. For everything else I made it a goal to know myself, to peel away all the layers that make me who I am and to examine them with absolute honesty. That can be a painful process because we don't always like what we find. Then I worked at getting rid of the things I didn't like about myself or at least limiting them and I focused on enhancing the things I did. I know who I am and why I am. I am the person I have chosen to be. I am the person I can respect and even like.

I consider what people say and compare that with what I know to be true about me. If it aligns with what I know all well and good if it doesn't then they are just another stupid person who would be better off fixing their own flaws rather than pointing fingers at someone elses.

By knowing who you really are the opinions of others about you don't matter and you are free to live your life as you see fit because you are living your truth. Too bad what others think about it.

I avoid stupid, intolerent people. Stupid is a choice. Unfortunately there is a lot of it going around.